T7E13: “I’d Rather Be in Philadelphia”

BABETTE

Ooh! What is that?

LORELAI

It's just my phone.

BABETTE

Holy smoke! I don't know what I thought that was -- some alarm on your pants or something.

LORELAI

No, the pants alarm, pants alarm sounds more like a siren.

BABETTE

You want to answer that? Should we put this down?

LORELAI

No, no...

BABETTE

We could just...

LORELAI

No that's okay. I'm afraid if we put it down, we won't pick it up again.

BABETTE

Oh, this is gonna be good, what with this one here and the two palms. Oh, boy, Morey's eyes are gonna pop out of his head!

LORELAI

Why? Does he find plants particularly startling?

BABETTE

I'm making a jungle.

LORELAI

A jungle?

BABETTE

For the bedroom.

LORELAI

Ugh! Enough said.

BABETTE

Hey, is that your inside phone?

LORELAI

Yeah I'll call them back.

BABETTE

So, anyway, I got this negligee with sort of a snake pattern.

LORELAI

Oh, boy! Is this heavy!

BABETTE

It is. It is. I'm sorry, doll. I wasn't hoping that you would lug this with me. I was planning on asking Christopher.

LORELAI

Oh yeah.

BABETTE

Yeah I haven't seen him much lately.

LORELAI

Oh well, his work keeps him busy.

BABETTE

Yeah what's he do -- something with computers? Very mysterious.

LORELAI

Yeah, he's a man of mystery.

BABETTE

Ohh, you know who's a man of mystery? Morey. [Lorelai cell phone rings] After decades in the bedroom, who would have thought that the idea of dressing up like a Howler monkey would be such a turn-on?

LORELAI

Right, I'm gonna get this, Babette.

BABETTE

All right.

LORELAI

[On the phone] Hello? Rory? Honey, what's wrong? [pause] Oh, no. On my way. [Ends call] Sorry, Babette!

BABETTE

[Breathing heavily] Morey!

WOMAN ON P.A.

Dr. Forrest, dial 182, please.

WOMAN

Excuse me, miss. Is that your phone?

RORY

Oh. Um, sorry. H-hello?

LORELAI

Hey.

RORY

Hey.

LORELAI

I'm here.

RORY

Good.

LORELAI

Where are you?

RORY

I'm here. I'm in the waiting room.

LORELAI

Ah, okay. I must be in the wrong waiting room.

RORY

I'm not in the E.R. anymore, I'm in the cardiac intensive-care unit, the C.I.C.U.

LORELAI

That's where I am, I think. First floor?

RORY

First floor.

LORELAI

There's a red stripe on the floor.

RORY

It's kind of orange here.

LORELAI

Orange?

RORY

Reddish-orange, so maybe.

LORELAI

Well yeah maybe orangey red. Maybe the lights make it look more red. [Lorelai sees Rory] Oh. Hi.

RORY

Hey. [Exhales deeply] Um, they're doing tests, so that's where he is -- blood tests and another E.K.G. They did an E.K.G. In the ambulance, but I guess they're still trying to determine how much damage was actually caused by the heart attack. But that's definitely what it was. It was a myocardial infarction, which is a heart attack. And I guess the E.K.G. Tells them how bad the blockage of his arteries is and what degree of coronary-artery disease he has, or C.A.D., As they're calling it, because, apparently, everything is -- what do you call it? An anagram? What's the thing with the letters? Acronym. The C.A.D., C.I.C.U., The E.K.G.

LORELAI

Come here.

RORY

Ohh. Mom, it was awful. He just fell down.

LORELAI

[Sighs] It's gonna be okay.

WOMAN ON PA

Dr. Forrest, dial 182, please.

LORELAI

Hi, Chris, it's me again. Uh... I'm at the hospital now, and, um, it was a heart attack, but dad's okay. He's just getting some tests. So, um... we're in the C.I.C.U. At John Skinner Medical Center. It's on the first floor, and there's a red stripe running down the hallway. Just please call me when you get this, okay? Thanks. [Lorelai ends the call and sits with Rory, exhales sharply] Wow.

RORY

Mm-hmm. Well, my brain wasn't up to choosing between things, so I got one of everything.

LORELAI

You do me proud. So, ah, grandma's on her way. I didn't talk to her, but the girl at the club said she's en route.

RORY

Oh, okay. And what about dad?

LORELAI

Oh, he's probably... en route.

RORY

Hmm. Is everything okay?

LORELAI

Yeah, I don't think he's gotten my messages yet, but he'll be here when he does.

RORY

Okay. Well... what is your pleasure?

LORELAI

Well, let's see. Uh... nothing sweet, I don't think.

RORY

No? A salty thing? A fluorescent-orange ersatz-cheese thing?

LORELAI

I guess I'm not hungry.

RORY

Yeah, me neither. I keep thinking this is all just a nightmare.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

But it's not.

LORELAI

No I mean it's a nightmare but not a nightmare nightmare. I know 'cause I have shoes on. In my nightmares, I never am wearing shoes.

RORY

I didn't know that.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah, It's the worst thing in the dream, too. I could be chased by snakes or in a nuclear explosion, but then I look down, and, "oh, my god! I'm not wearing shoes!"

RORY

I wonder what that means.

LORELAI

Well it probably means I have a fear of you know hurting my bare feet or fear of losing my shoes.

RORY

Hmm. Not so Freudian, huh?

LORELAI

No for me, a snake is just a snake, a slingback is just a slingback.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Gilmore?

LORELAI

Oh.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Hi. I'm Dr. Goldstein. You're Richard Gilmore's family?

LORELAI

Yes. Is he okay?

DR. GOLDSTEIN

He's doing all right. He's conscious, cogent, and not in significant pain now.

RORY

Oh, good.

LORELAI

Good.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

We just sent him to the cath lab to get an angiogram. After that, we should be able to get a better sense of what kind of blockage is around his heart. And then we'll figure out where to go from there.

LORELAI

Like where would we go?

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Uh, pardon?

LORELAI

I mean, where -- where would we go?

