T5E8: “The Party’s Over”

LORELAI

I smell meat, is that meat?

VALET

Why, yes, miss, it is meat.

LORELAI

Oh, he called me miss. There's meat and a miss, I'm happy.

RORY

What's the occasion?

RICHARD

Well, I thought we might like some appetizers with our cocktails tonight.

LORELAI

Would we ever.

VALET

The first batch is ready, sir.

RICHARD

Wonderful, on the table please.

LORELAI

Mm, God it smells good.

RORY

I love a good steak on a stick.

RICHARD

Me, too.

RORY

We should form a club.

LORELAI

Steak-On-A-Stick club.

RICHARD

We could have t-shirts made up.

RORY

Grandpa, I've never seen you wear a t-shirt.

RICHARD

Well, I've just never found a proper occasion.

LORELAI

Hmm. To the proper occasion. [They toast.]

RICHARD

I'll drink to that.

EMILY

[storming in]

I knew I smelled something, you're barbecuing!

RICHARD

So what?

EMILY

So what? The agreement was the girls have drinks with you and dinners with me!

RICHARD

We are having drinks. Drinks and appetizers.

EMILY

Those are not appetizers! Those are skewers!

LORELAI

Little skewers.

RORY

Little tiny skewers.

EMILY

This is not tiny! [She rips a skewer from Lorelai's hand as she's about to bite.]

LORELAI

Mom, that's mine!

EMILY

This is a main course and a cheap way of cheating me out of my dinner.

RICHARD

You are the most paranoid woman I've ever met.

EMILY

I highly doubt that.

RICHARD

You were the one who designated the drinks portion of the evening to me.

EMILY

You love drinks.

RICHARD

Drinks last one hour at most. Then you get the dinner portion, which can last several hours. Especially the way you structure things. You get more time. I should at least be able to serve appetizers with my drinks.

EMILY

Fine. I'll leave. Have you drinks and your appetizers. [Points at

LORELAI

[whispers, mimicking]

Or else!

RORY

Sounds serious.

LORELAI

So, one more?

RORY

Well, two more at the most.

LORELAI

Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.

RORY

Mm-hmm.

EMILY

Something wrong?

LORELAI

No, why, why?

EMILY

You're not eating.

LORELAI

No, I am eating.

EMILY

You've taken two bites.

LORELAI

Two really big bites.

EMILY

Rory's taken none.

RORY

I did, you just missed it.

EMILY

You're full.

LORELAI

No!

EMILY

He can't stick to a simple agreement! He makes deals all the time in business, but "drinks there, dinner here", somehow that's too difficult for him to manage.

RORY

He was just -

EMILY

He was trying to upstage me. He was trying to make his part of the evening the "fun" part. He's a child. A spoiled four-year-old. I should take his dump truck away and send him to bed without supper. Or, as he calls it, appetizers.

LORELAI

Mom, seriously, we are starving. Look. Mmm, wow. [To Rory] Eat some carrots, eat some carrots.

RORY

[weakly]

Carrots. Delicious.

EMILY

Well, if you're both that hungry, you must want more. Olga! Good timing! The girls are famished. Load 'em up.

EMILY

[scolding]

Lorelai!

LORELAI

What? It's not me!

RORY

It's me, Grandma. I'm sorry. [Checks caller ID] I have to take this. Promise I'll be quick. [She gets up to leave.] Hello? Hi. No, now's fine.

EMILY

Who's she talking to?

LORELAI

How should I know?

EMILY

Well, you're the one who taught her to leave her cell phone on at the dinner table.

LORELAI

That's for safety, Mom. In case someone forces her to eat five chickens and she has to call 911.

EMILY

She's talking to a boy, isn't she?

LORELAI

I don't know.

EMILY

She certainly sounds like she's talking to a boy. Does she have a new boyfriend?

LORELAI

Mom!

EMILY

Did she finally meet someone at Yale?

RORY

I don't know.

EMILY

Oh, of course you know!

LORELAI

Because I'm the one who taught her to leave her cell phone on at the dinner table?

RORY

[coming back in]

Sorry, Grandma. That won't happen again.

EMILY

That's all right. So, who were you talking to?

RORY

Dean, you remember Dean?

EMILY

The boy who made you the car?

RORY

Yep.

EMILY

I didn't know you were still seeing him.

RORY

Umm, well, we got back together recently.

EMILY

Really? Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?

LORELAI

I know. I'm floored!

RORY

He's been working crazy shifts lately and I've had so much schoolwork that we keep missing each other, so I told him to call me tonight.

EMILY

Well thank you for telling me. I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up on the street somewhere.

LORELAI

'Cause you hang out on the street so often, Mom, you and Melrose Larry Green.

EMILY

[Glares at Lorelai, then turns to Rory]

So, are you happy with this

RORY

Yes, I am.

EMILY

Well, good. Now eat up, we have the fish course coming.

LORELAI

Fish course?

EMILY

Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.

LORELAI

Oh. Well. What a delightful skill.

RORY

Grandma's mean.

LORELAI

If it flew, swam or crawled on this earth we just ate it.

RORY

I can't breathe. [Lorelai pinches her.] Ow! What was that for?

LORELAI

'Cause you told my mother about Dean.

RORY

[rubbing her arm]

What do you mean?

LORELAI

Well, I was totally covering for you with the phone call, and then you waltz back in and just tell her?

RORY

My arm is swelling up!

LORELAI

You were totally off the hook. I was very skillfully covering for you. Well, not skillfully, but there was a certain aplomb to my evasiveness.

RORY

I'm not going to lie to Grandma about Dean. Why should I?

LORELAI

Because she's her.

RORY

Mom, I am with Dean. She's already met him, Grandpa's already met him, what is the problem besides this permanent welt on my arm?

LORELAI

All right, fine. [sighs] You know, I'm actually hungry.

EMILY

We need to talk. [She walks in, uninvited.]

LANE

[to Luke]

The man at table three wants to send an orange juice to the woman at table four.

LUKE

As long as he's paying.

LUKE

[To Liz, reading a paper at the counter]

If someone who wants to eat comes in here...

