T7E14: “Farewell, My Pet”

LORELAI

You're looking good, dad. I'd say you shaved a few minutes off your last lap. If I had to guess, I'd think you're clocking in at about a 45-minute mile, which puts you just behind Mrs. Abalone.

EMILY

Lorelai, really.

RICHARD

I think that's an unfair comParison. Mrs. Abalone had her bypass two whole days before mine.

LORELAI

No, no, no excuses. Your just gonna have to dig a little deeper.

RORY

Come on grandpa, just visualize Mrs. Abalone eating your dust.

EMILY

Rory, honestly.

RICHARD

No, it's all right. [Richard walks faster] How's this?

LORELAI

Wow, I would say we have a new slow-walk leader in the cardiac-recovery wing. Hey, do you hear that? [makes a sound]

RORY

What, the crowd cheering?

LORELAI

Whoo!

RORY

Yeah, grandpa!

EMILY

Would you two stop? You're making a scene.

LORELAI

[using here hand as microphone] Mr. Gilmore, congratulations on your recent victory. Any opinions about the allegations of steroid use among your fellow athletes?

RICHARD

Well I consider myself proof positive that it can be done... and done clean.

EMILY

Richard, must you encourage them?

RORY

Well excuse me, Emily. I'm getting a little stir crazy in this place.

EMILY

Well you'll be getting out of here soon enough. Oh, I forgot to tell you -- Kate and Daniel Urman called to send their regards.

RORY

Oh, hey, Mr. Gavelle.

LORELAI

Looking good, Ira.

EMILY

Well they sent a lovely floral arrangement to the house. Although personally I find white roses a little uninspiring. I think my favorite arrangement is still the one that Christopher sent. It was very tasteful and appropriate and so colorful. I mean, we're not in mourning, for heaven's sake. I'm getting very tired of white flowers. You thanked him for us?

LORELAI

Uh, yeah. Hey, so you know that young guy who's been visiting Miss Santiago in room 236? Not her son. Her boyfriend.

RORY

No!

LORELAI

Yes.

RICHARD

Girls, I don't think that's any of our business.

EMILY

But he's at least 20 years younger than she is. 32 according to the night nurse.

RORY

32?

EMILY

He's just a boy. What could they possibly have to talk about?

LORELAI

I don't think they're doing a whole lot of talking, if you know what I mean.

EMILY

I most certainly do not know what you mean.

RICHARD

All right, that's enough. Rory, when are you heading back to Yale?

LORELAI

Oh yeah you should hit the road, huh?

RICHARD

Yeah, now remember, you owe me a full report on the T.A. That's taking over my spot. The whole semester should concentrate on microeconomics, so if this Culbertson fellow even mentions Ben Bernanke, give me a call.

RORY

I promise I will. But actually I was thinking maybe I'd hang out here with you guys a little longer and go back next week.

LORELAI

What?

EMILY

Don't be silly, Rory.

RICHARD

You're going back today.

RORY

I've only missed two days.

LORELAI

Two days? That's plenty.

RORY

But it's just the beginning of school. It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal.

LORELAI

It is a very big deal. Plus, we already decided.

RORY

Well yeah gut haven't you ever decided something and then changed your mind?

LORELAI

[Just to Rory] Honey, listen, everything is gonna be fine. Grandpa's doing great. There's no reason for you to stay.

RORY

Well what if he needs something?

LORELAI

Grandma has got this place wired. She's already slipped the nurses something to keep the ice chips coming. Really, he's fine.

RORY

Okay well what about you?

LORELAI

What about me?

RORY

Well I don't want you to have to go home alone.

LORELAI

Oh, I'm fine.

RORY

Yeah but dad hasn't been home.

LORELAI

Well, he's with Gigi At his mom's.

RORY

Okay, but for how long?

LORELAI

I don't know, honey. He just said he needed some time.

RORY

How much time?

LORELAI

He didn't say. L-look, I've had my hands full here, so I really didn't want to get into it over the phone.

RORY

Well do you want me to call him and just see what's going on?

LORELAI

Absolutely not.

RORY

Well, what is his problem? I mean it was just a character reference.

LORELAI

Hey, don't worry about it. It's between me and your dad. And we're gonna work it out, okay?

RORY

Okay.

LORELAI

"Okay" like you're gonna go back to school like our original deal?

RORY

I will go back to school. However, for future reference, the next time we have a conversation where I say, "maybe Friday," that does not mean that we have struck a deal.

LORELAI

See I remember you saying "absolutely, definitely, positively Friday."

RORY

Oh, so it's you know, your word against mine?

LORELAI

It's a classic case of she said, she said.

RORY

Hmm.

LORELAI

Hi, Mrs. Santiago.

RORY

Her boyfriend, really?

LORELAI

She's got a nice butt.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

What? It's the hospital gowns. Believe me. I wish I did not know that.

MALE STAFF

You're back.

LORELAI

I'm back, thanks for the call.

CHRISTY

Hey, how's your dad?

LORELAI

Oh he's great, thanks. How was the Wilson wedding? I can't believe she added 15 people at the last minute.

CHRISTY

I know right it took us an hour to get the extra rooms ready, but we sent welcome baskets up like you said, and everyone seemed fine.

LORELAI

Even the mother-in-law?

CHRISTY

She was awful.

LORELAI

She's a beast.

LORELAI

Hey!

SOOKIE

There she is!

LORELAI

yeah.

SOOKIE

So?

LORELAI

Well, he made his nurse go get him a wall street journal this morning.

SOOKIE

That's good! That's a good sign!

LORELAI

Yeah, he's doing better. And hey thanks for the cookies. They were a big hit.

SOOKIE

Oh, good. [Giggles] With these cravings, all I feel like cooking is chili with cayenne pepper and extra onions, but I didn't think chili with cayenne peppers and extra onions, cookies would go over well with your parents.

