T7E16: “Will You Be My Lorelai Gilmore?”

RORY

Are you sure we got enough plain onesies?

LORELAI

Let me see. 40 people have RSVP'ed yes to Lane's shower, and we bought 60 onesies for them to decorate. I don't want to go all "Beautiful Mind" on you, but according to my calculations...

RORY

Yes, Mr. Nash, but you are forgetting about the first-pancake phenomenon.

LORELAI

Eh?

RORY

Yes the first pancake – you know you always throw it out. What if people start decorating their onesies and they hate what they do, so they want to start over and we don't have enough onesies because we only estimated one each?

LORELAI

Why do you throw out the first pancake?

RORY

Well the griddle's too hot. It gets burned.

LORELAI

Oh, my god. Next year, no excuses. We are making you that audition tape for "Top Chef."

RORY

This is pretty basic stuff.

LORELAI

Do you do it with hamburgers and waffles, too?

RORY

No, it's pancake-specific.

LORELAI

Oh, my goodness. Well, that's good news, because onesies are the exact opposite of pancakes. They're totally impossible to screw up. You can slap anything on a onesie and it looks cute.

RORY

Anything?

LORELAI

Yeah. Alligator, fried egg, tools -- these are not generally considered cute items.

RORY

"I'll take the adorable Phillips-head --" not something you hear normally.

LORELAI

[In a high pitch voice] But you put that on a little onesie...

RORY

You're right – it's pretty damn cute.

LORELAI

So cute. All right, we got streamers and balloons, and the cake's in the fridge. The chairs are getting delivered later. All we have to do now is go home and decorate.

RORY

But did we agree on one table for presents or two?

LORELAI

One.

RORY

Well, don't you think two would be better?

LORELAI

One is fine.

RORY

Okay. But I'm not going for "fine," you know? Lane's shower cannot be fine. I want it to be great.

LORELAI

It will be.

RORY

Yeah but how do you know? I don't have the best track record. Lane's bachelorette party, we ended up in Brian's Aunt's basement. [Rory's cell phone rings]

LORELAI

Well, it was your first pancake.

RORY

Hmm. Hold on. [Answering the phone] Hello? Yes, this is Rory. Um... [mouthing to Lorelai] New York Times. [Both girls are excited] Hi. Um, thank you for calling me back. Thank you so much. Um. Yes. Uh... a-as a matter of fact, I will be. The corner of 9th and -- great. Um, okay. Uh, I'll see you then. [Ends the call] Oh, my god.

LORELAI

The New York Times?

RORY

The New York Times!

LORELAI

They called you?

RORY

Oh my...

LORELAI

Why did they call you?

RORY

Well...

LORELAI

Don't even answer. I mean if I was the New York Times, I would be like, "get me Rory Gilmore on the phone, stat."

RORY

"Stat"?

LORELAI

Whatever the equivalent of "stat" is in the news.

RORY

"Now"?

LORELAI

No! At the New York Times, the language is very fancy. You say "promptly," "presently," "two shakes of a lamb's tail." Why did they call you?

RORY

Well, okay, remember that guy Hugo Gray that I met at Logan's work party, the guy who edits the online magazine?

LORELAI

Yeah, you're writing pieces for him.

RORY

Exactly. well Hugo has an in at the times -- this guy A.J. Abrams. He's an assistant managing editor -- really big. And he gave me A.J.'s number and said that I should call him and see if he would get together with me for coffee so I could pick his brain.

LORELAI

A.J.'s brain?

RORY

Well, Hugo's brain had been picked clean.

LORELAI

Hmm.

RORY

But, yeah, I called A.J., And I never heard anything back. I didn't think he was gonna call me, but that was him just now on the phone, and he said that if I was gonna be in the city tomorrow around 1:00, he could meet me for coffee. And I said, "oh, well, as a matter of fact, I will be." He said something about a place on 9th, and I said, "okay," and he said, "see you tomorrow," and I said, "see you then."

LORELAI

Oh, my god, if this is any indication of the crackling spitfire dialogue to come at your coffee tomorrow -- ha!

RORY

Well this is the worst possible time, but I just couldn't say no.

LORELAI

No, you couldn't say no. I mean, let's face it. "Top Chef" is a long shot. This is the New York Times.

RORY

I know but I have so much to do to get ready for Lane's baby shower.

LORELAI

I'll take care of it.

RORY

Are you sure?

LORELAI

Yes, I'm like a professional party-thrower.

RORY

Well, I know, but...

LORELAI

No buts.

