T7E10: “Merry Fisticuffs”

CHRISTOPHER

I got a meeting in half an hour, so I better run.

LORELAI

Okay, well, have a great day.

CHRISTOPHER

Thanks again for breakfast.

LORELAI

My pleasure.

CHRISTOPHER

You make a hell of a Frittata.

LORELAI

Well it is my specialty what time?

CHRISTOPHER

Around sixish.

LORELAI

Alright I might make a Frittata for dinner.

CHRISTOPHER

Ooh, sounds good.

LORELAI

Have a great day, honey.

CHRISTOPHER

Bye, hon. [Chris walks off, then returns] So what'd you think?

LORELAI

Frittata?

CHRISTOPHER

Felt pretty good, huh?

LORELAI

No, it did. It's homey. Home-ish. Home-like. Margaret, what did you think?

MARGARET

Oh, you seemed like real people in a real house.

LORELAI

Wow. What about the lighting?

MARGARET

Well as you can see there's lots of windows, lots of natural sunlight.

LORELAI

But how do we look?

MARGARET

Excuse me?

LORELAI

In the lighting, how do we look?

MARGARET

Oh, right. At least 10 years younger.

LORELAI

Than...

MARGARET

Hmm?

LORELAI

Well, if you think we're 60 and the lighting makes us look 50, then this room is aging us, and that's not good.

MARGARET

You look 20.

LORELAI

Very good!

MARGARET

This house was originally built in 1790 but obviously has been completely remodeled. All new appliances. Three fireplaces. Proximity to an excellent school district. The large backyard. Great tree-house-building trees.

LORELAI

Ooh, fun.

MARGARET

So I'm gonna make a quick call. Take your time. Look around. Make yourselves at home. Well, I don't have to tell you two that. I’ll be right outside so just holler if you have any questions.

LORELAI

Thank you. We will.

CHRISTOPHER

So...

LORELAI

So?

CHRISTOPHER

I told you it was a really cool house.

LORELAI

It is.

CHRISTOPHER

And that yard?

LORELAI

Oh, love the yard.

CHRISTOPHER

And I know it's not Stars Hollow, but it's a really cool town and bigger. Lots of places to eat and shop.

LORELAI

Three bookstores? I mean this is a well-read community. We might be the dumbest people in town.

CHRISTOPHER

Yep we could be the town dunces. We'll buy caps.

LORELAI

We'll put "the dunces" on our mailbox.

CHRISTOPHER

That mailbox!

LORELAI

What is that, a hollowed-out Birch tree or something?

CHRISTOPHER

And the second-floor bedroom -- that's perfect for Gigi And the third-floor room – with the really cool windows that could be Rory's room.

LORELAI

Honey, I can't imagine a better house.

LORELAI

Big front yard.

CHRISTOPHER

Could be our front yard.

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. [Chris looks at Lorelai] What's with the face?

LORELAI

Face? What face? My face, you don't like my face?

CHRISTOPHER

Lor.

LORELAI

Hmm?

CHRISTOPHER

You want to stay in Stars Hollow.

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

You want to stay in your house. You don't want to move at all.

LORELAI

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay.

LORELAI

Yeah?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah... It's a hell of a mailbox, though.

LORELAI

Sure is.

EMILY

You're here.

LORELAI

I'm here!

EMILY

You're 37 minutes late, but you're here.

LORELAI

Uh, traffic.

EMILY

It's Sunday morning Lorelai. The roads are empty.

LORELAI

Well let me finish, mom. Traffic cones everywhere. I mean you wouldn’t believe it's like a crazy obstacle course out there. It's a miracle I survived. Maybe we should do this another day when I'm less stressed from the traffic-cone dodging.

EMILY

I have the most exciting news.

LORELAI

You're canceling my wedding party?

EMILY

I got Randall Farber as your party planner.

LORELAI

And he's canceling my wedding party?

EMILY

He spent the last 15 years as designer-in-residence at the Connecticut opera house.

LORELAI

Boss.

EMILY

This is a real coup, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well...

EMILY

Your father and I have been fans of his work for years, and he's only just begun designing parties. Two months ago we went to Abigail Hirschfeld's granddaughter's bat mitzvah,

LORELAI

Mm-hmm

EMILY

And it was the most spectacular event. The whole decor was inspired by Britten's "a midsummer night's dream." I swear I felt like I was in an enchanted forest the entire night, except for the children running around with braces. Randall, this is my daughter, Lorelai. Lorelai, Randall Farber.

LORELAI

Hello.

RANDALL

Ah, the star of our show.

LORELAI

Oh, well...

EMILY

I apologize for her tardiness. It's rather habitual.

RANDALL

Oh, stop. You're talking to an opera man. I've worked with Renée Fleming. The personality of a pit bull, that one, but all is forgiven when she sings, am I right.

LORELAI

Well, heads-up, I'm not much of an outside-the-shower singer.

EMILY

I hope you realize how lucky you are to have Randall, Lorelai. He's a genius.

RANDALL

Oh, stop. [Leading them into the dining room] Shall we?

LORELAI

Please.

RANDALL

Well the first order of business is deciding on a theme around which I can design the evening.

LORELAI

How about "man's inhumanity to man"? It always worked well for my term papers in high school.

EMILY

Why don't you show us what you're thinking?

RANDALL

Well I've done a few mock-up tables. Just tell me which one jumps out at you.

LORELAI

Um, they all jump out at me. Kind of aggressively.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well I just don't want it to be a big production, mom. It's just a party.