LORELAI

Well tell them it's exotic and expensive, and they'll love it.

SOOKIE

The little one has a spicy palate, huh? Yeah, except for the cauliflower thing. He or she has got a huge cauliflower thing.

LORELAI

Also not a good cookie. [Too Michel] Oh, hi.

MICHEL

Hello, Lorelai. Welcome back.

LORELAI

Thanks. What's with the dog?

SOOKIE

Yeah why is that here?

MICHEL

I assume you're talking about Paw-Paw.

SOOKIE

I'm talking about the furry thing that you know you're not supposed to bring to work due to the fact that many of our guests do not enjoy finding dog hairs in their Lobster bisque.

MICHEL

I had no choice but to bring him in today. Paw-Paw could not be left alone. His brother Chin-Chin passed away last night.

LORELAI

Michel, I'm so sorry.

MICHEL

Paw-Paw is beside himself.

SOOKIE

I'm really sorry, Michel.

MICHEL

You didn't even like him.

SOOKIE

Sure, I did. That little guy!

MICHEL

You called him a walking flea circus.

LORELAI

Yeah. Chin-Chin was a wonderful dog, Michel.

MICHEL

Thank you.

SOOKIE

Yeah, yeah. Remember at the labor day picnic, I dropped my sandwich, and I was like, "oh, great, now I've got to clean this all up." And Chin-Chin just came in and scooped it up, and saved me that trip.

MICHEL

That was Paw-Paw.

SOOKIE

What? No!

MICHEL

[getting angry] I was standing right there. That was Paw-Paw who ate your sandwich. Chin-Chin didn't even like barbecue.

SOOKIE

Oh, well, still.

MICHEL

[more angry] Still what?! Are your two stinky little children interchangeable?

SOOKIE

[now angry also] Hey! Excuse me!

LORELAI

What Sookie means to say and what I mean to say is we're very sorry for your loss.

MICHEL

Thank you, Lorelai. He was always such a sweet little dog. What a personality. So warm.

LORELAI

Warm. Yes. And, um, fuzzy and...

MICHEL

I just can't believe he's gone. It doesn't feel real. I miss him so much.

LORELAI

Well, you should have a memorial or something.

SOOKIE

Yeah, that's a good idea.

MICHEL

Oh. I suppose it is.

LORELAI

Yeah it'll give you and Paw-Paw a chance to say goodbye.

MICHEL

That might be nice. Could you do it by tomorrow?

LORELAI

Me? What?

MICHEL

If you're going to put together a memorial, it should be soon.

LORELAI

Uh... yeah, sure. Tomorrow would be fine.

MICHEL

All right, that sounds fine. Well, I guess I should get started on the guest list. There are so many people who will want to pay their respects. Paw-Paw, come on.

LORELAI

Any objections to holding a chow funeral, speak now, although it's already too late.

SOOKIE

Oh it's a nice idea, though. He was so upset.

LORELAI

Yeah.

SOOKIE

I could have sworn the sandwich dog was Chin-Chin.

LORELAI

It was hard to tell the difference between them. They were both so...

SOOKIE

Aloof.

LORELAI

I was gonna say obnoxious.

SOOKIE

Well that too.

LORELAI

I think Chin-Chin was the one who was aloof, obnoxious, and a biter.

SOOKIE

That's right.

LORELAI

Yeah.

PARIS

AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT

PARIS

Oh, good. You're back.

RORY

Yeah, I'm back.

PARIS

I went to the Sigma Chi party without you. I was going to wait, but I didn't know when you'd be back, so I decided to just go ahead and do it.

RORY

Well, that's fine, Paris.

PARIS

I know it's fine. It was on the schedule. What was I supposed to do, stop my life because you were gone?

RORY

Ah no, but I'm glad that you went. Um, that's great. How was it?

PARIS

Asinine. You didn't miss anything. Here, I wrote a summary. And here's your mail. I flagged your bills.

RORY

Oh, thanks, Paris.

PARIS

So, how are you?

RORY

Oh, I'm okay.

PARIS

And Richard?

RORY

Oh he's really good. They're gonna keep him for another night, then he should be able to go home.

PARIS

It was a myocardial infarction?

RORY

Yeah, a heart attack.

PARIS

Is he going on beta blockers?

RORY

I don't know.

PARIS

If he can tolerate them, he should. They reduce the risk of death following a heart attack by about 25%. Of course he'll have to implement a few lifestyle changes, but you tell him if Bill Clinton can give up cheese fries and pork grits, he can get by without his 5:00 martini.

RORY

I will pass that along.

PARIS

Good. Anyway, I'm glad he's okay.

RORY

Yeah, me too. That was scary.

PARIS

I'll bet. [pause] So, I downloaded your reading lists, and I went to the bookstore and hid copies of your books so you wouldn't get stuck buying used ones with some idiot's comments in the margins. And here, I made you a copy of the notes from our "history of feminism" seminar since you missed the first class.

RORY

Oh, thanks, Paris. What's with the blacked-out section?

PARIS

Well I'm happy to share the things the teacher said to the general public, but I'm not about to share my insights into the material.

RORY

Mmm.

PARIS

Don't give me that look. If there's one thing I learned in that lecture it's there's not room for many women at the top.

RORY

Gloria Steinem would be so proud.

PARIS

Whatever. The facts speak for themselves. Nadine Strossen is the head of the ACLU, not Nadine Strossen and her very best friend. Oh, we're supposed to choose a paper topic by Friday, but I'm sure you can swing an extension if you play the grandfather card.

RORY

I will have a topic picked. I don't need to play the grandfather card because my grandfather is fine.

PARIS

Okay. So, are you ready to trade?

RORY

Trade what?

PARIS

Résumés. It's on the schedule. We're supposed to trade résumés today and get back to each other by tomorrow morning with questions or comments.

RORY

I forgot. I've been at the hospital for two days.

PARIS

So much for not playing the grandfather card.

