T6E7: “Twenty-One is the Loneliest Number”

LORELAI

What about Rory?

RICHARD

I don't like what I see in that girl.

LORELAI

My eyes?

RICHARD

She's lost focus. She's drifting, aimless. You know she's joined the DAR?

LORELAI

I saw the picture in the paper.

RICHARD

She's running around, planning tea parties like she's the mad hatter. All she talks about are seating charts and canapes and fund-raisers and that boy.

LORELAI

You mean Logan?

RICHARD

She's heading in the wrong direction, and I don't like it. Now, I've thought long and hard about this, and I've come to a decision. We need a plan.

LORELAI

But... (takes a deep breath) We... I had a plan. You changed the plan. Plan's gone, baby.

RICHARD

I don't appreciate your tone.

LORELAI

Apparently the proper tone went out with the plan.

RICHARD

Do you understand what I'm saying? Rory's not headed back to school.

LORELAI

Not yet, anyhow.

RICHARD

Not yet? Not now, not ever. Listen to me for just a moment. We can fix this. First of all, I can change the terms of Rory's trust fund. Currently, she's set to receive it when she turns twenty-five, but I say we tell her it's contingent on her returning to Yale.

LORELAI

Dad...

RICHARD

Or we can use the opposite approach, if you think it's better. Maybe we offer her a car or the down payment on a town house. Or I'll buy her the town house. Don't you see? If there's something in it for her, maybe we can get her to change her mind.

LORELAI

Thank you for the dollhouse, dad. It's greatly appreciated.

RICHARD

I don't believe this. Aren't you listening to me?

LORELAI

Uh, no.

RICHARD

Lorelai, Rory is turning twenty-one years old in ten days. Do you realize that?

LORELAI

Yes, dad, I realize it.

RICHARD

She's twenty-one. That's not a child. Twenty-one-year-olds need to be working towards something.

LORELAI

Rory will figure it out.

RICHARD

Oh, please, she's twenty-one. I couldn't tie my shoe at twenty-one.

LORELAI

Well, Rory's advanced. She had the shoe thing down at three.

RICHARD

I'm getting a little tired...

LORELAI

No, I'm getting a little tired of this conversation. I'm not interested in your plan. I'm not going to bribe my daughter with cars and money, mainly because it wouldn't work, and if you'd ever met Rory, you would know it wouldn't work. Rory can't be bought, and I'm not gonna try and buy her. I want Rory to want to go back to school. She used to love to learn and read and study. And that was freakish, but it was her. And she's got to get herself back there.

RICHARD

But...

LORELAI

No, when Rory wants help, she will ask for it. And the minute she does, I will fly in faster than the gulfstream I'm sure you're gonna offer to buy her next. But until then, I'm sorry, you're on your own.

RICHARD

Impossible girl.

LORELAI

My native American name, I believe. (Richard leaves frustrated)

LORELAI

Unbelievable. He's unbelievable.

LUKE

He sure is. How did he lift this thing?

LORELAI

Pretending like it's an accident that Rory's still floundering. Nothing's an accident. He caused this. He made this happen.

LUKE

It must weigh a thousand pounds.

LORELAI

That was a low blow, bringing up Rory's birthday like that. "She's turning twenty-one, Lorelai. Did you know that?". (she scoffs) Of course I know that. I was there when she was turning nothing. I know she's turning twenty-one.

LUKE

Does this thing have, like, a real foundation or something?

LORELAI

It's just like my parents, you know, to double-cross me then get mad when I won't help them undo the double cross.

LUKE

Did he have guys with him?

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Guys, to help him lift this thing.

LORELAI

No, no guys.

LUKE

No guys? Your dad is Hercules.

LORELAI

We had plans.

LUKE

(grunts as he tries to pick the dollhouse up) What? (Lorelai sits on the porch rail)

LORELAI

We were gonna go to Atlantic City. We were gonna sit at a blackjack table at 11:59, we were gonna order martinis, and we were gonna be playing 21 when she turned twenty-one. (Luke walks over to her) And then hopefully we'd win, and we'd take our winnings and we'd buy 21 things. And then there was a thing about 21 guys that wouldn't really be appropriate anymore since the engagement, but it was a good plan. (Luke starts to play with Lorelai's hair in a comforting way) She probably doesn't even remember the plan.

LUKE

She remembers the plan.

LORELAI

It wasn't like we talked about it every day. It was just something we thought of.

LUKE

She remembers the plan.

LORELAI

I'm hungry. I'm ordering pizza. (they hug and Luke kisses the top of her head) The top comes off. (Lorelai goes in the house)

LUKE

Of course it does.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

Happy birthday, little girl.

RORY

Hey.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

I can't believe how fast you're growing up.

RORY

Really? Feels slow.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

Trust me, it's fast. So, what do you think of your life so far?

RORY

I think it's pretty good.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

Any complaints?

RORY

I'd like that whole humidity thing to go away.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

I'll work on that.

RORY

So, do I look older?

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

Oh, yeah. Walk into Denny's before five, you got yourself a discount.

RORY

Good deal.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

So, you know what I think?

RORY

What?

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

I think you're a great, cool kid and the best friend a girl could have.

RORY

Back at ya.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

And it's so hard to believe that, at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position.

RORY

Oh, boy, here we go.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

Only I had a fat stomach and huge ankles and I was swearing like a sailor...

RORY

... on leave.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

On leave, right. And there I was...

RORY

... in labour...

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

... and while there's some who call it the most meaningful experience of their life...

RORY

... you compare it to something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.

MADELEINE ALBRIGHT

Right.

RORY

I wonder if the Waltons ever did this.

LOGAN

What?

RORY

I just had a dream that Madeleine Albright was my mother.

LOGAN

Hmm. (Logan falls back to sleep. Rory sighs and follows his lead, looking a bit preoccupied)

LORELAI

Hey, there.

BABETTE

Oh, hi, sugar. Couldn't see you over the bags.

LORELAI

Wow, you got a lot of stuff there. You hunkering down for winter?

BABETTE

Nah, we're getting our supplies for our gallows.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, you're gonna hang Morey again?

