T7E11: “Santa’s Secret Stuff”

LORELAI

[Gasps] Ooh!

LORELAI

The redcoats are coming! The redcoats are coming!

GIGI

The redcoats are coming!

CHRISTOPHER

Whoa, whoa. Hold on there, missy. Got to put on your jacket first, okay?

LORELAI

Hi!

RORY

Hi!

LORELAI

I'm so mad at you!

RORY

What kind of greeting is that?

LORELAI

What kind of daughter doesn't let her mother pick her up at the airport?

RORY

The kind who parks her car at the airport car park.

LORELAI

But I'm the kind of mother who picks her daughter up at the airport, you know with flowers and coffee and a fake chauffeur's sign. Why would you mess with my sense of self?

ORY

My car was parked at the airport car park.

LORELAI

So what, I could have driven to the airport, picked you up, brought you back. Then we both could have driven to pick up your car and come here.

RORY

Yeah 'cause that wouldn't be a waste of gas or anything.

LORELAI

[picking up a bag] Oh, god. Did you pack Big Ben? I still think it was kind of risky.

RORY

What's risky?

LORELAI

Well you've spent a lot of time across the pond. You might get confused and forget which side of the road to drive on.

RORY

Yeah it was a near escape.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey! Welcome home!

GIGI

The redcoat is here!

RORY

Hi, dad!

CHRISTOPHER

How are you doing?

RORY

Good. [they kiss] Hi, little sister. Oh, hello. Okay. Oh. [Gigi is holding on to her leg] Oh. Well, all right.

CHRISTOPHER

So, you made it here okay?

RORY

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

I was thinking -- all that time in England, you might forget which side of the road to drive on.

LORELAI

Hey, don't steal my material.

CHRISTOPHER

What do you mean, your material?

LORELAI

I just made that joke.

CHRISTOPHER

They driving on the other side of the road thing, that's my joke. If you just made it, you ripped me off.

LORELAI

I ripped you off?

RORY

Guys.

LORELAI

That's like saying Lenny Bruce rips off carrot top or Woody Allen gets his material from what's his name -- the guy with the watermelons.

CHRISTOPHER

I did not rip you off -- no way, no how, sister. I made that joke this morning at breakfast. When we were sitting there. We were drinking coffee.

RORY

Guys, not that that's not a hilarious joke, but the guy at the car park made the same one. Hey, Gigi, Would you want to take this inside for me? [Handing her a small bag]

GIGI

Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on, Geege.

RORY

Ohh!

LORELAI

What?

RORY

You took the Christmas lights down.

LORELAI

I didn't take them down. I haven't put them up yet. I saved Christmas for you.

RORY

You...

LORELAI

Before you left we said we were gonna wait and do Christmas together.

RORY

Okay, yeah, but...

LORELAI

[Noticing the earrings Rory is wearing] What are those?

RORY

What are what?

LORELAI

Are those a Christmas present from Logan?

RORY

No, I mean -- well, yeah, but it's more like a late birthday/new year's present. What stop sniffing me.

LORELAI

I smell Christmas cookies.

RORY

Well there's no way you can smell cookies from six days ago.

LORELAI

So there were Christmas cookies.

RORY

There may have been a little Christmas.

LORELAI

Unbelievable!

RORY

London, as a city, is very Christmas-obsessed. Okay I couldn't help what was going on around me. But inside, I assure you, I was devoid of the Christmas spirit -- a complete scrooge.

LORELAI

I didn't let any Christmas happen. I grinched it up so hard, I didn't even let it snow.

RORY

What it hasn't snowed yet?

LORELAI

Thanks to me thinking of you and our agreement, our pledge, out oath.

RORY

You stopped the snow?

LORELAI

Yes sheer force of will. We said we would have no Christmas, so I had no Christmas.

RORY

You must have had a little Christmas.

LORELAI

None.

RORY

What no presents?

LORELAI

No presents.

RORY

No tree?

LORELAI

No tree.

RORY

No eggnog?

LORELAI

No egg, no nog. I sat in the dark with the lights off and ate gruel.

RORY

Okay, mom.

LORELAI

Rory.

RORY

I hereby apologize for any accidental Christmas celebrating I may have done. I'm now ready to celebrate Christmas for real.

LORELAI

Yeah?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Okay!

RORY

So, you stopped the snow?

LORELAI

Yeah. I did an anti-snow dance. It was humiliating and arguaus, but I had made a promise to my daughter.

RORY

Humiliating?

LORELAI

Two words -- coconut bra.

CHRISTOPHER

Where am I taking this?

LORELAI

Living room.

RORY

I love our trees!

GIGI

Me too!

CHRISTOPHER

You don't think our trees are...

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Maybe a little homely?

LORELAI

Homely?!

CHRISTOPHER

I'm just saying.

RORY

What!

LORELAI

What are you saying?

CHRISTOPHER

That our trees are not classically good-looking. I mean if you were to look up "tree" in the dictionary, you would not find one of these fellows.

LORELAI

Why would you look up "tree" in the dictionary?

RORY

So we don't have classically good-looking trees.

LORELAI

You don't know what a tree is.

RORY

Come on look at that tree.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm looking.

RORY

That tree has character.

LORELAI

It does.

RORY

That tree has earned character by persevering through freezing winters and forest fires and floods.

LORELAI

This tree's a fighter.

RORY

Woodpeckers, I mean maniacal woodpeckers just pecking at its trunk.

LORELAI

Survivor.

RORY

Peck, peck, peck, day in and day out.

LORELAI

That tree's a champion.

RORY

[changing her tone and smiling] It smells so good in here with all our trees.

LORELAI

It's like a dozen car air fresheners.

RORY

Just imagine how good it's gonna be once all our trees are here.

CHRISTOPHER

This is crazy!

LORELAI

Seven trees.

CHRISTOPHER

Which was crazy.