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Well, if the blockage is more serious, we will have to consider an emergency bypass surgery.

LORELAI

Okay.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

I promise to let you know as soon as we get the results from the cath lab. Try not to worry.

LORELAI

No, no, not worried. Just normal amount of worried you know for someone whose father's had a heart attack, but not excessively worried.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Okay

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

Okay thank you, doctor.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

I'll see you in a little bit.

LORELAI

[Sighs]

WOMAN ON PA

Dr. Battaglia, extension 198.

EMILY

Have you seen him?

LORELAI

Oh, hi, mom.

RORY

Oh no, not since he was in the E.R.

EMILY

Where is he?

LORELAI

Ah the doctor came out and said he's in the cath lab, getting an angiogram. He's gonna let us know when he's done.

EMILY

Nonsense.

RORY

Oh no It's true. He said he would come back when he had the results.

EMILY

I'm Emily Gilmore. And I would like to see my husband.

NURSE

Now lets see what is your husband's name?

EMILY

Gilmore! Richard Gilmore! I'm his wife, and I would like to see him now.

NURSE

I'm sorry he's in the cath lab right now getting an angiogram. But the doctor will come find you as soon as they're done.

EMILY

There's no need to be cheery about it.

NURSE

I didn't mean...

EMILY

Honestly someone with your chipper personality ought to be a weather girl or a preschool teacher.

NURSE

I'm sorry you feel that way.

EMILY

Oh, please. Don't mope.

EMILY

What happened to all the competent people? That's what I'd like to know. Was there some giant hole they all fell into or a virus that struck them all down, leaving the morons of the world to sit behind the desks?

LORELAI

Mum wouldn't you like to sit down, have a cup of tea?

EMILY

I don't want a cup of tea, what I want is the most perfunctory level of competence from the people with whom I interact. That apparently is far too much to ask for.

RORY

Grandma we have snacks.

LORELAI

Yes mum, snacks. We have salty snacks and sweet snacks and sweet/salty hybrid snacks.

EMILY

I mean even at the club, I'm tell you the young men and women that work there must have a combined I.Q. Of a grapefruit. You ask them for a towel, and they look at you with the most vacant eyes. I'm telling you I thought the girl at reception was blind the entire first month she worked there – blind but very enthusiastic about the application of eyeliner.

LORELAI

Sounds pretty.

EMILY

My husband has a heart attack, and how long does it take them to find me? 40 minutes. The nitwit probably got lost between the front desk and the tennis courts.

RORY

I'm sorry grandma that sounds terrible.

EMILY

I mean none of this would have been a problem if I'd been allowed to keep my cell phone. But no cell phones have been banned allegedly because of noise pollution. Well if that's the reason, they should ban John Abbott. Because I'm telling you every time that man hits a ball, he grunts like a rutting hog. [The girls look amused] I mean he's twice as loud as my cell phone. And they won't even let you leave your cell phone on vibrate, it preposterous. I mean what do they think we're doing, making drug deals?

LORELAI

I doubt that's it.

EMILY

Which, by the way, are absolutely, 100% taking place. I saw Devorah Inwood handing Cardum Kelly a small, blue pill in the ladies' locker room while they made shady eyes at each other.

LORELAI

Drug deals at the club? Mum I don't think so.

EMILY

Absolutely. The whole place is going to the dogs. Oh, and now apparently they want to start charging us for meals, on top of the king's ransom in dues. It's appalling. I mean the very idea of charging extra for the junk they serve there. Oh, and you know what really irks me?

LORELAI

Hmm?

EMILY

They very rarely serve fish.

LORELAI

That's terrible, especially for people who love fish.

EMILY

In a way it's their fault that Richard's here.

LORELAI

Mum what do you mean?

EMILY

2 1/2 months ago, I read an article that said fish has been shown to prevent heart attacks and stroke and has innumerable other health benefits.

RORY

[Sees Logan] Hey. [Goes to him and they hug as Emily continues to talk.]

EMILY

It's the omega-3 fatty acids -- that and it's an incredibly lean source of protein. So I had the maid cut out the article so I could show it to Richard. He agreed to eat more fish, but he said not for dinner. My spineless kitchen staff caved.

LOGAN

Emily, Lorelai, I'm so sorry. How are you holding up?

LORELAI

We're holding.

EMILY

Logan, it's so good of you to come.

LOGAN

Is there anything I can do? Could I get you a cup of tea maybe?

LORELAI

Oh I just asked. She doesn't want tea.

EMILY

I would love a cup of tea. That's very kind of you.

LOGAN

I'm on a tea hunt, then. That's a fine young man, Rory -- very sweet, very considerate.

RORY

I like him.

EMILY

He's one of the good ones. Lorelai, where's Christopher?

LORELAI

Oh, he's on his way.

EMILY

From where?

LORELAI

Um, uh... Dr. Goldstein.

EMILY

I'm Emily Gilmore.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Good. I'm glad you're here. The blockage is worse than we'd hoped. I think the best course of action -- really the only course of action -- is to do an emergency bypass surgery.

LORELAI

Open-heart surgery?

EMILY

Let him finish, Lorelai.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

We'd like to go into surgery as soon as possible. So now would be the time if you'd like to visit him.

RORY

Yes, yeah, we'd like to see him.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

If you'll follow me please.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have.

EMILY

Are you the one who will be performing the surgery?

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Yes, along with a team. I'll be the chief surgeon.

EMILY

And where did you go to school?

DR. GOLDSTEIN

I'm sorry?

EMILY

You did attend school, didn't you?

LORELAI

Mom.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

No, it's okay. Yes, I got my B.A. At Yale. I went to medical school at Harvard. I did my residency at Columbia Presbyterian before I became chief of cardiothoracic surgery here.

EMILY

See?

LORELAI

See what?

DR. GOLDSTEIN

Now here we are. I'll let you visit. A nurse will be by shortly to begin prepping Richard for surgery.

EMILY

Thank you, doctor.

EMILY

Richard how are you doing.