RORY

Okay, I mean -- that would be great. I should probably spend the night at Logan's tonight. My laptop's there. I need to print out my résumé. I should. God, I need to prepare. I mean he's gonna expect me to ask him really intelligent questions.

LORELAI

Honey you've been asking intelligent questions since you were 3.

RORY

Yeah I know, he's probably expecting something a little more sophisticated.

LORELAI

Than "what is a color?" 'cause that one, like, blew my mind.

RORY

Mm. Something a little more newspaper-related, at the very least.

LORELAI

You're gonna be great.

RORY

I hope so I mean even if they don't have an opening there, he knows people all across the country, you know? If I impress him, he can set me up with some really good leads.

LORELAI

Yeah, well, tell him your mother thinks you're spectacular.

RORY

I will do. Oh, my god. The New York Times called me -- and not the subscriptions department.

LORELAI

How's the sign? Is it straight?

SOOKIE

Oh, it's cute. Oh the S, that's funny.

LORELAI

Thanks.

SOOKIE

Not what you asked.

LORELAI

No.

SOOKIE

Hit me again.

LORELAI

Is the sign straight?

SOOKIE

Uh, perfect.

LORELAI

Great.

SOOKIE

Ooh, Angelina and Brad had their baby... months and months ago!

LORELAI

Yeah, you're a little behind the times.

SOOKIE

This is the problem with having two kids under the age of 4 -- world events just, you know, pass you by.

LORELAI

Are you done with those favors?

SOOKIE

Mm-hmm. I cannot believe Britney is driving with her baby on her lap like that. What is she doing with that guy, by the way?

LORELAI

Well, you'll be glad to know they've since broken up, although it turns out he was kind of a stabilizing influence in her life. Who knew!

SOOKIE

You're kidding.

LORELAI

Um Hmm. I know -- why don't you blow up some more balloons or hang some streamers?

SOOKIE

I would love to, but it seems like the baby really wants me to just keep sitting here and reading "In Touch".

LORELAI

You know that excuse expires the minute you pop that baby out.

SOOKIE

Yep, but I've got 128 lazy days left.

LORELAI

Hey, why don't you go through the stack of pictures? 'Cause Rory is looking for one of Lane that she wants to blow up.

SOOKIE

Ooh, baby pictures -- fun! What do we got? Oh, god. Ooh! This one is so cute.

LORELAI

That's just of Rory, though.

SOOKIE

I know. She was just an itty-bitty, teeny, little, cutie-patootie, wasn't she?

LORELAI

Yeah, she's cute.

SOOKIE

Oh, she weally, weally was, wasn't she?

LORELAI

Seriously, with the voice...

SOOKIE

Well, sorry. I'm hormonal. [Gasps] I just can't believe this wittle girl might be working at the New York Times.

LORELAI

Yeah she's not so wittle anymore. Hey, less Rory, more Lane.

SOOKIE

Don't blame me. I'm not the one that got camera-happy for this Rory kid.

LORELAI

Alright you know what I'm gonna call Mrs. Kim. She'll have some good ones. Have you seen the phone?

SOOKIE

See, the thing is, when I sat down, I realized it was behind me, kind of right on my lower back, and normally I would have, you know, pulled it out, but it's really kind of hitting just the right spot where I've had a knot for like a week. Did I mention I was pregnant? [Hands Lorelai the phone]

RORY

Logan?

LOGAN

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go back to bed. Go back to bed.

RORY

Logan, it's really late.

LOGAN

I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go back to bed. [Looking in the fridge] Is this all the cheese that we have? I could have sworn we had more cheese.

RORY

It's 3:00 in the morning.

LOGAN

I know. [chucking something to Rory] Here, keep that closed. We're gonna need that in the sandwich-making process.

RORY

Where were you?

LOGAN

What? I was at work.

RORY

What you were at work till 3:00 in the morning?

LOGAN

I work till 3:00 all the time. I mean, not tonight -- tonight, I worked till about 10:00, and that's when Philip and I. We got something to drink, and then a little something turned into a lot of something.

RORY

Yeah!

LOGAN

Who keeps bread in the refrigerator? I hate cold bread. God, these twist ties are impossible.

RORY

Okay, move.

LOGAN

What?

RORY

I'll make you a sandwich.

LOGAN

You will?

RORY

Yes, I will.

LOGAN

Oh, you're so sweet.

RORY

Well, I'm not being sweet. You're just making a mess.

LOGAN

I should have called you.

RORY

Yes, you should have.

LOGAN

Uh-oh. You're mad.

RORY

Yes, I'm mad. I was worried about you. I called you four times before I went to sleep, okay? You didn't answer, no call back.

LOGAN

I'm sorry.