RORY

No, there's no card. I just mean that I haven't gotten around to it. I will get you my résumé by tomorrow.

PARIS

Fine. By "résumé" you mean "résumés," right?

RORY

How many do we need?

PARIS

I have 21 versions, each one tailored to a particular job in a particular field -- grad school, law school, med school, fellowships, jobs on newspapers, jobs on the business side of newspapers, jobs working for multimedia conglomerations, jobs working for quote unquote "the little guy," jobs in the public sector, I.E. Internships in Washington, for which there are three different versions based on whether or not I'm applying to work for a democrat, a republican, or a Joe Lieberman.

RORY

Wow. [Sees a box on the counter] When did this get here?

PARIS

Yesterday. Anyway, like I was saying it's important to tailor your résumés to your potential employers. You think Harvard law school is looking for the same skill set as NASA?

RORY

[Starts opening the box] Probably not. Funnily enough, neither Harvard law school nor NASA are on my list. So, I'll get you my résumés tonight. Oh, look, it's from Logan -- second-semester senior survival kit. There's a datebook and a stress ball, a magnetic poetry kit, bags and bags of coffee beans, something called an inspirational marble keepsake with the words "anything's possible" engraved on it. Don't worry. I'll keep it in my room.

PARIS

Oh! This is a beer funnel. I saw one at the party last night.

RORY

Logan, thank you.

LOGAN

You got the package?

RORY

Yeah, finally someone gave me an inspirational keepsake.

LOGAN

Are you inspired? Next year, baby, anything's possible.

RORY

Yeah, I know I hear you loud and clear and heavy.

LOGAN

Good, because the world is your oyster, to quote the other inspirational keepsake I was considering. How's it being back? How you doing you doing okay?

RORY

Yeah, I'm fine.

LOGAN

Because if you want me to come up tonight...

RORY

Oh no, I'll see you on Sunday.

LOGAN

Okay, but if you change your mind...

RORY

You'll be here. Logan, I cannot thank you enough. You've just been really great throughout this whole thing.

LOGAN

No way you don't get to thank me for that. It comes with the territory. Hey Rory, my 10:00 coffee just showed.

RORY

Go. I've got a 10:00 cereal waiting for me.

LOGAN

I'll call you later?

RORY

Sounds good.

LOGAN

I love you.

RORY

You, too. [ends the call]

PARIS

What's with the gooney look?

RORY

Hmm?

PARIS

Your face. It's right out of a harlequin romance.

RORY

He's just been so great. I mean he's really been there for me for the past couple days. I had to practically send him away from the hospital yesterday.

PARIS

I know. It's amazing. I never thought you guys were gonna last.

RORY

What?

PARIS

I'm just being honest. I mean Logan Huntzberger? Between the women and the drinking, that kid was on the Colin Farrell freeway about to pull over into the Robert Downey jr. Rest stop.

RORY

I get it, Paris.

PARIS

What I'm trying to say is, he's changed. You changed him. It's amazing. I'm rarely this wrong.

RORY

Well, thanks.

PARIS

Don't get me wrong. Doyle was quite the ladies' man, as well. Now, he's down for the count. The other night, he wanted to play "let's think up baby names" in bed.

RORY

Really?

PARIS

Yeah. I mean, let's face it. We took two wild stallions, and we broke them.

RORY

I don't think I really "broke" Logan.

PARIS

Oh, you broke him. You broke him hard. You can open the gate, and he's not going to bolt. You can kick him with a spur, and he's not going to spook. You own him.

RORY

Paris, stop. That's ridiculous. I think I'm gonna go work on my résumés.

PARIS

Hey, let's make them go out and get tattoos. It'll be like we branded them.

MR. CANNOLD

It says here "12% sales tax." And that is?

LORELAI

The percentage of sales tax Connecticut mandates. I know. It's outrageous.

MRS. CANNOLD

Harold, I've already paid the bill.

MR. CANNOLD

And this is the room rate.

LORELAI

Times three nights. Yep.

MR. CANNOLD

Okay, and what is this charge for, exactly, under room service?

LORELAI

That's... for the room service that you ordered. Would you like to see an itemized copy?

MRS. CANNOLD

No.

MR. CANNOLD

Yes.

MRS. CANNOLD

That's it. I'm leaving. Thank you for your patience.

LORELAI

No problem.

MRS. CANNOLD

Are you coming?

MR. CANNOLD

Yeah.

LORELAI

Thank you. Bye.

MICHEL

So, are you ready to talk?

LORELAI

Oh, sure.

MICHEL

Let's go to the library.

LORELAI

Okay.

MICHEL

Please sit down. [They all sit down, Michel has a large folder.] Okay, I'm ready to hear your ideas for the funeral.

LORELAI

Okay. Um... gosh, our ideas. Well, we've got so many ideas.

SOOKIE

So, so many. Why don't you start with, uh, the ideas?

LORELAI

Okay. Um, well, first of all, we thought we'd put him in a box.

MICHEL

A box?

LORELAI

A bag?

MICHEL

A bag?

LORELAI

Sorry animal disposal is not my area of expertise.

MICHEL

Chin-Chin has been cremated at the animal hospital. After the memorial, his ashes will be scattered under the poplar tree behind my house where he so often went to think.

LORELAI

Oh, okay. Cool.

SOOKIE

A tree. That's nice.

MICHEL

Why don't you just talk me through the particulars of the event?

LORELAI

Right. Okay. Um, well, we, uh, thought we would have it here.

MICHEL

That sounds good.

LORELAI

Okay. During lunch.

MICHEL

During lunch?

LORELAI

Or before lunch.

SOOKIE

Or after lunch.

LORELAI

Either way. Before or after lunch it doesn't matter.

MICHEL

Why must it relate to lunch at all?

LORELAI

No it doesn't have to. We were just using lunch as a measure of time.