RANDALL

My dear, every party's a production. If it's a lousy production, it's a lousy party and everyone leaves by 8:30.

LORELAI

What about that as a theme? "Everyone leaves by 8:30."

EMILY

Tell me about this one.

KIRK

You’ve got you stocking plaid, your festive ornament collage your snowman trio, your Peekaboo Santa.

MISS PATTY

Well it's lovely, Kirk, but I already bought my wrapping paper from the kids from the Stars Hollow middle school.

KIRK

Well, then, you got ripped off.

MISS PATTY

What?

KIRK

Those kids are gouging you. I'm selling the same wrapping paper for 20% less.

LUKE

Aren't the kids selling the wrapping paper to help raise money for a new gymnasium?

KIRK

Yeah.

LUKE

Well, why are you?

KIRK

To raise money for myself. I'm not a school, Luke. No one's raising money for me. I saw the opportunity to enter the market at a lower price point and I took it.

MISS PATTY

Ho, ho, ho.

KIRK

What schoolchildren are the only ones allowed to sell wrapping paper? It's a free country. [A kid comes into the diner] Hey, Jacob! Beat it. This is my territory.

JACOB

Fathead.

KIRK

Yeah, keep walking.

LIZ

Look who's here.

MISS PATTY

Oh, my god!

LIZ

She's precious.

MISS PATTY

Oh, those eyes, that skin -- she's gorgeous.

LIZ

That's what everyone says.

LUKE

Hey, Liz.

LIZ

Hi, Luke.

LUKE

Oh, she's bigger.

LIZ

11 pounds, 4 ounces.

LUKE

Oh she looks great.

LIZ

I know. She's really strong, too. She can practically hold her head up. Most kids don't do that until they're two months.

LUKE

Really

LIZ

Yeah.

LUKE

Come on over and sit down.

LIZ

Oh, sure. [They move to the counter] Oh he's really strong to she takes after T.J., he’s really strong you know. We've been watching "Survivor" sometimes, you know, and he does the challenges, you know like standing on one leg or dragging the sandbags around, and he lasts longer than the guys on the show.

LUKE

Wow.

KIRK

You know, baby's first Christmas is approaching. Have you given thought to what baby's first Christmas gift will be wrapped in?

LIZ

No.

KIRK

I have baby Santa, cuddly reindeers, Frosty's world...

LUKE

Kirk.

KIRK

Yeah, okay. [He leaves]

LIZ

So is April excited about being a cousin?

LUKE

Yeah. I showed her the pictures you sent. She's gonna frame the one of her in the orange jumper.

LIZ

Oh, that is such a good one! [Laughter] She looks like a little creamsicle.

LUKE

[Laughs]

LIZ

She's very photogenic, huh?

LUKE

Yeah.

LIZ

And how are things with Anna?

LUKE

Yeah we're trading calls. It'll work out. I mean, I've calmed down a little since the fight. It'll all work itself out.

LIZ

I'm sure.

LUKE

Actually, I made a list. Okay I think it's pretty reasonable. Alright I was thinking I could have April either Thanksgiving or Christmas -- Anna can choose. One month of the summer. And I think I would like April to come to Stars Hollow one weekend every other month. In between, I can travel to New Mexico. I mean that sounds fair, right?

LIZ

Very reasonable. But I definitely think you need to get a lawyer.

LUKE

No lawyers. Anna and I are gonna work this out on our own.

LIZ

That's what you think now, big brother, but trust me -- custody issues are tough.

LUKE

Well, I don't like lawyers.

LIZ

Well, nobody does. Wait. She's staring at you. She is! She's staring at you, and she's falling asleep. Great. I'm gonna leave her with you, and I'll be back in an hour.

LUKE

What?

LIZ

Oh, I'm going crazy. I just need a minute to myself.

LUKE

Liz...

LIZ

She's been attached to my boob for two weeks, and T.J.'s decided to finally get a "work ethic."

LUKE

You can't just leave her here. I can’t watch her.

LIZ

I fed her. She'll be fine. She'll sleep the whole time.

LUKE

[now panicking a little] Wait, Liz...

LIZ

I'll be back in an hour, maybe an hour and a half.

RANDALL

So why don't we take our inspiration from the world of "la bohme," fin de sicle Paris? A little birdie told me you had quite the romantic Parisian adventure.

EMILY

Tweet, tweet.

RANDALL

I must confess -- this is my personal favorite. I must admit I have a soft spot, for it was while I was doing "la bohme" at the staatsoper in Vienna that I met the incomparable Franco Zeffirelli, whose meticulous attention to detail has been a yardstick for which I measure all my work.

EMILY

Your details are simply astounding, Randall.

LORELAI

What about instead of "la bohme," we took our inspiration from "rent" -- east village, 1985, rickety tables, chipped glassware... [Cell phone rings]

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Excuse me. [Answers her cell phone] Hello?

RORY

How goes the party planning?

LORELAI

What? What happened?

RORY

That good, huh?

LORELAI

Is he okay?

RORY

I'm not participating in this.

LORELAI

Oh, my god. What can I do? What do you need?

RORY

You're not using this call to get out of party-planning hell.

LORELAI

Oh, I'll be right there.

RORY

Mom!

EMILY

I can hear Rory on the other end, Lorelai. You're not as clever as you think you are.

LORELAI

[Too Rory] You rat. [Holds up the phone]

RORY

Hi, grandma.

EMILY

Hello, Rory. [too Randall] That's my granddaughter, Rory. Delightful girl. She's a senior at Yale.

RANDALL

Fantastic theater program -- Meryl, Jodie.