LIZ

I'm outie, I got it.

LORELAI

[Coming in]

Hey, Lane.

LANE

Hi! Oh, potential hookup at table four!

LORELAI

Oh, wow, diner love. "Over easy" takes on a whole new meaning. [Sits at the counter next to Liz.] Hey, Liz!

LIZ

Hey!

LORELAI

I didn't know you were back!

LIZ

Yeah, just cruised in.

LORELAI

Well how are you? How's TJ?

LIZ

He's great. He's gotten taller.

LORELAI

I'm so glad to hear it.

LIZ

So you and my brother, uh?

LORELAI

Yeah, well...

LIZ

I'm so jazzed. I want private details.

LUKE

Tell her nothing.

LORELAI

Really, nothing? Not even about your Canadian mountie hat?

LUKE

Liz, you have been sitting there for over an hour.

LIZ

I know. I'm almost done.

LORELAI

Whatcha doing?

LIZ

TJ and I are thinking about buying a winter place, you know, something nice for when the Renaissance Fair season's over.

LORELAI

You're moving to Stars Hollow?

LUKE

No.

LIZ

Thinking about it. There's some great places for sale around here.

LUKE

They're not for sale, they've all been sold.

LIZ

[ignoring him]

Plus there's a few stores around here that are willing to sell my jewelry on consignment. And I'd like a house, you know, with a fence and a lawn...

LUKE

No lawns in Stars Hollow, we had them taken out.

LIZ

Hey, how much did you pay for your house?

LUKE

Oh, don't ask her that. You can't ask people questions like that.

LIZ

Why not?

LUKE

'Cause you can't! [To Lorelai] Don't tell her how much you paid for your house. [To Liz] You don't want to live here.

LIZ

Yes I do.

LUKE

It's too quiet for you.

LIZ

I like quiet.

LUKE

You do not like quiet. TJ does not like quiet. He likes monster trucks, and baboons that get really mad at the zoo.

LIZ

That's true, he does like that.

LORELAI

Luke, stop. You're going to like living so close to your family.

LUKE

Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy living so close to yours. What can I get you?

LORELAI

[Looks at the menu]

Hmm. Nothing looks good.

LUKE

I'll make you a burger.

LORELAI

I don't want a burger.

LIZ

Make her your gumbo. Oh, he makes the most amazing gumbo.

LORELAI

You make gumbo?

LIZ

And great Mexican food.

LORELAI

Really?

LIZ

Makes his own tortillas.

LUKE

Gotta make your own tortillas. The ones in the package are crap.

LIZ

And garlic soup, and paella... He was really into lasagna for a while, got obsessed. Made hundreds of lasagnas trying to find the perfect recipe. He wore an apron -

LUKE

Okay! Liz, you don't even live here yet.

LIZ

Fine. I gotta bail anyhow. TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.

LORELAI

You too!

LIZ

Later, bro.

LUKE

Uh-huh.

LORELAI

You've been holding out on me.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

Um, paella, gumbo, lasagna king?

LUKE

You know, I have many talents, okay?

LORELAI

I know. I mean, the way you keep that mountie hat perfectly balanced the entire time we're -

LUKE

Okay, so, if you keep making mountie hat jokes, you're going to eventually believe that there's an actual mountie hat.

LORELAI

Well, I'm very impressed. Or at least I would be, if I had any proof of these extraordinary cooking skills of yours.

LUKE

Okay. I'm going to cook you the most amazing meal of your life.

LORELAI

This weekend?

LUKE

Stop making the mountie jokes and you're on.

LORELAI

Deal. Blueberry muffin to go?

LUKE

You got it. [He gets the muffin. She's looking at him strangely.] You're still picturing me in a mountie hat, aren't you?

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

LUKE

How do I look?

LORELAI

Mm, I'll tell you this weekend.

LANE

You cannot put those flyers here! I'm surprised that my mother told you that you could, but you can't! So, go stand on a street corner like I had to do, ages six through fourteen! [Kyon just stands there.] Go! What?

KYON

I'm so hungry.

LANE

What?

KYON

It's flaxseed muffin month. Flaxseed muffin in the morning, flaxseed muffin at night. I'm having trouble lifting my toothbrush.

LANE

Okay, come here.

KYON

Not fast, please.

LANE

Sit.

KYON

She made a lot of food with flaxseed. It lasts a very long time.

LANE

[Sets down a plate of fries]

There.

KYON

What's this?

LANE

Fries.

KYON

But Mrs. Kim, she says that fries are the devil's starchy fingers.

LANE

They're hot and delicious and they don't have any flaxseed in them.

KYON

But they are a gateway food. They lead into harder things. Pizza, movie popcorn, deep fried Snickers bar...

KYON

Oooh. [takes a bite.] Oh, my.

LANE

Welcome to America.

RORY

So now I've got three days to do this comparative religion paper, and the teaching fellow who runs our group spends all his time explaining to us how much he disagrees with the professor, and - what are you looking at?

PARIS

That guy over there is staring at me.

RORY

Which guy?

PARIS

The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.

RORY

Professor Prady?

PARIS

Shh! He'll hear you.

RORY

You think Professor Prady is looking at you?

PARIS

He is more than looking at me. God, this is so annoying. Ever since word leaked out about me and Asher, every faculty member over fifty thinks I'm easy.

RORY

Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.

PARIS

You are so naive. He's practically licking his lips. You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.

RORY

Hello?

EMILY

Rory, it's your grandmother.

RORY

Oh, hey, Grandma.

EMILY

Your grandfather is here also.

RICHARD

Hello, Rory. How are you?

RORY

Fine, Grandpa, and you?

RICHARD

We're wonderful, thank you for asking.

EMILY

Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school, but next Friday your grandfather and I agreed to host a little Yale alumni event at our house.

RICHARD

It completely slipped our minds the other night.

EMILY

So we'll have to cancel our usual Friday night dinner.

RORY

Oh. That's okay.

EMILY

However, we were wondering if maybe you'd like to come.

RORY

Me?