SOOKIE

A way to break up the day.

LORELAI

Yes totally arbitrary.

MICHEL

I was thinking twilight might be nice.

LORELAI

Great. Well, then 5:00 it is. That's a wonderful... idea. Sookie, what else was on our list? Do you have yours with you?

SOOKIE

No I don't. Sorry. I left mine with yours, so...

MICHEL

The flowers.

LORELAI

Oh!

SOOKIE

Oh that was the first thing on our list.

LORELAI

There will definitely be flowers.

MICHEL

I was thinking Gerber Daisies would be nice, maybe in red, yellows, oranges to complement his fur.

LORELAI

Done and done.

MICHEL

Can I trust you to liaise with the florist?

LORELAI

I'll liaise with the florist.

MICHEL

Let's discuss the programs.

LORELAI

The programs.

SOOKIE

You want programs?

MICHEL

Do you think when the Princess of Wales was interred at Althorp the Spencer family was asked whether or not they wanted programs?

LORELAI

Probably not.

MICHEL

I assume there are no stationery selections for me to choose from yet.

LORELAI

Not yet.

MICHEL

You know what who cares? Why don't we just use fax paper? And hey why not print them out on the computer? After all, it's just a dog.

LORELAI

Hey, Michel, don't worry about the programs, okay? We'll make up something really nice for you.

MICHEL

Fine. Here's the picture I'd like to use for the cover.

LORELAI

Aw, well, isn't that cute?

SOOKIE

[Chuckling] Oh, yeah. Cute.

MICHEL

Shall we go over the menus?

LORELAI

Ah, the menus. Well, Sookie, take it away.

SOOKIE

Oh! Hey. Stay. I'd love your input.

LORELAI

You've always let me know that when it comes to food, you're the boss. Well, you're the boss.

CHRISTOPHER

Hi.

LORELAI

Hi.

CHRISTOPHER

I guess we should talk.

LORELAI

I guess we should.

MICHEL

[Heard from the library] Crudités?

LORELAI

Not here. Come on.

MICHEL

[Heard from the library] If your child died, would you serve crudités?

SOOKIE

Hey, can my children not be your go-to?!

LORELAI

Okay, go. Talk.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, obviously we have some issues.

LORELAI

Issues? What issues? We got in a fight and you took off.

CHRISTOPHER

I was mad.

LORELAI

Oh you were mad. Then never mind. You should have left.

CHRISTOPHER

Don't be sarcastic.

LORELAI

Don't tell me what to do, not when I wake up after we have a fight and you've disappeared.

CHRISTOPHER

I needed some space.

LORELAI

Oh, you needed space? We're married. You need space, you walk around the block, you go get a beer. You don't take off. My father was in the hospital. You weren't there.

CHRISTOPHER

I turned my phone off after the fight. I was upset. I came as soon as I heard.

LORELAI

You came and then you stayed for an hour and then you left again.

CHRISTOPHER

Well I didn't feel like staying much when I saw who else was there.

LORELAI

I didn't ask Luke to come.

CHRISTOPHER

Well you didn't ask him to leave, either.

LORELAI

No, I didn't. He's my friend. He brought food. You weren't there!

CHRISTOPHER

I was there. I saw your dad. I checked in.

LORELAI

"Checked in." I'm not the 6:40 to buffalo.

CHRISTOPHER

Look I'm sorry. I'm sick of seeing that guy.

LORELAI

Well how do you think I feel? I mean for two days I'm in that hospital 18 hours a day. I didn't even know if you were coming back.

CHRISTOPHER

I needed time.

LORELAI

I needed you.

CHRISTOPHER

Lor.

LORELAI

You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't surprised.

CHRISTOPHER

That's not fair.

LORELAI

I can't do this now. I have a million things to get done. I just -- I can't.

CHRISTOPHER

So, when?

LORELAI

I don't know. Later.

LORELAI

Okay uh, well, then, you're all set for the 16th. [answers the cell phone] Hang on.

RORY

[At Yale] Hanging.

LORELAI

Yes, sir. Well, that's wonderful. We're looking forward to it. Thank you. Okay, bye. [hangs up phone and continues with Rory] Hi, hon.

RORY

Quick, get me into a microeconomic mood.

LORELAI

Uh, okay. Uh supply and demand, profit margin, pork bellies.

RORY

You had me till pork bellies.

LORELAI

You're going to grandpa's class sans grandpa?

RORY

Yes, and I'm kind of dreading it. I mean I only signed up for this class because grandpa was teaching it. I'm not naturally econ crazy.

LORELAI

Is anyone really econ crazy?

RORY

Oh, yeah. First thing I learned last semester, people find the gross national product endlessly fascinating.

LORELAI

Weird.

RORY

Blew my mind. So, how's your re-immersion going?

LORELAI

Pretty good, loving the non-fluorescent lighting, although I kinda miss eating my meals out of a vending machine. How are you doing?

RORY

Not bad. Logan got me a marble plaque, and Paris hid books. It was sweet.

LORELAI

All right, must be a generational thing.

RORY

Must be, oh, any word from dad? [Too a vendor] Latte, please.

LORELAI

Um... yes, actually. He just came by the inn.

RORY

He did?

LORELAI

A couple hours ago.

RORY

What did he say?

LORELAI

Oh, you know, he said he's been needing some space.

RORY

That's ridiculous. He hasn't been home in two days.

LORELAI

Well he was upset about the letter, then he saw Luke at the hospital, you know?

RORY

Well so what if he saw Luke at the hospital? He should have been there for you.

LORELAI

He was. He came.

RORY

Yeah, but then he left.

LORELAI

Honey, look, don't be mad at your dad, okay? It's a complicated situation.

RORY

Mom, stop it. I'm not Switzerland.

LORELAI

What?

RORY

I'm on your side.

LORELAI

I don't want you to take sides.