LORELAI

[Back on the phone] Uh, I thought we had a deal.

RORY

We had no deal.

LORELAI

No, a deal for life. You've got my back. I've got yours.

RORY

I plan on having a good time at your wedding party. More importantly, I plan on making sure you have a good time at your wedding party. Therefore, it's important you be involved in the planning, of you wedding party so in the big picture, I do very much have your back.

LORELAI

Yeah, whatever.

RORY

Okay. Bad news. I'm afraid I have to bail on you and dad for dinner tonight.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Logan?

RORY

Yeah, he's coming to stay with me for a couple days. He's been so busy with the start up, I've hardly gotten to see him lately.

LORELAI

Okay can't see you through the phone, but I'm pouting.

RORY

I'll make it up to you.

LORELAI

Hey is he coming to the party? I’m trying to pad the guest list if he's coming, I'm in the double digits.

RORY

He'll be there.

LORELAI

Awesome.

RORY

So okay, I'll call you later, okay?

LORELAI

The stairs are rickety, and you think you might fall down them?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

The pool is empty, and you've hit your head?

RORY

Goodbye.

LORELAI

Okay, bye.

EMILY

Lorelai, come look at these invitations.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Can we just send an Evite?... No? Okay.

LORELAI

Two hours we spent picking out invitations. Two hours.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow.

LORELAI

Not counting the one hour we spent picking out the calligraphy -- for a party.

CHRISTOPHER

This is gonna be some shindig.

LORELAI

"Would you like the brown card with the cream-colored detail and the parchment insert, or would you like the cream-colored card with the silk lining and the clear paper insert?" How about I'd like some cyanide and a 30-story building to jump off of?

CHRISTOPHER

Ah no, we said one sugar cereal.

LORELAI

You're gonna deny me the captain?

CHRISTOPHER

We've got a whole box of Froot Loops at home.

LORELAI

[pouting] In my fragile state you're gonna deny me peanut butter Cap'n crunch?

CHRISTOPHER

It rips your gums...

LORELAI

In a delightful, sugary way. Look it's got 5% real peanut-butter- flavored chemicals.

CHRISTOPHER

No.

LORELAI

Oh, fine. Corn flakes.

CHRISTOPHER

Which one do we get again?

LORELAI

Avoid the words "made with real vegetables." I cannot take another day of Emily and Randall, and I have nine more days of it. That's nine more days than I can take.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, you're doing great.

LORELAI

I'm not doing great. I'm going nuts. Tomorrow we have the food-and-wine tasting at the Mildred Manor ballroom.

CHRISTOPHER

At least you get to drink your way through it.

LORELAI

No. Fancy people make you spit out the wine. That's what fancy people do. But not me. I'm gonna drink them under the ballroom.

CHRISTOPHER

What time's the tasting?

LORELAI

3:30 till the end of never.

CHRISTOPHER

Well I've got a meeting in Hartford at 2:00, but I can meet you there afterward.

LORELAI

Really?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes.

LORELAI

Honey, that would be so great. I will never eat peanut butter Cap'n crunch again. Yes, I will. That's a lie. But together, we can defeat them.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey this is serious I don't want to get the wrong-colored deck mint parchment insert. The guys at the gym would never let me live it down.

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

Well we got everything?

LORELAI

Yeah, we're good. Oh, no.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

Bonnie.

CHRISTOPHER

Who?

LORELAI

Taylor's niece, Bonnie, working the register. She couldn't be slower or care less about her job.

CHRISTOPHER

I thought life in a small town was supposed to be leisurely.

LORELAI

There's leisurely, and then there's Bonnie. [Sighs] We're never gonna get out of here.

CHRISTOPHER

Go wait outside.

LORELAI

Really?

CHRISTOPHER

Go.

LORELAI

[Clicks tongue] Honey, buy me Tic Tacs. Hi, bonnie.

BONNIE

What's up, Lorelai?

LORELAI

That's cabbage, hon.

BONNIE

Um... I'm gonna need a void here.

LORELAI

[Noticing Luke] Hi.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

Who's -- who's this?

LUKE

That's Liz's baby.

LORELAI

Oh, wow. Congratulations. You're an uncle again, huh?

LUKE

Yeah, thanks.

LORELAI

Oh. Well, she's cute. She looks just like T.J.

LUKE

Hopefully she will grow out of that.

LORELAI

She's adorable. She's sweet. So what's her name?

LUKE

Doula.

LORELAI

What?

LUKE

Doula.

LORELAI

Oh, is that...

LUKE

A weird name.

LORELAI

Weird name. A little bit. But, no, it's special. It's one-of-a-kind, distinctive. Can I?

LUKE

Oh, sure, of course.

LORELAI

[Leans in and pick up Doula] Hi. Hi, bubby. Hi. Oh, precious. How old is she? Two weeks?

LUKE

11 days.

LORELAI

Oh, wow. And how's Liz?

LUKE

Oh, they're great. They're both doing great. They're gonna make very strange parents but you know good ones, I know.

LORELAI

Nothing wrong with a strange but loving household.

LUKE

Yeah, I guess.

LORELAI

Look at her long fingers.

LUKE

Yeah, I noticed that, too.

LORELAI

What are you gonna be -- a pianist when you grow up? Is that what you're gonna be, pretty girl? Or a pickpocket. Well, yes, you might. You might be a pickpocketing pianist.

LUKE

Oh, look what she did.

LUKE

[Laughs]

LORELAI

Pretty.

LUKE

She's trying to take my finger.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey. Look. It's Liz's new baby.