MOREY

Do it every year.

LORELAI

You're always the hit of the neighbourhood.

BABETTE

So, what about you, honey? What are you gonna do?

LORELAI

Oh, you know, the same thing I always do.

BABETTE

(disappointed) Oh. Gonna hang caramel apples from the tree again?

LORELAI

The kids love 'em.

BABETTE

Yeah. They're not that scary.

LORELAI

Well, to a diabetic, they're downright terrifying.

BABETTE

Huh? Okay. Caramel apples.

LORELAI

And I will be handing out candy, which, you know, is the entire point of Halloween.

BABETTE

Sure. Sure, honey. Well, we got a lot to do. We got to go.

MOREY

No rest for the doomed.

BABETTE

See you later. (Babette and Morey start to walk off as Lorelai calls after them)

LORELAI

You know, I-I-I bought a haunted house CD to play in the background. (Babette politely laughs a bit and she and Morey walk away, as Lorelai leaves looking a bit pissed)

RORY

What time is our reservation?

LOGAN

Now.

RORY

Oh. It's amazing what happens when you can't find your keys.

LOGAN

I think we should order in tonight.

RORY

And the purse is down.

RORY

Who is it?

EMILY

(OS)

Emily Gilmore. (the kids get off the couch and Rory gets the door and lets Emily in)

EMILY

I'm so sorry to bother you, Rory. Hello, Logan.

LOGAN

Hello, Emily.

EMILY

Rory, could you check your closets? The maid hung up your dry cleaning today and I am missing a blouse, and I want to know whether or not to add this to the list of reasons I'm firing her.

RORY

Of course. I'll be right back. (she walks off to the bedroom)

EMILY

Thank you, Rory. I'm so exhausted with incompetent people, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like every person I hire immediately gets hit in the head with a mallet on their way out of the employment office. (quickly and quietly to Logan) Logan, do you have anything special planned for Rory's birthday next week?

LOGAN

Uh... no, no plans.

EMILY

Oh, good. Because I would love to throw her a party here. A 21st birthday is so special. But I didn't want to order twelve pounds of crab legs if you had plans to whisk her off to Santorini.

LOGAN

No whisking plans in the works.

RORY

(walking back out form the bedroom) Sorry, grandma, your blouse isn't in there.

EMILY

Say, Rory, how would you like a birthday party next week?

RORY

Oh, well...

EMILY

It doesn't have to be a big, formal affair. Just something fun with your friends and a few of the DAR ladies, whoever you want.

RORY

Sure, grandma, a party sounds fine.

EMILY

I'll go right in and call the caterers. 21 years old... time flies, doesn't it? All right, you two, back to what you were doing. (Emily walks out and Rory starts to lead Logan back to the couch)

RORY

Hey, grandma says.

LOGAN

So, a 21st birthday. Big event.

RORY

I guess.

LOGAN

Would've been nice if I had known about it.

RORY

Oh, I didn't tell you?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

Oh. I'm just not into birthdays.

LOGAN

You're not into birthdays? You, who wore green head to toe on St.Patrick's day and bunny ears on Easter?

RORY

I have stock in hallmark.

LOGAN

What's up, Ace?

RORY

We should probably call the restaurant if we still want to try and eat there.

LOGAN

Ace.

RORY

I'm just not excited about this particular birthday.

LOGAN

Why not?

RORY

Because I'm turning 21.

LOGAN

Yes... ?

RORY

My mom and I have been planning for my 21st birthday since, well, my first memory is kindergarten, but I have a feeling she was talking about it before then. We had this whole big thing planned.

LOGAN

Yeah... ?

RORY

We were gonna go to Atlantic City and sit at a blackjack table at 11:59, and we'd be playing 21 when I turned 21. We were gonna drink martinis and win money and go buy 21 things, and there was this thing including 21 guys that would be totally inappropriate now that I'm with you. But it was a pretty big thing, and... and now we're not talking, so it's not gonna happen. I'm just a little bummed. That's all.

LOGAN

I know you miss your mom. The concept's a little hard for me to grasp, but I know you do. (he sits)

RORY

Well, you never got to know her. She can be pretty cool.

LOGAN

Hey, I know. I'll take you to Atlantic City.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

We can still play 21 when you turn 21. We can buy the 21 things. I'd still vote to put the kibosh on that thing with the 21 guys. But other than that, I'm good to go.

RORY

You're sweet, but it's OK. (she sits next to him)

LOGAN

Come on. We'll get a car. 21 cars, if you like.

RORY

No. No, I appreciate the offer a lot, but I'll just have the party and let this birthday pass.

LOGAN

You sure?

RORY

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. And I'm hungry. You ready to go? (she picks the Birkin bag from the floor and stands up. Logan doesn't follow) Where did I put my keys?

LOGAN

Oh, I think I saw them on the couch.

RORY

Here we go again. (she sits next to him again and they start making out again)

EMILY

(talks as Rory eats on of the cake samples distracted) You know, when I was turning 21, I somehow got it into my head that I simply had to have my invitations trimmed with real pearls. I could not be convinced that it was at all tacky or impractical. I was right, and that was the way it had to be. My mother was beside herself. I never heard so much sighing in my whole life. But in the end, she found me invitations lined with real pearls, and I felt like the most important girl in the world. So, come on, tell me, which ones are your pearl-trimmed invitations? Rory!

RORY

Hmm?

EMILY

You're supposed to try them all.

RORY

What?

EMILY

The cake. Alfonso made us those samples. The least we can do is try them all.

RORY

Oh, OK, sure. (takes a forkful from another cake)

EMILY

Well, I like the lace. Do you like the lace?

RORY

Sure.

EMILY

All right. The lace it is. Now, the food. I think we should go buffet. Much more youthful. And what do you think of sushi? Sushi feels young, doesn't it?

RORY

I certainly hope so. You don't want any old sushi hanging around.

EMILY

Now, we'll have a bar, heaters on the patio to stem the crowd. Oh, do you want a special tray-passed drink, like a sidecar maybe or a gin fizz? I used to love a nice gin fizz. (noticing Rory isn't paying attention) Am I boring you?

