T7E15: “I Am Kayak, Hear Me Roar”

PARIS

AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT

PARIS

[From inside] Yes?

LORELAI

Um, Paris, it's Lorelai.

PARIS

Come in. The door is open.

LORELAI

I'm so sorry that it's so early. I... oh. Wow. Hey.

PARIS

Sorry. We're in the middle of our yoga practice.

LORELAI

I didn't, uh, really imagine you guys to be the yoga types.

DOYLE

It was a circuitous path that led us here.

PARIS

I only signed up for the class 'cause I thought it'd help me B.S. My way through any med-school interviews when they talk about all that homeopathic, holistic, naturopathic, chiropractic, tcm, unani, ayurveda crap.

DOYLE

Plus, we thought it would be funny to goof on. But now...

PARIS

I guess the great cosmic goof is on us.

LORELAI

Is Rory asleep?

PARIS

You mean spiritually or literally?

LORELAI

Literally.

PARIS

Yeah, I think so.

PARIS

AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT – RORY'S ROOM

RORY

Hey, mom.

LORELAI

Hey. Sorry I didn't call first. I left my phone at home. And it's 6:00 in the morning. Why are you up?

RORY

Ah Paris and Doyle were chanting. Why are you up?

LORELAI

Oh, I've been up for a while, driving...

RORY

Driving?

LORELAI

Yeah for a few hours.

RORY

Driving?

LORELAI

Yeah driving.

RORY

Mom, what's going on?

LORELAI

Want to go for a drive?

RORY

Um, sure. Let's go for a drive.

RORY

So... we're driving.

LORELAI

Yeah, we're driving. [quite for a few seconds] Honey, your dad and I split up... last night.

RORY

Oh, mom, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

LORELAI

I'm okay -- I'm driving, moving forward.

RORY

You are driving.

LORELAI

Yep. It just wasn't right, you know? And he knew it wasn't right, and I knew it wasn't right. It just wasn't...

RORY

It wasn't right.

LORELAI

It wasn't, and pretending it was, was just gonna hurt him and hurt me, and we didn't want to do that, so we split up, and he's moving out, and... what are you thinking?

RORY

I don't know. I guess, first of all, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And... secondly... I guess I'm thinking that I'm not totally surprised. I mean, at first, I was so excited that you guys were getting together because it seemed like something that was meant to be.

LORELAI

Yep

RORY

Something that was like destiny. But... then... I guess... to me, it kind of never felt right. I'm so sorry.

LORELAI

I just want you to know, your dad is gonna be in your life -- in our lives.

RORY

I know that.

LORELAI

And Gigi, too. I mean, your dad is still your dad, you know?

RORY

I know that, mom. I do. So, who else knows?

LORELAI

Nobody. That's it. Well, you and the Quickie Mart guy.

RORY

You told the Quickie Mart guy?

LORELAI

I was upset. I was standing by the magazines. I didn't want him to think I was verklempt over Nicole Richie. So... that's it. I wish I could leave it at that. The idea of telling your grandmother -- god.

LORELAI

Oh. Oh, wow.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I... we're out of gas?

RORY

We're out of... gas.

RORY

Hmm.

LORELAI

I've never run out of gas before.

RORY

Me neither.

LORELAI

Well, here we are.

RORY

Out of gas.

LORELAI

Well, I guess I should ca-- I don't have my cell phone.

RORY

I left mine in my room. Okay. It's okay. No, it's fine. We'll just have to get gas somehow. We can do this.

LORELAI

There's a gas station up ahead, where route 68 goes through Naugatuck.

RORY

Okay. So... we're walking?

LORELAI

Oh, we're walking.

LORELAI

Well, it's a beautiful day.

RORY

Yes, it is.

LORELAI

It's weird that it can be so beautiful.

RORY

Yeah. How far is Naugatuck from here?

LORELAI

I don't know exactly.

RORY

I guess it's walking distance.

LORELAI

[Chuckles] I hope it's walking distance.

LORELAI

Hello?

RORY

Hi, there.

LORELAI

How you doing?

AURORA

[quietly] May I take your coats?

LORELAI

Hmm?

AURORA

Coats?

LORELAI

Oh. Okay. [Chuckles] Thank you.

AURORA

Um... I t-- I think she's in the living room. I'm not sure. Uh...

LORELAI

What? Her mouth is moving. I can't hear anything. Is something wrong with my ears?

RORY

No, I don't think it's your ears. poor thing.

LORELAI

This house is a giant Skinner box with Chippendale chairs. Hello?

EMILY

[From the living room] In here!

LORELAI

Hey, mom.

RORY

Hey, grandma.

EMILY

Hello, Rory, Lorelai. How are you?

LORELAI

Oh good. How are you? How's dad? Is he up to this, you think?

EMILY

Why wouldn't he be?

LORELAI

Well mum he just got out of the hospital. I just wonder if it's too soon.

EMILY

The doctor said there's no reason he can't go back to his normal routine, as long as he doesn't do anything too strenuous. It's not as though sitting at a table having dinner with one's family requires a great deal of effort.

LORELAI

[Chuckles] Oh well... you're right.

EMILY

He should be down by now. Is Christopher coming?

LORELAI

Um... he's not able to make it tonight. I'm sorry.

EMILY

Well... that's too bad. In the meantime, can I offer you a drink?

LORELAI

Yes. The usual -- Martini up, with a twist.

EMILY

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not serving alcohol tonight.

LORELAI

[Too Rory] I told you there was something wrong with my ears. [too Emily] What?

EMILY

I'm serving nonalcoholic cocktails only.

LORELAI

There's no such thing as a nonalcoholic cocktail.

EMILY

There most certainly is. It's called a Mocktail.

LORELAI

You're serving Mocktails?

EMILY

Yes. I can offer you a Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers.

RORY

I'll have a Roy Rogers.

LORELAI

Why not a howdy doody or a captain kangaroo?

EMILY

Lorelai, stop being so selfish. We're doing this for your father. After you've had open-heart surgery, alcohol is strictly verboten.

LORELAI

[too Rory] No alcohol. No alcohol.