RORY

Hi grandpa

EMILY

I meet you doctor now think he's quite competent And I watched his hands closely and they're steady as a statue's. Oh, and, Richard, he's Yale undergrad, Harvard medical school.

RICHARD

You don't say. Well, if he does a good job I'll, I'll forget the Harvard part. I'll write that off as a youthful indiscretion.

EMILY

This room is rather intimate.

RICHARD

It's just fine, Emily. I promise you. Now, Rory, I'm sorry I gave you a scare in class today.

RORY

No don't be silly. I'm just glad you're okay. And you're gonna be more okay after the surgery.

RICHARD

Thank you.

LORELAI

Are you okay, dad? I mean how are you feeling, considering everything? You look okay.

RICHARD

Well all in all, I think I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

RORY

[Chuckles] Ronald Reagan.

RICHARD

Quoting W.C. Fields.

RORY

Oh, I didn't know that.

LORELAI

It would be great now. You know winter is a great time to see the Liberty Bell and the cream cheese. That's all I got on Philadelphia.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well the cheesesteaks -- the Philly cheesesteaks.

EMILY

Lorelai please, Richard, is your neck getting enough support? It looks like you need another pillow.

RICHARD

Ah I don't know I think it's all right.

EMILY

Ah you need another pillow.

LORELAI

I got it, mom.

EMILY

I can take care of it.

LORELAI

I'm just handing you a pillow.

EMILY

I don't want that pillow.

LORELAI

What wrong with this pillow.

EMILY

It doesn't have a pillowcase.

LORELAI

Yes It does. What's this, it's a pillowcase.

EMILY

Yes, it has one pillowcase. It should have two pillowcases one facing each way so the pillow is never exposed. Now I have to ring for a pillow.

LORELAI

Mother we have a pillow right here, why would...

RICHARD

Tucson.

LORELAI

What?

RICHARD

Tucson is extremely hot, and it has a dry climate that doesn't agree with me, and I really don't think much of the way they dress out there. And I have a deep aversion to cacti of all kinds. And yet Tucson is a place where I think I would rather be.

LORELAI

Anywhere but here, right, dad? Although, it's awfully dry.

RORY

And so hot.

EMILY

And you're right about the fashion -- ponchos and all that turquoise. Oh, and men in sandals. Spare me.

LUKE

So, how's it going there, Zach?

ZACH

Aces. [To customers] Pastrami on Rye -- mustard, no mayo. Cheeseburger -- Swiss, double pickles, fries. If you need anything else, just holler. My name's Zach, and, uh... I'll be your waiter.

LUKE

So you holding up okay?

ZACH

Oh yeah. I'm tell ya, I was not looking forward to filling in for Lane deal. So I was like oh no! and she's like, "it's either this, or you fill in during the whole childbirth deal."

LUKE

Which would probably be a bit more difficult.

ZACH

Yeah right plus handing out food is cake compared to having a human being come out of you -- no offense.

LUKE

None taken. You're doing a good job.

ZACH

Oh, man, I gotta tell ya it's been great. I mean, it's been enlightening. Like always In the past, I was the one sitting at the table, and now I'm the one with the notepad and the pencil.

LUKE

You're on the inside.

ZACH

It's cool.

LUKE

Don't let the power go to your head.

ZACH

No kidding. You know what was freaking me out before? I'm about to hand people the food they're going to eat, and I could do anything to it, and they would have no idea. I mean they would just eat it. Not that I would, of course, but it's just intense. Plus, everything smells so good. I can see why Lane digs this job.

LUKE

Well, your enthusiasm is appreciated.

ZACH

Right on. Hey, you have another rag? [hands him one] Cool.

BABETTE

Hey, Luke?

LUKE

Hey, Babette. What can I get you? You still stocking the jungle with snacks, whatever that means?

BABETTE

Luke, I got to tell you something. Or, I don't know if I got to, but I want to. Well it's not that I want to like it's a good thing. Lorelai's dad had a heart attack.

LUKE

[Stunned] Oh, my god.

BABETTE

Rory called Lorelai and I was there.

LUKE

Is he okay?

BABETTE

Well, he's not -- he's okay... I think... right now. They're at john skinner, and I don't know, that's all I know.

LUKE

Oh, my god.

BABETTE

Yeah I-I thought you would want to know.

LUKE

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

BABETTE

All right. Well, I'm gonna go.

LUKE

Yeah. Thanks.

ZACH

You know what it's like? Working here is like having a backstage pass at a show. It's all-access, man.

LUKE

[still in shock] Right. Right.

LORELAI

Hey, it's me again. I don't know if you got my other message. Uh... we're still here at the hospital, and, uh... dad's gonna have surgery. He's having a coronary bypass pretty soon. I just came from his room, and, um... he doesn't look bad, you know? He looks okay, considering. But, uh... he's lying down. He just -- just looks so small. It just made me think of this time. There was a tree in our yard I would always climb, and one day, I climbed up really, really high. Dad came home from work. I watched him go into the house. I thought, "he looks so small." It was so strange to see him look like that. Um... [Sighs, the phone beeps for call waiting] Anyway, I should go, but, uh... call me when you get this, okay? Bye. [switched to the other call] Hello?

SOOKIE

How are you? How is everything? What can I do?

LORELAI

Oh no it's okay. I'm okay. Um dad had a heart attack, and he's gonna have surgery. But I guess it's a pretty common operation, so...

SOOKIE

And how are you?

LORELAI

I'm okay, considering.

SOOKIE

What can I do?

LORELAI

Oh, nothing, hon. I'm fine.

SOOKIE

Well can I send you anything? You know I made lemon bars and, ooh, pecan squares, I packed them up and I'm sending them over with Katie right now.

LORELAI

Oh, that was so sweet.

MICHEL

Is that Lorelai?

SOOKIE

Yes. Her dad's in surgery, but he's fine. [Too Lorelai] How is Rory doing?

LORELAI

Rory's doing fine, thanks.

MICHEL

Tell Lorelai I say hello.

SOOKIE

Michel says hello.

LORELAI

Tell Michel I said hello.

SOOKIE

She says hello.