RICHARD

The alumni always like to meet the next generation of Elis, and plus, we'd love to be able to show you off to all of our friends, wouldn't we, Emily?

EMILY

Yes, we would!

RICHARD

You might even make a few connections that could come in handy somewhere down the road.

EMILY

Please come! We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix. And I promise you, there won't be any chicken.

RICHARD

Or steak on a stick. [They laugh, the whole conversation sounds very rehearsed.]

RORY

Well, sure. I'd love to come.

RICHARD

Wonderful. Your grandmother and I are thrilled.

RORY

Is it fancy? What should I wear?

EMILY

Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.

RICHARD

And bring that face.

RORY

Well, the face comes with the package.

EMILY

Oh, and I know you usually come at seven, but could you make it at six instead?

RORY

Six is fine.

RICHARD

We'll see you Friday.

RORY

See you Friday. [She hangs up.]

PARIS

What's going on Friday?

RORY

My grandparents are having a party.

PARIS

Damn it. [She gets up.] Dean Treadwell just came in. He's been throwing sex daggers out his eyes at me all week. [She picks up her plate and leaves. Rory turns around and sees a feeble-looking old man with a cane entering.]

LANE

Chili fries, extra cheese and onions.

KYON

Thank you. [Folds her hands.]

LANE

Didn't you just say grace?

KYON

Yes, but that was for the soda.

LANE

Kyon, tip, if you pray over every single thing you eat you might never be able to leave the table. Breakfast will run into lunch which will run into dinner.

KYON

I'm telling God I'm thankful!

LANE

He gets it. Do a blanket thank you and move on.

ZACH

We've got free passes to Tory's band on Saturday.

LANE

[excited]

No! Seriously?

ZACH

Totally seriously. All we have to do is carry the equipment and we are in.

ZACH

Okay, cool, you're jazzed. So I'll tell him it's a go?

LANE

It's a total go.

ZACH

You free for dinner tonight?

LANE

We'll discuss it when I get home.

ZACH

Okay. Bye.

LANE

Bye.

TJ

Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.

LUKE

You're what?

TJ

I am in escrow, I've got the paperwork to prove it.

LUKE

What is he talking about?

LIZ

We bought a house!

TJ

Beautiful. White.

LUKE

You just started looking.

LIZ

I know, we bought the first home we saw.

LUKE

Oh, Liz.

LIZ

No, I'm telling you, I walked into this place, and just felt it.

LUKE

Felt what?

LIZ

The vibe.

TJ

That's right, she felt the vibe and now I'm in escrow.

LUKE

Did you at least have an inspector look at this place?

TJ

Hey, we don't need some guy with a clipboard to tell us what we already knew, which was this white house was for us!

LIZ

Please don't be worried about this, the place is great.

TJ

It's on a corner, it's got room for a pool, it's air-conditioner ready, it's, uh, landscaper ready, it's lawn ready, and it's got three bedrooms, if you build on two.

LUKE

It's got a roof, right?

TJ

Of course it's got a roof. And as soon as we replace it it won't leak as much.

LIZ

Just be happy, okay?

LUKE

Oh, sure.

TJ

That's right, buddy, smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow! [yells out] Coffee! On the house! You like that, on the house?

LUKE

You're paying for coffee for the entire diner?

TJ

What am I, made of money? I'm in escrow! Throw in the coffee, buddy, we're celebrating.

LANE

I got it.

LIZ

You're not really bugged we're moving here, are you?

LUKE

Does he even know what escrow means?

LIZ

I doubt it, but he's so happy.

TJ

[High-five-ing strangers]

I'm in escrow. [To Kyon] Give it up, sister, I'm in escrow.

RORY

So, you're off the hook.

LORELAI

Off the hook, for what?

RORY

Friday night. Grandma and Grandpa are having a party for their Yale alumni friends.

LORELAI

Really? This is news!

RORY

So you're free as a bird.

LORELAI

Wo-ow, Friday night without my mother! I don't know if I can deal! You might have to come over and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am. Hey, you want to go to the movies?

RORY

Can't, I'm going to the party.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

They asked me to.

LORELAI

Huh. Okay. I can get you out of it.

RORY

Mom -

LORELAI

Whoop, hold on, just a moment. Let me formulate a plan.

RORY

I don't need to formulate a plan, I want to go.

LORELAI

You don't want to go, you feel obligated to go. That's very different.

RORY

Mom, they're giving the party together.

LORELAI

Ooh, I got it. Transfer to Harvard, then you won't be invited.

RORY

Are you listening?

LORELAI

Rory, they're just manipulating you.

RORY

Yes! Exactly! Them. Both of them, together. They called me together. They were on the speakerphone together, which means that they were in the same room, at the same time, together.

LORELAI

So what you're saying is, they were together?

RORY

Exactly!

LORELAI

Whose antennae are up besides mine?

RORY

Maybe they made up.

LORELAI

They would have told us.

RORY

They didn't tell us they broke up.

LORELAI

Yes, but that's because it looked bad. They didn't tell people I was pregnant 'till my eighth month. My mother kept getting numbers for fat farms from her friends.

RORY

They sounded so happy. They sounded like they used to.

LORELAI

Are you sure you want to go?

RORY

I'm sure.

LORELAI

All right. Don't let Grandpa and his cronies make you sing Whiffenpoof songs all night.

RORY

I won't.

LORELAI

Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to see you on Friday.

RORY

Well, how about I come by after? I can stay the night and then you can take me shopping on Saturday.

LORELAI

Ah, the lucky girl.

RORY

Okay. Bye.

ZACH

Hey, Amir! Where's this month's Guitar magazine? I wasn't done reading it yet.

AMIR

You buy it, then you read.

ZACH

What kind of bogus system is that?

AMIR

It's the bogus system called this is a magazine stand, where people come to buy, not hang out and read for free!

ZACH

That's a long freaking name for your bogus system, buddy.

MRS. KIM

You! You dirty, filthy devil boy! You will pay for this. You will burn in hellfire for this! You will swim in the sludge with Satan's hell-dogs, and feed them your innards for eternity!