EMILY

Well, there you are. I told you to tell Mr. Gilmore that his daughter and granddaughter were pulling into the driveway15 minutes ago.

FRANCETTE

Mr. Gilmore says he's in the middle of watching golf and he'll be down as soon as he's finished.

EMILY

Golf? He's watching golf? Well, if you tell him we're expecting him downstairs, I would very much appreciate it.

FRANCETTE

I'm not really sure that falls under my job description... .Fine. Fine.

EMILY

Fine.

FRANCETTE

Fine.

EMILY

Here you go.

RORY

Thank you.

LORELAI

Oh, that's a strong one, mom. You know I'm driving.

RORY

Tastes great.

LORELAI

You know what else tastes great? Rum.

EMILY

For heaven's sake, Lorelai. If you're unable to go for a few hours without alcohol, I can send the maid out to get you a six-pack. [Seeing Richard on the stairs] Richard!

RICHARD

All right. I'm here. You can put away your leash.

RORY

Hey, grandpa.

LORELAI

Hey, dad.

RICHARD

Rory, Lorelai.

LORELAI

How are you feeling?

RICHARD

Well like a man who's been torn away from one of the most pivotal golf matches in history.

LORELAI

If you're not up for it, we can take a rain check.

EMILY

We don't need a rain check. Richard, wouldn't you like to change for dinner?

RICHARD

No, if you're going to treat me like a patient, I'm going to act like a patient. Patients wear robes.

EMILY

All right. Fine. May I offer you a Mocktail?

RICHARD

No. I don't want a Mocktail. In fact, I'd like to skip "Mocktail hour" altogether and go straight to dinner.

EMILY

B-but it isn't time yet to...

RICHARD

[Sighs]

EMILY

All right. We'll eat now. Ah Francette, would you please go tell Aurora to tell Stefan we are ready to have dinner served now?

FRANCETTE

Look, Mrs. Gilmore, I have to reiterate, I am here as a medical professional, not a carrier pigeon.

RICHARD

Well, as a medical professional, you should be concerned with my health. And not eating isn't healthy, is it? Nor is getting agitated. And I have to tell you Francette, I'm getting quite agitated.

FRANCETTE

Don't threaten me, Mr. Gilmore.

EMILY

It's fine, it's fine. I'll go tell her myself.

RORY

Wow.

LORELAI

A six-pack sounds really good right now.

AURORA

Here's your plate, sir. I hope it's not too hot -- the plate, not the food. [Whispers indistinctly]

RICHARD

Oh, well. It's fish again.

EMILY

It's sea bass.

RICHARD

And sea bass is a fish -- hence my comment "surprise, surprise -- it's fish again."

RORY

It tastes good.

RICHARD

Tastes like fish.

EMILY

I don't think it tastes fishy. Sea bash is not a fishy fish. Mackerel is a fishy fish. Trout can be a fishy fish. But sea bass is not really a fishy fish.

RICHARD

I didn't say it tasted fishy. I said it tasted like fish.

RORY

I think it tastes good.

LORELAI

You know the green beans are very green-beany, which is so good, especially if you like green beans, which I do.

RORY

Mmm.

LORELAI

Anyone see any good movies lately?

EMILY

No.

RICHARD

This fish is bland.

EMILY

Would you like some more lemon-dill sauce?

RICHARD

No.

EMILY

Okay.

LORELAI

The sauce is good.

EMILY

It's nice, isn't it?

LORELAI

Tart, but not too tart. Stefan, the chef we stole from the Lowells, is doing a marvelous job incorporating the dietary recommendations...

RICHARD

Enough. If forced, I may eat this fish, but I absolutely refuse to waste my time having a conversation about it. So, Lorelai, I take it that Christopher is still out of town?

LORELAI

He... couldn't make it tonight.

RICHARD

That's too bad.

EMILY

That man has been traveling quite a lot lately.

LORELAI

Oh yeah, I guess.

RICHARD

Well I hope he'll be around for the party your mother's planning. I know I'm looking forward to it. It's my only hope for eating a decent meal in the foreseeable future. Your mother was planning to serve Cornish game hens. Is that still the plan, Emily?

EMILY

Yes, I've even spoken to the caterer about preparing a special skinless hen for you.

RICHARD

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

EMILY

Don't get angry, Richard. It's your doctor's orders, not mine.

RICHARD

You know what? I'm full.

RORY

These flowers are pretty.

LORELAI

They really are nice.

RICHARD

If you will excuse me, I have to get back to my golf.

EMILY

Richard!

RICHARD

Please. I know I've missed Jacklin's bogey on the 16th. I'm not missing his putt on the 17th. That's a famous putt, Emily.

EMILY

Wait -- you're watching an old golf game? Well, it's the last singles match of the '69 Ryder cup. Jacklin, Nicklaus -- the concession!

EMILY

I can't believe you're watching an old golf game instead of eating...

RICHARD

Fish?

EMILY

Dinner with your family. You already know how it's going to turn out.

RICHARD

Well, that never stopped people going to see "Hamlet." Lorelai, Rory, good night. Emily.

EMILY

Richard... Richard!

EMILY

The idea that two grown men hitting a tiny ball with metal sticks is the equivalent of "hamlet" -- ridiculous. But can I say anything? No! Because I can't agitate him.

LORELAI

It is ridiculous. Golf is more like "Richard III." You know they're all hunched over.

EMILY

I'm going to go get him.

RORY

It sounds like grandma's going full steam ahead with this whole party-planning thing.

LORELAI

I know!

RORY

She's going to kill 400 Cornish game hens – probably with her own bare hands.

LORELAI

Your grandfather just had a heart attack. Your grandmother is not drinking. This isn't exactly the ideal time to tell them their one and only daughter's marriage is over.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

I don't know what she'll do. She's gone bananas. I mean for all I know, she'll throw a Molotov Mocktail at me.

RORY

I know, but only you can save the Cornish game hens. Save the Cornish game hens!

LORELAI

[Sighs]

RORY

Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Get back in bed.

LOGAN

I just want to check my e-mail real quick.

RORY

Oh, no, no, no.

LOGAN

What's the big deal?