RORY

No, the lace is fine.

EMILY

Rory, where is your head today?

RORY

I don't know. I'm sorry.

EMILY

There are a million other little details I need to go over here. Would you like me to just do it myself?

RORY

Um, sure. You've got great taste. I trust you completely.

EMILY

All right. Then the only thing I need from you is a little guidance on the guest list. Now, I have the information for the DAR ladies, of course, and Logan. I have Logan's information. I believe I have the address of your Asian friend.

RORY

Lane.

EMILY

She hasn't moved?

RORY

Not that I know of.

EMILY

All right

RORY

She'll want to bring her boyfriend.

EMILY

Her boyfriend? How wonderful. Rory's Asian friend...

RORY

Lane!

EMILY

... has a boyfriend. All right. Now, what about Paris? Are you two friends? I never really can tell.

RORY

Paris should be on the list.

EMILY

Then Paris is on the list.

RORY

She'll want to bring her boyfriend, too.

EMILY

My goodness. I guess there's something in the air. All right. I have the Cheevers, your cousins from Bridgeport. Now, do you want me to put your mother on this list?

RORY

Mom?

EMILY

It's completely up to you. I just thought I should ask.

RORY

Yes, put mom on the list.

EMILY

All right. She's on the list.

RORY

And the chocolate praline crunch is the cake.

EMILY

A chocolate praline crunch cake. (wistful) A chocolate praline crunch cake completely covered with pearls. Ah, to be 21 again.

LORELAI

Wow! Looks great, guys.

BABETTE

Yeah, we made it bigger this year. And we added a great new light effect to help Morey's face look more distorted when he drops because, you know, when you really get hanged, your eyeballs sometimes explode and your tongue splits down the middle. It's disgusting. Wanna see?

LORELAI

Uh...

BABETTE

Morey, shake a leg.

MOREY

Okay. (takes his spot and puts his head in the rope) All set.

BABETTE

Okay! Bombs away! (pulls a lever and Morey falls)

LORELAI

OH!

BABETTE

Now, remember, you got to twitch around a lot, make the kids think you're dying real slow and painful.

MOREY

Okay

BABETTE

Now, obviously there'll be some blood shooting out and some screams, but you get the picture.

LORELAI

I-I-I do.

MOREY

(twitching around a bit, obviously uncomfortable) Babette? Tight, babe.

LORELAI

Do you need help, Babette?

BABETTE

Oh, no. As soon as he passes out, his muscles relax and I can slide him right out. We'll be good.

LORELAI

Okay. See you guys later. (walks off to the house)

LORELAI

Luke, are you here?

LUKE

In the kitchen.

LORELAI

Where's Paul Anka? He didn't meet me at the door.

LUKE

Peas scare him.

LORELAI

Really? Huh. Peas? (puts down her purse, takes off her coat and looks at a list on the fridge) Cooked or raw?

LUKE

Doesn't seem pleased with either form.

LORELAI

Okay, peas are out. (writes something - peas - on the list) What smells so good?

LUKE

Fried chicken.

LORELAI

Luke, will you marry me?

LUKE

Set the table?

LORELAI

Okay, first, I have some very exciting news to tell you.

LUKE

Shoot! (Lorelai starts to take things out to lay the table)

LORELAI

This year, I have decided do a whole new thing for Halloween.

LUKE

You're not gonna hang the caramel apples again?

LORELAI

Caramel apples aren't scary.

LUKE

Well, what's scary is you opening your house up to a mob of insane, sugar-laced kids wearing masks that conviently hide any identifying features.

LORELAI

I have decided to do something totally different, and I'm gonna need your help.

LUKE

Sure.

LORELAI

Okay. I want to do a skit.

LUKE

Skit?

LORELAI

Yes, I want to be a mad scientist. I'm gonna come out in a blood-stained white lab coat and freaky makeup and big, giant, Don King kind of hairdo, and I'm going to turn the whole front yard into my laboratory.

LUKE

Wow.

LORELAI

Yes, I'm gonna have a huge electric chair and an operating table and test tubes and wires.

LUKE

Sounds elaborate.

LORELAI

But you haven't heard the half of it, okay? And so I come out and I do mad scientist "banter", like, "Hey, who here is from Bellevue?" and "'Girl Interrupted'? Now that's my idea of a feel-good movie". I'll work on it. But anyway, after that, I'm gonna drag you out.

LUKE

What?

LORELAI

You're strapped in an electric chair, and I'm gonna throw the switch and totally electrocute you. And you're flailing around. We'll rig something where smoke and sparks shoot out of your nose. And then once you're dead, I'll throw you onto the operating table and I'll cut you open, and I pull link sausages out of you and throw them into the crowd.

LUKE

That's it?

LORELAI

Well, I mean, we can take a bow or something, but, yeah, that's it.

LUKE

Okay. Uh, just a couple of questions here. Once you've electrocuted me, and I'm dead, um, how exactly do I get to the operating table?

LORELAI

huh. Good question. Maybe I can position the operating table like right near the electric chair so I can just flop you over onto it after you die.

LUKE

Okay, let's say we work that out. Now I'm on the table. You're gonna cut me open with what?

LORELAI

A big, rusty saw.

LUKE

And then you're gonna pull link sausages out of me.

LORELAI

Real slow and creepy like.

LUKE

Okay, great. Last question. Uh, what are the odds of you getting me to do a skit where you electrocute me, cut me open, and pull link sausages out of me? 'Cause I'm thinking they're right up there with Pia Zadora making a big comeback.

LORELAI

Oh, come on. This will be fun.

LUKE

No way, not happening.

LORELAI

But this is our first Halloween together as a full-blown, committed, soon-to-be-married couple. We need to start our own traditions.

LUKE

Tell you what. I'll build you the chair, help with the test tubes, and then I'm done.

LORELAI

But you would be so scary with smoke coming out of your nose. I really want to see that.

LUKE

Well, we're gonna be together the rest of our lives, so odds are you will.

LORELAI

Luke!

LUKE

Chicken's burning. I got to concentrate. Why don't you go find your psychotic dog, and I'll set the table?