RORY

Look, I'm not a kid anymore, okay? I get to have an opinion, and I get to pick a side. And I'm on your side, like it or not.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

And it's not just because you're right and he's wrong. I'm on your side, no matter what.

LORELAI

No matter what? I mean, even if I cut off all your hair while you were sleeping, would you still be on my side then?

RORY

Yep.

LORELAI

What if I signed you up for a camping trip and made you go?

RORY

Even then.

LORELAI

What if I put a secret clause on your birth certificate that says when you turn 23, your name changes to Hildegarde?

RORY

There's no such thing as a birth-certificate clause.

LORELAI

I had a really good lawyer.

RORY

Even then.

LORELAI

Oh, good to know.

RORY

So, talk to me. How are you feeling?

LORELAI

Oh, good. Fine. Medium. You know, rare -- medium rare. Rare. More like sashimi.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

It's scary, you know? Your dad, um... tends to... avoid conflict when things get complicated.

RORY

Did you tell him that? You should tell him that.

LORELAI

I did. I mean, I tried. I was mad. I told him we'd talk later.

RORY

Well, you can call me after you talk to him. I mean I'm sure you guys will work everything out, but you can call me if you need anything.

LORELAI

Yeah. I got you on speed dial.

RORY

Really you programmed your speed dial?

LORELAI

No. It's metaphorically speaking. I can dial really fast, though.

RORY

Got you. I'm gonna run into class.

LORELAI

Okay, hon. Sounds good.

RORY

Okay, peace out, yo.

LORELAI

Bye, Hilde.

MALE STUDENT

Hey, Rory.

RORY

Hey.

MALE STUDENT

Good to see you.

TUCKER

Rory Gilmore? Heard your name. Just want to introduce myself. Tucker Culbertson, filling in for your grandfather until he's well enough to come back.

RORY

Oh. Well, hello, Professor Culbertson.

TUCKER

Thanks for the promotion. I'm not a professor yet. I'm just a T.A.

RORY

Oh. Uh, sorry -- not that you're a T.A., Just that I called you -- um, I'm Rory.

TUCKER

I know.

RORY

Right. [Chuckles]

TUCKER

So, how's he doing?

RORY

Great. Thanks.

TUCKER

I'm glad. I heard he's a terrific lecturer.

RORY

Oh, yeah, the best -- well, in my entirely biased opinion.

TUCKER

I'm with you. I can't believe this is his first year of teaching. He really put together a great syllabus. I'm looking forward to getting into it.

RORY

Me too.

TUCKER

Well, it's nice to meet you, Rory.

RORY

Yeah, well, good luck. Oh, I mean, not that you need it or anything. Okay, bye.

ANNOUNCER ON TV

Kentucky's being overconfident against this Alabama team. This is a team that is second in the history of the SCC in wins.

LORELAI

Hey.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

Sorry I'm late. It was busy at work.

CHRISTOPHER

That's okay. I hope you don't mind. I saw you were using three of them, so I thought I'd program your universal remote.

LORELAI

Thanks. Want some coffee?

CHRISTOPHER

No, I'm okay... unless you want some. [Turns off the TV]

LORELAI

No, I'm okay.

CHRISTOPHER

So, uh...

LORELAI

So, uh...

CHRISTOPHER

I've been thinking about things, and you're right. I shouldn't have taken off.

LORELAI

No, you shouldn't have. But you got to understand, Lor, that letter --

LORELAI

ugh. "Character reference."

CHRISTOPHER

Whatever.

LORELAI

No, not whatever. There's a big difference between a letter and a character reference. I had to write that stuff for Luke for a judge so he could get custody of his kid.

CHRISTOPHER

Don't do that.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Make me think this is all in my head.

LORELAI

It is!

CHRISTOPHER

It's not! I see the way you look at him.

LORELAI

Stop. I chose you. I married you.

CHRISTOPHER

It's not that simple.

LORELAI

What else is there?

CHRISTOPHER

Stuff! There's other stuff.

LORELAI

Like what?

CHRISTOPHER

I got into a fight with the guy, Lor.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

About a month ago at the gazebo, I just walked up to him. We started whaling on each other.

LORELAI

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

CHRISTOPHER

Well it's not something I'm exactly proud of. I mean this is what it's come to -- I'm fighting the guy in the street.

LORELAI

I don't, Isn't that the kind of thing you would tell a person? I mean, I could help. I could have been more sensitive.

CHRISTOPHER

It's not just about the fight, Lor. I should have given you more time. You asked me to. I said I would. I didn't.

LORELAI

No, Chris.

CHRISTOPHER

You were vulnerable, and I pushed you. And I think it's because we always had this timing issue. You know we were too young, and then Sherry got pregnant. You were with him and -- I don't know. I saw this opportunity, and I thought, "now, we should do this now while we have the chance, while you're free and clear." But you weren't. You're not.

LORELAI

Yes, I am!

CHRISTOPHER

You were engaged to him, Lor. You needed time to -- to disengage.

LORELAI

Stop. That's not what this is. We're together now. Maybe we did rush into it, but we can, we can work this out.

CHRISTOPHER

I don't think we can.

LORELAI

What does that mean? You're giving up?

CHRISTOPHER

I don't know what else to do.

LORELAI

There's lots else to do. We can work on this.

CHRISTOPHER

Work on what, work on you thinking that I'm the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I've been asking you to marry me for 20 years. We're finally married. I still feel like I'm asking you.

LORELAI

That's terrible. I'm sorry if you feel that way, if I made you feel that way. That's not how I feel. I'm in this.

CHRISTOPHER

I want to believe that.

LORELAI

You should. It's true.

CHRISTOPHER

Look, I should probably get back to my mom's. Gigi's been there all day, so.

LORELAI

Yeah, you should be with her. How is she?

CHRISTOPHER

She's fine. She's good.

LORELAI

So, we'll talk more tomorrow?

CHRISTOPHER

Okay. Yeah.