CHRISTOPHER

Cute.

LORELAI

Yeah. Well, thanks, um, for letting me..

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

Hold her. And tell Liz congratulations for me, okay?

LUKE

Will do.

LORELAI

Alright see you.

LUKE

See you.

LORELAI

Want me to...

CHRISTOPHER

I got it.

LORELAI

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

[Too lorelai] Looks good on you...

LORELAI

We don't have to eat here.

RORY

Oh, yes, we do. You're on my turf now.

LOGAN

Your turf?

RORY

My turf.

LOGAN

You know, I did go to school here.

RORY

Yeah, you graduated from Yale. You can eat from their cafeteria at least once.

LOGAN

I stopped by for the occasional bowl of cereal.

RORY

Yeah cereal does not count. Okay you need to get something hot, mushy, and meaty.

LOGAN

You're not making it sound too appetizing.

RORY

Oh, it's not. I have an extra family pass from parents' weekend.

LOGAN

Oh, so when your parents came, they got to eat real food?

RORY

Mm-hmm I'm gonna tell them that you're my brother and that you're gonna get your meal comped.

LOGAN

I don't mind paying for my mushy meat.

RORY

No, that's not the issue. I mean I know how to work the system.

LOGAN

Oh, you do.

RORY

Yeah, you know me -- I can be crafty.

LOGAN

You can make a necklace out of macaroni, but this is high-stakes deception.

RORY

What's my middle name? Rory "high-stakes deception" Gilmore.

DENNIS

Card.

RORY

There you go. And this is my family pass for my brother here.

BRANDON

Logan! What's up, brother? What they hell are you doing here, I thought you moved to London to run the world or something.

LOGAN

Just back for a visit.

RORY

My brother went here, too.

BRANDON

Is this your girlfriend, Rory?

LOGAN

I don't know. Is it?

RORY

[Too Dennis] Um I'm a terrible liar.

DENNIS

Ah-ha

LOGAN

Apparently so.

RORY

So hi. I'm Rory.

BRANDON

Brandon. Nice to meet you.

RORY

You too. So, Dennis, how much is a lunch pass?

DENNIS

$9.75.

LOGAN

So you're still with Nicole?

BRANDON

Yeah, till I die or she kills me.

LOGAN

Well, give her my best.

BRANDON

Will do, buddy. Good to see you, Logan.

LOGAN

You too.

BRANDON

Nice to meet you, Rory.

RORY

You too. Bye.

LOGAN

[Too Rory] Smooth.

RORY

Shut up.

LOGAN

Way to work the system.

RORY

You totally left me hanging there.

LOGAN

What could I do? You were working the system. In fact, you were working the system so well, I think the system needs a day off.

RORY

I'll have the chicken, and he'll have the meat loaf with extra gravy.

LOGAN

Nice.

RORY

Mm-hmm. Oh, hey, there's Lucy. Lucy!

LUCY

Hi! You must be Rory's imaginary boyfriend, Logan.

LOGAN

Hi, Lucy.

LUCY

Hi. I would give you a proper hug, but my pockets are full of apple jacks. I have art history in a few minutes, and my professor sounds like Garrison Keillor on Quaaludes, so I need a constant intake of sugar just to stay awake.

LOGAN

I was just treating Logan to his first Branford dining hall meat loaf.

LUCY

Oh, you're in for a treat and a stomachache.

LOGAN

I can tell.

LUCY

So congratulations on buying the Internet or something.

LOGAN

Thank you, although al gore and I are still negotiating so it‘s not a done deal yet.

RORY

It's too bad that you have class. You could have eaten with us.

LUCY

Sad. Hey, why don't we have dinner? I have a lecture tonight, but what about tomorrow night?

RORY

Sure.

LOGAN

Sounds good.

LUCY

Fun! We'll have to go to Panchali's. It's this new Indian restaurant right off campus. It’s awesome and I swear no matter how much food you order, you cannot spend more than 7 bucks.

LOGAN

Sounds like stomachache number two.

RORY

Huh-huh

MARTY

[Entering the room] Hey, babe. Come on.

LUCY

Boyfriend! [Marty is surprised to see Logan and Rory, Lucy waves him over] Boyfriend, this is Rory's imaginary boyfriend, Logan.

LOGAN

I know Marty. How you doing, man?

MARTY

Hey.

LUCY

How do you two know each other?

MARTY

Oh we met when I was bartending one of Logan's parties.

LUCY

What a coinkydink.

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

More than one, he did a couple blowouts for me, and if I'm not mistaken, at the last one, cops were called.

MARTY

That sounds familiar.

LUCY

You know, you probably met Marty, too, and you just didn't even know it.

MARTY

We should go. I need to stop by the library before class.

LUCY

Right. Okay, bye, guys. We will see you tomorrow for Basmati and Vindaloo.

RORY

Okay. Bye.

LOGAN

Later.

RORY

Okay. Come on. [They go over to a table and sit] Is this okay?

LOGAN

Fine. So what's with the whole "you must have met Marty"?

RORY

Oh, I meant to tell you.

LOGAN

Tell me what?

RORY

It's kind of embarrassing. It's so juvenile and lame. It's like high school -- not even high school. It's junior high.

LOGAN

I'm listening.

RORY

Well, I've been hanging out with Lucy and Olivia and I keep hearing about Lucy's boyfriend, and they never actually said his name. And then when I finally met him, it was Marty. And before I could even say anything, he just pretended like we've never met. And I just didn't know what to do, so I went along with it, but now Lucy still doesn't know that we know each other. It's just kind of weird and awkward. And did I mention juvenile?