LORELAI

Okay, but this discussion is not over. (walks over to the fridge and takes out some raw broccoli) Here, Paul Anka. Mommy's got your broccoli. (walks out of the kitchen to find PA)

LOGAN

Out.

RORY

Oh, come on.

LOGAN

Beat it!

RORY

I can't believe you're not gonna come in.

LOGAN

I told you I'm meeting my father at 7:30 in the morning in New York.

RORY

I loved the dinner tonight.

LOGAN

I'm glad.

RORY

I've never had Sri Lankan food before.

LOGAN

I thought you'd like it.

RORY

And I appreciate you lying to me and answering "chicken" every time I asked you what I was eating.

LOGAN

Well, fifteen courses. One of them was bound to be chicken.

RORY

And that dessert.

LOGAN

Do you really think you can keep talking long enough that I forget I can't come in?

RORY

Well, I've seen my mom do it before. I thought maybe it was a family trait. (Logan leans over her and they kiss) Just for an hour.

LOGAN

No. (Rory leans in a gain and kisses him)

RORY

Half an hour?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

Fifteen minutes?

LOGAN

No.

RORY

Okay, an hour.

LOGAN

You're getting better at this. (they start making out and then someone - Richard knocks on Logan's window. They break the kiss quickly and pull away from each other)

RORY

Ow, you bit my lip. (Logan lowers his window)

RICHARD

I didn't mean to startle you two. I heard a noise out here and just came to check it out. Everything all right?

LOGAN

Everything is fine Richard, I was just dropping Rory off.

RORY

Hi, Grandpa.

RICHARD

Hello, Rory. Well, I'll just say good night, then.

RORY

Good night, Grandpa.

LOGAN

Good night, Richard. (Richard smiles and leaves)

EMILY

Was it the Mortigans' Dalmatian trying to mate with our lion statues again?

RICHARD

No, it was not the Mortigans' Dalmatian. It was Rory and Logan. (he sots opposite her)

EMILY

How natural selection hasn't wiped out dogs like that, I'll never know. Rory and Logan?

RICHARD

It was Rory and Logan. They just came home. Logan was dropping Rory off.

EMILY

Well, that's nice. Oh, look at this bedroom set. Richard, you would love these pillows.

RICHARD

Seems I interrupted their goodbyes.

EMILY

Oh, Richard, now they're going to think we were spying on them. This settee is lovely, also.

RICHARD

They were engaged in a round of serious necking.

EMILY

What do you mean?

RICHARD

You know exactly what I mean.

EMILY

You know, Richard, Rory's growing up.

RICHARD

Mm-hmm.

EMILY

She's turning 21 next week.

RICHARD

Oh. Is that what the flotilla of party planners outside our door was about?

EMILY

Logan is certainly a very experienced young man.

RICHARD

Man of the world, Emily, man of the world.

EMILY

You know, Richard, it might be that time.

RICHARD

What time?

EMILY

She might be getting ready to have relations with that boy.

RICHARD

Oh, Emily, please. Have you seen the size of that sports car of his? There's no room to cross your legs, much less anything else.

EMILY

The car is not the only place they're getting affectionate, Richard. I walked in on them the other day in the pool house. They were very cozy on the couch, and they certainly weren't looking for her keys.

RICHARD

Do you really think?

EMILY

I really think.

RICHARD

Oh, we have to do something. If she's getting ready to take that step, we have to do something.

EMILY

I couldn't agree more.

RICHARD

Tomorrow.

EMILY

Tomorrow. I am in love with this bedroom set.

SOOKIE

Okay! So... what kind of link sausage would you like to pull out of Luke?

LORELAI

I'm not sure. Nothing too wimpy. Luke's a big guy, so he needs big-guy sausage.

SOOKIE

Don't we all.

LORELAI

Don't make my man's sausage dirty.

SOOKIE

Well, you could go kielbasa. That's a big-guy sausage.

LORELAI

I guess. Technically, Luke hasn't agreed to let me pull anything out of him.

SOOKIE

Small detail.

LORELAI

Minuscule roadblock.

SOOKIE

Well, personally, I love the Louisiana sweet sausage 'cause it has the nicest flavour. A little bite, but not too overwhelming.

LORELAI

But, I'm not gonna eat the sausage. I'm going to pull it out of Luke. (an Dragonfly employee comes in the kitchen holding an envelope)

RON

Mail just came.

LORELAI

Oh, thanks, Ron.

SOOKIE

Well, if you're just going by looks, I'd go Cajun because it's red. (they both chuckle as Lorelai opens the envelope - Rory's party invitation) What's the matter?

LORELAI

Nothing.

SOOKIE

It's not nothing.

LORELAI

It's an invitation to Rory Gilmore's 21st birthday party.

SOOKIE

Wow, look at all that lace. Man, that's a pretty invitation.

LORELAI

Sure is.

SOOKIE

Are you going to go?

LORELAI

This isn't from Rory. This is from my Dad via my Mom.

SOOKIE

It is?

LORELAI

Oh, yes. It's just my Dad trying to manipulate me and get me involved in a plan to manipulate Rory.

SOOKIE

But you had a plan.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

Boy, they are determined.

LORELAI

Determined, demented, de-lovely.

SOOKIE

I can't believe Rory's turning 21. It seems like just yesterday she was crying because you told her Charlotte Bronte couldn't come to her sleepover because she's dead.

LORELAI

I'm gonna go check the reservation book.

SOOKIE

Too much Rory talk.

LORELAI

Oh, just a tad. It's making me bummed, so...

SOOKIE

We could go back to our sausage talk.

LORELAI

Maybe later. (Lorelai exits the kitchen)

RORY

Oh, my god, it smells good in here.

EMILY

Well, I see someone got our dinner invitation.

RORY

Yes, I did, and thank you. It's been weeks since I've had anything that hasn't been supersized for dinner.

EMILY

Well, you've been so busy lately, I had to resort to pot roast and mashed potatoes to get you here.

RORY

Pot roast and mashed potatoes?

EMILY

With baby carrots, parker house rolls, and ice cream sundaes for dessert.