MICHEL

Lorelai, I specifically sent out a memo asking that all pillows featuring cats be removed from this library.

LORELAI

What?

MICHEL

The cat pillows -- they're still there!

LORELAI

Oh yeah I'll take care of it, I promise.

MICHEL

And you have to talk to Sookie.

LORELAI

What about?

MICHEL

I asked her about the final menu. She said she didn't have it yet. I said, "when can I expect it?" She said she wasn't sure. I said, "might I ask what you are planning?" And she said -- and I quote -- "let's see what's left over at the end of the day, and I'll whip up something delicious." Leftovers! Why even bother?

LORELAI

Oh Michel.

MICHEL

Is it too much to ask that the passing of my beloved dog be marked by food that has been prepared specifically with that occasion in mind?

LORELAI

I'm sure the food will be wonderful.

MICHEL

Well have you called about the flowers?

LORELAI

Ah I was just about to.

MICHEL

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Grayson's only needs a 2-hour heads up.

MICHEL

Well at least do you have a program for me to approve?

LORELAI

Uh, not yet, but I will.

MICHEL

The funeral is tonight.

LORELAI

I'm aware of that.

MICHEL

Then why has nothing been done?

LORELAI

Plenty has been done.

MICHEL

No! Nothing has been done. You are putting no effort into...

LORELAI

Michel, back off. I happen to have a few other things on my mind right now, so forgive me if I haven't put all of my energy into focusing on your dog funeral.

MICHEL

[still upset] I apologize that my loss has come at an inopportune time for you. I will try to schedule the next death when it is more convenient.

PARIS

Let's see -- "Gender Trouble," Judith Butler. It should be here.

RORY

Are you sure this is where you hid it?

PARIS

Of course. I had an aunt Judy who loved to travel, hence the travel section. Then I used my standard covert alphabetizing system using the third letter of the author's last name, "T", followed by the third letter of the author's first name, "D." So it should be right here, after Tabin but before Thoreau. I don't understand why it's not here.

RORY

Okay I'm gonna go check the women's studies section again, see if I can find a used copy, just in case. Wait a minute. This whole shelf is a mess. Why is Congwen Shen before Tony Griffiths? [To a sales person near by] Excuse me. You. Come over here and explain yourself.

TUCKER

Rory.

RORY

Oh. Hey.

TUCKER

How you doing?

RORY

Good, thanks.

TUCKER

I'm glad. Ah I wanted to thank you. Seems you gave me a pretty good evaluation.

RORY

What?

TUCKER

I got a call from your grandfather. I think he was talking about class, unless you happened to see the econ grad students take out the comp. Lit grad students in ultimate Frisbee.

RORY

Oh, right. I'm sorry. I'm a little all over the place. New semester, you know.

TUCKER

Well I just wanted to thank you. It's always nice to get good feedback.

RORY

No problem.

TUCKER

See you around.

RORY

Okay. [short pause as Rory watches Tucker walk away.] That -- that's a good book.

TUCKER

Which one?

RORY

Um, "Eva Luna." Everyone loves "House of the Spirits," but I just think "Eva Luna" is Allende's best work.

TUCKER

Cool, I'm looking forward to reading it.

RORY

Yeah, me too. Oh, for you to read it. I'll see you around.

TUCKER

Bye, Rory.

PARIS

Where were you? The women's studies section is over there.

RORY

Um, yeah, I was on my way.

PARIS

The book's gone. Apparently they redid the travel section and alphabetized it according to destination instead of author. I ripped the salesman a new one, but it was too late. Hey. What's wrong with you?

RORY

What?

PARIS

You're all red and blotchy.

RORY

Oh, am I? It's probably just 'cause I'm a bit warm in here. So you found it?

PARIS

No. Weren't you listening? Here. It's used, but luckily, the previous owner was a dimwit slacker who only made it through chapter one.

RORY

Oh, great. That's good.

KIRK

Flower delivery.

LORELAI

Oh. Kirk? Oh, I didn't know you worked for Grayson's.

KIRK

Oh, no, I don't work there. I'm volunteering.

LORELAI

How... noble.

KIRK

Yeah, I just thought it was time to give something back. Here's your bill. It's a little high because we had to do a little airbrushing. Small blemish on the nose. Probably wasn't visible to the naked eye, but when we blew the picture up -- wow.

LORELAI

Sounds great. I got a bunch of stuff to take care of. Bring the rest of the flowers in?

KIRK

Sure thing. [Clears throat] I don't want to embarrass you, but it is customary to tip the deliveryman.

LORELAI

I thought you were volunteering.

KIRK

Not for you.

LORELAI

Ask Rob at the front desk. He's got the petty cash. Ooo Hey, Christy, will we see you tonight at the memorial?

CHRISTY

Actually, I don't think...

LORELAI

Let me rephrase that. We'll see you tonight at the memorial. Attendance is mandatory. Thanks.

LORELAI

How's the food coming?

SOOKIE

Hey! I've got a Walnut Arugula Gorgonzola Crostini, a little Caraway Cornbread with apricots, bacon, and a little Jalapeno jam, Beef Tenderloin Chiffonade in little Focaccia rounds, and -- oh! -- Sweet potato biscuits with pork Tenderloin and a little Apple Chutney.

LORELAI

Wow.

SOOKIE

Yeah some of my finest work all wasted on a dog funeral and a petty little man.

LORELAI

Well, he said some things he didn't mean.

SOOKIE

You don't go after someone's children.

LORELAI

He's going through a very rough time, and he really will appreciate all of this.

SOOKIE

I know. I made him some fat-free brownies, too.

LORELAI

Aw.

SOOKIE

I know. I'm a softy.

LORELAI

And the whole kitchen staff's gonna be there, right?

SOOKIE

Those who value their jobs will be. I pulled out my "don't mess with me" face, which I use on the kids all the time. I'll be damned if they don't hop to and brush those teeth.