LORELAI

What? Buck a tree.

RORY

Dad, we have to have at least one tree in the kitchen.

GIGI

Yeah, dad.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm in a forest of crazy.

RORY

Hm-hmm.

LORELAI

Buck a tree.

RORY

Genius.

LORELAI

So genius we better be careful, or word will get out and everyone will start celebrating Christmas after Christmas, which will really drive up the post-Christmas Christmas-tree prices.

RORY

Then we'll have to keep celebrating later and later.

LORELAI

Yeah before we know it, we'll be having Figgy pudding in July. Look! Gigi! You know who made this? Rory. Rory made this when she was right about your age.

GIGI

That's nice.

RORY

Someone's not impressed.

LORELAI

Well she doesn't understand abstract art.

RORY

Philistine.

LORELAI

Hey, look at this. Here's Santa's costume. Wow. That's seen better days.

GIGI

Why do you have Santa's clothes?

LORELAI

Because... I... used to do Santa's dry cleaning.

GIGI

You did?

LORELAI

Yeah.

GIGI

Wow.

LORELAI

I know.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, everybody can relax. There's now a Christmas tree in the kitchen.

LORELAI

Thank you.

RORY

Oh! My antlers! I love my antlers!

GIGI

Oh, neat! Let me try!

RORY

Wow, okay.

GIGI

[running off to the kitchen] On vixen! On blisters!...

RORY

Kid took my antlers, she took my antlers and galloped away.

LORELAI

Alright now tell me more about London. Did everything work out with Logan after the whole Marty/Lucy/dinner debacle?

RORY

Well I was pretty angry for a while, especially after he blurted out all that stuff the way he did, but he apologized a lot and even admitted that he was a little jealous, so I forgave him.

LORELAI

Well, that's good.

RORY

Yeah well, plus I realized a lot of it was my fault. I was Lucy's friend. I should have been straight with her about knowing Marty. I can't believe I got suckered into that whole thing I mean for so long. I don't blame her for hating me.

LORELAI

Have you talked to her now?

RORY

I've left messages.

LORELAI

Oh, hon.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow! Look at all this!

LORELAI

Yeah, we have a lot of Christmas stuff.

CHRISTOPHER

Cool. Mistletoe.

LORELAI

Where are you going?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm gonna hang it up in the doorway.

RORY

Oh, that's not where it goes.

CHRISTOPHER

Where does it go?

RORY

We tape it up to one of the blades of the ceiling fan upstairs. That way, the kissing is more like a sport.

LORELAI

One of our traditions.

CHRISTOPHER

That's a tradition?

RORY

Our traditions are important to us.

CHRISTOPHER

What other traditions am I in for?

RORY

On Christmas morning, we put red and green M&M's in our cereal.

CHRISTOPHER

Down with that.

RORY

We string up our stockings on the banister.

LORELAI

Yes we used to string them up in the traditional traditionally place of the fireplace, but there was that fire incident, and they nearly burned to bits. So now we put them on little nails on the banister.

RORY

Oh, we always go to Weston's for a cup of holiday candy-cane coffee, which is so delicious.

LORELAI

Delicious. And we bake cookies.

CHRISTOPHER

You bake?

RORY

Well we put on Christmas music, drink eggnog, and pretend to bake the cookies we bought from Weston's.

LORELAI

We do, however, make our own frosting. We use a handheld electric mixer from the dark ages so that Rory can continue the tradition of licking the beaters.

RORY

Yes, a skill which I have perfected over the years.

LORELAI

And then on Christmas eve, we leave the cookies out for Santa's reindeer.

RORY

Santa prefers gum.

CHRISTOPHER

Well I am very excited about these traditions, but you know because it's our first Christmas together as a family, I thought maybe it was time to start some new traditions.

LORELAI

Like what?

CHRISTOPHER

Well, for starters... I got us these. [holds up new stocking]

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

Oh, they're so big and flashy.

CHRISTOPHER

Ha, I got one for each of us.

LORELAI

But we have stockings already.

RORY

[holding up the old stocking] I mean they're a little singed from the fire, but they're still usable.

CHRISTOPHER

But not stockings like these. Ha.

RORY

That's true.

CHRISTOPHER

Alright this will be a new tradition. I'm gonna hang them up. You know what else we should do? We should go caroling.

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Are you kidding?

CHRISTOPHER

It'll be fun.

LORELAI

Well It wouldn't be fun for strangers to hear us sing.

RORY

It'd be cruel that's what it would be.

LORELAI

And embarrassing.

CHRISTOPHER

Guys, carols are beautiful. [singing badly, the girls look amused] Gl-o-o-o-o-o- o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis deo

MICHEL

yes, sir. Thank you. [seeing Luke] Oh. You. I thought we were done with you.

LUKE

Hi, Michel. Is Lorelai here? [on the phone] Hey. Can you tell Lorelai that... someone is here to see her? [hangs up, silence for a few second] Well, this is awfully awkward. We should make some sort of conversation. I see your sense of style has not changed.

LUKE

Nope.

MICHEL

I've often wondered, does someone in your family own a flannel company?

LUKE

Uh, no.

MICHEL

Oh. You know what? I cannot do this. Let us just stand here and let the awkwardness wash over us.

LUKE

Fine by me.

LORELAI

Hi.

MICHEL

Ahh, here she is. It's been a delight chatting with you.

LUKE

I'm sorry to just barge in like this.

LORELAI

That's okay.

LUKE

Can we talk somewhere?

LORELAI

Um, sure.

LUKE

[Sighs] Anna wants to move to New Mexico with April.

LORELAI

New Mexico?

LUKE

Anna's mother had major surgery, and she's not doing so well. And Anna wants to be near her, which I get. It's just I'd like to see April on some weekends and vacations.

LORELAI

Of course.