ZACH

Ah, is this about the magazine?

MRS. KIM

She's an innocent girl. And you are a wild pig of filth! I know! I know all you do! You think you can hide from me? That you can carry on your dirty, filthy schemes without me finding out?

ZACH

I'm really, really lost right now.

MRS. KIM

I heard about it! Kyon told me. She told me about your hands on

DEAN

Okay. So, we have today for your dining pleasure a choice of sandwiches. All fairly fresh, though slightly dented so as to afford me the eighty percent employee discount that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.

RORY

He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.

DEAN

Ah, we have a battered chicken salad, a bruised tuna salad, a ham that survived the creamed corn assault of 2004, and something grey.

RORY

Toss that.

DEAN

Gotcha.

RORY

Well, this is a very nice spread you've assembled here.

DEAN

Well, when you're dating an Ivy League girl, you have to pull out all the stops. Chip pieces? [offers her a bag]

RORY

Yes, please.

DEAN

I'm glad we got to do this today.

RORY

Me too.

DEAN

We haven't been able to see each other much lately.

RORY

Well, we're here now, right?

DEAN

Yeah. Right.

RORY

Hey, did you ever read my story?

DEAN

Which story?

RORY

The one about the Life and Death Brigade.

DEAN

[hesitates]

Uh, yeah, I did.

RORY

You like it?

DEAN

I did like it. I like everything you write.

RORY

Do you think I painted the picture interestingly enough? Because I tried to be objective, to a certain extent, but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to have some human spark, you know?

DEAN

I thought it was good.

RORY

Nothing specific, though?

DEAN

Hey, you're the writer. I can't critique these things. I just know that I read it and I was interested.

RORY

Well that's what counts. [pauses awkwardly.] Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.

DEAN

Let's talk about tonight.

RORY

Okay. I'm going over to my grandparent's at six. I figure I'll go in, make the rounds, say hello, eat a cheese puff, then you can meet me outside the house at eight-thirty and we can hit a movie in Hartford or something.

DEAN

I don't want you ducking out of your grandparent's party early if it's going to be a big thing.

RORY

Hey, don't you want to get together with me?

DEAN

You know I do.

RORY

Okay then. No more talk, it's settled. Eight-thirty, out front, I'll be the one in the party dress with the jeans and a purse. I'll have to take a pretty big purse, but desperate times call for desperate actions. Deal?

DEAN

Deal.

RORY

How long have we got?

DEAN

Uh, fourteen minutes till my lunch break's over.

RORY

Okay then. Cheers.

LORELAI

Bonjour.

LUKE

What's all this?

LORELAI

This is as close as you're going to get to me cleaning up tonight. Hi.

LUKE

Hi.

LORELAI

Man, something smells crazy good in here. Oh my God, what are you making?

LUKE

Lamb and artichoke stew, penne with pesto and potatoes, roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia, tomatoes stuffed with bread crumbs and goat cheese, and ricotta cheesecake with amaretto cookies to go with your coffee.

LORELAI

You're the perfect man.

LUKE

Thank you.

LORELAI

I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer, but it's not. It's you.

LUKE

Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer. You want some wine?

LORELAI

Yes, please. [digging through a bag she brought with her.] Okay, so I brought a little ambience [pulls out candlesticks] and a little Clooney.

LUKE

George?

LORELAI

Rosemary. Oh my God, this is so great. I mean, besides the fact that it's an evening of you, it's also the first Friday in many many moons that I'm not at my parent's house and that knowledge is giving me a really warm, fuzzy feeling right about now. Meaning that if, by some chance, your meal winds up sucking, I might not even notice.

LUKE

Excellent to know. [Hands her a glass of wine.] To the warm and fuzzies.

LORELAI

Perfect.

LUKE

Oh, I'm down to the artichokes.

LORELAI

You know, it may have choked Artie, but it ain't going to choke me. Some Little Rascals humor there for ya.

LUKE

I know.

LORELAI

You know? You are the perfect man.

EMILY

Just move them so people can navigate around them comfortably. Not that far apart, not that far apart! Good Lord, if someone needs that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party, they should be on a treadmill.

RORY

Hey, Grandma.

EMILY

Rory! Oh, look at you! Will you look at her? [yells at a servant] I said look at her! Isn't she beautiful?

SERVANT

Yes, very beautiful.

EMILY

I love this dress, very elegant!

RORY

Thanks, Grandma. The place looks wonderful!

EMILY

Oh, there's too much blue.

RORY

It's Yale alumni, there can't be too much blue.

RICHARD

Emily, I noticed the bartenders weren't planning on using proper martini glasses. [Sees Rory.] Well, Rory, how lovely you look tonight.

EMILY

Doesn't she? This dress is divine. But you know what? My hairdresser's upstairs in my bedroom right now, why don't you go on up and have here do a little something with your hair?

RORY

My hair?

EMILY

Just for kicks. Come on, I'll take you up. Richard, could you -

RICHARD

I have it all under control.

EMILY

Thank you. Come on!

LANE

Oh, you're home. Do you want to talk about dinner?

ZACH

Um, sure, or about how your mom totally attacked me today.

LANE

What?

ZACH

I'm standing out on the street in broad daylight, and, like, out of nowhere, bam! She was in my face, crazy and screaming!

LANE

Zach! Slow down, I don't understand.

ZACH

She cursed me, Lane! What's not to understand? She went on and on about burning in hellfire and swimming in Satan's sludge, and hell-dogs eating me, and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.

LANE

I don't understand. Why would she?

ZACH

'Cause she knows, okay? She knows everything! She sees everything, you know that.

LANE

She doesn't know everything, Zach.

ZACH

Well, she knows about you and me, and she's sending me to hell for it, and I've got to tell you this is not cool. This is not rock and roll.

LANE

I know, I'm sorry.

ZACH

I don't do parents. I'm not that guy. Nobody brings me home to Mom for a reason, okay? I'm a total backseat, in the closet, jump out the window dude, all the way.

LANE

I just don't understand how she found out. I mean, it's not like she's ever seen us together, or... I know who told her.