RORY

You're sorry?

LOGAN

Well, my phone was on "off." Which totally sounds like it's on, but it's not. It's on "off," which is on "off." On "off," got it?

RORY

I get it.

LOGAN

What, I'm not allowed to go out with my friends every once in a while? I work hard, okay? I, Life is hard. I just -- I need to...

RORY

You need to what?

LOGAN

I need to not be doing this right now, okay? You know what, forget the sandwich. I'm just gonna go to bed.

RORY

[Sighs]

ZACH

So you're telling me you won't eat this oatmeal?

CUSTOMER

These are rolled oats repeatedly cut, twice steamed, and processed extensively.

ZACH

And the oatmeal you thought you were ordering was...

CUSTOMER

Steel cut, which are whole-grain oats, retaining the more natural, nutty flavor of the original oat kernels.

ZACH

Okay, okay. I think I got it. You're like an analog guy with a CD. You miss the vinyl's cool scratches and pops. I think I can work with that. [Goes to the counter. Too Luke] This dude over here wants to replace this with some sort of steel oatmeal.

LUKE

Tell him we've got it but it takes forever to cook, and then deliver those plates to table 5.

ZACH

I'm on it.

KIRK

Luke, check it out. I've been published.

LUKE

You have?

KIRK

Mother wanted to sell her dinette set, so I put pen to paper, got my creative juices flowing, and voil.

LUKE

You put a want ad in the stars hollow gazette?

KIRK

It's a powerful feeling seeing yourself immortalized in print. Sure, it's only newsprint. It rips easily, it comes off on your fingers, and the next day, people use it to wrap fish, but, hey, it's how Dickens got started.

LUKE

In want ads?

KIRK

Man, this thing really flows -- "Vintage dinette set, Formica, barely chipped, priced to move." It's precise, efficient, Hemingwayesque in its terse simplicity. [Too Zach] Hey, with two buns in the oven, you wouldn't be interested in a dinette set, would you? Seats four.

ZACH

No, thanks, man. Hey, Luke, you still haven't RSVP'ed for the baby shower.

LUKE

Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go.

ZACH

Oh, really?

LUKE

Yeah, it's not my thing, you know? But there's a gift for you in the back. You should take it before you leave.

KIRK

Wait -- gifts are required?

ZACH

Oh yeah, that's kind of the whole point. I mean at least that's how Lane talked me into the whole thing.

KIRK

Damn. It's my first baby shower. I've been so caught up with the wardrobe question. Just to clarify, people don't actually dress like babies, do they?

ZACH

I think what you're wearing is fine, dude. Luke, you should come.

LUKE

Yeah, thanks.

ZACH

Look, it's not gonna be too much of a rager -- real mellow vibe, and I promise not too much baby stuff. There won't be anything weird or queer about it at all.

LUKE

I'll think about it.

KIRK

Listen to this one -- "Does the spray of the open ocean call your name?" Evocative, huh? This guy can write. "Sturdy 15-foot fishing boat. Back-to-back seats, closed bow, meticulously handcrafted." How far out of town is 1211 Elmwood?

LUKE

1211 Elmwood?

KIRK

That's what it says here.

LUKE

Let me see that. That's my boat!

KIRK

Really? How much are you asking? Because I wasn't looking for a boat, but that ad is so snappy, it makes me think I wouldn't mind owning one.

MRS KIM

So what's it going to be, yes or no?

CUSTOMER

Well I really like them. I'm just not sure how they're gonna work in the room.

MRS KIM

They will work they are teak. Teak is a hard working wood.

CUSTOMER

How about I take them out on memo?

MRS KIM

Memo?

CUSTOMER

You know. Bring them home, see how they look, if I like them, then I'll buy them.

MRS KIM

No I do not work with memos, I work with money. You buy them then and you take them home.

CUSTOMER

What if they don't fit next to the bed.

MRS KIM

Then you get a new bed.

LORELAI

Hi Mrs Kim.

MRS KIM

Lorelai.

LORELAI

How's business?

MRS KIM

People die, go bankrupt, there is always furniture to sell.

LORELAI

Sounds good.

MRS KIM

You come for pictures of Lane?

LORELAI

Yeah.

MRS KIM

Here you are.

LORELAI

Thanks.

MRS KIM

[holding off handing them over] I am giving these to you in pristine condition and I expect that is how they will be returned. Do not cut them up or put glue on the back.

LORELAI

I will do my best. [Mrs Kim pulls them away from Lorelai's hand again] I will return them in the condition they were received. [She hand them over] See you at the show.

MRS KIM

Ah, no you won't.

LORELAI

Why?