RORY

Well I made you a special birthday breakfast in bed, and if you don't go back to bed, it's gonna be a special birthday breakfast at a desk, which is something I have never heard of. Happy birthday.

LOGAN

Mmmm, now it is, now that there are cinnamon buns in the picture.

RORY

Are you impressed? It's my specialty. I can cook anything that comes in a tube.

LOGAN

I am impressed and hungry.

RORY

Nuh-unh-unh! Get back in bed! You are the birthday boy. You should not be working. You should be luxuriating, eating peeled grapes and being fanned with palm fronds.

LOGAN

Peeled grapes ha.

RORY

Mm-Hmm.

LOGAN

Well, what if the birthday boy gets back in bed but is allowed to bring his laptop?

RORY

Deal.

LOGAN

So somebody's pretty into this whole birthday thing.

RORY

Well if by "birthday thing," you mean the celebration of the miracle of your birth, the anniversary of the day when this world went from being a world without Logan Huntzberger to a world with Logan Huntzberger, then, yes, I'm pretty into it.

LOGAN

You really love me, don't you?

RORY

Well you're okay.

LOGAN

I'm not used to all this hoopla. Birthdays aren't a very big deal in the Huntzberger family.

RORY

Why not?

LOGAN

Because birthdays aren't something you achieve. Why should you be lauded for something that just happens?

RORY

Well didn't you have birthday parties when you were a kid?

LOGAN

They were parties, sort of, but not with any kids I actually knew.

RORY

That sounds like a blast.

LOGAN

And I never had a regular birthday cake. I always wanted just a good old, plain yellow cake. You know with cake frosting but desserts were some fancy flambé thing with alcohol in them.

RORY

Well, those years of birthday neglect will become a faint memory after the Gilmore treatment.

LOGAN

Plenty of hoopla in a Gilmore birthday, huh?

RORY

Mm-hmm. Hoopla and then some. My mom always went all out.

LOGAN

How's your mom doing?

RORY

She's okay.

LOGAN

And you?

RORY

I feel like celebrating your birthday. Why are you working? It's your birthday. And I thought your deal was already closed.

LOGAN

It is.

RORY

Well then all that's left to do is celebrate -- and to tell your dad, because you said Huntzberger's celebrate achievement right. Isn't closing this deal a pretty big achievement?

LOGAN

Well I don't want to tell my dad -- not yet. He can read about it in the wall street journal, which in fact is what I just had sent to me -- the press release.

RORY

The press release, huh? That's fancy.

LOGAN

[reading] "Huntzberger, a young visionary entrepreneur." Does that sound dorky?

RORY

Nope. Sounds great. It's exciting.

LOGAN

These are good, by the way.

RORY

Good.

LOGAN

But what would be great with them is a nice bowl of peeled grapes.

RORY

Oh yeah.

LOGAN

Would you make peeled grapes?

RORY

If they come in a tube, I do.

LORELAI

Hello?

EMILY

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Mum.

EMILY

They won't deliver.

LORELAI

Who won't deliver what.

EMILY

And, apparently, none of their help has driver's licenses. That's a little irresponsible, don't you think?

LORELAI

You got to help me out a little here mum.

EMILY

[Sighs, then to Francette] Why are you leering at me?

LORELAI

I'm not leering at... mother, are you on peyote?

FRANCETTE

Mr. Gilmore's light bulb is bothering him.

EMILY

I'm sorry -- is that some sort of nurse code?

FRANCETTE

The 60-watt bulb on his bedside lamp is apparently casting a harsh glare on the television.

EMILY

Well, then, get him another light bulb.

FRANCETTE

It's just not my job.

EMILY

Then get Francette to do it.

FRANCETTE

I am Francette.

LORELAI

[Heard on the phone] Mom!

FRANCETTE

Aurora is the maid.

EMILY

Then Aurora, ask aurora to find a light bulb.

FRANCETTE

I can't find aurora.

EMILY

You can't find aurora?

FRANCETTE

She's hiding from Mr. Gilmore.

LORELAI

[On the Phone] Hello?

EMILY

She's hiding from -- [Scoffs] Never mind. I'll get it myself. Honestly -- these people!

LORELAI

Mother what is going on over there?

EMILY

Your father is running low on his blood thinners, and the pharmacy can't be bothered to deliver.

LORELAI

Are you calling to ask me if I will pick up dad's prescription?

EMILY

Well, I can't leave the house, or chaos will ensue.

LORELAI

You're calling to imply that you would like to ask me to pick up dad's prescription?

EMILY

It's a pharmacy at the corner of Walden and Hasbrook lane. [Emily hangs up]

LORELAI

Okay... [Hearing dial tone] hello? No, it's no problem at all. I'd be happy to. It's just nice to be appreciated. By the way, Chris and I broke up. Bye.

BABETTE

Yeah, it's true -- he's definitely moved out. Last time I saw the... beagle's car in the driveway, it was days ago. Then I saw the mover's truck, so only the... hen is living there now.

MISS PATTY

So did the hen break up with the beagle, or the beagle with the hen?

BABETTE

I don't know.

MISS PATTY

Oh the poor hen.

BABETTE

Yeah she's been through so much.

MISS PATTY

You know, just kind of getting used to him -- the beagle.

BABETTE

But he's not right for her. He's a beagle, you know. And beagles, beagles belong with beagles.

MISS PATTY

And the hen belongs with the rooster.

BABETTE

Maybe.

MISS PATTY

Well, does the rooster know about the hen and the beagle?

BABETTE

Oh, yeah, East Side Tillie was in here yesterday, blabbing her big mouth off.

MISS PATTY

How did he take it? Did you see his face?

BABETTE

Yeah, but you know the rooster. It's like looking at Stonehenge. I don't know what he thinks.

MISS PATTY

Oh I hope he gets his act together because I think they're perfect.

BABETTE

Yeah, but maybe sh-- the hen belongs with someone else... like a penguin or an ostrich.

KIRK

I can no longer sit here and listen to this.

MISS PATTY

Oh, good. Go sit over there.