ZACH

I can't do this crazy scary short chick screaming at me on the street.

LANE

Zach, I'm sorry. I promise, it will never happen again! I will take care of it.

ZACH

What about the hellhounds?

LANE

I will take care of the hellhounds too.

ZACH

'Cause Hellhounds is a cool band name but the positive imagery stops there.

LANE

I got it. It's done.

ZACH

Okay. Fine. I've gotta go walk by a church or something. [He leaves.]

LORELAI

[setting the table]

Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.

LUKE

Yep.

LORELAI

Pilfering silverware from the diner!

LUKE

It's my diner.

LORELAI

Yes, but it's wrong. You should have boundaries in your life, leave work at work. You need a work life and a home life and the silverware is your work life. I'm so telling Dr. Phil on you.

LUKE

What the -

TJ

You're home! Good!

LUKE

[stammering]

Don't come in!

TJ

Your sister!

LUKE

TJ, this is really -

TJ

Do you know how many people told me not to get married? They said women make you crazy, they burrow in your head and you can't get them out! Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.

LORELAI

How are you doing, TJ.

LUKE

I'm assuming you guys had a fight.

TJ

Not just a fight, a whammo monster of a fight. It was like Jake Lamotta and I was that blonde chick he was married to.

LUKE

You'll make up. Bye. [Tries to lead him out the door, TJ slams it shut.]

TJ

I mean you'd think I took a shot at the Pope, the way she talked to me. I'm sorry, I didn't hear her when she asked for the beer, and preset station numbers are there for a reason!

LUKE

Okay, look at the table and the candles, okay? This is not a good time.

TJ

You're telling me? I'm in escrow!

LUKE

Okay. Hold on. [To Lorelai] Go stir the sauce.

LORELAI

Me? But, I can't cook.

LUKE

It's not cooking, it's stirring.

LORELAI

No, I'm not good with big spoons, unless there's ice cream on the end - okay.

LUKE

TJ, what is this all about?

TJ

She's crazy, man, she goes nuts! And she yells at me like... there's a register that her voice reaches when she yells that only a freaking dog can hear, but her face is so twisted and contorted that you know she's hit that register, and it's amazing! It should be on the Discovery Channel or something.

LORELAI

Um, excuse me. How fast am I supposed to be stirring here?

LUKE

Just keep it from sticking. [To TJ] I am really sorry you had a fight, but you're married now. You can't run out every time you have a disagreement. Now, go on back.

TJ

I can't go back!

LUKE

TJ!

TJ

I'm not ready, it's all too fresh!

LORELAI

It's bubbling and turning brown.

LUKE

It's fine.

LORELAI

Well, what constitutes sticking?

LUKE

You can't ruin it.

LORELAI

I can, I have powers. Once the Barefoot Contessa was making a soufflé and when it fell, she looked out the TV and said, “Gilmore, was that you?”

LUKE

You've gotta go, man!

TJ

Just let me hang out here.

LUKE

No!

TJ

Just for a little while! Right in here, in the corner. Very quiet. You won't notice me at all. Churchmouse, buddy.

LORELAI

I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.

LUKE

I got it.

LUKE

He just needs a minute.

EMILY

Oh, yes, that's very nice. I love the lashes.

RORY

Grandma, this is really nice, but -

EMILY

Just a little more cheeks.

RORY

Shouldn't we be getting down to the party?

EMILY

Yes. One more minute now. [Opens her jewelry box] Let's see here, this might do it.

RORY

Grandma, I couldn't -

EMILY

Diamond necklaces were invented to be worn, they're doing nobody any good just sitting in a box. Perfect, do you like it?

RORY

Well, yes it's beautiful, but -

EMILY

It needs earrings! I agree!

RORY

No, it's fine on it's own, really!

EMILY

Your grandfather bought me these earrings on our first trip to Denmark. He swears he bought them off the ne'er-do-well brother of the king who stole them from the queen - have you ever heard such a thing?

RORY

No.

EMILY

Ah, I have a wonderful idea! Have you ever worn a tiara?

RORY

Well, when I was four...

EMILY

You look like a princess.

RORY

Grandma, are you sure you want me wearing all this stuff? They must be very expensive, and if something should happen -

EMILY

Nothing's going to happen, and yes. You look exactly the way I want my granddaughter to look to all our guests. Shall we?

RORY

Okay.

EMILY

It's going to be a wonderful evening.

EMILY

Everyone, here's Rory!

RICHARD

You look absolutely royal.

RORY

Well, it's probably the crown.

RICHARD

Emily, you did a fine job.

EMILY

Thank you, Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, uh, Rory, I'd like you to meet Min and Argus Head and their son Andrew. Andrew, this is my granddaughter Rory.

ANDREW

Nice to meet you.

RORY

Nice to meet you too.

RICHARD

Andrew will be at Yale Law next semester.

EMILY

Isn't that wonderful?

RORY

It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.

EMILY

Well, we need to make the rounds. You two can talk more later.

RORY

It was nice to meet you.

ANDREW

You too.

EMILY

Rory, we'd like you to meet Deanna and Chase Anderson and their son Donnan.

DONNAN

It's a pleasure to meet you.

RORY

You too.

RICHARD

Donnan is going to run his father's shipping business one day.

EMILY

Our own Aristotle Onassis with infinitely better table manners.

DONNAN

Nothing's written in stone yet. We'll see what kind of pension plan the company has, and then -

EMILY

Rory's going to be a journalist. Take the world by storm, the two of you should talk later.

DONNAN

Definitely.

RORY

Okay, well -

RICHARD

Oh, Rory, Bunny and Napoleon Barnes and their son Kip.

KIP

Nice to meet you.

RORY

Oh, hi, Kip. It's nice to meet you.

EMILY

Kip is captain of the polo team.

RICHARD

Hell of a player. Give those Windsor boys a run for their money.

KIP

William and Harry are good guys. Decent horsemen, terrible bridge players.

RORY

Um, Kip, will you excuse us for a second? I need to talk to my grandparents. It was nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes.