MRS KIM

I'm not going.

LORELAI

Not going to you daughters baby shower, why not?

MRS KIM

Lane knows why.

LORELAI

Oh there's a problem between you two?

MRS KIM

Yes.

LORELAI

Maybe you could put it aside for one day?

MRS KIM

No.

LORELAI

It's that bigger deal?

MRS KIM

Yes.

LORELAI

Well is there anything Lane can say or do that can change your mind?

MRS KIM

Yes.

LORELAI

Does Lane know what it is?

MRS KIM

Yes.

LORELAI

What do I have, like 14 questions left?

MRS KIM

I have work to do.

LORELAI

Mrs Kim, I know Lane would really like you to be at the shower.

MRS KIM

Well life is full of disappointments. You can show yourself out. [Too the customer] Too late you cannot buy those tables any more.

LORELAI

Okay then.

LANE

AND ZACH'S APARTMENT

LORELAI AND LANE

[together] Hi!

LORELAI

Wow. Sorry, but, hoo! Wow.

LANE

I know every day, I think I can't possibly get any bigger, and then I do.

LORELAI

Hmm, It's looking homey in here.

LANE

Thanks. According to my book, I'm nesting. I hope it stops soon. It's sort of creeping me out. So, what's up?

LORELAI

Um, well, I wanted to talk to you about your mom.

LANE

Oh.

LORELAI

What happened with you guys?

LANE

Ask her.

LORELAI

No, no, no. I've already been through that. You tell me what happened.

LANE

We got in a fight. And now she says she's not coming to my baby shower. So, fine. She's not coming. I don't care.

LORELAI

Lane.

LANE

I don't. Why should I? She doesn't.

LORELAI

Of course she does.

LANE

Not more than she cares about fried shrimp.

LORELAI

You lost me there.

LANE

Well, last night, my mom was over. Zach had cut out an ad for the sea food festival Red Lobster. He was trying to figure out, if we went there after we had the babies, could we get the endless shrimp but at the kids' price?

LORELAI

No. You can only get the kids' price when accompanied by an adult paying full price.

LANE

That blows.

LORELAI

I know. So then what happened?

LANE

So then my mom sticks her nosy head in and said, "The children are not gonna be eating fried shrimp." And I said, "Not only are my children gonna be eating fried shrimp, they're gonna listen to whatever music they want and go to school dances, and they're not gonna spend their whole lives in church hearing about how doing all that makes them evil. In fact, they'll probably never set foot in a church at all. My kids are gonna have total freedom. End of story."

LORELAI

Total freedom, huh?

LANE

Yep.

LORELAI

You're just gonna let them follow their passion, no matter what it is?

LANE

Exactly.

LORELAI

What if you get kids who are passionate about religion? I mean you may have kids who want to study the bible.

LANE

Trust me -- my kids are not gonna want to study the bible.

LORELAI

You don't know what your kids are gonna want. You think your mom thought she was gonna get a kid who loved Jane's Addiction?

LANE

Well...

LORELAI

You might get kids who are nuts for Exodus, crazy for Deuteronomy, and then what? You want them hiding their bibles under the floorboards?

LANE

Well, look, if my kids want to go to bible study, they can go to bible study.

LORELAI

Well, see? And then what about church? If they want to go to church, you're not gonna let them, even at Christmas, when they have the manger you know and the petting zoo with the sheep and the donkeys?

LANE

Well, I might take them at Christmas.

LORELAI

Okay so when you say they're never going to church, you don't really mean they're never going to church.

LANE

Okay, not never, never, but mostly never.

LORELAI

Can't you tell your mom that?

LANE

No way.

LORELAI

Can I tell your mom that?

LANE

Okay, if you want, but tell her I am not bending on the shrimp thing.

LORELAI

Well I got you there Fried shrimp is one of the best things on the planet.

LANE

A double whammy -- unclean meat fried in unclean oil.

LORELAI

That doesn't sound as good, but look at it this way. For the first year, your kids probably won't be eating solid food anyway, and I don't think they make mashed fried shrimp.

LANE

So?

LORELAI

So, you could tell your mother that your kids will not eat fried shrimp for at least a year, right?

LANE

Well, technically.

LORELAI

"Technically" is good enough for me. You sit tight. I'll be back.

RORY

[Sighs] It's after 12:00. Is anyone alive in there?

LOGAN

I'm alive, but I think my brain is dead.

RORY

I'll alert the transplant team.

LOGAN

You gave away my organs?

RORY

They're waiting on the roof with a cooler.

LOGAN

Ah-ha.

RORY

Take these.