KIRK

I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience let this perverse conversation continue. Are you insinuating that a hen could mate with an ostrich? Because even ignoring the question of biological feasibility, it's completely morally reprehensible.

BABETTE

Oh, buzz off with your "morally reprehensible."

KIRK

How do you expect her to lay those eggs? Have you thought about that, have you?

LIZ

Hey, big brother!

LUKE

Hey.

T.J.

Surprise!

LUKE

Yes sure am, Liz, T.J., Jeez, and piles of your belongings.

LIZ

It's so good to see you.

LUKE

Yeah, you, too. Hey, Doula.

T.J.

She's looking good, huh?

LUKE

Yeah.

T.J.

Sturdy, too, like she might be a female wrestler or something.

LUKE

Oh, fingers crossed.

T.J.

Right you know what I'm thinking? Free tickets.

LUKE

Yeah. So you two just decided to swing by the diner with a half a dozen bags and a baby apparatus of some kind?

LIZ

No, we decided to come and keep you company.

LUKE

Company?

LIZ

Yeah now that April's in New Mexico, we figured you might be getting a little lonely.

LUKE

Oh, no, I'm not getting lonely. I mean I miss having April around, sure, but I mean I talk to her every Wednesday after swim practice and every Sunday if she's done all her homework. It's going good.

T.J.

Are you buying this? I'm not buying it.

LUKE

Buying what? There's nothing to buy. Hey, where are you going?

LIZ

Oh, don't do the stiff-upper-lip thing with us. We're family. We're here for you.

LUKE

Look, Liz, it's really sweet of you to come by and visit, but... you're planning on staying here for a while?

LIZ

We don't want you to be lonely.

LUKE

How long exactly are you planning on keeping me company?

LIZ

A few days, a week tops.

LUKE

I don't need to be kept company.

LIZ

Well yeah, but you -- we should just come clean.

T.J.

No.

LUKE

Yes about what?

T.J.

About nothing.

LUKE

T.J.

T.J.

How about them Celtics, huh? They sure can dribble a basketball.

LUKE

Liz!

LIZ

We got moths.

LUKE

I'm sorry?

T.J.

Oh, me too, believe me. Luke, it's horrible. I hate those little floppy, fluttery jerks.

LUKE

Moths, huh?

T.J.

Ah dude, they're everywhere -- flying around, popping out of the flour container, congregating around the light bulbs, all pasty and white. I swear moths are like the loser butterflies that couldn't get laid if they tied a $100 bill to their...

LUKE

T.J., I got it. You got moths.

LIZ

So we figured we could avoid the moths and have a little quality time with you.

LUKE

Yeah, all right, just go ahead upstairs, make yourselves at home.

T.J.

Love it!

EMILY

It's Miso Richard, its good for you.

RICHARD

Soup. [puts down the spoon] Stephan, Stephan [to Emily] Soup is not a meal, nor is a salad. Soup and salad are either precursors to a meal or addenda.

EMILY

Richard please.

RICHARD

Soup and salad is not a meal.

EMILY

We have Salmon if you want Salmon.

RICHARD

I don't want salmon, for heavens sakes I don't want Salmon, what I would like is a proper meal.

EMILY

Aurora the door.

STEPHAN

I was given certain dietary parameters.

RICHARD

[Angry] I know that, I'm not stupid, I know what the situation is here.

STEPHAN

I just don't know if I can...

EMILY

[shouting] Francette, Aurora, either of you, both of you will someone answer the door. [quieter] I'm sure Stephan is interested in you input Richard.

RICHARD

Well here is my input, this food is in eatable.

EMILY

Fine I'll get it myself, not that is my job.

STEPHAN

suggestion, maybe you would prefer some light sandwiches.

RICHARD

Sandwiches!

LORELAI

Hi come bearing drugs.

EMILY

Please don't bellow that.

LORELAI

Bellow what [louder] "Drugs"?!

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

How's dad doing Mom.

EMILY

He's just fine.

RICHARD

[heard from the other room] I swear you can get better food in an airplane, I haven't been in a submarine but I'd wager the food is better there too.

EMILY

It's an adjustment.

LORELAI

Hmm

STEPHAN

Let me offer one more suggestion.

RICHARD

What tacos?!

STEPHAN

No I quit!

RICHARD

Fine.

EMILY

Stephan no.

STEPHAN

I'll tell you something, I have worked in so many four-star restaurants I could have my own constellation. And yet I'm treated like this, I'm sorry but I have too much self respect to work for this terror. [throws his apron on the floor and storms out.]

LORELAI

How things going around here

EMILY AND RICHARD

Fine.

LORELAI

Feeling okay dad?

RICHARD

I'm fine, now if you'll excuse me I thing I'm gonna go watch Bob Tway vanquish Greg Norman in the 86' PGA championship.

EMILY

Oh before you go did you manage to call Rod Mandel's office.

RICHARD

No

EMILY

But Angelique called three times this morning.

RICHARD

Bully for her, I'm sorry I have golf to watch.

EMILY

But Richard you didn't eat a thing. He didn't eat a thing.

LORELAI

Well send something up to him.

EMILY

Send what you just saw yourself Stephan just quite.

LORELAI

Well you could make him something [Emily give Lorelai a look] I mean the maid could, what is her name.

EMILY

Oh I don't know, Aurora I think. I don't know anyway she's hiding apparently, [looking] Aurora? Aurora? Where are you?

LORELAI

The maid is hiding?

EMILY

According to the nurse, but she's useless because she won't do anything that doesn't involve a stethoscope.

LORELAI

I can make something for dad.

EMILY

Oh please!

LORELAI

I can make toast, if the conditions are ideal.

EMILY

He won't eat it, anyway. He'll just snap at me, snapping at everyone in sight. The poor maid quivers every time he comes near her. She just quivers.

LORELAI

Oh that terrible.

EMILY

And his accountant's office keeps calling because he's supposed to be filing an 1120. Who knows what an 1120 is?

LORELAI

I do. It's a federal tax form.

EMILY

[Shouting] Aurora! Well he won't call them back. All he wants to do is watch golf.

LORELAI

What's with all the golf?