EMILY

[to Kip]

Make sure you two talk later.

KIP

Yes, ma'am.

RICHARD

Yes, Rory?

EMILY

Are you enjoying the party?

RORY

The party is very nice, Grandma. I was just wondering, do your alumni friends have any daughters?

EMILY

Daughters? What do you mean?

RORY

Well, I was just noticing that there are a lot of boys here but not that many girls.

RICHARD

Really? I hadn't noticed. Did you notice, Emily?

EMILY

Why no, I haven't. Huh, well. I will have to pay more attention to the guest list next time, won't I, Richard?

RICHARD

Yes, you will.

EMILY

I promise you, we will throw another party just for our friends with girls. But in the meantime -

RICHARD

Ah, the Campbell boy is here.

EMILY

Oh, good, let's go. [To Rory] Campbell, like the soup!

LORELAI

Oh my God, this is good. I mean this is seriously good.

LUKE

Glad you like it. [Camera angles so that we can see TJ sitting almost directly behind Luke.] How you doing, TJ?

TJ

I just need a minute.

LUKE

He said that thirty-five minutes ago.

LORELAI

Well, he's not crying now, so -

LUKE

I want him to leave.

LORELAI

I know. He will.

LUKE

Sure there's nothing I can do for you?

TJ

Just thirty seconds. That should do it.

LORELAI

Would you like something to eat, TJ?

LUKE

Why are you asking him if he wants something to eat?

LORELAI

He's been sitting there for half an hour, he might be hungry.

LUKE

He said thirty seconds. You're going to make the thirty seconds go longer.

LORELAI

TJ, we've got plenty.

TJ

That's very kind of you, Lorelai. I appreciate it. Being in escrow and everything. But I don't want to interrupt your evening. As soon as I gather myself I'll be going. Ten more minutes?

LORELAI

Mmm.

YOUNG MAN #1

Look, you can go A.M.G. but you're still going stock Mercedes.

YOUNG MAN #2

Okay, are you seriously knocking 493 horses at 6100 rpm’s coming out of a 5.5 litre, 24 valve V-8?

YOUNG MAN #1

Okay, well, let's say you go with the SL-55.

RORY

Um, I'm sorry. Would you all excuse me for just a -

YOUNG MAN #1

Yeah, sure. So the SL-55. Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.

LORELAI

I told you.

RORY

You told me what?

LORELAI

Whatever has happened at that party you got rooked into tonight. I told you.

RORY

Do you want to hear or do you just want to gloat?

LORELAI

Well, I'm a multi-tasker.

RORY

So I get here, and Grandma immediately whisks me upstairs where her hairdresser and makeup artist are waiting to make a new me.

LORELAI

'Cause the old you was so last season.

RORY

Then I come downstairs to find that the guests are all Yale friends of Grandma and Grandpa's and their sons.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

No girls! All boys, and me!

LORELAI

You're kidding.

RORY

Nope. I feel like I'm being auctioned off.

LORELAI

They suck, my parents suck.

RORY

This is a very silly picture.

LORELAI

They know you're with Dean, 'cause by the way you told them.

RORY

It's okay, I just thought you'd like to know.

LORELAI

Do you have a pencil?

RORY

Why?

LORELAI

'Cause there are twelve ways out of that house that they don't know about. Write this down. First, the basement. It's a little dusty, but almost foolproof. If you can't get there, grab a screwdriver and jimmy the back of my mother's closet. There's a false back.

RORY

Mom -

LORELAI

And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet, the second guest bathroom window opens out onto the massive elm and you can shimmy right down.

RORY

I am not going to shimmy. I don't need to sneak out, it's fine. Dean is picking me up at eight thirty, I can manage till then.

LORELAI

They played you, kid.

RORY

Yeah, I know.

LORELAI

I hate that they did that.

RORY

Well, it's done. Okay, I should go. In this crowd they will definitely notice me missing. I'll see you later.

LORELAI

Bye, hun.

LUKE

What's the matter?

LORELAI

Nothing a little patricide won't solve.

LORELAI

Oh, hello, I'd like to speak to Richard or Emily.

MAID

Que?

LORELAI

I'd like to speak to Richard and Emily Gilmore.

MAID

No comprendo. [more Spanish.]

LORELAI

Is there someone there who speaks English? I hear English in the background. [Knock at Luke's door. Luke gets up to answer it.] Oh, right there! I heard the word salmon. Could you pass the phone to the person who said "salmon"? Uh-huh.

LIZ

Is he here?

LUKE

Yes. Get him out, please!

LORELAI

Emily Gilmore. Senora Emily Gilmore?

LIZ

TJ, come on, let's go.

TJ

I cannot deal with you right now.

LIZ

You can't just barge in here like this.

TJ

[insulted]

I did not barge! Do not accuse me of barging!

LIZ

You are ruining their evening!

TJ

No, I am not! I'm just sitting here, I'm not saying anything!

LUKE

Okay, you two just go downstairs and talk! Please!

LIZ

You are unbelievable, you know that?

TJ

I do, as a matter of fact.

LIZ

I hadn't even come out of the bedroom and you'd gone!

TJ

I wasn't gonna stick around so you could yell at me!

LUKE

Okay! This is enough! The both of you just have to shut up right now, I've got neighbors!

LIZ

You don't even have your shoes on!

TJ

I've got shoes on!

LIZ

You've got my shoes on!

TJ

Oh, so I guess all that "what's mine is yours" was just a bunch of crap also! [He takes off the shoes and hands them to Luke.]

LIZ

You know what? I am fed up with you and the drama, I can't take it! My head's going to explode from all your freaking scenes and your tantrums!

TJ

My tantrums?

LIZ

I cannot look at you. [She locks herself in the bathroom.]

LUKE

Liz, what are you - [To TJ] Go get her out of there!

TJ

Nope, that's exactly what she wants!

LORELAI

Okay, never mind. I'll call back. Bye.

LUKE

TJ!

TJ

Damn. I had almost gotten myself together. Now I have to start all over! [Starts crying.]