MICHEL

Tell Lorelai I am thinking of her father and wishing him well.

SOOKIE

He's thinking of your father and wishing him well.

LORELAI

Tell Michel "thank you."

SOOKIE

She says "thank you."

MICHEL

Tell Lorelai the Zimmerman's in room 4 are not a married couple, as we had thought, but a brother and a sister.

SOOKIE

No I'm not telling Lorelai that. She's in a hospital.

MICHEL

Tell her they requested a rollaway bed, and we do not have any rollaway beds left.

SOOKIE

I am not talking to Lorelai about rollaway beds.

MICHEL

Tell her the Zimmerman's are demanding, very big, and they need a bed!

LORELAI

The Murray's are checking out at 3:00. and he can use the bed from their room.

SOOKIE

She said you can take the rollaway bed from the Murray's. They're checking out at 3:00.

MICHEL

Ahh! Very good. Tell her "thank you."

SOOKIE

He says "thank you" and apologizes for being such a pest.

MICHEL

Tell her I miss her here very, very much!

EMILY

Well then don't stick us in the back corner next time. Oh you did you absolutely did, Anthony. I was so close to the kitchen, I could have reached in and gotten my own plate without standing up, just stretched out my arm like Rubberman, and... [Chuckles] No, no, I'm just kidding. So, tell me, what's your special tonight? Sea scallops? Oh, you're torturing me, Anthony, torturing me. Well, give my love to your wife. Oh, I will. Oh, just one of those last-minute business trips. [Lorelai doesn't look happy either] All right, then. Bye-bye.

LORELAI

Well somebody's very chipper on the phone. Somebody should consider a career as a weather girl.

EMILY

Oh please I've spent years cultivating my relationship with the maitre d' at Persephone's. I'm hardly about to let it go down the drain in one night. [Marking off a check list] "Call Persephone's" -- done. We're missing the sea scallops. Persephone's does the most wonderful job with seafood. I wish we'd eaten there more often. It's such a shame. They make a cedar-plank salmon that is -- I don't know if you like salmon.

LORELAI

Ah no, but I love a nice, juicy cedar plank.

EMILY

Salmon is one of the best fish in terms of the omega-3s. It's marvelous for you, and it makes your skin positively glow.

LORELAI

Beauty tips are not really big on my list of priorities right now, mom.

RORY

So I tell Paris, "I don't care if it would theoretically increase my chances of getting a grant to study in Russia. I am not willing to pretend to be an accomplished rhythmic gymnast."

LOGAN

How do you pretend to be a rhythmic gymnast, anyway?

RORY

I don't even know. Do you whirl around some ribbons? Balance a ball on your nose? She's taking our impending graduation with a pinch of total insanity. Logan you should answer that.

LOGAN

Nah.

RORY

It's practically buzzing off the table. Really I don't mind.

LOGAN

I'll text them back in a minute.

RORY

But you need to...

LOGAN

I don't need to do anything but be right here with you.

RORY

Well, are you sure? Aren't people gonna be mad you're not answering your phone?

LOGAN

Well that's their problem.

RORY

You know who's gonna be mad at me? Paris. Because right now, I'm missing a G.R.E. Prep course and tea with the Branford librarian.

LOGAN

I imagine she'll understand.

RORY

Um Paris?

LOGAN

Maybe you better start balancing a ball on your nose.

EMILY

I need to cancel Richard's tennis match. And I guess I'm not gonna make it to my book club tomorrow. Which is just as well -- I haven't even cracked the cover. Whatever gives Suzanna Shaw the idea that the rest of us share her barbaric interest in Cormac McCarthy is beyond me. Now let's see. I need to return the dean's call, and -- [spotting Luke] oh, no. Not him again. What's he doing here?

LORELAI

I don't know.

LUKE

Hey...

LORELAI

Hi.

LUKE

I was just in the diner. Babette came and told me your dad had a heart attack.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

I swear I didn't even know what I was doing. I just walked right out the diner and drove straight here. Now that I'm here I realize I might be in the way, but if there's anything I can do, I want to do it.

LORELAI

Uh... well...

RORY

Hi, Luke.

LUKE

Hey, Rory, Logan.

LOGAN

Want some coffee?

LUKE

No, I'm okay. Thanks very much. [back to Lorelai] Look, I don't want to cause any kind of weirdness here. I mean, I don't want to make him feel...

LORELAI

Christopher isn't here, but he will be any second, so...

LUKE

Okay I'll just get out of here.

LORELAI

I mean thanks. There's just not much for you to do.

EMILY

Oh, yes, there is, absolutely. There's plenty for you to do Luke. You can drive to the Yale campus and pick up Richard's car.

LORELAI

Mom, he can't do that.

LUKE

No it's no problem.

EMILY

I'm not exactly sure where it's parked, but it shouldn't be too hard to find. Check the faculty lot and wherever they have parking. It's a 2006 jaguar. It's green. Oh, and I think it's a little low on gas. [Lorelai looking upset at Emily] So if you wouldn't mind filling the tank on the way back to the house, that would be great.

LUKE

Okay sure.

EMILY

Okay I'll get the key.

LORELAI

Mum is he supposed to drive the car to the house, then what take a cab all the way back to Yale to get his truck?

EMILY

I have no objection to that.

LUKE

Seriously It's no problem.

EMILY

See, now fill it with premium, not whatever sludge they try to pass off as regular.

LUKE

Premium, you got it.

EMILY

You do know how to drive a European car, don't you?

LORELAI

Mom.

LUKE

Absolutely. Don't worry.

EMILY

There's nothing to yank. It's a jaguar, not a lawn mower.

LORELAI

Oh, my god!

EMILY

Now just leave the key with Soledad. And... here. You can keep the change.

LUKE

oh Emily thanks, really, really, it's my pleasure.

EMILY

If you insist. If you don't mind terribly, I need someone to make sure that the path to the front door is shoveled.

LORELAI

Mother, stop.

EMILY

[Answering her cell phone] Hello? Oh, hello. You got my message about the fish.