LOGAN

Why did you go along with it?

RORY

I don't know. It just happened so fast. I was caught off guard.

LOGAN

So why would he pretend not to know you?

RORY

I don't know. I mean, maybe because he used to like me, and maybe he still does a little. But that's stupid, because he's with Lucy now, and she's amazing. They’re great together and it's all so annoying. I mean they don't call people by name. They don’t call anyone by name, French-fry guy -- I don't know who that is. That could be you.

LOGAN

So what happened?

RORY

What do you mean?

LOGAN

Well he must have said or done something right to make you think he's still into you.

RORY

I don't know. He said I was beautiful. To me, he said it.

LOGAN

Well can't blame the guy for that. You are beautiful.

RORY

The way he said it.

LOGAN

Right.

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

So what? You guys have been hanging out?

RORY

No. No, I mean, just when he's around with Lucy.

LOGAN

So you have been hanging out.

RORY

Just with Lucy.

LOGAN

So why the secrecy?

RORY

I told you, I was caught off guard.

LOGAN

No, with me. Why did you never mention that you and Marty were hanging out again?

RORY

Oh I just didn't think it mattered.

LOGAN

Well you're not the secret-keeping type. Of course that is before I knew you were Rory "high-stakes deception" Gilmore.

RORY

No, it wasn't a secret. I mean, I didn't tell you. That's it. I swear. I mean I didn't not tell you. I just didn't think there was anything to tell.

LOGAN

Well, you have to tell Lucy.

RORY

I know. I will. Just I need to figure out the right time and way to do it. I just don't want to screw anything up.

LOGAN

A little brotherly advice -- tell her sooner rather than later.

RORY

Yeah, I will. I'll figure something out. We don't have to go to dinner with them though. I can cancel that.

LOGAN

No, it's fine. We can go to dinner. Unless there's something on your end.

RORY

No. Logan, god, no.

LOGAN

Good. Then let's go to dinner.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

Really, they charge 10 bucks for this?

RORY

Hum

CHRISTOPHER

Let's make a baby.

LORELAI

What do you mean?

CHRISTOPHER

Seriously.

LORELAI

Christopher.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

What are you talking about?

CHRISTOPHER

Why not?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Why not?

LORELAI

Because we haven't talked about it at all -- ever.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, well, let's talk about it.

LORELAI

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

You want another kid, don't you?

LORELAI

Oh, god. Uh, I don't know. I, um... sure, maybe.

CHRISTOPHER

Me too. And, you know, last one turned out pretty good, so...

LORELAI

Last one didn't turn out pretty good. Last one came out and a lot of work went into getting her to pretty good.

CHRISTOPHER

You're right. You're right. I'm -- I'm sorry.

LORELAI

It's okay.

CHRISTOPHER

No, you're right. You're absolutely right. But, um, it's different now. We're adults. We're married. It'd be easier.

LORELAI

Yeah. I guess. I don't know. I think... I want... another... kid.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, well, we're on the same page. Let's go for it.

LORELAI

[Chris starts to kiss Lorelai] Honey... Chris... honey... seriously -- seriously, I don't want to go for it right now.

CHRISTOPHER

Why not?

LORELAI

Why not? We just got married. I mean, Gigi's not even back from France.

CHRISTOPHER

So you don't want to because of Gigi?

LORELAI

No, I mean, it's not because of Gigi

CHRISTOPHER

Because financially, we're good. We're set. We could have a thousand kids, feed them, send them to Harvard undergrad, law school.

LORELAI

No, I know.

CHRISTOPHER

Do you not think we'll work?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Because if that's what you're thinking, I mean it's a little late.

LORELAI

Oh, my god, no. That's not what I'm thinking. That's not what I'm thinking at all.

CHRISTOPHER

What are you thinking?

LORELAI

I just -- what is this? What is the rush? Why right now? [Chris exhales like he doesn’t believe Lorelai.] Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. No, it's fine.

LORELAI

Honey...

CHRISTOPHER

No, you're right. We should we should wait. We should. You're right.

LUKE

Cesar, what time you got?

CAESAR

10 after 2:00.

LUKE

As soon as April gets here, we're gonna have to run, 'cause we're gonna miss the movie.

CAESAR

I'm feeling you.

LUKE

Stop feeling me.

KIRK

So business has been going like gangbusters.

LUKE

Congratulations.

KIRK

Yeah, I'm destroying those Stars Hollow middle school kids. Destroying -- outselling them by three or four times. I think it’s safe to say they won't be getting their new gym anytime soon.

LUKE

You must be very proud.

KIRK

I am. Sure there's been an increase in prank phone calls, but so what? I can answer the phone all day long.

LUKE

I’m sure.

KIRK

And so they've ordered pizzas to my house day and night. You know what? I love pizza. Bring it on. They think they're intimidating me, but I'm not scared.

LUKE

12-year-olds don't scare you.

KIRK

Not at all.

JACOB

Kirk!

KIRK

I thought I told you to get lost.

JACOB

We want to talk.

KIRK

So talk.

JACOB

Not here. Outside.

KIRK

All right. Let's go. [Luke picks up his pack of wrapping paper] But I'm warning you -- if it gets physical, I will show no mercy.

ANNA

Hello?

LUKE

Hey, Anna, it's Luke.

ANNA

Yeah.

LUKE

Yeah I was just wondering if April took off. She's not here yet, and she's never late. I'm just getting a little worried.

ANNA

April's fine.

LUKE

Is she on her way?