EMILY

I have no idea. He just lies there in bed, staring at the TV like a zombie. Everything is falling apart everything is chaotic.

LORELAI

Mom, please, sit down. I'm gonna make you a delicious Mocktail, huh? And then you enjoy that and relax and I'll take care of the chef and I'll make sure that dad takes his medicine so you don't have to worry. Here.

EMILY

Thank you. But I'm going to call Angelique and ask about this 1120.

LORELAI

[Sighs] I'll find aurora. [Shouting comically] Aurora!

SOOKIE

To heat most of these up, you just zap them for a couple minutes.

LORELAI

Okay.

SOOKIE

Don't worry, each meal has a note with cooking instructions, taped to it.

LORELAI

Did I already tell you you're a goddess?

SOOKIE

You might have mentioned something to that effect. Could I be the one with the multiarms?

LORELAI

The who?

SOOKIE

The goddess with all the arms, I want to be her.

LORELAI

Sure. Hey, these look good.

SOOKIE

Don't sound so surprised.

LORELAI

Yeah, but they're supposed to be healthy, right. I mean they're all healthy? [Lorelai cell phone rings]

SOOKIE

They're ridiculously healthy.

LORELAI

[Answering her phone] Hey!

RORY

What did we do for my 8th birthday?

LORELAI

I don't know. Is this a quiz? Are you on some sort of radio contest?

RORY

No for Logan's birthday, I'm trying to put together a night of all the birthday highlights that he missed.

LORELAI

And you're looking for the classics?

RORY

Exactly. I remember that we had an outer-space birthday when I turned 6.

LORELAI

Right. We made space suits out of garbage bags. We had tang and freeze-dried ice cream.

RORY

And then when I turned 7, we did a fiesta birthday.

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Piñatas and tacos and freeze-dried ice cream.

RORY

Oh freeze-dried ice cream is the best. I remember really enjoying my 8th birthday. I just don't remember what it was.

LORELAI

Teddy-bear tea party.

RORY

Oh that's right. So, how's it going over there?

LORELAI

I'd say weirder. Your grandma's a little on edge.

RORY

[her phone beeps] Oh, hey, mom, it's Logan on the other line, can you hold on a sec.

LORELAI

Yeah tell him "happy birthday" for me.

RORY

Will do. [switches to Logan] Happy birthday.

LOGAN

Thank you.

RORY

And happy birthday from my mom.

LOGAN

Thank you. Hey, so my dad just called.

RORY

Oh, he did? Yeah. Apparently, he remembered my birthday, and actually he said he wants to take us out to dinner, you and me.

RORY

Oh. That's... great.

LOGAN

Now I know it's last minute and I know you got your special Gilmore hoopla treatment planned, so we don't have to go if you don't want to go.

RORY

No, no, we should go we can always do the Gilmore hoopla after we have dinner with your dad.

LOGAN

Are you sure, it will probably be lame, for all I know, he's invited us to crash a meeting with Rupert Murdoch.

RORY

Well that's cool. I can hang with mad dog Murdoch.

LOGAN

Okay. Well, cool, cool. Thanks Ace. I'll call him back.

RORY

Happy birthday!

LOGAN

Bye!

RORY

[Switches back to Lorelai] Hey, sorry about that.

LORELAI

How's the birthday boy?

RORY

He's good. He's fine. But I guess his dad called and wants to take us out to a birthday dinner tonight.

LORELAI

That sounds like a load of laughs.

RORY

Yeah, Mitchum -- that man is fundamentally incapable of making me feel anything but small and awful.

LORELAI

Now that's not true, he's made you feel incompetent, too.

RORY

Well I guess Logan was excited that his dad wanted to take us out, so that's sweet. Have you told grandma and grandpa about you and dad yet?

LORELAI

Um, not yet.

RORY

Well I feel obligated to remind you that the lives of 400 Cornish game hens hang in the balance.

LORELAI

Happy Logan's birthday.

RORY

Happy Logan's birthday to you.

LORELAI

Bye. [Hangs up} Mmm, that looks unhealthy.

SOOKIE

Thank you.

T.J.

Oh, I love this song.

LIZ

I don't know why we didn't think of this before.

LUKE

Think of what?

LIZ

Using your fishing line for stringing -- it's really incredible. Durable yet plenty thin and flexible.

LUKE

I'm glade.

LIZ

And some of this doohickeys, man, are really cute. Check it out -- sexy, yeah?

T.J.

Oh, wow, babe, these are gorgeous.

LIZ

Thank you, sweetie.

T.J.

I'm so proud of your sister, Luke. This jewelry stuff has really taken off, you know? And it's great, you know because now I can be the stay-at-home dad I've always dreamed of being while this one goes out and brings home the bacon.

LIZ

We're gonna drive our new van from trade show to trade show, selling the jewelry. Like in a couple weeks, there's this big show in Manhattan.

LUKE

Oh yeah.

LIZ

Yeah at the Javits center.

T.J.

We'll just load up the van, head up 91, and start showing off the family jewels.

LUKE

Oh sounds good but I wouldn't take the 91 through New Haven. There's tons of construction there now. I'd take the Merritt.

LIZ

How do you know?

LUKE

'Cause I went there to visit Lorelai's dad when he had the heart attack.

LIZ

You did?

LUKE

Yeah I thought I told you that.

LIZ

No you told me he had a heart attack. You didn't tell me you went to the hospital.

LUKE

What's the big deal?

LIZ

[Laughs] I don't know. I mean, you went there for Lorelai, and what's going on with her and her husband?

LUKE

I don't know. They split up or something.

LIZ

They did?

LUKE

Yeah, well, a week or so ago.

LIZ

Well, well, well.

LUKE

What?

LIZ

The plot thickens.

LUKE

The plot does not thicken, okay? We're friends -- that's all. I just went out when I heard her dad was sick.

T.J.

Phew! That is a relief.

LIZ

T.J.!

T.J.

What it's a load off my mind, that's all I'm saying. 'Cause I don't think you should get back together with her.

LUKE

Nobody's talking about getting back together with her.

T.J.

Good. 'Cause that woman is drama. Every time you mention her, it's got something to do with the hospital.