LOGAN

I do will I wake up in a bathtub full of ice with no kidneys?

RORY

If you did, would you feel better or worse?

LOGAN

About the same.

RORY

Your dad's secretary called three times this morning.

LOGAN

Okay, now I feel worse.

RORY

Logan, what's going on?

LOGAN

Nothing.

RORY

You're not gonna call your dad back?

LOGAN

My head grew three sizes overnight. I'm in no condition to talk to anybody. Why are you so dressed up?

RORY

Coffee with the New York Times -- the whole reason why I stayed over last night.

LOGAN

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's today.

RORY

Yes, and Lane's baby shower. I'm gonna need you to be ready to leave for Stars Hollow the second I get back. We're gonna be cutting it really close. Lane's shower starts at 4:00. I should be back by 2:00 or 2:30 at the latest. Got it?

LOGAN

Got it.

RORY

Okay, I'll just come home, grab my outfit, and we'll go. I'm gonna need you to drive because I have to change in the backseat, "Dirty Dancing"-style. [Phone rings] Do you want me to get that?

LOGAN

Leave it.

RORY

If you don't want to get up, I can...

LOGAN

I said, "leave it." [small pause] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [Ringing continues]

RORY

I better go. I don't want to be late.

ANSWERING MACHINE

It's Logan. Leave a message. [Beep]

DORIS

[leaving a message] Hi, Logan. It's Doris from your father's office again. If you could just give us a call back here at the office as soon as you get this message.

LOGAN

[Groans]

DORIS

[continuing] I know you have the number, but just in case...

LIZ

AND T.J.'S GARAGE

T.J.

ee? Look at it. It's just sitting here gathering dust and taking up space.

LIZ

Yeah if we got rid of the boat, we could turn this place into a workshop for my jewelry, and I really could use the space. Doula's gonna be crawling around soon, getting into everything.

T.J.

And jewelry-making's really a dangerous business, Luke. You got all those tiny beads -- choking hazards galore.

LIZ

Yeah, babies really like to put stuff in their mouth.

T.J.

They can't help it. They get mesmerized. I mean the little suckers look so much like candy or pistachio nuts, you just want to pop them in your mouth.

LIZ

Yeah, so as you can see, we could really use the space.

LUKE

So you were just gonna sell the boat out from under me.

LIZ

Of course not.

T.J.

We just figured we'd take an ad, get an offer, see what you say.

LIZ

Yeah, could be great, huh? I mean you get a little extra cash, we get a little extra space.

T.J.

Plus, we were thinking maybe you could invest some of the profits from the boat in Liz's business.

LIZ

If you felt like it was the right thing to do.

T.J.

But it does kind of make sense since we went through the trouble of selling the boat... and storing it. [Doula fusses on the baby monitor] Whoa. Doula alert. Not up yet -- just a squawk.

LUKE

[Sighs] Look, guys, I appreciate your situation here, but I'm not selling the boat. Dad left it to me. It's my boat. End of discussion.

LIZ

Luke.

LUKE

Hey, look, don't worry, all right? I'll find another place to store it.

LIZ

Like where?

LUKE

I don't know. I'll find a place, another place.

LIZ

What's the point of hanging on to it? You're never gonna use it.

LUKE

I might.

LIZ

You might. Dad might.

LUKE

What are you talking about?

LIZ

The boat. Dad spent like what 20 years working on the thing. You spent another 20.

LUKE

So?

LIZ

How many generations are gonna cart this thing around town? Look, get rid of it for your own sake, before you end up like dad.

LUKE

What does that mean?

LIZ

Oh, okay. Okay, forget it.

LUKE

No, I want to know. What does that mean?

LIZ

He was stuck, Luke.

LUKE

He was happy.

LIZ

He was stuck doing the same thing at the same time the same way every day of his life.

LUKE

So? He did the things that made him happy.

LIZ

Dad didn't do stuff 'cause it made him happy. He did stuff because he was afraid to do anything else.

LUKE

Come on, that's crap.

LIZ

Luke, I loved dad as much as you did.

LUKE

Look, he was good to us.

LIZ

Of course he was. I'm just saying sometimes a little change can be a good thing.

LUKE

My boat, my decision. I'm not selling it. All right?

LIZ

Okay.

LUKE

All right.

LIZ

Okay.

LUKE

I'll have it out of here by tomorrow.

LIZ

[Sighs]

LORELAI

Hello?

RORY

How bald do you have to be to be bald?

LORELAI

Is this a Zen call? You know I hate those.

RORY

Does it mean completely bald, or does it count if there's no hair on top but a little on the sides?