ANNA

No, she's not coming.

LUKE

What does that mean?

ANNA

Luke, you can't just come to my house, threaten me, and then expect me to send April off to see you.

LUKE

Look, things got a little heated the other night.

ANNA

Yes they certainly did, and I'm not comfortable with April being with you right now.

LUKE

Anna, wait...

ANNA

No, Luke, I won't, because this is my decision. Goodbye.

RANDALL

So we moved away from a literal theme as per our star's request.

LORELAI

Star -- that's me.

CHRISTOPHER

[sounding a little annoyed] Yeah, I got it.

RANDALL

But we did manage to squeeze some favorite colors out of her, didn’t we.

LORELAI

Yellow, like my sunny disposition.

RANDALL

Eh, eh, eh. Not yellow. Buttercup and buttercream.

LORELAI

Do you like buttercream and buttermilk, honey or would you like a nondairy color?

RANDALL

Please say you like them.

CHRISTOPHER

It's fine.

RANDALL

So of course this area will be for the tables, as discussed. The orchestra -- excuse me -- band will be over there. And obviously, the dance floor is right here.

LORELAI

Actually, I'm morally opposed to dancing, so that's not gonna work for me.

CHRISTOPHER

She's just kidding.

LORELAI

[Giggles]

RANDALL

Aha.

EMILY

I'm so glad you're here. Maybe you can help keep Lorelai's snarkiness in check.

CHRISTOPHER

Let's see what he's got planned.

RANDALL

So we still have to decide on the score. Have you made a list of your favorite music?

LORELAI

No list necessary. It's going to be Burt Bacharach and nothing but.

RANDALL

Really?

CHRISTOPHER

We'll make a list.

RANDALL

Wonderful.

LORELAI

[Too Chris] Hey, you okay?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah. I'm fine.

RANDALL

Now, for the fish course, I believe we have either a Pouilly Fuissé or a Muscat, if you go with the salmon, and I do think you should go with the salmon.

EMILY

Agreed. Now, as far as the vows go...

LORELAI

[Coughs] I'm sorry. The vows?

EMILY

Wedding vows.

LORELAI

Ah what are you talking about?

EMILY

They can be traditional, or you can write your own, which seems to be the style now day, although if you ask me it's rather garish. Cecily Pendelem's daughter actually promised to cook her husband lasagna once a month. Who wants to hear the word "lasagna" at a wedding?

LORELAI

Well you make a good point but this is not a wedding. It's just a party.

EMILY

A party to celebrate a marriage, which is why a simple exchange of vows is entirely appropriate.

LORELAI

Mom, we agreed to a party, okay? Just a party.

EMILY

A wedding is a party.

LORELAI

Yes, but we are already married.

EMILY

Yes, and no one got to witness it. Did it ever occur to you that your father and I might like to see our only child get married?

LORELAI

[Begging voice] Christopher?

CHRISTOPHER

I don't think it's such a bad idea.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Might be kind of nice.

LORELAI

Wait a minute. Is this an ambush and you guys ambushing me?

EMILY

No one is ambushing you, Lorelai. The idea of your exchanging vows in front of all your family and friends isn't so outrageous.

LORELAI

Mom, the whole reason we eloped is to avoid the wedding thing.

CHRISTOPHER

Ah now that’s not the reason we eloped, we eloped because we love each other and we wanted to get married.

LORELAI

Well you know what I mean.

CHRISTOPHER

No, I don't.

LORELAI

Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

What is the big deal?

LORELAI

The big deal is I don't want to do it and we're already married.

CHRISTOPHER

So that's it.

LORELAI

Well...

CHRISTOPHER

I don't even know why I'm here. It's not like my opinion really matters.

LORELAI

Of course it does.

CHRISTOPHER

You're gonna do what you want to do. House, wedding, kids -- it's all your call, right?

EMILY

Are you talking about having more children?

LORELAI

Thank you.

EMILY

Wait! Are you pregnant?

LORELAI

No.

CHRISTOPHER

That’s nice.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

You don't have to act like it's the most horrible thing in the world.

LORELAI

Can we not talk about this now?

CHRISTOPHER

Why you don't want to be spur-of-the-moment? Lets discuss things.

EMILY

Randall perhaps we should give them some privacy.

RANDALL

Of course.

LORELAI

What is wrong with you?

CHRISTOPHER

What's wrong with you?

LORELAI

You're airing all our business in front of my mother of all people.

CHRISTOPHER

What is your problem with a wedding?

LORELAI

We're already married.

CHRISTOPHER

Exactly, so what's the big deal? You planned a huge wedding with that diner guy.

LORELAI

[mocking voice] "That diner guy"?

CHRISTOPHER

I’m sorry should I be more respectful to the guy who punched me in the face?

LORELAI

Is that what this is about?

CHRISTOPHER

No, this is about us. At least that's what I thought, but apparently it's just about you.

LORELAI

What is that supposed to mean?

CHRISTOPHER

You know what? I'm going back to work.

LORELAI

No, no. Christopher, hey.

LAWYER

So you want to sue for custody.

LUKE

No, I don't want to sue her. I just want... [gets a note from his pocket] this or something like this.

LAWYER

You want partial custody.

LUKE

Is that what that is?

LAWYER

Yeah.

LUKE

Yeah, fine. Then I want partial custody.

LAWYER

Then you have to sue for it.

LUKE

Really?

LAWYER

Really. But you're not gonna get this.

LUKE

Why not?

LAWYER

From everything you've just told me, this is a best-case scenario, and I'm not really in the best-case-scenario business.