RORY

Wow. Am I dying?

EMILY

Would you grab that bottle of wine? (walks off with two drinks in her hand)

RORY

Sure. (grabs the wine and follows Emily)

RICHARD

Rory, how lovely that you could join us. Do you know the Reverend Boatwright?

RORY

Uh, no.

EMILY

Oh, I can't believe that. Reverend Boatwright has been our minister for years. By now he's more of a friend than a minister.

RORY

Well, it's nice to meet you, Reverend Boatwright.

RORY

Yes, it is.

EMILY

(as she takes her seat) Rory, sit, sit. (Rory sits) It's amazing. All the wonderful foods in this world, the greatest chefs with the most exotic ingredients, and yet this girl still wants pot roast. Roll, reverend?

EMILY

Hmm. I wonder where that salad is. Will you excuse me? I'll be right back. (gets up and exits the dinning room)

RICHARD

You know, Emily ordered some of that wonderful Irish butter. You haven't tasted rolls until you've had them with Irish butter. I'll be right back. (gets up and exits the dinning room)

RORY

And then there were two.

RORY

Oh, yeah?

RORY

Well, then it's a mutual admiration society.

RORY

Twenty first.

RORY

I guess so.

RORY

Yes.

RORY

Oh, yeah?

RORY

(looking the way Emily and Richard went off) Uh-huh.

RORY

No.

RORY

Oh.

RORY

Oh, dear.

RORY

Um... well, (chuckles a bit uncomfortably) listen, Reverend. I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I assume is a busy day to come here and talk to me about... all of this, but, um, I'm afraid the ultimate-gift ship has sailed.

RORY

A while ago. It's probably in Fiji by now.

RORY

Yeah.

RORY

So, have you seen "The 40-year-old Virgin"? 'Cause you might like it.

EMILY

Well, it can't go next to the sushi, so I guess the cake will have to go in there. Maybe in the corner?

CLAIRE

Sounds good

RORY

Grandma.

EMILY

Oh, Rory, good. Do you think we should have a carving station in case some people find sushi unappealing, or will the passed hors d'oeuvres be enough?

RORY

Either way.

EMILY

"Either way" is not an opinion Rory, just for future reference. (at Claire) Let's have a carving station. Just beef, no turkey.

RORY

What happened to the pool house?

EMILY

What do you mean?

RORY

It's full of stuff.

EMILY

Oh, yes, the rentals. I had absolutely nowhere to put them. They said it might rain tonight, and we couldn't leave them outside, so I just put them in the pool house.

RORY

But I live in the pool house. What am I supposed to do?

EMILY

Oh, I packed up your things and put them in your old room upstairs.

RORY

Upstairs?

EMILY

Uh-huh. The room right next to ours. We can knock secret-code messages to each other at night, like we're in camp. (notices something in the other room and yells at someone) No, I didn't tell you to put that there. You're fired.

RORY

Grandma, has mom RSVP'ed?

EMILY

I don't know, Rory. Check the list. (as Rory checks the list Emily talk to the worker she was previously fired) Yes, out now, please. Thank you.

RORY

The list says no.

EMILY

Then I guess the answer's "no".

RORY

Well, that's just wrong. When an invitations says "RSVP", you RSVP. That's what you do. It's not rocket science.

EMILY

Maybe she's still coming.

RORY

But how do we know? If she doesn't call, how will we know whether or not to make an extra chocolate box, huh? If she doesn't call, she won't have a chocolate box.

EMILY

We can make an extra chocolate box, Rory.

RORY

No. Why should we make an extra chocolate box? I mean, we're paying for these things. Chocolate boxes do not just grow on trees. They are made. They're made by these hardworking people right here, and it is not right to make these people spend hours making extra chocolate boxes because people are too lazy to make a stupid phone call! (exits very upset)

EMILY

Rory!

LUKE

You're gonna be sick.

LORELAI

No.

LUKE

It's already loaded with chocolate chips. That's candy, and you're adding whipped cream. That's more candy.

LORELAI

Got any jelly beans?

LUKE

I'm gonna be sick. (the telephone rings)

LORELAI

Oh, and a cherry. (Luke answers the phone)

LUKE

Luke's.

RORY

(on the phone)

Luke, is my mother there?

LUKE

Rory?

LORELAI

Rory?

RORY

Yes, it's Rory. Is my mother there?

LORELAI

That's Rory?

LUKE

I'll give her to you.

LORELAI

To me? That's Rory for me?

RORY

No! I just want to know if she's coming to my birthday party.

LUKE

She wants to know if you're coming to her birthday party.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

We're making the chocolate boxes right now, and I need to know if she's coming so I know whether or not to make her one.

LUKE

They're making the chocolate boxes right now, and she needs to know if you're coming so they can make you one.

LORELAI

I didn't know I was invited.

RORY

I sent her an invitation! Where the hell did she think it came from?! The invitation fairy!?

LUKE

She said she sent you an invitation.

LORELAI

I didn't know it was from her. (a bit louder and closer to the phone, Luke holds the phone up for her) I didn't know it was from you!

RORY

Well, it was. Is she coming or not?

LUKE

Are you coming or not?

LORELAI

Yes, I-I'm coming. I want a chocolate box.

LUKE

She'll be there.

RORY

Fine. Bye. (hangs up)

LORELAI

Rory called.

LUKE

I know. She called and yelled at me.

LORELAI

No, she called and yelled at me.

LUKE

Yeah, but I'm the one who had to hear it, and she was loud. And she said "hell". I never heard her say "hell". I didn't even know she knew how to say "hell". She was mad and she yelled and she said "hell".

LORELAI

Yeah, but she called.

EMILY

Keep those fans going. I don't want the whole house to smell of raw fish. Disgusting food. (welcoming two guests) Shelby, Martin, how wonderful that you've come.

SHELBY

We're a bit early, I'm afraid.