LUKE

[to Lorelai]

She's in the bathroom.

LORELAI

Okay. You go try to calm him down and I'll go see if I can talk to her.

LUKE

You were right. Having family near is fun!

JORDAN

Rory?

RORY

Mm-hm?

JORDAN

I'm Jordan. Your grandmother sent me over here. Apparently we're made for each other.

RORY

Oh, gee. Well, how convenient.

JORDAN

There's nothing like having your family play matchmaker. How old are you?

RORY

Me? I'm, um, almost twenty.

JORDAN

All right, good. Just making sure everything's legal. You need a drink?

RORY

No, not a drink.

JORDAN

Why? Get a little crazy when you drink?

RORY

Yes. That's it.

JORDAN

I'd like to see that.

LOGAN

Rory. There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you. [He puts his arm around her.] I'm late, I'm sorry, don't be mad. Logan Huntzberger.

JORDAN

Uh, Jordan Chase.

LOGAN

Good to meet you, thanks for keeping my girl busy. If you hadn't, she would've noticed exactly how late I am and then she mighta left and that would have been very, very bad.

JORDAN

Excuse me, I'm sorry - you're with her?

LOGAN

Going on a year and a half.

JORDAN

Great. What the hell am I doing here? [He walks away.]

RORY

Oh, thank you.

LOGAN

You looked cornered.

RORY

I was.

LOGAN

Well, glad to be of service. Man, I hate these parties.

RORY

Not really my bag either.

LOGAN

But at least the bar is stocked, and I must say your grandmother has excellent food.

RORY

Wait, my grandmother?

RICHARD

Logan? How are you, son?

LOGAN

I'm very well, sir, and yourself?

RICHARD

Oh, I'm fit as a fiddle! It's good to see you. Are your parents here?

LOGAN

Wandering around here somewhere. Mom is obsessed with Emily's new draperies.

RICHARD

Ah, yes. Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics. All right, Rory. Since I see that you are in capable hands I will make another round and end up at the bar.

LOGAN

It's been good to see you, Richard.

RICHARD

Good to see you, Logan. [He moves away.]

RORY

You know my grandparents.

LOGAN

My folks are good friends with Richard and Emily. Okay, so. Lesson One in coping with painfully boring parties, form a sub-party.

RORY

Where are you going?

LOGAN

Finn!

RORY

Finn's here?

LOGAN

Finn!

FINN

You rang?

LOGAN

Time for a change of venue.

FINN

Oh, fantastic. [To Rory] Do I know you?

LANE

Is my mother here?

KYON

No, she's at Mrs. Cho's house. Mrs. Cho thinks that she lost some weight, and Mrs. Kim went to give it back to her.

LANE

Good. Why did you rat me out to my mother?

KYON

Rat you out?

LANE

You told her about Zach.

KYON

The boy you hugged?

LANE

Yes! You told her, I'm just a little mystified as to why you would do that.

KYON

Mrs. Kim has taken me in.

LANE

No, I took you in. You came to me, starving, and I gave you fries. You did like the fries, right?

KYON

Very, very much.

LANE

Okay, so that is we what we call in America a bonding thing. I gave you the fries and you are not supposed to tell on me to my mother!

KYON

What am I supposed to do?

LANE

Nothing. You say nothing, you do nothing.

KYON

But she would know!

LANE

She would know what?

KYON

She would know I lied, she would know I'm ungrateful and I keep a secret from her!

LANE

How would she know?

KYON

She know!

LANE

No, she no know! She is not magic!

KYON

Yes she is! She read thoughts and hand gestures!

LANE

Come here. [She makes Kyon sit down.] If you want, I can help you.

KYON

Help me?

LANE

What do you do every Sunday between noon and four?

KYON

I study.

LANE

And then?

KYON

And then I wait for Mrs. Kim to get home from her Crochet for Christ group with her sister.

LANE

Okay. And what do you do while you're waiting?

KYON

Nothing. I sit quietly.

LANE

Okay. Now wouldn't you rather, let's say, watch some television while you're waiting for my mother to get home?

KYON

[shaking her head]

Oh, I cannot!

LANE

Why?

KYON

Mrs. Kim does not want me to watch the television!

LANE

And how would she know?

KYON

Because, there's a little machine in the television set that will tell her what I watch!

LANE

Ha!

KYON

What ha?

LANE

That machine does not exist.

KYON

It does not?

LANE

Nope. It took me fifteen years to figure it out, but that's the truth.

KYON

So she cannot know?

LANE

She also cannot smell fast food on you even after you've showered.

KYON

She can't?

LANE

And she can't tell how many times you've opened your bible by staring at your palm.

KYON

My head spins!

LANE

And you don't have to hand out all those religious flyers she gives you. Just post enough of them around here regular route home and she'll think the job is done.

KYON

I think I need to lie down.

LANE

It's a whole new world, Kyon. A world I fought long and hard to figure out and I'm willing to pass all my knowledge on to you.

KYON

So, I can eat fries, watch TV if I get home early from not giving out my flyers?

LANE

I wouldn't bring the fries into the house. She has a really good nose. But you're thinking big, and I respect that.

KYON

I can watch the TV!

LANE

Stick with me, kid, and I'll have you wearing lip gloss within a month.

LORELAI

Emily and Richard Gilmore! Oh, come on! I know you speak English. I heard you yell "salmon" earlier. My mother put you up to this. Fine. [Hangs up.]

LUKE

What are they doing in there?

LORELAI

Um, fighting?

LUKE

And how long can you fight in an eight by ten room?

LORELAI

Well, maybe they're not fighting. Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.

LUKE

Now that makes me feel much better, thank you. Sorry about dinner.

LORELAI

Aw, dinner was great. It was delicious and interactive -

LUKE

Okay, I don't know how long this is going to continue.

LORELAI

Well, we could set fire to the place. Smoke 'em out.

LUKE

Listen, you don't have to sit here. I'll deal with this. You go home.

LORELAI

Are you sure?

LUKE

Yep. They are my family. Yippee. I'll deal with it. [Puts the cheesecake in a container.] You take this and go home, and we will try again tomorrow.