LUKE

But Anna says no. In fact, right now, she's not letting me see April at all, so I have to fight for custody, and I'm going to court.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

Yeah, it's the whole thing. I got to get a lawyer and wear a tie. It's not fun.

LORELAI

It's good you're doing it, though.

LUKE

Well, I can't not. You know I can't not do it.

LORELAI

Right.

LUKE

So, anyway, um, the court date is coming up. And I need a character reference. And Liz wrote one, but my lawyer read it, and he said it was sweet, but it was filled with all these weird childhood anecdotes that I probably don't want to share with anyone, much less a court of law. And I need another one, and I just don't know who to go to. And I know it's an awful lot to ask. And if it's weird or whatever...

LORELAI

Yes...

LUKE

I mean, I totally understand.

LORELAI

Yes.

LUKE

But if you could, uh...

LORELAI

Yes, I'll do it.

LUKE

Yeah? Okay. All right, well, this is my lawyer's address, and you can just mail the letter directly to him.

LORELAI

Okay

LUKE

Yeah, and, look, if you don't mind, if you could do it as soon as possible... [Lorelai nods] the court date's right around the corner.

LORELAI

Definitely.

LUKE

Thanks. Thank you.

LORELAI

You're welcome.

LUKE

Yeah. Um, okay, well... I'll just... thanks.

LORELAI

Sure. I'll get right on it.

LUKE

I send it to here. Okay. [They shake hands, Lorelai looks a little weird about it] All right. Thanks. Okay.

SOOKIE

No, that should do it. Thanks.

LORELAI

Ugh!

SOOKIE

It's hard, huh?

LORELAI

Yeah, the pressure is a lot, you know?

SOOKIE

Yeah, of course.

LORELAI

I mean I just keep thinking that whatever I write might help save Luke's relationship with his kid, which is huge and important, so the pressure's really getting to me -- that and a lack of sufficient caffeine.

SOOKIE

Of course. Totally. I mean plus I mean, it's Luke, and after all you've been through, it's got to be hard.

LORELAI

Well, yeah.

SOOKIE

You're having to dig up all those feelings for him. That can't be fun. You must be feeling overwhelmed.

LORELAI

I really don't think it's about digging up my feelings for Luke.

SOOKIE

Okay.

LORELAI

I think it's really about writing an amazing letter. I mean the stakes are really high for him, and I want it to be something amazing and powerful, like Gettysburg address powerful or "I have a dream" powerful. So, I'm thinking I'll look a couple of those up online and just pop the name "Luke" in there and be I'll done with it.

SOOKIE

Sure. I don't think anyone will notice.

LORELAI

All right, back to work.

SOOKIE

Good luck.

WOMAN CUSTOMER

Is it twins? It's got to be twins.

LANE

Is what twins?

MAN CUSTOMER

[pointing to Lanes belly] Are you...

LANE

Pregnant? You think I'm pregnant? Oh Yeah, it's not acceptable in this society to be a plus-sized woman who happens to carry her weight in her belly.

WOMAN CUSTOMER

So you're not -- oh, gee. Well, I need new glasses. I'm sorry.

LANE

Of course I'm pregnant. Turkey with Swiss. [Puts plates down hard. Moves on to other customers] Hey! Hey! What's up with this tip?

LANE

This is 50%. I don't need your pity tips. Okay I'm pregnant, not homeless.

LUKE

April!

APRIL

[small laugh, they hug]

LUKE

Hey Wow. What are you doing?

APRIL

Well I biked over because... [sees Lane] oh, my gosh. Lane is gigantic.

LUKE

Yeah well I wouldn't mention that to Lane.

APRIL

Hey did you know the gestation period for an elephant is 22 months?

LUKE

Yeah will I wouldn't mention that to Lane, either. So what are you doing here, does your mother know you're here?

APRIL

She doesn't have a clue. See I told her I was gonna spend the whole day at the Boston museum of science with Melissa and her dad. And it's perfect because mom confirmed things with Melissa's dad two days ago. But then yesterday, I told Melissa's dad that I couldn't come because I had gotten the curse,

LUKE

The...

APRIL

Which is perfect, 'cause you know how awkward men get about menstruation.

LUKE

yeah ah look so it's really great to see you, but this isn't gonna work.

APRIL

But there's no way mom will ever figure it out. I even read all about cotton-topped Tamarin monkeys and the Van De Graaff generator, so I'll have plenty to tell her when I get back. Yeah I'm gonna have to take you home.

APRIL

No!

LUKE

I'm sorry.

APRIL

Dad, no. Please, no. I've missed you so much.

LUKE

Yeah well I missed you, too.

APRIL

I haven't seen you in ages and ages. Plus, if you take me home now, mom will know that I lied, and I'll get into so much trouble. Please?

LUKE

I don't know. I...

APRIL

Here. This is for you. Merry belated Christmas. Sorry it looks like this. I couldn't exactly wrap it in wrapping paper without arousing maternal suspicions, if you know what I mean.

LUKE

Thanks. I actually got you something, too.

APRIL

You did?

LUKE

Yeah. [small pause as the look at each other] So, are you hungry or what?

APRIL

Tuna-fish sandwiches?

LUKE

That's what I was thinking, too. [April giggles] Come on. Let's go upstairs.

LORELAI

Be very careful with your needle.

GIGI

I know.

LORELAI

Okay because it's really, really pointy.

GIGI

I know.

RORY

Okay so, what guidelines did he give you?

LORELAI

None. No guidelines, no guidelines whatsoever. I'm supposed to write a character reference, so I thought I'd reference his character.

RORY

Sounds like you're on the right track.

LORELAI

No, I'm not because it turns out I can't write.

RORY

Oh, sure, you can.

LORELAI

No, I can't. I stare at the blank page, and I keep staring and staring. And eventually I have to get up and lubricate my eyeballs. Otherwise, they would fall out of my head, like raisins.

RORY

Well, are you using a pen? You can't just stare at the paper. You have to have a writing implement of some kind.