EMILY

Nonsense. Have a "rory". We'll chat later. (as she walks away from them) Tacky, horrid people. Why not just show up the night before with a sleeping bag? (as the doorbell rings Emily gives some instructions to the maid) May-May, you've got to get it down to a 1-bell answer. Bell rings once, door opens. Please help me on this. Mr. Gilmore is not here yet, and therefore I have no one to help me with the guests or the party. So, just make sure you get the door after one bell. (the doorbell rings) That's two bells. (as it rings again, Emily starts getting mad) That's three bells! (the maid quickly opens the door) Well, hello, Glory. Come in, come in. (the gusts come in and Emily notices as Rory comes down from upstairs and walks up to her) Rory, you look wonderful. That dress is to die for.

RORY

Well, it's the one you laid out on the bed, so I assumed I was supposed to put it on.

EMILY

Well, it's perfect. So, how does it look?

RORY

Fine.

EMILY

I'll never forgive myself for being talked into votives, but that's what you get for taking calls at cocktail hour. Have you tried your drink?

RORY

My what? (Emily snaps her fingers and waiter comes up with a tray)

EMILY

Your signature drink. (takes a martini glass filled with a pink drink from the tray and offers it to Rory) I had the bartender concoct it for you. It's called "rory". It's got champagne, vodka, pineapple juice, and grenadine. Have one. You're old enough now.

RORY

Maybe later. Empty stomach.

EMILY

Well, there's plenty to eat, so that can be remedied.

RORY

Where's Grandpa?

EMILY

He'll be here soon. (Logan walks up to them)

LOGAN

Well, there they are. The two most lovely ladies in the room.

EMILY

(rather coldly) Hello, Logan. I have to check on your cake. (walks away)

LOGAN

Huh. Is it me or could the penguins march through here?

RORY

She's probably mad because she found out we're having sex.

LOGAN

She what?

RORY

She found out we're having sex.

LOGAN

How the hell did she find that out?

RORY

I told her minister.

LOGAN

But-but why would you do that?

RORY

Because he was going on and on about my virtue being a gift. And now you have it, so I'm gonna have to buy the next guy a sweater. I just wanted him to stop.

LOGAN

And all this without a drink in my hand.

RORY

Come on. Let's get you a "rory". (they start walking towards the bar)

LOGAN

Ohh, dealing with this family is stressful.

RORY

Oh! (chuckles) Tell me about it. And once you've had that drink, I can tell you how I've been moved out of the pool house and into a room right next to my grandparents. So from now on, we'll have to have sex in our invisible suits. (at the bartender) Two rories, please.

LOGAN

Does your grandfather know, also?

RORY

Oh, yeah.

LOGAN

(at bartender) Make it four.

LANE

(comes in dragging Zack behind her) Rory!

RORY

You came!

LANE

Of course I came. I wouldn't miss your 21st birthday. (they hug)

RORY

Oh, I'm glad. Hey, Zack, thanks for coming.

ZACK

Sure, no problem. There's food, right?

RORY

Oh, plenty of food. Lane, I want you to meet Logan. Logan, this is my best friend, Lane.

LOGAN

Hey, nice to finally meet you. (they shake hands)

LANE

Nice to finally meet you, too. (Lane mouths to Rory "He's cute" and Rory responds "I know") And this is my boyfriend, Zack.

LOGAN

(offers Zack a handshake) How you doing?

ZACK

What? (sees his hand and they shake) Oh, I'm hanging in there.

LOGAN

You guys want a drink?

ZACK

Well, I'm not sharing, so make it two drinks. (Logan turns over to the bar to order)

LANE

Wow, this house is amazing. I've never been here before.

RORY

I'll give you a tour.

BARTENDER

Two rories. Extra cherries for the lady.

LANE

Oh, my god, you have your own drink. (Rory give Lane a rory)

RORY

Wait till you see the bathroom. The guest soap has my face on it. (the girls walk off ahead as Logan gives Zack a rory)

ZACK

So, you're, like, rich, huh?

LOGAN

Uh... (the boys follow the girls)

LUKE

This might be my least favourite door in the world to knock on.

LORELAI

What about death's door?

LUKE

The reception on the other side might be warmer. (Lorelai nods a bit. As Luke is about to knock on the door it opens)

LORELAI

Well, at least you didn't have to knock.

LUKE

Ready?

LORELAI

I was born ready.

LUKE

Ah, nice, low-key affair.

LORELAI

Okay, we're in and the gift's on the gift pile (puts the present on the gift pile) and, um, oh (looks around), yes. (takes two rories from a passing tray and gives one to Luke) Cheers. Okay, there. Checking things off the list. We should probably move deeper into the house now.

LUKE

What is this?

LORELAI

Do you see Rory?

LUKE

Not yet.

LORELAI

Boy, big turnout.

LUKE

Yeah. Maybe if we're lucky and we keep moving around, we can avoid...

EMILY

Lorelai, you came. You're here. There's a chocolate box for you in the hallway.

LORELAI

Thank you, mom.

EMILY

Hello, Luke. I didn't know you were coming. I don't have a chocolate box for you. You'll have to share with Lorelai.

LORELAI

Fat chance. Mom buys really good chocolate.

EMILY

I see you have a rory.

LORELAI

Excuse me?

EMILY

Your drink. It's called a rory. What's the matter, Luke, you don't like your rory?

LUKE

Oh, no, It's-it's great. It's a little pink, you know.

EMILY

Well, Rory's a girl. Girls like pink.

LUKE

I know. I was just saying.

EMILY

No one's asking you to wear it. It's not a skirt.

LUKE

I know. I just...

LORELAI

Drink the drink. (Luke drinks)

EMILY

Well, nice of you two to come. I have some things to check on. We'll catch up later. Excuse me. (walks away)

LUKE

(disgusted) Ohh, it tasted pink.

LORELAI

She's gone. (they start walking through the house)

LUKE

I mean, like, really tasted really pink, like pink pink. Yech!

LORELAI

Come on, let's get something to eat.

LUKE

God, that's terrible. It's like drinking a "My Little Pony". (they walk off)

RORY

Hey, I'm glad you guys came.

PARIS

We had to stop and eat first in case the food here sucked.

DOYLE

Happy birthday, Rory.

PARIS

Yeah, listen, we have really big news.

RORY

Thanks Doyle. What Paris?

PARIS

You tell her.