LORELAI

Good, I want a full house, and if they have minty-fresh breath, that's just a plus.

SOOKIE

They'll be there -- not that Michel will say thank you or modify his behavior in any way to show that he's grateful. But just so you know, you're doing a really nice thing.

LORELAI

Well, thanks. I feel bad about snapping at him.

SOOKIE

You have a lot on your mind. Want a brownie?

LORELAI

Mm, no, thanks. Um, so, I talked to Christopher.

SOOKIE

Wait. [To the kitchen staff] Get out. You're doing a great job, though!

LORELAI

Thanks.

SOOKIE

Keep it up.

LORELAI

Sorry.

SOOKIE

Go.

LORELAI

I talked to Christopher. I was really mad.

SOOKIE

But you were able to work it out.

LORELAI

Well we're working on working it out. He thinks that I don't want to be in it, he thinks that I don't even want to be in this marriage.

SOOKIE

But you do, right?

LORELAI

Of course I do.

SOOKIE

Yeah that's what I thought.

LORELAI

It's this Luke thing. Christopher's jealousy is blinding him, and I've been racking my brain to think of a way to convince him that I want to be in this marriage. And I think the only way is if I cut Luke out of my life entirely.

SOOKIE

No Luke at all.

LORELAI

No, I mean, it wouldn't be that big a difference. It's not like I see him a lot as it is.

SOOKIE

Well, that's true, although just because you don't see him a lot doesn't mean he's not a big part of your life. You know eight months ago, you were engaged to the guy.

LORELAI

I know. I try not to dwell on that because I've moved on. I-I married Christopher.

SOOKIE

Ah it's just that it's Luke. You guys were together a long time.

LORELAI

I know.

SOOKIE

You were friends for years even before you were together. And then, when you were together, you were really together.

LORELAI

Yes. We were.

SOOKIE

So all I'm saying is that you broke up with Luke and immediately started dating Christopher. And I know you're over it, and I know you've moved on, but all those feelings for Luke didn't just disappear overnight, right?

LORELAI

No that's what I'm saying. Of course they didn't.

SOOKIE

It's just, you moved really quickly.

LORELAI

Yes, I moved quickly to a man I love who loves me, who wanted to marry me. When Luke and I were together, he was kind and loyal and thoughtful. The guy built me an ice-skating rink, for god's sake.

SOOKIE

God, I forgot about that.

LORELAI

But he was also distant and uncommunicative, and he didn't want to marry me. And I tried everything I could to work it out. Of course I have feelings for him. That's what Christopher's responding to, and that's why, in order to save my marriage, the only thing I can do is cut Luke out, right?

SOOKIE

Right.

LORELAI

[Sighs]

SOOKIE

I'm sorry, it's just, I have a but.

LORELAI

Yes?

SOOKIE

If there were no Luke, I mean no Luke in the past, no Luke in the picture...

LORELAI

Yeah?

SOOKIE

Well, would it be Christopher? Would he be "the one"?

MICHEL

I don't even know why we are bothering to select music. Why not just turn on the radio and hope for the best? Maybe we'll get lucky and a hip-hop station will be playing Snoop Doggy Dogg.

LORELAI

Michel, come on. I said I'm sorry. We're gonna have a beautiful ceremony. Look, here's Zach. Hi, Zach.

ZACH

Hey. Lorelai. Hello, Michel. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. It totally blows.

MICHEL

Thank you.

LORELAI

So, Zach's gonna do the music for the ceremony.

ZACH

I'm psyched, dude. At first I was thinking Mandolin, but then I'm like, "whoa, Zach, are you tripping? It's got to be the acoustic guitar." A way more soulful sound.

LORELAI

Um have you thought about the music?

ZACH

Yeah, I did -- vintage Bowie, originally recorded with Herbie Flowers on bass, Aynsley Dunbar on drums. You know where I'm going? "Diamond dogs"? [sings] Whoo-hoo-hoo! They call them the diamond dogs bow-wow, woof woof, whoo-hoo!

LORELAI

That sounds great. Um we didn't need a song that necessarily had dogs in the lyrics, right, Michel?

MICHEL

Whatever. David bowie sounds like a hoot.

LORELAI

More princess Diana, less dog.

ZACH

So you want Elton John?

LORELAI

We were thinking very dignified -- Bach, Mozart.

MICHEL

Céline Dion.

LORELAI

Or Céline Dion.

ZACH

[very serious] Please don't make me do that.

MICHEL

After all, "my heart will go on" was Chin-Chin's favorite song.

LORELAI

Oh, well, then, there you go, huh? We'll just find, uh, [looks through sheet music] "My Heart." "My Heart Belongs to Daddy," "My Heart Belongs to Me," "My Heart Belongs to You." My heart can't make up its mind.

ZACH

How about "Tears in Heaven"? That's a wicked song.

LORELAI

Well, "My Heart is Crying for You," "My Heart is Waiting," "My Heart Stood Still." People very interested in this whole heart thing.

ZACH

"I will always love you" -- it's got the cheese factor, but it's still at least a legitimate...

LORELAI

"My Heart Will Go On."

MICHEL

Oh, good! They have it!

LORELAI

So you get working on that, and, uh, we'll be moving on.

LORELAI

Okay, so, we're all set with the music, and the rest of the flowers should be delivered in about an hour. You got your suit from the cleaners. All we have to do now is stop by the printer's and approve the layout for the program.

MICHEL

Actually, as long as we're here, I think I'm gonna stop into Luke's.

LORELAI

Really? Why?

MICHEL

Do you remember last year when that troupe of Mimes took over the inn?

LORELAI

Yeah.

MICHEL

It was a very stressful time for me, guessing at what they wanted, watching to see what they were pointing at so I knew what to fetch them. When they finally left, I needed a bit of comfort, so I stopped at Luke's and I bought a hamburger.