GIGI

[Showing what she's done] Look.

LORELAI

Very pretty, honey.

RORY

Hey what a good job.

LORELAI

You know what I really like? Your cranberry-to-popcorn ratio. Rory's more of a 1-to-1 kinda gal, but I'm like you. I like a lot of cranberry, little popcorn thrown in for flair. [just to Rory] Yours is pretty, too.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

I have a writing implement. The problem is that everything I write sounds so schmucky.

RORY

I'm sure that's not true. We're running low on cranberries.

LORELAI

"Luke Danes is a highly regarded member of this community.” [Makes sick sound] “Not an ill word can be spoken of Mr. Danes." It's like I'm some documentary narrator from the history channel. And you know what phrase I keep using? "Stand-up." "Luke Danes is a stand-up guy. "He's an upstanding member of stars hollow, a real stand-up citizen." People are gonna think he's turned into a comedian.

RORY

Sounds like you're over thinking this. Maybe if you just put pen to paper.

LORELAI

I tried that, I thought, "I'll just sit down and write whatever comes -- no judgment, no inner critic." Boy was that a bad idea.

RORY

Really? Why?

LORELAI

Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. "Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. "I wish I was wearing my blue dress. "My blue dress is at the cleaners. "'The Germans wore gray. You wore blue. ''Casablanca'. "'Casablanca' is such a good movie. "'Casablanca.' The white house. Bush. "Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should drive a hybrid car. "I should really take my bicycle to work. "Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck. Rattlesnake. Monkey, monkey, underpants."

RORY

"Hockey puck, rattlesnake, monkey, monkey, underpants"?

LORELAI

Exactly, that's what I'm saying. It's a big bag of weird in there. So, I think I need inspiration. You know I need a muse. Perhaps I need "the muse." Maybe it would help if Sharon Stone would appear to me in an alarming caftan and coo inspirational words in my ear.

RORY

Just write what you feel. That's all writing is. Hey do you think there might be some reason why you're having trouble? I mean I would imagine that writing about Luke wouldn't be easy.

LORELAI

I know -- you should write it.

RORY

What? No.

LORELAI

Yes. You are a wonderful writer. Everything you write is so good. Your grocery lists are like shimmering haikus.

RORY

You write a pretty mean grocery list yourself. And it doesn't have to shimmer it just has to be authentic and real. Oh! You know what I'm gonna do?

LORELAI

Write my thing for me.

RORY

No, I'm going to write a letter to Lucy explaining how sorry I am. That way, she doesn't have to see me, and she can just read it and she'll still know.

LORELAI

That's great and after you do that, you can write my letter for me.

RORY

No, this is something you have to write yourself.

GIGI

What letter?

LORELAI

Uh... to Santa.

GIGI

Wow.

LORELAI

You know I bet my problem is? The whole writing-by-hand thing. You know I think what would help is if I got my old electric typewriter out. The soothing sound of that irritating buzzing -- that's what would help me.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm home!

LORELAI

[changing the subject, Rory notices] So, cranberries really stay on the string, and popcorn falls right off. Hi, sweetie.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey, everybody.

RORY

Hey, dad.

GIGI

Hi dad.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey. [Chris and Lorelai kiss] Wow. Look at those.

GIGI

They're for the trees.

LORELAI

So what do you have in the bag?

CHRISTOPHER

No snooping. This is Santa's secret stuff.

GIGI

Lorelai knows Santa.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, yeah?

GIGI

She does Santa's dry cleaning.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, Lorelai is a remarkable woman.

LANE

[to some people on the street] Uh-huh.

ZACH

The yellow squash?

MRS KIM

Yes, they're a delicacy. We're going to steam them along with the broccoli.

ZACH

Is that adult broccoli? Can you do that with baby squash?

MRS KIM

Yes, it's very high in oxidants.

ZACH

Welcome home, babe.

MRS KIM

Welcome home, Lane.

ZACH

So we went to the nature mart, and guess what we got you. Turnip greens – turns out they got a sick amount of folic acid. What else did we get? Squash, zucchini, tofu.

MRS KIM

Special calcium-fortified tofu.

ZACH

And the calcium's real important because you're not eating some of your previous calcium sources, like soft cheese. You're not eating soft cheese, are you?

LANE

No, no. I'm not having any soft cheese.

ZACH

And no sushi?

MRS KIM

And no duck. We don't want the babies to have webbed feet.

LANE

So the duck sushi I had for lunch was probably a mistake, huh? [they look shocked] I'm kidding, mama. I am beat. Today at work, it was absolutely ridiculous. [sits on the couch, Zach joins her] Every other customer was "baby" -- I'm gonna tell Luke tomorrow I quit...

ZACH

You should put your feet up.

LANE

I'm fine.

ZACH

How are your ankles?

LANE

They're fine.

ZACH

Oh you know what I was reading about? Compression pantyhose. A lot of pregnant women wear them to help with circulation.

MRS KIM

How's your bladder, are the babies putting pressure on your bladder?

LANE

What I don't know.

ZACH

Well how many times did you urinate today?

LANE

Oh, my god, Zach! I am so not answering that question!

MRS KIM

Here are some new prenatal vitamins we bought you. I'm going to put them on your bedside table.

LANE

Fine.

MRS KIM

You have to take two every morning the moment you wake up.

LANE

Fine!

MRS KIM

Maybe I need to make you a chart.

LANE

I don't need a chart.

MRS KIM

I happen to know that you forgot to take your calcium tablets for two mornings. That is not right, Lane.

LANE

Mama, you're counting my pills?

MRS KIM

Yes, of course.

LANE

[Sighs, then when Mrs Kim has left the room she sneaks out a candy bar from the pillow on the couch and opens it.]

ZACH

I'm serious about the whole compression-pantyhose thing. I could totally pick you up a pair. I mean do I relish the prospect of being seen skulking around the pantyhose aisle? No. But I'm sure you don't want varicose veins.