DOYLE

Okay.

PARIS

But do it fast and don't embellish.

DOYLE

As you know, I'm a senior, and my reign as editor of the Yale Daily News is officially up at the end of the year and I'm stepping down. I'm going back to writing full-time.

RORY

Wow.

DOYLE

I'm gonna be writing a column in the Daily News called "The World According to Doyle".

RORY

I can't imagine The Daily News without you as editor.

PARIS

Yeah. It's going to be weird. Ask who the new editor is.

RORY

Oh! Who's the new editor going to be?

PARIS

Me.

RORY

You? (a bit taken aback)

PARIS

That's right. Paris Geller is the new editor of the Yale Daily News. I was worried about the intimidation factor, 'cause people tend to be afraid of me, but I campaigned hard and really worked the "my parents left me broke" angle, got a little sympathy vote, and the next thing I know, I am the man.

DOYLE

My woman is the man. (Rory looks around a bit uncomfortable)

PARIS

I mean, it's so incredible. Last year, I was sleeping with the editor.

DOYLE

And this year, I am.

PARIS

I can't wait. The changes I'm going to make.

DOYLE

Hold on to your hats, people. (Rory notices as Lorelai and Luke walk up to the kids)

PARIS

I'm going to crack that whip, raise that bar. The last person that ran the shop was too busy ironing his petticoat to put out a decent paper.

DOYLE

That's about to change.

PARIS

You know it is.

LORELAI

Hey, everyone. Hey, Paris.

PARIS

Hey, Lorelai. You remember my boyfriend, Doyle?

LORELAI

Good to see you. This is Luke.

PARIS

Nice to meet you, Luke.

LUKE

We actually met about two or three weeks ago...

PARIS

This is my boyfriend, Doyle.

DOYLE

It's nice to meet you.

LUKE

Yeah, it's nice to meet you, too.

LORELAI

Hey, birthday girl.

RORY

Hey.

PARIS

We were just talking about the big news.

LORELAI

(excited) What's the big news?

PARIS

I'm the new editor of the Yale Daily News.

LORELAI

(glances at Rory with a concerned look) Wow. Congratulations, Paris.

PARIS

Yeah. Last year I was sleeping with the editor.

DOYLE

And this year, I am.

RORY

(still a bit uncomfortable) Um... I have to go say hello to some people, so I'll catch up with you guys later. Have some food. There's tons of food.

PARIS

That doesn't mean I'm not gonna crack that whip on you too Doyle. (Rory leaves and Lorelai looks after her a bit worried)

LUKE

What's this?

LORELAI

You know they shouldn't be allowed to put just anything into a martini glass. Martinis should go into a martini glass. Gin martinis, vodka martinis, period. That's it.

LUKE

Do you know what this is?

LORELAI

It's raw fish, Luke. Dip it in soy sauce and swallow it real quick. We were gonna drink martinis. The Rat Pack drank martinis. James Bond drank martinis. You know, it's the sweet drinks that really kill you. It's the sugar that give you the hangover and makes you throw up.

LUKE

Yeah, 'cause no one's ever thrown up from a martini before. (puts the sushi in his mouth)

LORELAI

You seen my father?

LUKE

(chewing) Nope.

LORELAI

Wonder where he's hiding.

LUKE

Okay, I got the red piece down.

LORELAI

"Hello, 'page six'? Have I got a scoop for you". (two DAR ladies walk up to them)

VIVIAN

Excuse me, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah?

VIVIAN

Hi, I'm Vivian Lewis, and this is Catherine Thurston Moore. We're friends of Rory's from the DAR.

LORELAI

Oh, friends of Rory's. Wow. I didn't realize she ran with the bad girls. (the ladies laugh)

VIVIAN

We just wanted to tell you we love Rory.

CATHERINE

She introduced us to buffalo wings and jalapeno poppers, and for that we will be eternally grateful.

LUKE

What's the DAR? (the ladies laugh again, Luke looks at Lorelai quizzically, and she smiles) I'm gonna get a beer. Anyone want anything?

LORELAI

I'm good.

LUKE

Okay, I'll be back. (as he walks off inside the camera pans on Paris and Doyle saying their story... again)

PARIS

Last year I was sleeping with the editor.

DOYLE

(after a long pause) Now I am. (their companions laugh)

PARIS

Come in a little quicker next time.

RORY

(at ladies) Oh, excuse me. (at Luke) Hey, little tip: We have beer here.

LUKE

Oh, the magic words. I was just heading over to the bar.

RORY

Have you tried a rory yet?

LUKE

Yes, I have. Not my kind of drink.

RORY

Yeah, mine, either.

LUKE

Lorelai will be glad to hear it. So, you two haven't talked yet.

RORY

Nope, not yet.

LUKE

Well, it was nice of you to invite her here. It means a lot.

RORY

I'm glad she came. I'm glad you both came.

LUKE

Oh, uh, here. I've got something for you. (looks in his pockets, takes out a jewellery gift box and hands it over to her) Birthday present.

RORY

Really?

LUKE

Yeah, I brought it just in case your mother didn't bring one, but she did. It's the one on top of your present mountain over there. But since I already had it in my pocket, I just figured... (Rory opens it and looks at it touched)

RORY

Luke.

LUKE

It was my mother's. Liz can't wear it 'cause her neck's too fat, but your neck looks, you know, not fat. It was sitting around in my drawer, so I thought, "hey, give it to Rory". You know you're lucky 'cause Caesar's birthday is next month and I know he likes pearls, so...

RORY

(chuckles a bit) Thank you.

LUKE

You're welcome. (they hug. A lady - Tweeny - from the group Rory was previously talking to walks over to them)

TWEENY

I saw a jewellery box and I couldn't help myself. What did you get? (Rory shows off her gift) Oh, it's fantastic.

RORY

It's from Luke, my stepfather-to-be. (Luke is pleasantly taken aback)

TWEENY

Well, you have exquisite taste, Luke. I'm Tweeny Halpern.

RORY

Tweeny works with me at the DAR.

LUKE

What's the DAR? (Tweeny laughs) I'm killing with that line tonight.