LORELAI

Sorry. We're all a little... and she read an article about how fish can prevent heart attacks. Now she thinks it's the key to everything.

LUKE

Ah well, fish is good.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

All right, I should get going.

LORELAI

Okay. Well, thanks.

EMILY

Yes! Goodbye! [end phone call] Another incompetent. Lorelai go and get Luke back. I need him to bring a check for the fish man.

LORELAI

Mom I'm not. He's done enough already. Why don't you reschedule the fish man for later in the week.

EMILY

Because this is important.

LORELAI

It's important to have fish at the house right now?

RORY

Well Logan and I can meet the fish man, with the check if you want.

EMILY

Oh that would be marvelous.

RORY

Okay I want to get some of grandpa's stuff so he has it when he wakes up.

LORELAI

Wait a minute I'll do that.

RORY

Do what?

LORELAI

You pay the fish man, and I'll get some of grandpa's stuff.

RORY

Oh mum that's silly. They're in the same place.

LORELAI

Yes but then we'll both have a job. You have a job and I have a job.

RORY

Yeah but going to grandma and grandpa's is one job. Somebody needs to look after grandma.

LORELAI

Fine.

RORY

I mean if you really want...

LORELAI

No fine, she's my mother.

RORY

Well, you're my mother.

LORELAI

Exactly. It's a tangled web.

EMILY

Here you go, Logan. Now have him put the Salmon, Swordfish, King Mackerel, and Tuna in the downstairs freezer and the Trout, Sea Bass, Snapper, and Bluefish in the butler's pantry.

LOGAN

Salmon, Swordfish, King Mackerel, Tuna downstairs. Trout, sea bass, snapper, Bluefish upstairs. If you rode in the ambulance, you and I don't have a car here.

LORELAI

Oh take it before I change my mind. [Hands Rory the Jeeps keys] Level 3.

RORY

Thanks. Bye.

LORELAI

Bye. I'll be here doing my job.

RORY

How come you don't have a car?

LOGAN

Well I came by chopper.

RORY

Chopper motorcycle or chopper helicopter?

LOGAN

Helicopter.

RORY

You came here in a helicopter?

LOGAN

Yep. [voices fade as they walk away]

EMILY

Oh, I do need to call Quentin. I wonder if they have a fax machine here. And I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

LORELAI

I don't know, probably. I should be. Don't feel hungry.

EMILY

Alright then we should get something to eat. But first, I want to see if those addled nurses will allow me to use their fax machine.

LORELAI

[Looks at her phone for any messages, then sighs when she sees none]

BABETTE

[Grunts]

LORELAI

Hello?

BABETTE

It's me -- Babette. How you doing, sweetie?

LORELAI

Oh, hey. I'm okay.

BABETTE

What's the news with your dad?

LORELAI

Well he's in surgery right now, but we think he's gonna be okay.

BABETTE

Oh yeah, I'm sure. Don't you worry about a thing. He's a very vital man you dad -- lots of chi, you know?

LORELAI

Oh... really? I didn't know you noticed his chi.

BABETTE

Are you kidding me? Prana, chi, life force -- whatever you call it, your daddy's got it in spades. Sexy men like him often do. That's what makes them so sexy. They're ripe with life.

LORELAI

O-kay.

BABETTE

He's gonna be fine.

LORELAI

Thanks, Babette.

BABETTE

He's like Warren Beatty, your dad -- or Sean Connery or -- who's that one I always found so sexy? The evil politician with the glasses -- Henry Kissinger!

LORELAI

Oh yeah I know him.

BABETTE

You might not agree with his politics. You might have lived through Vietnam and thought, "wow that man is the devil," but you can't deny he's sexy. You know why? Chi.

LORELAI

I get it. So, how's Paul Anka?

BABETTE

Oh, yeah, he's great, just great.

LORELAI

What's wrong?

BABETTE

I don't want to bother you.

LORELAI

Go ahead.

BABETTE

Oh, nothing to worry about. It's just... I'm afraid his bladder's gonna explode. I can't get him to come with me. I'm sure he needs to relieve himself, but it's a no-go. He's a no-go.

LORELAI

Oh Babette I should have told you he's probably afraid of the porch steps. You just lay something down for him.

BABETTE

Oh, yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah.

BABETTE

Wow! Yeah, that worked great. Wow. He's got some chi of his own, this one. Ooh. Only problem is...

LORELAI

What?

BABETTE

Nothing, nothing. It's just a little cold without my coat, that's all. Not your concern. So um, sweetie, if you need anything else, you'll call me?

LORELAI

Okay, I'll call you.

BABETTE

Okay. Give my love to your father.

LORELAI

I will, Babette. Hey, thanks for calling.

BABETTE

Oh, sure thing, hon. Bye.

LOGAN

Uh-huh, right. No, it's not a problem. It's perfectly understandable. So from there you want to take a right on Sycamore, left onto old Sawbrook, and then... that's right. No, I mean a left into the driveway. I mean that's correct -- making a left. I mean, a left is the correct choice. Right. That's correct, I mean. Okay, great. Great. Alright we'll be here. See you soon.

RORY

Well sounds like Abbott and Costello got nothing on you and the fish man.

LOGAN

You liked the "right/right" business? It could use polish, but me and the fish man have plans to bring back vaudeville.

RORY

Oh I'm gonna book the Palace theater, "Logan and the fish man".

LOGAN

"The fish man and Logan."

RORY

He gets top billing?

LOGAN

He's the one who can juggle. [Logan's cell phone starts to vibrate] Anyway the snow delayed him, but he should be here in 15 minutes.

RORY

Okay, I think your blackberry is going to explode.

LOGAN

Ah it's business stuff -- nothing that can't keep.

RORY

Business stuff, huh? Business stuff that has to do with the chopper you flew in on?

LOGAN

We don't have to talk about it now.

RORY

Oh come on I'm interested. I want to know. And also, I could really use the distraction. Besides, I want to make sure you haven't stolen a chopper.

LOGAN

I didn't steal it, it was loaned to me by a hedge-fund manager.

RORY

Ohh, well...