LORELAI

Well, in my experience, if a man describes himself as bald, there is nary a hair.

RORY

Nice use of "nary."

LORELAI

I'm trying to get you in the New York Times mood, use some fancy language.

RORY

Well, I will remember that if I can ever find the guy. Who knew New York was the bald-guy capital of the world?

LORELAI

Well I think that's on their license plate.

RORY

I'm telling you, they're everywhere, and since I don't know which one A.J. Is, every time one walks in the door, I just smile at him.

LORELAI

And let me guess -- they're all smiling back.

RORY

What's wrong with me? What kind of reporter am I going to be if all I got was "bald guy"?

LORELAI

Oh, relax. He knows what you look like, right?

RORY

I just hate this waiting you know. What should I do? Should I go order a coffee without him? Should I wait for him?

LORELAI

Order coffee. He won't mind.

RORY

Well, I can't, really. I'm at a table I don't even know if I should be sitting down already, but I walked in and it was really crowded, and this woman left her table, so I grabbed it, and now I'm scared to get up because maybe I'll lose it.

LORELAI

Keep the table, skip the coffee.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah and when he gets there, go decaf.

RORY

Yeah, I know I'm a little nervous, but it's only because doing well at this meeting could mean the difference between interviewing world leaders and standing on street corners with pictures of celebrities in matching outfits asking passersby who wore it best.

LORELAI

Pretty high stakes.

RORY

I know. Distract me. How's the shower stuff going?

LORELAI

Um...

RORY

Oh, something's wrong!

LORELAI

No, nothing's wrong.

RORY

Oh, I knew it. My second pancake's gonna suck, too.

LORELAI

I've got it all under control. You just focus on finding the right bald guy.

RORY

Oh, another one just walked in.

LORELAI

Oh, head-to-hair ratio?

RORY

Very low. Stand by while I attempt to make eye contact.

LORELAI

Look at it this way -- you're making a lot of bald men feel very good about themselves today.

RORY

I better go.

LORELAI

Knock 'em dead, kid.

RORY

Oh, god.

MRS KIM

So, you're giving me a guarantee for Christmas and Easter.

LORELAI

As a minimum.

MRS KIM

And there will be a possibility of bible study and no unclean meats for at least a year. That's a start, at least.

LORELAI

So, do we have a deal?

MRS KIM

No, I never take first offer. This is what I want – attendance at weekly church services, bible study twice a week, Adventist summer camp, no unclean meats or hydrogenated oils, Christmas will be celebrated with no gifts, and there will be no sandboxes or parties with pony rides.

LORELAI

What's wrong with ponies?

MRS KIM

Flies buzzing around, carrying infectious diseases.

LORELAI

Alright no infected ponies, fine. But sandboxes? I mean, come on. Kids play, they go to the park. You have to be reasonable.

MRS KIM

It is not reasonable for Lane to think that she will raise my grandchildren as heathens while I stand by and do nothing.

LORELAI

I understand, Mrs. Kim. It's a really sensitive subject.

MRS KIM

No, you don't. Your daughter doesn't reject everything you stand for.

LORELAI

But Lane is not rejecting you. You guys are just different. God knows my mother and I had differences.

MRS KIM

Yes. God does know.

LORELAI

Look... there are times when you have to put those differences aside. Like, you know Joseph, from the bible, and how his brothers got all mad at him about that dreamcoat. Yes, and so they sold him into slavery.

LORELAI

Yeah. I don't think that was in the musical. The point is there are fights you can recover from and fights you can't, and not going to your daughter's baby shower -- I mean, I know it's hard, but I don't want you to draw a line in the sand now that you can't cross later. My mother missed so much. I don't want that to happen to you.

APRIL

Hello?

LUKE

Hey.

APRIL

Hey, dad.

LUKE

How was swim practice?

APRIL

Drills, drills, drills. Coach Scott made us swim with our fists closed.

LUKE

What does that do?

APRIL

Probably nothing -- just looks funny. Oh I did get to work on my backward racing start.

LUKE

How'd that go?

APRIL

Not so good. I think I ended up with half the pool up my nose.

LUKE

Eh, you'll get better.

APRIL

Can't get much worse.

LUKE

So, how's your mom doing?

APRIL

Good. Little stressed about the new store. She likes the space, but she's not sure about the location. Strip malls bum her out. So what's going on?

LUKE

Nothing. You know, business as usual. I saw your cousin Doula today. She looks good. She's getting bigger.

APRIL

You promised you'd send me new pictures.

LUKE

I will. I will. So, look, I was thinking about this summer when you come to visit.

APRIL

I can't wait.