EMILY

Well, how's the party going so far?

LORELAI

Seems to be a big hit.

EMILY

Where's Luke? I hope he didn't get lost somewhere.

LORELAI

Oh, no, I'm sure he's just sizing up how much silver he can stuff into his pockets without it making too much of a bulge.

EMILY

I was not insinuating that he was a thief.

LORELAI

Ah.

EMILY

I was just making small, polite talk. That's what you do at parties. My commenting on his getting lost was in no way a swipe.

LORELAI

I'm sorry, I forgot. Luke went to get a beer. Take it. (Emily notices Lorelai's ring) Come on, Mom, it's all about timing. You know that. What are you... (realises what Emily is looking at)

EMILY

well, it seems congratulations are in order.

LORELAI

Well, that wasn't exactly congratulations, but, sure, close enough. (Claire comes to Emily)

CLAIRE

Excuse me, Mrs.Gilmore, but we really should cut the cake now.

EMILY

Have you seen Mr.Gilmore yet?

CLAIRE

No, I haven't.

EMILY

Of course not. He's going to sit all night long in that office of his, moping and sulking, missing his granddaughter's birthday party, and he's going to leave me out here all alone to host it. Fine. Come on, Claire. (Emily and Claire walk off, and Lorelai looks with concern towards the house and starts to make her way inside)

LORELAI

Hello? Dad? You're missing a crazy party out there. You know someone forgot to cook the fish? Boy, is Mom gonna be mad.

RICHARD

Go away, Lorelai.

LORELAI

What's wrong, Dad?

RICHARD

You know what's wrong. Rory's wrong. It's all wrong. She's not going back to Yale. It's my fault. (Lorelai sits opposite him)

LORELAI

Rory made a choice, Dad.

RICHARD

I could've stopped her, and I didn't. I cleared the path for her to walk away from her goal, her life.

LORELAI

Dad...

RICHARD

She's having sex, Lorelai. She's having sex under my roof. I paid 40,000 dollars to redecorate her sex house. I bought her her sex mattress, her sex box springs. I provided everything she needs to waste her life.

LORELAI

Dad, Rory having sex is not your fault, really. She was having sex way before the big renovation.

RICHARD

I feel so much better now.

LORELAI

I'm sorry. I-I wasn't trying to...

RICHARD

I made a terrible, terrible mistake.

LORELAI

No, Dad, listen... (Emily walks in rather upset)

EMILY

Richard, you come out of here right now and make an appearance at this party.

RICHARD

I don't give a damn about the party, Emily.

EMILY

What is going on with you? You've been holed up in here for two days. Is it work?

LORELAI

It's Rory.

EMILY

What about Rory?

RICHARD

What do you mean, "What about Rory"? We've lost her.

EMILY

What are you talking about? I got her out of the pool house.

RICHARD

For a day. For two days, and then those rentals go back.

EMILY

Fine, then I'll have the place fumigated. That'll take a week. Then I'll have the place checked for mold. That'll be two weeks. Then I'll find rats. Then there will be carbon monoxide leaks, and pluming issues and if I have to, I'll tear the damn place down. In the meantime, she's here where we can watch her.

RICHARD

That doesn't matter, Emily. We have lost her.

EMILY

No!

RICHARD

We've failed.

EMILY

No! We have not failed. We have not failed until that girl comes home pregnant. Then we've failed!

LORELAI

And on that note... (Lorelai gets up and walks out of the study)

EMILY

Richard, I don't understand what's happening. Everything's been fine except the sex issue.

RICHARD

Everything hasn't been fine. (frustrated gets up and starts pacing) The minute we went against Lorelai, we lost.

EMILY

You're acting like this is my fault. Going against Lorelai was your idea. I was perfectly ready to go ahead with the plan that the three of us devised.

RICHARD

Running around with Logan, joining the DAR, planning parties.

EMILY

What's wrong with joining the DAR? We both agreed she needed a job.

RICHARD

Fund-raisers and tea parties? It's frivolous and meaningless. She has more to do, more to be. I don't want that life for her.

EMILY

(with an upset and a insulted look) You mean my life. You don't want her to be me.

RICHARD

Emily, no. That's not what I meant.

EMILY

We're cutting the cake now. Can't wait anymore. (Emily walks out clearly upset, and Richard is left alone also upset)

LORELAI

So.

RORY

So.

LORELAI

Your drink is disgusting.

RORY

Tell me about it.

LORELAI

Nice party, though.

RORY

Yeah, it's very nice.

LORELAI

You look great.

RORY

You look skinny.

LORELAI

Oh, well, it's the construction diet.

RORY

Construction?

LORELAI

Yeah, we're making the bedroom bigger.

RORY

You and Luke?

LORELAI

No, me and John O'Hurley. Luke doesn't know yet. I hope he takes it okay.

RORY

You guys are gonna live at our house?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Wow. That's nice.

RORY

Oh, well, not much. I got my community service hours down from 300 to 104, so...

LORELAI

God, community should be well-served by now. They should build a statue of you when you're done.

RORY

Well, it's not just one community.

LORELAI

Right, yeah. That makes more sense, I guess. I got a dog.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Stop. He's fine.

RORY

He's alive?

LORELAI

Yes, he's alive, and I'm not discussing that hamster again.

RORY

But you asked Babette to double-check that you feed it in the morning?

LORELAI

That is so not necessary... and yes.

RORY

Wow, a dog. A lot has changed.

LORELAI

A lot, and then not so much, also.

RORY

Did you get your chocolate box? They're by the door.

LORELAI

No, I didn't. I'll get one on the way out.

RORY

They're good. I ate two.

LORELAI

It's a really pretty party. I actually like all the votives and the... (Lorelai is cut off by the "happy birthday song". Lane and Logan come to take Rory closer to the cake. Lorelai is left behind. As everyone is singing Happy Birthday Lorelai watches on sadly. As the song ends Luke walks up to her at looks ate her with concern)

LORELAI

Ready to go?

LUKE

Sure. (they starts to leave)

LUKE

Hey. You can pull link sausages out of me if you want. (Lorelai turns to look at him and smiles)