LOGAN

I was at his country home in Montauk when you called, and he just...

RORY

Loaned you his chopper, as they say.

LOGAN

Pretty much.

RORY

Well I think loaning someone your chopper is a sign of trust in many cultures. That sounds like a good sign.

LOGAN

Yeah, I think it is a good sign.

RORY

So come on what do you need funding for? Just tell me something. I don't want to be nosy, but I'm really interested. Come on. Come on.

LOGAN

Okay, you asked for it, so here it goes. I want to buy another Internet company.

RORY

I see.

LOGAN

It's a web-based, interactive-media platform. This guy in Austin created it. And it's amazing, and fast, and so easy to use, that even I can use it. The idea is to build on the web presence we have and then turn into ourselves into a user-generated media hub where the members can share videos, articles, ideas anything.

RORY

That sounds like a good idea.

LOGAN

Yeah and it's a deal, too. The guy who created this platform is such a true blue computer geek, that he just wants to get started on his next project, so he's willing to sell for only $5 million.

RORY

Oh, only.

LOGAN

I know. I know. But in this world, that's relatively cheap. I mean Chad Hurley and Steve Chen sold YouTube for $1.65 billion, and who knows how much Mark Zuckerberg will get for Facebook?

RORY

Well yeah, comparatively.

LOGAN

Anyway so I'm planning on putting up $3 million of my own money. And I'm just trying to line up a hedge fund to kick in the other $2 million.

RORY

You have $3 million?

LOGAN

Yeah, in my trust fund.

RORY

Yeah but I thought this was a business thing, I mean haven't you asked your dad? I thought you were working for him.

LOGAN

I went to him I pitched him the idea, and he rejected it. I have to move fast I have to take this deal off the market before one of the big-dog companies sniff me out and try to outbid me. You still want to take this chess thing?

RORY

Yeah, we should. Well, you sound really excited.

LOGAN

I am. It's exciting. The economies of scale are incredible. I just need to prove out the business model first.

RORY

Yeah and the barriers to switching for your current clientele will probably increase, too.

LOGAN

Yes exactly that's what my father doesn't understand. The opportunity cost of not doing it is that somebody else will, and the barriers to switching -- hey.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Are actually you using business-speak? Are we speaking businessese?

RORY

I believe we are.

LOGAN

Color me impressed.

RORY

I take economics.

LOGAN

Sure, with professor Gilmore.

RORY

Yeah. We learned about ideal business theory last semester. I'm actually really enjoying his class. I've learned a lot. He's a really good teacher, which isn't always a given, you know. I mean some smart people can't translate their smarts to other people, but he is really good at explaining things, and he makes you want to learn more. Next week, we're gonna split up into 10 groups, and each of us have to create a business plan.

LOGAN

Like "The Apprentice."

RORY

Yeah and he's gonna be like Donald Trump, which is ridiculous. [Logan chuckles] Actually, we don't know what's gonna go on next week, do we?

LOGAN

I guess not. But it's good -- you got him a bunch of stuff to read.

EMILY

I hardly know what anything is. That pale misshapen thing, is that a sandwich or a piece of chicken.

LORELAI

Maybe it's a chicken sandwich, oh no it's Quiche.

EMILY

That's a Quiche?

LORELAI

Quiche.

EMILY

That blobby white thing is suppose to be Quiche Lorraine.

LORELAI

Doesn't say it's Quiche Lorraine, maybe it's Quiche blobby white thing.

EMILY

The audacity charging money for this.

LORELAI

Well it's hospital food.

EMILY

What's that suppose to mean?

LORELAI

I'm just saying it's a cliché.

EMILY

What is?

LORELAI

Hospital food being bad.

EMILY

Exactly!

LORELAI

What.

EMILY

It's a cliché for a reason, clichés are just true things people are tired of being true. Like a "penny saved is a penny earned", well it is invested wisely.

LORELAI

I don't think that's a cliché mom.

EMILY

What do you mean, of course it's a cliché.

LORELAI

It's not a cliché its more an over used saying like um "Sweating bullets" or "It's as cold as ice".

EMILY

Well some over used sayings are true, like "Children should be seen and not heard".

LORELAI

"Mother knows best"

EMILY

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"

EMILY

Hello, oh Quentin hello.

EMILY

No I'm not busy at all, you haven't interrupted a thing, thank you for returning my call so promptly. Oh that's very kind Quentin, that's right, yes. Oh I'm fine, thank you. Listen it's been a while since some of the paperwork, yes I was wonder if you could fax some things over here to the hospital, I think I have access to a machine. Well the first thing I'd like you to fax is his will. [Lorelai looks surprised] That's right both the standard Will and the living Will. Well I'm not sure about the DNR provisions he established. Oh that would be wonderful, thank you Quentin, talk to you soon bye.

LORELAI

Mom who was that?

EMILY

Do we like this table or are we too close to that man with the IV. Honestly shouldn't there be a separate dining area for sick people, doesn't seem right.

LORELAI

Mother you're getting dads will faxed here?

EMILY

Yes.

LORELAI

Why you need to read it right now?

EMILY

Well yes.

LORELAI

You want to make sure he left you the Mercedes and Jag?

EMILY

I don't care what you think I'm being pragmatic.

LORELAI

You know what, I'm not hungry any more.

FISH MAN

Yeah, that's a good one.

LOGAN

[Laughing] Yeah, all right.

RORY

Here's this. I also found a bunch of his albums -- Bobby Short singing Cole Porter, a couple of his favorite Gershwin ones -- "Rhapsody in Blue" and "An American in Paris" -- also a couple of Scott Joplin records, although Scott Joplin might be a little zazzly for the hospital.

LOGAN

Yeah, I don't know what their policy about ragtime is.

RORY

Oh, I also found "Chuck Berry at the Fillmore," which I gave him for his 60th birthday. Also, a little Schubert and Debussy, which should be nice and relaxing. Although I didn't find the Bing Crosby album I wanted. It's with his son Gary. It's this song called "When You and I were Young, Maggie Blues." And when grandpa hears it he sings along and says, "I always wanted to be a crooner."