LUKE

What does that mean?

LAWYER

It means you haven't been in April's life for the past 12 years.

LUKE

But that wasn't my fault. I didn't know she existed.

LAWYER

Doesn't matter.

LUKE

How can it not matter?

LAWYER

Because she has a history with her mother. This is not about what you want, Luke. This is not about what Anna wants. The court only cares what's best for April, and in these types of cases, they almost always side with the mother.

LUKE

So what can I do?

LAWYER

You can fight. You can make your case.

LUKE

Okay.

LAWYER

Okay. What about Anna's history?

LUKE

Anna's?

LAWYER

Any police records? Incidents?

LUKE

Uh, no.

LAWYER

Erratic behavior? Drugs? Alcohol?

LUKE

I don't think so.

LAWYER

So you don't know. Well we'll look into it. What about you?

LUKE

Hmm?

LAWYER

Any record?

LUKE

No. Well, yes, actually. I beat up this guy's car this -- this one time. It was no big deal.

LAWYER

Did you attend anger-management classes?

LUKE

No.

LAWYER

Would you be willing to?

LUKE

I don't need to.

LAWYER

You might.

LUKE

Look... I don't want this to get ugly. I just want what's fair.

LAWYER

Custody battles get ugly, Luke, and they're not about what's fair. The truth is this will be long, it will be expensive, it will be unpleasant, and you'll probably lose. But if you want your daughter, it's the only way. And time is of the essence here, because once Anna moves April out of state, it becomes infinitely more complicated.

LUCY

So I beg and plead with him, he says he’ll try and come but I'm afraid he won't, and I just can't wait any longer. So I take the ticket, and I go running off. I run all the way back to the theater. When I get there, I burst through the doors. There's sweat pouring off of me and I'm gasping for breath.

LOGAN

And everybody's gone?

LUCY

No, the director is still there.

LOGAN

No!

LUCY

I know, right.

MARTY

[Too Rory] Can you pass the Raita?

RORY

Sure.

LUCY

So I say to him, "you have to let me audition." And he says, "you can't audition, because the auditions are over." And I say, "the auditions can't be over, because I haven't auditioned yet." And he says, "you're two hours too late." And I say, "that's because I was in a traffic accident, and I have the cop to prove it." Just as I'm about to say, "and he'll be here any minute," and, you know, not really believing it, officer Frick comes waltzing through the door.

LOGAN

No!

LUCY

Like Fred Astaire.

LOGAN

Officer Frick came through.

LUCY

Officer Frick came through.

LOGAN

So you got the part?

LUCY

Oh, no. I was totally wrong for it. But officer Frick introduced me to his nephew Drew, and we went out a few times, so that was cool.

LOGAN

Lucy, hands down that is the best "dedicated to my craft" story I’ve ever heard.

LUCY

Why, thank you.

LOGAN

Hard-working and beautiful -- she's something special. You got yourself a good one here, Marty.

MARTY

Thanks.

LUCY

Oh Rory's got way better stories than I do.

LOGAN

Did she ever tell you about the time she drove out to her English lit professor's house in Albany to replace the last page of her final?

RORY

Well it was in the wrong font, and I got an "A" on that paper.

LOGAN

Wasn't that the professor who had a crush on you?

LUCY

Hey! Are you saying that she didn't deserve the "A"?

LOGAN

I'm just saying the woman is the object of many strange crushes.

RORY

Oh, that's not true.

LOGAN

The oddball who works at Baskin-Robbins? She can't walk within a block of the place without the guy running out with a triple scoop of mint chocolate chip.

RORY

So not true.

LUCY

[Laughs] Hey, she's something special.

RORY

Hey you know I put four pages of endnotes on that final. I deserved that "A."

LOGAN

I'm not saying you're not dedicated to your schoolwork. You’re the hardest worker I know, see I was always about doing just enough, or maybe a little less.

LUCY

Well, look at you now, Mr. Slaving away.

LOGAN

It's true. My rep is ruined.

LUCY

Boyfriend works insanely hard.

LOGAN

Is that true, Marty?

MARTY

I just have a couple jobs.

LUCY

Four! The man has four jobs. And a full class load. It's nuts! Right, Rory?

RORY

It does seem a bit excessive.

MARTY

It's not four.

LUCY

Four. Rory?

RORY

I think so.

LUCY

Finnegan's, the bookstore, tutoring, and landscaping.

MARTY

The landscaping is seasonal. I haven't done that for months.

LUCY

But you will, and that will be four.

LOGAN

That's a lot of jobs, my boy.

MARTY

Hey, I'm just waiting for that trust fund to kick in. [Rory’s napkin falls on the floor] I got it. There.

RORY

Thanks.

LOGAN

So how did you two meet?

LUCY

Tell him.

MARTY

What?

LUCY

Tell him!

MARTY

Why?

LUCY

He stalked me.

LOGAN

That's charming.

LUCY

I was playing Portia in "The Merchant of Venice" at the rep, and every night, I see this guy in the front row -- same seat, same intense gaze. And after the fifth show, I went up to him and I said, "next time I see you, you better bring flowers or have a knife and stab me." And...

MARTY

The next time I saw her, I had daisies and a butter knife.

LUCY

[Laughs]

LOGAN

Sweet.

LUCY

I can't believe I don't even know this. How did you two meet?

LOGAN

Actually, Marty introduced us.

LUCY

What?

LOGAN

I'm sorry. I can't be a part of this.

LUCY

A part of what?

RORY

Logan.

LOGAN

They've known each other since freshman year.