LANE

I don't want pantyhose!

ZACH

Oh. Okay.

MRS KIM

I have decided I will make a chart. I need a piece of paper, a ruler, and some magic markers.

LANE

I'm serious, mama. I don't need... what is that?

ZACH

Oh, it's the crib we ordered. Isn't it cool. It'll be big enough for both of them.

LANE

Where are my drums?

ZACH

They're good they're safe. We put them in the closet.

LANE

The closet? You put my drum kit in the closet?

ZACH

Yeah, we needed the space, and, Lane, we haven't had band practice for months.

LANE

[waddles over and opens the closet, shouting] We need to have band practice!

ZACH

Sure. And we will.

LANE

Now.

ZACH

Well if you want, we can call Gil and Brian, but I mean can you even play?

LANE

What do you mean, can I play?

ZACH

I mean, in your condition.

LANE

[getting angrier] I can play.

ZACH

Okay. Cool.

LORELAI

I melted three entire candy canes into this not-very-large cup of coffee, and still I can barely taste it.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

It's just the vaguest whisper of peppermint.

RORY

Peppermint. [makes hand gesture]

LORELAI

I swear I could get the same effect if I put Vaporub on my chest and drank coffee at the same time.

RORY

Peppermint. [makes hand gesture again]

LORELAI

I mean how arbitrary is it to decide to stop serving candy-cane coffee the day after Christmas? Christmas spirit is not something that can be turned off like a faucet on December 26th.

RORY

Yeah, it stinks.

LORELAI

On the plus side, any chest congestion I had is now totally cleared up.

RORY

So that's good.

LORELAI

Well, let's go Christmas-shopping.

RORY

Write your letter.

LORELAI

I can't. I need a treat.

RORY

This was your treat, coming to Weston's was supposed to buck up your spirits and inspire your writing.

LORELAI

No, candy-cane coffee was supposed to be my treat. This coffee is no treat. Let's face it -- this is un-candy-cane-coffee coffee, and it's totally un-bucking up my spirits. So it's decided -- let's go shopping.

RORY

Write.

LORELAI

Rory, I can't. Ooh. I have an idea. Excuse me. Hi. Merry Christmas.

SUE

Christmas is over.

LORELAI

Okay. Sue -- pretty name. I have a hunch that there's some of the secret candy-cane-coffee mix just sitting in the back there, and I wonder if I could make it worth your while if you and I could come to some sort of arrangement.

SUE

Like I said before we stop selling candy-cane coffee when Christmas is over.

LORELAI

Right I'm not talking about selling it. I'm talking about maybe if you misplaced a canister or two.

SUE

Misplaced?

LORELAI

Misplaced. [winks at her]

SUE

Honey.

LORELAI

Yes?

SUE

Christmas is over.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Are we gonna talk about this?

LORELAI

About what?

RORY

Why are you lying to dad?

LORELAI

I'm not lying.

RORY

He walked into the kitchen earlier, and you started prattling on about popcorn and cranberries.

LORELAI

I wasn't prattling. Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand. [Sighs]

RORY

But you're not telling him about this character-reference thing are you.

LORELAI

Well I haven't yet.

RORY

And you're not planning to.

LORELAI

Well

RORY

You're intentionally not telling him. That's kind of a lie of omission.

LORELAI

A lie of omission Isn't that an Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman movie?

RORY

Look mum if there's anything to be learned from this whole thing with Lucy, it's that honesty is the best policy.

LORELAI

Err, It's an okay policy.

RORY

But how do you expect to have any kind of relationship if you're not honest with him?

LORELAI

Honey look, I have been around a long time, okay? I wore leggings the last time they were trendy. I knew Tom Hanks when he was a Bosom Buddy. I have lived, and I have learned.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

And I understand that you value honesty, and I applaud that value. But sometimes the truth is a little more complicated.

RORY

More complicated how?

LORELAI

More complicated. Look we don't have to talk about this.

RORY

I know but I want you to tell me what's going on.

LORELAI

Things with dad are great. They're better than great. It's just that...

RORY

What?

LORELAI

He's been a bit on edge about Luke. You know I ran into Luke outside Doose's the other day, and dad saw me holding Liz's baby. And it just wasn't great. It wasn't great timing.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

And this whole mom having the not-a-wedding-party thing caused tension, and we argued. So I just want to be sensitive and not worry him about something he doesn't need to worry about.

RORY

Well, that makes sense.

LORELAI

But everything is gonna be fine. Better than fine -- it's gonna be great.

RORY

Okay. Well, you know, mom, I've been around for a while, too. I remember tom hanks from his "Joe Versus The Volcano" days.

LORELAI

Yeah, you were like 5.

RORY

Yeah but the point is, I'm not a kid anymore you know. You don't have to create this whole Christmas illusion where everything in the world is magical and fine. It's okay if it's not.

LORELAI

You still believe in Santa, though, right?

RORY

Your best dry-cleaning client? Of course.

APRIL

A little to the right. Okay. Too far. A little to the left, there.

LUKE

How's that?

APRIL

Good. It really livens up your apartment.

LUKE

It's a very lively mask. Thanks again, April. I love it. I really do.

APRIL

It's based on my real face you know.

LUKE

Oh, yeah?

APRIL

Oh I mean not the outside, but the inside. I made it in art class, and I had to lie still with straws up my nose while a partner put plaster strips on my face.

LUKE

Straws up your nose.

APRIL

I suffer for my art. Anyway, this kid Evan, he got Liz Alderman as a partner, who's a total wild child. And she laid the plaster strips all willy-nilly and ended up pulling off half his eyebrows.

LUKE

Oh, that's not good huh.

APRIL

Actually, Liz Alderman's on my swim team now.

LUKE

Oh yeah.