LOGAN

Maggie Blues, you want me to help you look?

RORY

Well I looked, I looked in two closets and under a couch, and all I found was the sleeve. I mean I could take it just for decoration, but then it might underline the fact that we don't have "Maggie Blues."

LOGAN

Yeah I'd bring it.

RORY

Yeah?

LOGAN

Yeah. So the fish man successfully unloaded all the fish per your grandmother's request.

RORY

Oh good and everything worked out with the check?

LOGAN

Yep, the fish man was happy because I laughed at his C.O.D. Joke.

RORY

Hmm?

LOGAN

C-o-d -- cod.

RORY

Ohh.

LOGAN

Yeah, just like that.

RORY

Hmm. That fish man, he's a funny one.

LOGAN

Believe me, I know. I'm Hardy to his Laurel.

RORY

Okay we have a deck of cards, we have the chessboard. We have what I think is a backgammon set. I grabbed grandma two outfits, grabbed her a pair of pants because I wanted her to be comfortable, but then I thought that might be offensive to her.

LOGAN

Offensive how?

RORY

I have no idea. So then I grabbed a skirt, but then that opened up the whole stockings, pantyhose, "going through my grandma's underwear drawer" can of worms. And each outfit needs a different top and a pair of shoes. Do you want to know who rivals Imelda Marcos?

LOGAN

Emily Gilmore?

RORY

It's unbelievable. No biped needs that many pairs of shoes. Oh do you know what else I wanted to grab? By grandpa's bed, there is a bookmarked copy of "A Monetary History of the United States."

LOGAN

Because who doesn't love Milton Friedman?

RORY

Well I saw Milton Friedman's name on the syllabus, so I though maybe he'd want it.

LOGAN

Hey!

RORY

What, what's that?

LOGAN

Bing Crosby and Gary Crosby.

RORY

Oh, no way!

LOGAN

It was in the wrong sleeve. He can croon with "Maggie Blues."

RORY

Oh, perfect.

LOGAN

Alright I'm gonna start loading this stuff in the car.

RORY

Okay. Logan?

LOGAN

Ace.

RORY

Thank you. Thank you so much for everything.

LOGAN

Of course. But you don't have to thank me. There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

EMILY

There you are. I've been looking for you everywhere.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Oh, yeah?

EMILY

I just got these faxed, and...

LORELAI

Oh mum please, can we drop this?

EMILY

I need to verify your social-security number.

LORELAI

I don't want to give you my social-security number right now. Why don't you help me pick out a little gift for dad.

EMILY

What do you think I'm trying to do, run a con, steal your identity?

LORELAI

No mum I've just had enough of talking about social securities and wills, okay?

EMILY

Your father's lawyer faxed these over from the bank, and I need your social-security number.

LORELAI

You have got to be kidding me.

EMILY

What would I be kidding about?

LORELAI

You're acting like dad is dead. Dad is not dead.

EMILY

Lorelai, six years ago, when your father was in the hospital, we were completely unprepared, and we agreed to never let that happen again. So we made a plan, and I am simply following through on the plan.

LORELAI

So your plan was to chat up Persephone's to make sure you don't lose your special table and to order tons of swordfish and salmon to keep your skin glowing and to happily discuss with Quentin whether or not dad should be resuscitated?

EMILY

These are things that need to be dealt with.

LORELAI

No what has to be dealt with is that dad could be dying. What you're dealing with is phone calls and a checklist. You're not his secretary. You're his wife.

EMILY

Yes and what do you know about being a wife? You've been married for what -- 40 days? That's nothing. Your father and I have been married for over 40 years. For 2/3 of my life, I have been the wife of Richard Gilmore. I run his household. I plan his meals. I buy his clothes, entertain his business associates. When he loses his reading glasses, I find them. When he wants a nightcap. I make it for him. If he can't remember the name of a colleague's wife, I whisper it in his ear. That's what I do -- I take care of him. That's my job. That's who I am. If I could be performing his surgery right now, I would be, but I can't -- it's out of my hands. [Voice breaking] It's out of my hands, and there's nothing I can do but wait. I could lose him, Lorelai. He's my whole life, and there's nothing I can do!

LORELAI

Mom.

EMILY

I'm sorry. This is inappropriate.

LORELAI

No, it's not. It's fine.

EMILY

[Sniffles] Oh, god, I'm a mess. [Sniffles] Did you just take those?

LORELAI

Don't worry about it. Pay for it later.

EMILY

[Sighs]

EMILY

Just a few more?

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. [handing out some milk duds] They're good, right?

EMILY

They stick in your teeth. [eating one] But, yes, they are good. Are there any more?

LORELAI

Are you kidding? There's a ton.

EMILY

Not too many.

LORELAI

Oh mum there's no such thing.

EMILY

I wonder why they call them "duds."

LORELAI

I don't know. Do you guys know?

LOGAN

Nope.

RORY

I could make something up, but no.

EMILY

Seems a rather counterintuitive name for a type of candy.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

So, he's out of surgery, and it went extremely well. His recovery won't be immediate. He still has several days here at the hospital. But we can go over more of that later. He's groggy now and tired. After he gets some rest, you can all visit with him, but for now, maybe just his wife.

EMILY

Thank you, doctor.

LORELAI

Tell dad "Hi" from us, mom.

EMILY

I will, Lorelai. [hands back the duds]

EMILY

Everything's in order, you'll be glad to know. I called Harold Larkin and the chairman of the economics department. They both send their best wishes for a speedy recovery. I canceled our dinner reservations for the next couple of weeks. Oh and I sent regrets to Sarah Osgood, who's hosting the D.A.R. Spring fling this year. I left word for the Sudburys that we won't be able to host bridge this week. [Chuckles] Uh, what else? Oh, and I've been in touch with Quentin. He's been kept abreast of the whole situation. And I bought fish, Richard, so much fish -- uh, Tuna and Trout and Snapper and Salmon and...