LUKE

What!

LIZ

So how's her dad doing?

LUKE

Well good, I guess.

LIZ

You haven't called Lorelai?

LUKE

No.

T.J.

Don't call her. Don't open that Pandora's box.

LIZ

If he wants to call her, he should -- they're friends.

T.J.

Just lock it up, Luke. Lock it up. Solder that baby shut.

MAITRE D

Would you follow me, please? Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table.

LOGAN

"Mr. Huntzberger is already at the table."

RORY

I told you.

MITCHUM

Hey, hey there they are. Happy birthday, Logan. Rory,

RORY

Hi

MITCHUM

Great to see you.

RORY

You too.

MITCHUM

Sit, sit. I took the liberty of ordering a bottle of champagne for the table.

LOGAN

Oh nice.

MITCHUM

Rory, how does that sound?

RORY

Sounds like music to my ears.

MITCHUM

Good, good, so, you look pretty good. You been hitting the squash courts lately?

LOGAN

Oh man I wish. I haven't had much of a chance. I've been working pretty much nonstop these days.

RORY

He has been.

MITCHUM

Well, good for you. A little hard work never hurt anybody. To my son -- now a quarter of a century old. Not bad. And to his lovely girlfriend -- the beautiful and always witty Rory.

LOGAN

Hear, hear.

WAITER

Here's a little Amuse-Bouche with avocado and crabmeat, compliments of the chef.

MITCHUM

Oh, tell Markham thanks.

RORY

You know the chef here?

MITCHUM

Yeah, I've known him for, uh... wow... almost 15 years now. Interesting story, actually -- he was the Sous chef at Le Bernardin, ah for a bunch of years. [Trying the food] Mmm... that's good. That's good crab. Anyway, one day, he just quit -- said he wanted to start his own restaurant. Everyone thought it was a bad idea at the time. The odds were against him. Opening a successful restaurant in Manhattan is like catching a firefly in your hand, only a hell of a lot more expensive.

LOGAN

Well all I can tell you is this Amuse-Bouche is great.

RORY

Yes, my mouth is very amused.

MITCHUM

[Chuckles] That's funny. But it was a very gutsy move. And it paid off.

LOGAN

He caught that firefly.

MITCHUM

Exactly. So, Rory, tell me -- are you still planning to pursue journalism?

RORY

Yes I am, I have been writing some articles for an online magazine and I've just applied for the James Reston reporting fellowship.

MITCHUM

You know what you should read? Philip Meyer's latest book...

RORY

"The Vanishing Newspaper." I read it. I loved it.

MITCHUM

It's an interesting time in journalism. You know. I'll tell you what our field needs -- an infusion of bright, talented people like you, Rory.

RORY

Thank you.

MITCHUM

I mean it.

LORELAI

So, dad took his medicine. He at half of Sookie's chicken and the entire mango smoothie. I got three recommendations of personal chefs from Sookie, two of them I've spoken to on the phone, [handing the notes] there.

EMILY

Thank you. Why are you doing all this?

LORELAI

I'm just trying to help mum. I don't want you to be stressed.

EMILY

But I am. I'm so stressed out I can't find anything.

LORELAI

What are you looking for?

EMILY

Your father's accountant wants all sorts of information so he can file these taxes, which are apparently due in February.

LORELAI

Maybe I can help.

EMILY

How can you help?

LORELAI

Mom, I have a business. I helped dad set up this business. I went to business school. Here let me see that.

EMILY

What are you doing? Don't touch the computer. You could mess something up.

LORELAI

Don't worry, mom. I know what I'm doing. Okay, so he's using quicken. A profit and loss statement, a balance sheet, a schedule of assets are things I can pull up. We can e-mail them to the accountant for the 1120.

EMILY

How do you know about 1120s?

LORELAI

Well I have to file them for the inn. The inn's a corporation just like dad's company.

EMILY

Why is everything a corporation?

LORELAI

We incorporated so we were protected from personal liability. So if someone was horribly allergic to pillow mints and wanted to sue me for a million dollars, I wouldn't have to pay for it out of my own pocket.

EMILY

Your father and I don't have anyone who wants to sue us.

LORELAI

Well, dad probably did it for tax purposes. It looks like he's got a couple of different investments, some stocks, a rental building.

EMILY

Would you like a drink?

LORELAI

Mmm, I thought the house was dry.

EMILY

Vodka or scotch?

LORELAI

Wow, it's a regular speakeasy.

EMILY

Would you like a drink or not?

LORELAI

Vodka, please.

EMILY

I have glasses.

LORELAI

Oh.

EMILY

Serve yourself. Just because your father can't drink doesn't mean the rest of us should suffer. Cheers. [They drink] Ah! That's better.

LORELAI

Mom, Christopher and I split up.

EMILY

Okay... I hardly know what to say.

LORELAI

Really? That's great. You don't have to say anything at all -- now or ever.

EMILY

[Looking at the computer] What's a windmill park?

LORELAI

Uh, it looks like dad owns a couple of windmills in Palm Springs.

EMILY

We own windmills?

LORELAI

Well they're energy generators.

EMILY

I had no idea we owned windmills.

LOGAN

That lamb was terrific, my compliments to the your friend, the chef.

MITCHUM

Well, you're a good orderer. He's always been a good orderer. Even when he was 8 years old, he's always ordered well.

RORY

It's a good skill to have.

MITCHUM

It is, it is and you know what I should do? I should just order whatever you're ordering, no matter what it is.

LOGAN

Brains it is, followed by sweetbreads and some rocky mountain oysters. [Laughter from Mitchum, Logan's cell phone rings] Oh, this is a business thing, if you guys don't mind. [On the phone] Huntzberger here. No, I haven't talked to him yet.

MITCHUM

"Huntzberger here."

RORY

Yeah.

MITCHUM

Last year, if he got a call interrupting dinner, it would be an invitation to go drink some bodies expensive liquor and pull some ridiculous prank. He's growing up.

RORY

Yeah, he's doing really great.

MITCHUM

He is, and it's because of you.

RORY

Oh, I don't know about that.