LUCY

I don't understand.

LOGAN

Rory and Marty, they used to hang out all the time at Branford and watch "Duck Soup."

LUCY

What are you talking about? W-what is he talking about?

MARTY

Lucy...

LUCY

You guys know each other?

RORY

Yes.

MARTY

It was freshman year. It's no big deal.

LUCY

You've been keeping this from me? Why? I-I don't understand. You guys are friends? You know each other?

RORY

I'm sorry, Lucy.

MARTY

We just didn't think...

LUCY

So you both have been lying to me about this? I don't understand. Why? For what?

MARTY

I don't know.

LUCY

Oh, my god. This is so messed up. I have to go.

MARTY

Lucy... [Followers her out]

RORY

What is wrong with you?

LOGAN

I was asked a direct question. I'm not gonna lie. She's a nice girl.

RORY

Yeah, I know she's a nice girl. She's my friend.

LOGAN

You were gonna tell her anyway.

RORY

Not here. Not like this. You totally humiliated her.

LOGAN

Lucy's humiliated because of what you and Marty did to her, not me. I told her the truth, which is something she could use more of from her supposed friend and her boyfriend.

RORY

I can't believe you're trying to justify this. What you did was so obnoxious.

LOGAN

I was just being honest. I'm just gonna head back into the city tonight. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow.

RORY

Fine.

LORELAI

[Goes to the phone] Ooh. [Answers the phone] Hi. 143.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I want to talk to you, but I'm gonna lose count, so remember 143.

RORY

143 what?

LORELAI

Soaps.

RORY

What are you doing?

LORELAI

Inventory.

RORY

At the inn?

LORELAI

No, at the pentagon. I'm tracking soaps and nuclear missiles for general Abizaid.

RORY

Isn't it a little late?

LORELAI

The general's a slave driver.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Well it had to get done at some point, so I thought I'd do it at this point. I count better at night.

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

So what's going on? I thought it was an all-Logan week.

RORY

It was.

LORELAI

Was?

RORY

Boys suck.

LORELAI

Oh, hon.

RORY

They totally suck.

LORELAI

Sometimes they do.

RORY

Tell me it gets better when they get older.

LORELAI

It gets better when they get older.

RORY

It does?

LORELAI

Well, it gets more confusing, more complicated, and more complex. Does any of that sound better?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

So what happened?

RORY

It was awful. We went to dinner with Lucy and Marty, and I told him everything beforehand -- about how Marty pretended that we didn't know each other and I just had to go with it.

LORELAI

Uh-oh.

RORY

Yeah. So right in the middle of dinner, he decides that he can't lie to Lucy, and he tells her Marty and I have known each other since freshman year.

LORELAI

Yikes!

RORY

I know. Who does that, right? Right in the middle of dinner. He has no reason to be jealous. I mean, he knows that I love him.

LORELAI

Of course he does.

RORY

So why would he do it?

LORELAI

I have no idea. Mars and Venus, you know?

RORY

Yeah, see, I don't think that's right. Because Mars and Venus are both planets, right? So they have something in common. I think it's more like Mars and a bowl of soup.

LORELAI

Venus and a bowl of soup.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Venus is the woman. Venus and a bowl of soup.

RORY

Really, mom?

LORELAI

Well, I'm just saying. So um, how's Lucy?

RORY

I don't know. Not good. She ran out. And I've been trying to call her, but she won't answer her phone. I don’t blame her I mean wouldn't want to talk to me right now.

LORELAI

Oh, she'll be fine. She probably just needs time to cool down, you know.

RORY

Yeah, I hope so. I mean, I feel terrible.

LORELAI

Of course you do. You want to come home? I'm about to start counting dust ruffles.

RORY

No. I should actually probably go over there and try, you know? See if she'll talk to me in person.

LORELAI

All right. Let me know what happens.

RORY

Yeah, I will. 143.

LORELAI

Ah, thank you. Sorry boys suck.

RORY

Yeah, stupid bowls of soup.

RORY

Hey. Is Lucy here?

OLIVIA

She's here.

RORY

Can I see her?

OLIVIA

She doesn't want to see you right now, and, to be honest, neither do I.

RORY

Olivia, just let me explain, please.

OLIVIA

No.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Oh, my god! Mom, you scared me half to death. What are you doing here?

EMILY

I want to talk to you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Ugh. Is this about the party? Because I've had a really long day, and I don't want to talk about the party.

EMILY

It's not about the party. I've come to talk to you about your marriage.

LORELAI

My marriage?

EMILY

Yes, I'm concerned. I don't like what I'm seeing, and I've come to offer you some friendly advice.

LORELAI

Mom, I really don't want your advice.

EMILY

Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

Christopher is immature, often foolish, and a little lacking in common sense. He doesn't always make the best choices.

LORELAI

Like with me? Are you saying he chose wrongly in choosing me?

EMILY

I'm saying he's your husband, Lorelai, for better or for worse. I like Christopher.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

I think he's good for you. But it's not going to be perfect. He's not perfect, and god knows you're not perfect. But marriage is not about always being happy, and often it's about not being happy at all. It's about compromise, which is not your strong suit. Marriage is about swallowing your pride sometimes, about doing what he wants. It's not about winning an argument, which may make you sad, because that's what you love. But I don't want to see you ruin this. Marriage is serious business, Lorelai, and if you don't take this very seriously, then this whole thing could fall apart faster than you could possibly imagine. And he'll be gone, and you'll be alone again. A ring is no guarantee. [They exchange looks for a second] Sorry for scaring you.