RICHARD

[Drowsily] Sounds just fine, Emily. That sounds just fine.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Hi, it's me -- again. Um, dad's out of surgery, and it went well, and he's doing fine, so... it's good news. I just -- I wanted you to know... because... I don't know why. 'Cause you haven't returned any of my calls. But I just thought I would, uh, tell you what's going on because... I'm your wife and... I think that's what I'm supposed to do. No idea how to be your wife, but I'm trying. You're my husband, you know, and... it seems like you should be here or call me back. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what married people do, is be there for each other. But I know you're upset, and I know we had a fight, but this is just bigger than that, you know? It's my dad, and he's had a heart attack. And everybody's been here. I mean, I've talked to Sookie and even Michel and Patty and Babette, and they've all been here for me, but... [Exhales sharply] My husband's... not here. That's not okay, Chris, you know? It's not okay.

RORY

Here we go -- a little "Maggie Blues." [&quoquot;Maggie blues" plays]

RICHARD

Ahh.

RORY

[Chuckles] That is Bing and Gary Crosby.

LORELAI

Bing, why doesn't anybody name their kid "Bing" anymore?

RORY

You could have named me "Bing."

LORELAI

I thought about it but you didn't look like a Bing.

RORY

I don't even know if I should be insulted.

RICHARD

I wish I were a crooner.

RORY

I also brought you some Gershwin, some Chuck Berry, and the Andrews Sisters. Ooh, and some Milton Friedman.

LORELAI

The guy who sang "Spirit in the Sky"?

RICHARD

No, that was Norman Greenbaum.

RORY

No, Milton Friedman's the economist who won the Nobel prize in the '70s. I figured when you're sick of reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, you can pick up Friedman for a real mystery and deduce the disadvantages of government intervention in economic policy.

LORELAI

So what do you say, dad -- here or Philadelphia? What's the call?

RICHARD

I don't think I'd like to be in Philadelphia. I think I'd rather be in New Haven.

LORELAI

Yeah, it's okay here. We can import cream cheese and cheesesteaks and any other kind of cheese. You look good, dad. This outfit's not really up to your usual J. Press standards, unless it's got some brass buttons I can't see, but... you look good. You look tall.

RICHARD

I think I'm just gonna... close my eyes for... just a little minute.

RORY

Is he asleep?

LORELAI

I think so. Should we draw a mustache on him?

RORY

He's already got a mustache.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah. The music's nice.

RORY

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

LORELAI

Hey, Rory?

RORY

Hey, mom?

LORELAI

You know, I'm glad to see you doing so well with Logan. I'm happy that you're happy. Thanks. He's not half bad, that kid. He's almost okay.

RORY

Yeah, he's all right. [Chuckles] Hey, uh, mom?

LORELAI

Hey, uh, Rory?

RORY

Um, do you... know where dad is?

LORELAI

No, hon. For all I know, maybe he's in Philadelphia.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

So we should be able to move him out of the C.I.C.U. In 24 hours. And if everything goes as planned, he should be home in five or six days.

EMILY

Everything will go as planned. I'm sure of it.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

now if you like I can show you the room where we'll be moving Richard tomorrow.

EMILY

Absolutely, does it have a window? The room he's in has a window so small, it's almost a peephole.

DR. GOLDSTEIN

I believe it does have a window.

LORELAI

[spotting Luke] Go ahead. I'll be right there.

RORY

Okay, mom.

LUKE

Make sure they get it, just be careful of this bag here, 'cause it's leaking a little bit.

LORELAI

Hey, you're back.

LUKE

Oh. Hey. I just I didn't want to bug you. I just wanted to drop off some food for you guys and get going.

LORELAI

Luke you didn't have to do that.

LUKE

No it's all right. Just I wanted to make some stuff anyway, so... all right, I'm gonna get out of here now.

LORELAI

He's okay. The surgery went well.

LUKE

Oh, that's terrific. That is such good news.

LORELAI

He's doing really well they think he'll be able to go home in a couple days.

LUKE

Oh, that's so good. Yeah. So, how's he looking?

LORELAI

Um... he looks good... big... tall.

LUKE

That's good. Yeah, he's tall. He's a big man. He is a big, tall man.

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, excuse me.

NURSE

Can I help you?

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, I'm looking for Richard Gilmore.

NURSE

And you are?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm his son-in-law.

NURSE

Okay he's in room B-10. It's just down the hall. Take a right at the nurses' station.

CHRISTOPHER

Is he, uh...

NURSE

the surgery went really well. He's resting comfortably, He's gonna be fine.

CHRISTOPHER

Okay good. Alright so down the hall, right?

NURSE

Yeah.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you.

LUKE

Okay so look, I got a couple of burgers, assortment of sandwiches. There's some salads in case all of a sudden you want to eat some salad.

LORELAI

Mm hmm.

LUKE

All right, couple pieces of pie, half a dozen chocolate-chip cookies, and, of course, there is the fish bag.

LORELAI

You brought a fish bag?

LUKE

Well I heard somebody talking about fish. There's two fillets, okay, Lobster roll, fish tacos, two Tuna-fish sandwiches, some fried fish, and fish sticks.

LORELAI

[seeing Chris] Hi. You're here.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm here.

LUKE

All right, I'm gonna get going.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, you should.

LUKE

I'm glad your dad's doing good.

LORELAI

Why didn't you call me? I didn't think you were coming.

CHRISTOPHER

Clearly.

LORELAI

No, he just brought food. I didn't call him.

CHRISTOPHER

I don't want to talk about this here...

LORELAI

What...

CHRISTOPHER

Not now.

RORY

Dad. Hey.

EMILY

Christopher, I'm so glad you're here.

CHRISTOPHER

Of course, of course. I'm so glad to hear that Richard's okay. How you doing, kiddo?

RORY

I'm okay. I think we're gonna go visit grandpa again. Do you want to come? I'm sure he'd be happy to see you.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah that'd be great.

RORY

Okay, come on.

EMILY

It'll be all right. Every cloud has a silver lining.

LORELAI

Thanks, mom.

EMILY

Well, blood is thicker than water.

LORELAI

Hmm.