APRIL

She's got these really huge feet, which coach Bennett finds promising.

LUKE

Like built-in flippers.

APRIL

Exactly, hopefully they kick in -- no pun intended -- before our big swim meet in may.

LUKE

May huh.

APRIL

May 15th. 10 different clubs are sending teams. It's gonna be amazing.

LUKE

You know I hear they have really great swim teams in New Mexico.

APRIL

Yeah, right. New Mexico is a barren, dusty desert, and they probably don't even have water to swim in.

LUKE

You know what in hot climates, they actually have more swimming pools. I bet you a lot of kids there will be really into swimming.

APRIL

Well then they're probably too good for me. I mean the only reason I get to do so many events is 'cause everyone on my team stinks worse than I do.

LUKE

April.

APRIL

It's true.

LUKE

Go on. [putting a large present on the table] All right, go ahead and open up your Christmas present.

APRIL

Are you trying to bribe me out of a bad mood with the offer of material goods? 'Cause I'm amenable to that.

APRIL

[Gasps] Wow! A rock polisher! Thanks so much.

LUKE

You like it?

APRIL

It's the perfect present.

LUKE

Well you hinted at it pretty hard, so I figured it might be the right thing.

APRIL

It is. It is. But, dad, I kind already got a rock polisher from grandma.

LUKE

Oh. Well, then it's not the perfect present.

APRIL

No, it is. It is. This one looks more powerful than the one I already have. Plus, I mean who couldn't use two rock polishers?

LUKE

Yeah?

APRIL

Sure. You should see my rock collection right now. It's insane, I've practically got a quarry in my bedroom -- granite, of course, but also feldspar, quartz, mica, limestone.

LUKE

Cool.

APRIL

I know. I've been biking over to Beacon Falls and going rock-hunting around Naugatuck river. It amazing the other day I found an arrowhead in almost perfect condition. It's so sharp, I think I'd get in trouble if I brought it to school.

LUKE

You know, if you're interested in arrowheads, New Mexico has some incredible places...

APRIL

Dad.

LUKE

Okay. Okay. Let's open this thing.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey! I'm done with the lights. Do you want to see them now, or do you want to wait till after dark?

LORELAI

Uh, I will wait -- to get the full effect.

CHRISTOPHER

What you got there?

LORELAI

Uh, nothing. Just some of Santa's secret stuff.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, yeah? What did you get me?

LORELAI

A Maserati.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh that's so sweet of you it's amazing how a Maserati can fit behind the bed like that.

LORELAI

Well I haven't put it together yet, which reminds me -- do you have any masking tape?

CHRISTOPHER

You're gonna assemble the Maserati with masking tape?

LORELAI

Don't ask questions! Just get out of here it's Santa's workshop!

CHRISTOPHER

All right!

LORELAI

Rory! We have to go shopping, get your dad a Maserati! [Exits room]

LANE

So of course I spun the record for a week straight, because who wouldn't want to listen to Art Brut for a week straight? Oh Pass me your lyrics.

BRIAN

Yeah. Here they are.

LANE

As far as I'm concerned, "Formed a Band" could be the new national anthem. I swear I could literally stand and cover my heart if asked. Brian? Brian? [Lane hits a cymbal]

ZACH

Whoa! What's going on here, babe? Everything okay? You got to watch the loud noises.

LANE

Loud noises? We're about to play rock music, Zach.

BRIAN

Oh, check out the mandolin.

ZACH

Yeah, right. She's a beaut, huh?

BRIAN

Yeah cool. So what kind of stuff you been working on?

ZACH

Mostly I've just been messing around. I wrote one song that was kind of White Stripes' "Little Ghost" meets the Decemberists meets Gulag Orkestar meets, like, "Losing my Religion" meets Jethro Burns on that Steve Goodman album meets "Battle of Evermore" meets The Smiths meets... some other stuff.

BRIAN

That's a lot of meeting.

ZACH

Exactly. Whoa. Okay, this is eerie. You see the way I'm holding my mandolin. It's exactly one of the baby holds I've learned. See how I have it in the crook of my arm with its head supported?

BRIAN

That's how you're supposed to hold a baby?

ZACH

One of the ways. Lane, I wish your mom was here. This is so "rock-a-bye, baby."

LANE

[A little sarcastically] Fascinating.

BRIAN

So wait there are different ways to officially hold a baby?

ZACH

Yeah, sure -- you got your "hello, world," where you put the baby's back to your stomach and put your hand under here for support.

BRIAN

Hmm

ZACH

You got your belly hold, where you put the baby's chest down along one of your forearms. This is really great for gassy babies. Then you got your fruit basket, which is...

LANE

Finally. [Laughs while she goes and opens the door.]

GIL

Hey, hey, hey! How we doing? Long time no see.

BRIAN

Gil, how's it hangin'?

GIL

It's hangin' great, my friend. So, check it out. This is the youngest of my brood -- Macon. Macon, this is the band.

MACON

[does the peace sign] What up?

GIL

The sitter flaked, and I got Macon the bacon under my wing.

ZACH

That's cool.

GIL

Sorry for the short notice, but I figured you guys would be a little more understanding being that you're in the family way. Speaking of which... whoa! Check you out, Lane. You are some kind of serious fertility goddess.

LANE

Thanks.

GIL

Zach, nice work, man.

LANE

I thought we should warm up by practicing some of our old songs. Then maybe Zach could show us what he's been doing with the mandolin.

GIL

The mandolin.

GIL

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na right on. Oh, man! You got the alcmere 3000!

LANE

The what?

GIL

The breast pump. I'm psyched you guys picked this one. It's really gentle. I mean my wife's got sensitive nipples. This one didn't bum her out at all.

BRIAN

You use that to pump...

GIL

Milk. Sure. That's if you choose to go the breast-feeding route.

LANE

You guys, I'm sure Brian is not interested in this.

BRIAN

Breast-feeding, huh?