LORELAI

Wow! My own cheesecake. No man's ever given me a whole cheesecake before.

LUKE

You remember that.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Hey, maybe when I get home I'll stir something, seeing as I'm so good at it. Thanks for dinner.

LUKE

Thank you for not being related to me.

LUKE

That came out wrong.

LORELAI

No, I got it. Goodnight.

LUKE

'Night.

COLIN

Gilmore, your grandfather has apalling taste in Scotch.

RORY

I think you should go on inside and tell him!

COLIN

If he hasn't learned by now I certainly can't teach him.

LOGAN

Colin, make sure you refill that bottle with something, we don't want Ace over here to get busted.

COLIN

I know. I know.

LOGAN

[To Rory]

Refill?

RORY

Sure, why not?

FINN

Because drinking is bad. It's very, very bad and we're bad for doing it. Spank me.

RORY

I think the hangover tomorrow will be punishment enough.

FINN

She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan. [He leaves.]

LOGAN

Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you, I read the article.

RORY

You did?

LOGAN

Yep, not bad.

RORY

Thank you.

LOGAN

Caught the spirit of the thing, I'll give you that.

RORY

But?

LOGAN

No, no buts. You've got a good style. There were a few too many similes in it for my taste, but it definitely had a Joseph Mitchell thing going for it, I like that.

RORY

I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.

LOGAN

Are you? Hmm. [Stands up] So, who's it going to be?

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Well, this shindig's an obvious meat market, I've got the feeling that your grandparents are expecting you to choose someone tonight, so...

RORY

Oh, well...

FINN

Me. Pick me.

CROWD OF GUYS

No, pick me!

FINN

But I'm exotic!

COLIN

So's the Asian Bird flu.

LOGAN

Wow. A room full of guys and still extremely slim pickings.

RORY

Well, I don't know. It's a tough choice, maybe I should let my boyfriend help me choose.

LOGAN

You have a boyfriend?

FINN

I'm crushed.

GUY

Ain't it always the way?

LOGAN

Do Richard and Emily know about this?

RORY

Yeah, they do.

LOGAN

They're just trying to make sure you got a backup?

RORY

No, they're just - oh no, what time is it?

FINN

It's crying time.

COLIN

Eight forty five.

RORY

Dean is meeting me at eight-thirty! [She gets up to go.]

LOGAN

Where?

RORY

Here, out front!

LOGAN

Dean, is this the boyfriend?

RORY

Yes, the boyfriend!

LOGAN

Well, we got to see this guy.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

See who the man is who's won your heart. Got to make sure he's good enough. Let's go, boys!

RORY

But - hey!

LOGAN

Coming?

RORY

Dean, hi. I'm sorry, have you been waiting long? I didn't have a watch and we were in the pool house. These are some friends. They go to Yale with me and they know my grandparents. The party was so boring so we - [She stops as Dean looks very angry.] Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.

DEAN

What am I doing here, Rory?

RORY

You're picking me up.

DEAN

I don't belong here. Not anymore. [He pauses, Rory doesn’t deny it.] Do I?

RORY

Dean.

DEAN

You look good.

LOGAN

[gently]

You’ll be okay.

RORY

[shakes her head]

No, I won't.

LOGAN

Okay, that's it. Back to the pool house, men. We have some serious bucking up to do here.

COLIN

I swiped some Scotch.

FINN

I'll reenact the Passion of the Christ.

LOGAN

Hey Ace, nothing ever seems quite as bad after Finn's Passion of the Christ. Except Finn's Passion of the Christ.

MAID

Gilmore residence.

LORELAI

Hello! Oh, you speak English! Thank God! Um, is Emily Gilmore there, please?

MAID

It's for you, Mrs. Gilmore.

EMILY

Hello?

LORELAI

Hi, Mom, it's me.

EMILY

Well, hello, Lorelai. How are you?

LORELAI

I'm fine. Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute?

RICHARD

Your father's paying the caterers.

LORELAI

Well this'll just take a minute. Could you maybe go in the study on the speakerphone? Seriously, just one minute?

EMILY

All right. Hold on. [a minute.] All right, we're both here.

RICHARD

Hello, Lorelai. What can we do for you?

LORELAI

I just wanted to touch base with you about this little party you threw for Rory tonight.

EMILY

The party was not for Rory, it was for our Yale alumni.

LORELAI

Oh, it was not. It was a trick and you know it and I know it so let's just know it together.

RICHARD

What do you want, Lorelai?

LORELAI

You lied to your granddaughter tonight. You lied to a kid who trusted you. You tricked her.

EMILY

It was a party!

LORELAI

It was a mating ritual!

RICHARD

What are you talking about?

LORELAI

All boys, Mom? Seriously? What is that all about?

EMILY

It's good for her to interact with her peers.

RICHARD

Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase of her life now, and she needs to be exposed to different things, different people. That's all we were trying to do.

LORELAI

She has a boyfriend!

EMILY

Oh, so what?

LORELAI

So, she has a boyfriend, which means she doesn't need another one!

RICHARD

She's twenty years old, Lorelai. She's not going to be with that boy forever.

LORELAI

Uh-huh.

EMILY

That's right. And when she's ready to move on, she will have met some nice young men who will represent the new phase in her life.

RICHARD

I'm sure that Dean is a very nice young man. But he is certainly not good enough for Rory!

EMILY

That's right!

RICHARD

Now she is young. But young people need guidance. And since you seem so little help in this department, we had to step in.

LORELAI

Well, step on out again, because this is none of your business!

EMILY

Lorelai, I am tired. And the caterers have caked the floor with something sticky and I don't have time for this. We want more for her, period. Now obviously it is too late for you but it is not too late for Rory, and we are going to make sure that she has the life she deserves!

LORELAI

You know, it doesn't matter what you think of me, okay? Rory will choose her own path in life and there's nothing either one of you can do about it.

EMILY

I'm hanging up.

LORELAI

Well, me too.

LOGAN

Whoa, Ace, you need some help there?

RORY

Bye!