LUKE

Yeah, me too. So, I was thinking maybe we should take a trip.

APRIL

A trip?

LUKE

Yeah, a big one, you know? I mean you're gonna be here for what like six weeks, right? So maybe we should just take off.

APRIL

And go where?

LUKE

You know, I don't know. I was thinking Florida.

APRIL

Florida?

LUKE

Yeah, you know, go down to [emphasizing] Disneyworld.

APRIL

You want to go to Disneyworld?

LUKE

Yeah. You know you've never been there. I've never been there. We could fly down to Florida and check out Miami Beach and then go to... [emphasizing] Disneyworld.

APRIL

I-I can't imagine you at Disneyworld -- or at the beach, for that matter.

LUKE

W-why not?

APRIL

I don't know -- riding roller coasters, getting your picture taken with Mickey Mouse. I'm just having trouble picturing it.

LUKE

Yeah, well...

APRIL

Look, dad, you don't have to do this. It's okay. I mean I'm looking forward to the summer and all, but it's not like I'm expecting anything.

LUKE

Oh, no, sure.

APRIL

I mean, I'm fine just hanging out at the diner like we always do -- wipe down tables, refill salt and pepper shakers. It's our thing. Really, honestly, it's fine.

LUKE

Uh... oh, okay.

APRIL

Oh, mom wants to talk to you real quick about some travel stuff for my spring break. But don't hang up, 'cause I want to read you something I wrote.

LUKE

Oh, yeah?

APRIL

We had to write a five-page fictional story featuring someone we know as the hero, and I chose Kirk. It's hilarious. I'll give you to mom, and I'll get the story.

LUKE

Okay, great.

LANE

AND ZACH'S APARTMENT

LORELAI

Hi. Can we come in?

LANE

Sure. Whatever.

LORELAI

Isn't that nice? So great. Okay. [they sit down] Here we go. So...

MRS KIM

So.

LANE

So, what?

LORELAI

Your mother has something she'd like to say to you.

MRS KIM

You say it.

LORELAI

Me? Um... you'll jump in? Okay. Uh, Lane, um... your mother realizes that the two of you have differences. She might not always agree with all of your decisions.

MRS KIM

No "might." She doesn't agree.

LANE

I know. You've made yourself perfectly clear.

LORELAI

Lane.

LANE

Sorry. Go on.

LORELAI

She doesn't agree with all your decisions. However, she knows how much you love and respect her. Don't you, Lane?

LANE

Of course I do.

LORELAI

And she'd very much like to come to your shower.

LANE

Really?

LORELAI

Really.

LANE

[getting up] Thank you, mom. Oh!

MRS KIM

Lane?

LORELAI

You okay?

LANE

I think so.

MRS KIM

What's wrong? Are you going into labor?

LANE

I don't know. I've never been in labor before.

LORELAI

You might have had a contraction. We'll wait and see if you have another...

MRS KIM

There will be no waiting. You will drive us to the hospital right now. Hurry, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Okay.

MRS KIM

Careful, Lane. Wait. I'll get it. [opens the door]

LORELAI

Uh, well, okay.

MRS KIM

Careful

LORELAI

You got it. All right. Here we go.

LANE

AND ZACH'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM

LANE

I can't believe I'm on bed rest. This sucks.

LORELAI

Oh, come on, haven't you ever had one of those lazy Sundays where you stay in bed all day? Just think of this as one long lazy Sunday.

ZACH

Yeah baby, plus you get to eat all your meals on trays, that's pretty cool. And I'm gonna hang out with you, just like John and Yoko.

LANE

This is your fault.

MRS KIM

Mine? [Too Lorelai] See what I deal with?

LORELAI

Lane.

LANE

We shouldn't have gone to the hospital.

MRS KIM

Better I watch my daughter writhe in pain?

LANE

I wasn't writhing. Lorelai, tell her I wasn't writhing.

LORELAI

You know does it really matter who was or wasn't writhing? I mean your mom was worried about you.

LANE

Yeah, right. She's probably happy.

MRS KIM

Why would I be happy?

LANE

Because now I can't have my party.

MRS KIM

Lane Van Gerbig, what is wrong with you? Parties are not the most important thing in life.

LANE

I know.

MRS KIM

Do you?

LANE

Of course. It's just that this one is my last.

LORELAI

Why is it your last?

LANE

I'm about to be a mother.

LORELAI

Um, mothers can have parties.

LANE

Not for themselves. They only do things for their children. She did everything for me. And... I'm... gonna be the same way.

MRS KIM

You will have the party.

LANE

How?

MRS KIM

Uh... Lorelai will figure something out.

ZACH

Cool!