MITCHUM

No, I know you encouraged him to go to London. I know you used your influence in a positive way, and Logan's mother and I really appreciate it.

RORY

Well, I think Logan deserves all the credit for what he's done.

MITCHUM

No, you're too modest, Rory. You've been a real asset to Logan and to our family.

RORY

Oh, well... thanks.

MITCHUM

I know we've had our differences in the past.

RORY

Yeah.

MITCHUM

But I'm glad to know that we're now clearly on the same page.

RORY

Okay, yeah. Good. [Chuckles]

MITCHUM

To being on the same page?

RORY

To being on the same page.

MITCHUM

I am really glad we got the chance to talk tonight. In part, because we still have more work to do.

RORY

What work?

MITCHUM

Well we have to figure out what his next step should be.

RORY

Uh, well, shouldn't he be figuring that out?

MITCHUM

Well, you're part of the team here. And of course we're gonna take care of you, too.

RORY

What do you mean?

MITCHUM

We have newspapers all around the world. You can take your pick.

RORY

My pick?

MITCHUM

Mm-hmm.

RORY

Um, I seem to remember you saying that I didn't have it.

MITCHUM

Oh, please. Things change. Circumstances change.

LOGAN

Sorry that took so long, have you ever noticed that people in Hong Kong are really chatty?

RORY

No I haven't.

MITCHUM

You know what? That's true. I know a guy from Kowloon, and, man, is he a loquacious son of a bitch. Oh, here we go.

WAITER

Apricot and walnut Verenikis drizzled with a raspberry reduction.

MITCHUM

I told them to make something special, for your birthday.

LOGAN

Thanks. It looks great.

RORY

Happy birthday.

MITCHUM

Make a wish.

MITCHUM

There we go.

LIZ

Hey.

T.J.

Ha?

LIZ

It's your turn.

T.J.

Hey, aren't we supposed to let her just cry to toughen her up and whatnot? Isn't that the latest parenting theory?

LIZ

You only believe in that theory when it's your turn.

T.J.

All right, all right. I just don't want her getting too soft. She's got a wrestling future to think of. Hey, there, little girl. How are you? [Picks Doula up] How are you? Oh.

LIZ

Do you think Luke is lonely? I mean for real.

T.J.

He does look a little lonely around the eyes.

LIZ

I think he's lovesick over Lorelai.

T.J.

Oh, boy.

LIZ

T.J., I'm serious.

T.J.

I just think that he might be better off lonely.

LIZ

I think they belong together.

T.J.

That's not what you said when they broke up. I always thought what you said then made a lot of sense, about them being in two different space-time continuums, something like that.

LIZ

It's all about the wormholes.

T.J.

Between the dimensions?

LIZ

Yep, all they've got to do is find the right wormhole.

T.J.

I don't know.

LORELAI

So, if you want to access your bank and credit-card account information, you... ?

EMILY

Click "cash flow center."

LORELAI

Yes, and if you want to see any of these menus, you right-click right, right... yes.

EMILY

And if I want the hidden account bar, I double-click that arrow thing up there on the left.

LORELAI

Mom, exactly.

EMILY

[Sighs] I don't know how I'm gonna do all this.

LORELAI

Mom, what are you talking about you just click, click, click. You got it all down.

EMILY

Now, but I barely understand what you've been telling me. This is your father's job.

LORELAI

Well, he'll be back on the job soon enough.

EMILY

I don't know. Have you seen him? He's wearing a dressing gown.

LORELAI

I know he's watching TV in the bedroom. I know, mom. You've got to give the guy a break. You know he's not gonna watch TV in the bedroom forever.

EMILY

No. No, he's not.

LORELAI

Oh, my god, I don't mean he's gonna die.

EMILY

What are you telling me? That he's going to live forever? That he's immortal? Is that what you're telling me.

LORELAI

No, I'm just saying, with time, you know...

EMILY

It's like a canoe.

LORELAI

What's like a canoe?

EMILY

Life.

LORELAI

Okay.

EMILY

You're just paddling along in a canoe.

LORELAI

Mother, have you ever been in a canoe?

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

Well I just can't picture you in a canoe.

EMILY

Your father and I have been paddling a canoe together for years. Only now, he's dropped the paddle.

LORELAI

Ahh!

EMILY

He just dropped it. Not only that, but now the canoe is going in circles.

LORELAI

Ah!

EMILY

Without your father there, I'm paddling on my side and the canoe is spinning in circles, and the harder I paddle, the faster it spins, and it's hard work, and I'm getting tired.

LORELAI

Dizzy, I would think.

EMILY

You are in a kayak. You know how to do all of this.

LORELAI

How does that put me in a kayak?

EMILY

Kayaks have paddles with things on both ends. You steer it by yourself.

LORELAI

Mom, you know how to do things by yourself. You are totally capable.

EMILY

Sure, I went to Smith, and I was a history major, but I never had any plans to be an historian. I was always going to be a wife. I mean, the way I saw it, a woman's job was to run a home, organize the social life of a family, and bolster her husband while he earned a living. It was a good system, and it was working very well all these years. Only when your husband isn't there because he's watching television in a dressing gown, you realize how dependent you are. I didn't even know I owned windmills.

LORELAI

Mom, now you know, and you know how to right-click.

EMILY

But you. You provide for yourself. You're not dependent on anyone.

LORELAI

Hmm.

EMILY

You're independent.

LORELAI

I am kayak, hear me roar.

EMILY

I mean, look at you. For all these years, you've done very well without a husband.

LORELAI

Maybe so, but I still wanted it to work out.

EMILY

You know, the way I was raised, if a married couple split up, it was a disaster, because it meant the system had fallen apart, and it was particularly bad for the woman because she had to go out and find herself another rich husband, only she was older now. But with you, it's not such a disaster, is it?

LORELAI

I guess not.

EMILY

I mean It's really not such a horrible thing that you're going to get a divorce, not really. Oh, you're gonna be fine.

LORELAI

[very quite] Thanks, mom.

EMILY

You may even marry someone else someday. Who knows?