GIL

Yeah I mean, some people go with the formula deal, which is cool, too. Actually, for baby number two, we did use formula.

ZACH

Yeah.

GIL

I mean, if you use formula, the old lady can smoke, drink, eat as many tacos as she wants -- no problemo.

ZACH

You hear that, babe?

LANE

Yeah. Tacos. Thrilling.

RORY

Why can't they make books out of something lighter?

LORELAI

Lighter than paper?

RORY

I'm being punished for being generous.

LORELAI

That's what you get for having so many smart friends. So I think we're doing well.

RORY

Yeah I think we're done. Oh wait Babette do we have something for Babette?

LORELAI

The needlepoint pillow with the sassy saying.

RORY

Oh yeah, you know It's kind of impressive when people curse in needlepoint. There's something laborious about it.

LORELAI

And I got cologne for Michel and the same cologne for my mother.

RORY

Weird.

LORELAI

Well, they'll both hate whatever I give them, so I figured, why spend time picking out doomed gifts? Then I have whatever Williams-Sonoma sold me for Sookie -- a butter slicer, a bread warmer/wine maker.

RORY

Well, I'm sure she'll love her butter slicer.

LORELAI

If that's even what it is. I swear they could attach a stone to a piece of string and call it a poultry pounder, and I'd shell out 35 bucks.

RORY

So I guess all we need is dad.

LORELAI

Yeah I really want to get him something great. We have the sweater.

RORY

And the really heavy book.

LORELAI

But I want to get him something that he'll really love.

RORY

Well, we will. I mean we'll find something. We have a whole mall here full of post-Christmas prices. Well find something.

LORELAI

Guys are tricky, but your dad's really tricky. I mean what does he need? What does he want?

RORY

Hmm, perhaps a poultry pounder.

LORELAI

Plus, he is my husband now. I've never bought something for a husband. I wish they had a special store for husband stuff.

RORY

Hey! [pointing to a telescope]

LORELAI

Huh.

RORY

What do you think?

LORELAI

Maybe.

RORY

I think he'd love it. Come on. [they enter the store] Oh, look at this one.

LORELAI

Oh! [looks through the eye piece] Doesn't work so good inside, though.

RORY

Well.

LORELAI

Solar systems, 50% off!

RORY

Oh that's not just a post-Christmas sale. That's a post-Pluto sale.

LORELAI

Poor Pluto.

RORY

Oh, poor Pluto. [spotting Luke] Hey, um, it's Luke.

LORELAI

Hmm? [Lorelai looks up to see Luke, he nods and she waves] Hi. I guess we should...

RORY

Yeah.

APRIL

Oh! Hey!

LORELAI

Hey.

LUKE

Hey. Hey, Rory.

RORY

Hey, Luke. Hey, April.

APRIL

Hey. Hey.

LORELAI

Hi. Hi, April.

APRIL

Hi.

LORELAI

So.

LUKE

Yeah April showed up at the diner today out of the blue.

APRIL

You make it sound like Pearl Harbor or something.

LUKE

No, I mean, it was a surprise -- a nice surprise. So, how's it going?

LORELAI

It's -- I'm almost done.

LUKE

[looking serious] Done?

LORELAI

You're not talking about the letter. You're just asking in general.

LUKE

I meant, how's it going?

LORELAI

Good. I'm good. We're good.

APRIL

Hey, I like your sweaters. They're very festive.

RORY

Thank you. It's Christmas for us.

LORELAI

Rory was in London at the end of December, so we waited to do Christmas together.

LUKE

Of course you did.

CASHIER

Sir, do you have a return?

LUKE

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

RORY

So, April, how was your Christmas?

APRIL

Well, I'm 60% atheist and 40% agnostic, so Christmas isn't really a big deal for me.

RORY

Oh, really? 60/40, huh?

LORELAI

More of a winter solstice gal?

APRIL

Exactly. You went to London by yourself over Christmas?

RORY

Oh I wasn't exactly by myself. I met my boyfriend there.

APRIL

Oh. Meeting a lover in a foreign city -- how glamorous. I can't wait to be grown up and glamorous and make my own decisions about where I go and when. Being a kid is the pits sometimes.

LORELAI

It sure is.

APRIL

Oh, thanks.

LORELAI

What'd you get?

APRIL

Well, my dad got me the greatest present ever -- a rock-polishing kit -- but I had already gotten it from my grandma, who's very into Christmas. So we exchanged it for this microscope, which is also the greatest present.

LORELAI

Good.

RORY

Wow. That's great.

APRIL

My dad's always been a great gift giver.

LUKE

I guess I don't know if I was always considered good at picking out presents, right, Rory?

RORY

Oh, no, you've always been great.

LUKE

Towels?

APRIL

What towels?

RORY

You meant well.

APRIL

You gave her towels?

RORY

For my birthday.

LUKE

I had them monogrammed. I thought it was cool.

RORY

Yes you went through quite the monogramming phase.

LUKE

I believe you received monogrammed pencils, a monogrammed mug, a monogrammed backpack, and a monogrammed belt.

RORY

Well no one ever tried to steal that belt. Those were my favorite towels. I still have the washcloth.

APRIL

That's hilarious.

RORY

Hey remember the year you got me the unicorn marionette with the purple horn?

LUKE

You didn't like the unicorn marionette?

RORY

I've never really been that into unicorns.

LUKE

I thought you loved that.

RORY

I know because I was being polite.

APRIL

Being polite can be dangerous.

RORY

Yes, it totally backfired, because for the next five years, I only got unicorn items -- unicorn sweatshirt, unicorn pencil case, bumper sticker -- "I brake for unicorns." No but you were always so nice. You never forgot my birthday. And every holiday, there was a monogrammed unicorn item.

APRIL

Dad for the record I'm not really into unicorns, either.