LORELAI

[Gasps] You didn't.

MICHEL

I know. It was a moment of insanity. Thank god by the time I got home, I had already calculated that it would take me 55 minutes of medium-intensity interval training on my elliptical machine to work it off. Thought better of the whole thing and dumped the foul thing in the trash.

LORELAI

Well close call.

MICHEL

Yeah, extremely. Unfortunately, Chin-Chin, being the little rascal that he was, fished it out of the garbage.

LORELAI

Aw.

MICHEL

After all the exotic dog food I lavished on him -- homemade biscuits, fresh-ground lamb -- it was this burger that he seemed to enjoy the most. And today, I will eat one in his memory.

LORELAI

Well, what a sacrifice. Uh, go on in. You get your burger. I'll get started at the printer's.

MICHEL

Sounds good. Wish me luck.

LORELAI

Good luck.

PARIS

AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT

RORY

What are you doing here?!

LOGAN

Aw, I couldn't wait till Sunday.

RORY

Oh!

LOGAN

What's that look?

RORY

Oh, Paris calls it my harlequin romance face. Come on in!

LOGAN

Where is the infamous Miss Geller?

RORY

[looking at the chart] Now? Let's see. This afternoon, she is belly dancing with the Yale Belly Dance Society at the Payne Whitney gym.

LOGAN

Wow, how'd you get out of it?

RORY

I'm supposed to be at a wrestling match. We're supposed to trade notes later.

LOGAN

Use the term "half nelson."

RORY

I'll use the term "whole nelson." I'm not afraid.

LOGAN

Yeah, don't do that.

RORY

Logan, um, I have to talk to you.

LOGAN

Sure, what's going on?

RORY

Well, uh, maybe let's sit. Yeah, come on. Sit down.

LOGAN

Okay.

RORY

Okay. Um... this is hard for me to bring up, but, um, because of the whole thing that happened with Marty. I just wanted to tell you about it now so that you don't think this is a big deal. Or, actually, maybe it is a big deal. I don't know that's why I want to talk to you about it.

LOGAN

What's going on?

RORY

Well, maybe it's just human nature. I mean, maybe we don't want to be happy.

LOGAN

You're not happy?

RORY

No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm so happy.

LOGAN

Okay, good, so what's the problem?

RORY

Um, I don't know. See I never thought of myself as a self-destructive person before, but I don't know -- maybe I do have this weird self-sabotaging streak.

LOGAN

What are you talking about?

RORY

Well, the grad student who's filling in for my grandfather -- I guess he's kind of good-looking. And I ran into him at the bookstore, and I told him I liked Isabel Allende, and it was disgusting!

LOGAN

You told him you like Isabel Allende?

RORY

But it was the way I said it. I was all nervous and weird. I mean I Googled him after class. I don't know even know why. I just, you're being so perfect, and I'm turning into this monster.

LOGAN

You're not a monster.

RORY

No, I am. I am. I just I think I got so safe and felt so good with you that I let my guard down, and this beast emerged.

LOGAN

Hey, make up your mind. Are you a beast or a monster?

RORY

Logan.

LOGAN

What it sounds like what you telling we you have a crush on this guy.

RORY

I'm so sorry. What why are you looking at me like that?

LOGAN

It's just a crush.

RORY

You're not upset?

LOGAN

I'd be a hypocrite, because I have on occasion found other girls attractive.

RORY

Yes, I know.

LOGAN

But I would never do anything about it because I love you and want to be with you.

RORY

That's good, I guess.

LOGAN

You guess.

RORY

No, it is good. It's just, did I break you?

LOGAN

What?

RORY

Paris said that I broke you, that if I kicked you with my spurs, you wouldn't spook. Is that true?

LOGAN

No, I'd definitely be a little spooked.

RORY

You know what I mean.

LOGAN

I honestly don't.

RORY

I guess she meant that you belong to me or something.

LOGAN

Well, do you belong to me?

RORY

Yeah, I guess I do.

LOGAN

Well, then I'm cool with that.

RORY

You are?

LOGAN

Yeah. This whole thing is my fault.

RORY

What? Why?

LOGAN

I was a jerk about Marty. I overreacted, and I obviously freaked you out so much I made you think you have to tell me when you recommend a book to a guy, and you don't, okay.

RORY

Yeah, okay.

LOGAN

Because I trust you completely, and I'm not worried about us.

RORY

Yeah, I guess I'm not either. It's weird.

LOGAN

But good weird?

RORY

Great weird.

LOGAN

Can I ask you a question?

RORY

Yeah. Anything.

LOGAN

Has Paris ever belly danced before?

RORY

No, I think this is her first class.

LOGAN

Another question?

RORY

Shoot.

LOGAN

Why the hell aren't we over there watching her?

RORY

Yeah, we should.

LOGAN

[Chuckles]

LORELAI

Hi.

CHRISTOPHER

Hey.

LORELAI

[Sighs]

CHRISTOPHER

How was the funeral?

LORELAI

Sad.

LORELAI

[Sniffles] It's not just Luke.

CHRISTOPHER

Lor...

LORELAI

I mean, you were right. There are feelings there, because... when that ended, I just jumped.

CHRISTOPHER

I pushed you.

LORELAI

I jumped. But if that's all there was -- if that's all it was, we could fix it, you know... with time.

CHRISTOPHER

But it's not.

LORELAI

You've always been this... possibility for me... this wonderful possibility. But it's just not right. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

CHRISTOPHER

[Nods] Yeah. [pause] I guess I should have known, huh? It took me 20 years to get you to say yes.

LORELAI

[Voice breaking] I need you to know... that you're the man... I want to want.

CHRISTOPHER

I know.

LORELAI

[Sniffles and starting to cry] You have no idea... how badly I wish...

CHRISTOPHER

I do. [pause] I do know.

LORELAI

[Sniffles]

CHRISTOPHER

I do.