LORELAI

[Snorts] Who knows? [Sighs]

LOGAN

Do you know what I think impressed my dad the most? You eating a 24-ounce steak. Seriously, it was, like, a magic trick to him. It was a pretty fun dinner, though.

RORY

Yeah, it was.

LOGAN

Whoa! Look at all this! Ace! Oh, my god, you got me a piñata!

RORY

Well, you deserve a piñata. I couldn't reach the ceiling, so I just... hey, um, Logan...

LOGAN

Yeah?

RORY

Um... your dad and I had a bit of a weird conversation tonight.

LOGAN

Oh yeah.

RORY

Yeah, he started thanking me for guiding you and steering you, or -- I don't know. And then he said that he and I should start planning your future, like, together.

LOGAN

Well, that's my dad for you.

RORY

Well, it felt really weird. I mean I felt like we were conspiring or something. I didn't even agree with what he was saying. I ended up toasting. I toasted him.

LOGAN

What did you toast?

RORY

"To being on the same page," which I'm not. I'm not even on the same page with him. You know I, I actually think that everything you've accomplished is just because you've worked hard, and I'm proud of you. I don't even know how the conversation ended up where it did.

LOGAN

It's okay you know what just happened? You got Huntzbergered. That's what my dad does to people. He's the mast manipulator. You sit down, and you have your own opinions. But by the time you stand up, you hear yourself agreeing with him, and you stagger away confused and queasy.

RORY

Yes! That's exactly it! I got Huntzbergered!

LOGAN

It happens to the best of us.

RORY

Well, I'm glad you're not upset.

LOGAN

No, not at all, I mean, I don't like the fact that the guy thinks of me as some kind of puppet, but I have a hunch that pretty soon, he's gonna have to rethink that one.

RORY

Hmm.

LOGAN

You got me twister. I never had twister.

RORY

You didn't?

LOGAN

No. It was a childhood of deprivation. Oh, and "pin the tail on the --" what animal is that?

RORY

Oh, that was a donkey, but I messed the ears up, put antlers on it. Now it's "pin the tail on the moose."

LOGAN

I never had "pin the tail on the moose" as a boy, either.

RORY

Poor little rich boy. I think that since we're short on time, we should skip strait ahead to the classic 12th birthday -- ice-skating in central park.

LOGAN

Sounds good.

RORY

Great. I'll go change.

LOGAN

[Answering the cell phone] Hey, Philip, what's up, man?

PHILLIP

I'm afraid I've got some grim news.

LOGAN

What, what's going on?

PHILLIP

I just got off the line with our lawyers. They say they just got a cease-and-desist letter from Prism Active, this tech company in Palo Alto, claming prior art on our media 10 platform. They're reviewing the patent now, but...

LOGAN

What do you mean, "prior art"?

PHILLIP

They're claiming patent infringement.

LOGAN

But that's what we bought. Our patent's pending. We bought that technology. That's the entire value of the company.

PHILLIP

But they are saying it's worthless. It was already owned. They were just waiting for someone with deep pockets to buy in before they sued.

LOGAN

Oh, my god.

PHILLIP

I'm so sorry. Happy birthday, man.

MUSIC PLAYING

"They're out to drive me crazy but not right now, I'm high as a cloud... "

RORY

Okay. Close your eyes.

MUSIC PLAYING

"Smoking out the window... "

RORY

Are they closed?

LOGAN

[Sighs] They're closed.

RORY

Okay. Voil.

LOGAN

[Exhales sharply] Wow. It's a giant, furry -- what the hell?

RORY

It's a Russian Ushanka, which also doubles as a birthday crown.

LOGAN

Wow. I bet I look great.

RORY

Mmm, you have no idea.

T.J.

Hey, Luke.

LUKE

Hey T.J.

T.J.

You know what you could use? A changing table.

LIZ

Yeah, and if you're getting stuff for your apartment, you should get a dryer.

LUKE

Yeah I'm not getting things. Why do I need a dryer?

LIZ

Sopping towels.

LUKE

And why are the towels sopping?

T.J.

My bad. I forgot you said not to use the garbage disposal. Well, not forgot, so much as, I thought you were exaggerating.

LUKE

I wasn't exaggerating.

LIZ

And we have more bad news.

LUKE

Oh, yeah?

T.J.

The exterminator said the moths turned out to be rice moths.

LUKE

And this means you'll be staying how much longer?

T.J.

Which means we're headed home right now. Most of the stuff's already in the car.

LIZ

Rice moths are a snap to get rid of. They're already gone. It's just a bummer to leave, 'cause we've been having such a good time.

LUKE

Yeah, yeah, but Doula should be in her own home.

T.J.

That's what we thought, plus your mattress. Not so comfortable, shall we say.

LUKE

Yeah, well, sorry about that.

T.J.

No worries, no worries, but, uh, put it on the list of things you're gonna fix around here. All right, then.

LUKE

Alright.

T.J.

Thanks again.

LUKE

Okay.

T.J.

Your casa is my casa. For that, I'm grateful.

LIZ

You take care.

LUKE

Alright.

LIZ

And call if you're feeling lonely. We will come and visit. Okay, anytime. Anytime.

LUKE

Sounds great.

LIZ

Anytime I mean it. [quietly] Bye.

LUKE

Bye.

LUKE

[Sighs] Oh.

LORELAI

Good morning.

EMILY

Good morning. Would you like some coffee?

LORELAI

Yes. Oh, I woke up this morning, and I've got to say, for the first time in my life, I got where the teetotalers are coming from. If I had a hatchet and a barrel of booze, forget about it.

EMILY

Hmm.

LORELAI

What are you up to today?

EMILY

Today? I'm going to attend a D.A.R. Lecture on native American art work. Then I have a lunch with Sarah Montgomery Brown and Melissa Seria, [sounding annoyed] and, of course, I'll have my hands full canceling the party. I've already called the florist and the hall. We'll only get 60% of our deposit back, but that's better than nothing.

LORELAI

[Inhales deeply] I should go. I need time to change before I have to go to the inn.

EMILY

Fine. [Lorelai starts to leave] Thank you for your help with the Quicken last night.

LORELAI

[Sighs] You're welcome.