LUKE

Well, I'm glad to know it. Anyway we should get going. I got to get you home, kiddo.

LORELAI

Well, we have to buy up all the Pluto stuff. It's really gonna be a collector's item.

LUKE

Sure.

APRIL

Bye, you guys.

LORELAI

Bye.

RORY

Have a merry Christmas.

LORELAI

Merry Christmas.

ZACH

Honey, let me carry that.

LANE

No, thank you.

ZACH

Lane come on.

LANE

I'm perfectly capable of carrying a bag of groceries.

ZACH

Nutter butters? I put those Nutter butters back on the shelf.

LANE

Well I took them off of the shelf.

ZACH

You know your mom doesn't think you should be eating too many cookies.

LANE

Enough about my mom, okay? I'm so sick of her.

ZACH

Come on she's been pretty great, Lane. She cooks for us, she cleans for us. She's a total fount of baby information.

LANE

Well you know what maybe you should have married my mom, then, okay?

ZACH

Well, I'm sure when your mom was younger... [Lane looks at Zach] hey, I'm just saying, she's a handsome woman. What I'm just saying that I bet when she was younger, she used to look a little like you -- shorter hair, no glasses, maybe a bit more crabby maybe.

LANE

Well, I'm sick of her.

ZACH

That's kind of harsh.

LANE

I am. I'm sick of her. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of being treated like I'm not a person, like I'm some incubator whose puffy ankles and varicose veins and bathroom habits are up for discussion. On what planet is it appropriate to ask a person how many times a day she urinates?

ZACH

Well you can ask me.

LANE

I don't want to ask you.

ZACH

Six times today so far. I had a lot of coffee.

LANE

I'm sick of being told what to eat and what I shouldn't and what side I should sleep on. I'm a person, Zach. I'm an adult. I don't want to be hiding things under the floorboards and behind cushions again.

ZACH

Yeah that's no good. Plus, we're starting to get ants and mites.

LANE

I don't want everything to change just because we're having these babies.

ZACH

But things are going to change. There's no getting around it. Really, really soon, we're gonna have two babies -- two alive human sons.

LANE

It was such a small window -- a peephole, really. For years, I was this repressed kid, and then there was the briefest of windows. And then -- slam. All of a sudden, I'm this overburdened mother. I barely got to do it, Zach. I barely got the chance to be a person.

ZACH

No, no you can still be a person and you can still be rock 'n' roll. Having babies doesn't mean you can't be rock 'n' roll.

LANE

I don't know.

ZACH

Give me a break, Sonic Youth has a kid, and they're still way cool.

LANE

Yeah.

ZACH

And Mick Jagger -- that cat has like 15 kids, and he still goes out and rocks.

LANE

Yeah, I guess.

ZACH

For sure the man rocks hard, and then he comes home and makes another kid.

LANE

I don't want to make any other kids ever.

ZACH

All I'm saying is, we can still go out and play. I mean that's one of the cool things about having your mother around -- built-in babysitter.

LANE

Yeah. I just don't think I can bear having her around all the time.

ZACH

What about weekends, what if she hung out with us on the weekends and spent the week back at her pad?

LANE

Yeah, I guess that'd be all right.

ZACH

Let me carry that bag for you.

LUKE

I had such a good time with you today.

APRIL

I was thinking that Tuesdays after school, I could tell mom that I have chess club. And I really only have chess club once a week, but I could pretend it's twice a week. As soon as school's over, I could bike halfway to stars hollow, and you could meet me. I could hide in the bushes and do prearranged bird calls, like a mourning dove or something -- a "coo-roo coo-roo coo-roo" as a signal.

LUKE

Yeah, I don't think so.

APRIL

Or I don't need to do the bird calls.

LUKE

It wouldn't be right, April. It wouldn't we can't lie to your mother.

APRIL

But.

LUKE

Your mother and I are not totally seeing eye to eye on certain things, and so we're sort of in negotiations to figure out how to share our parenting responsibilities.

APRIL

Do you have a good lawyer?

LUKE

A good...

APRIL

You better have a good one, 'cause mom hired a shark.

LUKE

We're gonna figure that out. Don't worry about it, okay? But the court case is the reason that it's really important that we do everything honestly and aboveboard.

APRIL

Yeah. I guess that makes sense.

LUKE

Okay. So... what should we do with the microscope?

APRIL

Keep it. I'll use it the next time I'm over -- soon.

LUKE

Okay.

APRIL

You can set it up if you want. Just make sure that you always remove the slide before you rotate the lenses, or you can grind things up. And always carry it with a hand under the base.

LUKE

I'll be very careful.

APRIL

Bye.

LUKE

Bye. Don't forget to put your helmet on.

CHRISTOPHER

Look at this -- liquid sugar. It's good for you, this stuff. You think? You like the red or the green? Red? Red the best? I like red, too. Little. Little.

RORY

That's dripping.

CHRISTOPHER

That's dripping, I'm not very good at this.

RORY

You're making a mess, dad.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm not very good with the cookies.

RORY

And what do we say if anyone asks?

GIGI

We made, we made cookies by scratching.

CHRISTOPHER

[Laughs] "From scratch."

GIGI

From scratching.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, let's hope nobody asks.

RORY

Yeah. Hey, GIGI, You want to lick the beater?

GIGI

Yeah.

RORY

Here you go.

LORELAI

[entering room] Hey.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey. We're making some cookies by scratching.

LORELAI

Ha, that sounds appetizing. I'm gonna run out for a sec. I'll be right back.

RORY

Okay hurry back "Christmas in July" screening in 30 minutes.

CHRISTOPHER

Thought we'd start a new tradition.

LORELAI

Sounds good.

CHRISTOPHER

Gigi, I think we need some of the colors. Can you put some sprinkles on that one?

RORY

You want to decorate that one?

BING CROSBY

[singing] Please have snow And mistletoe and presents on the tree Christmas eve will find me...