RORY

Hello. I'm home.

LORELAI

Hey. How'd it go?

RORY

Awesome. Logan! You're not dressed! It's 2:30. You were supposed to be dressed and ready.

LOGAN

I'm dressed.

RORY

But not for Lane's shower. Come on, get up. Let's go.

LOGAN

Wait, wait. Sit down. Tell me how it went.

RORY

I'll tell you on the way. Come on.

LOGAN

Wait. Sit down. I have to tell you something.

RORY

Well, that doesn't sound so good.

LOGAN

It's not. Look, I screwed up, okay? Big-time.

RORY

What's going on?

LOGAN

The company I bought, the new business I was trying to start? It's a bust.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

We're going belly-up because of me. I lost everybody's money -- my money, my dad's money, all our investors' money, the parking-lot attendant's money, the hot-dog vendor's money. I lost money I didn't even know I had.

RORY

Logan, be serious.

LOGAN

I am.

RORY

Well... if you are, then back up a step. Explain this to me.

LOGAN

There's nothing to explain. The second we bought this company, all these lawsuits came out of the woodwork.

RORY

So...

LOGAN

So one of them has merit, which means we're screwed -- no money, no jobs, no nothing.

RORY

Um... I don't understand. How long have you known about this?

LOGAN

Weeks.

RORY

Weeks? Why didn't you say something about it to me?

LOGAN

I don't know. I thought maybe I could fix it, you know? I was looking for loopholes.

RORY

Well, you can keep looking. You'll find one.

LOGAN

No, we can't. Look, it's over. Philip and I got the final call last night from our patent lawyers. Their case is solid. There's nothing we can do but settle. I screwed up, okay? I rushed in. I didn't do my research. It's all my fault.

RORY

Well, I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure there's something...

LOGAN

Rory, you're not getting this. This is huge. This isn't something you can fix with a plucky, good attitude and a can-do spirit.

RORY

Well, I'm just trying to help.

LOGAN

I know.

RORY

Well, what about your dad? What's he say about all this?

LOGAN

I haven't talked to him.

RORY

Logan, you're gonna have to talk to him.

LOGAN

Rory, don't give me any grief about this. Any minute now, Mitchum is gonna be busting through that door chomping at the bit to tell me what a gigantic failure I am.

RORY

God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about all this.

LOGAN

I know you are.

RORY

Well, you'll get through it. We'll get through it. I mean, whatever happens, we'll figure it out together.

LOGAN

Sure. And I'm sorry about today. I just can't deal with a baby shower.

RORY

No, I know. I get it. I mean the minute it's over, I will come back, and I'll bring cake.

LOGAN

You don't have to hurry.

RORY

I want to.

LOGAN

No it's cool, don't worry about it. I'm not gonna be here.

RORY

You're going out?

LOGAN

I'm gonna go to Vegas with Colin and Finn.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Yeah I just need to blow off steam for a couple days.

RORY

With Colin and Finn.

LOGAN

It's perfect timing. Colin's got his dad's jet all gassed up at Teterboro. I'm gonna meet him in an hour.

RORY

To go to Vegas with Colin and Finn.

LOGAN

Yeah. Finn bought a racehorse with George Maloof. How hilarious is that? I'm gonna go take a shower.

RORY

Um are you kidding me? This is really what you want to do?

LOGAN

I just need a break, okay? [he kisses Rory in the cheek] Tell Lane I said congrats.

KIRK

Word on the street is you want to sell your boat.

LUKE

I called you Kirk.

KIRK

Yeah but I was on the street what I got that call and to be honest with you, I was a little surprised to hear about this turn of events.

LUKE

It's not a turn of events Kirk. I just want to sell my boat.

KIRK

But you've always been really attached to this boat. Hell I thought you'd take it to your grave with you, maybe you'd row yourself across the River Styx.

LUKE

Yeah well turns out I'm not using it, you interested?

KIRK

[Kicking the trailer tires] It does suit me and it would be great for water skiing. Lulu loves water skiing. She also loves carriage rides. You're not selling a carriage are you?

LUKE

Just the boat Kirk.

KIRK

Hmmm.

LUKE

You interested or not?

KIRK

How much we talking?

LUKE

$600.

KIRK

I was thinking more around three.

LUKE

Price isn't negotiable.

KIRK

Okay 400.

LUKE

Non negotiable $600 price includes everything Kirk, even the trailer.

KIRK

590.

LUKE

$600, Kirk.

KIRK

595 and you throw in a life preserver and a captain's hat?

LUKE

600 and you buy your own captain's hat.

KIRK

But you'll throw in a life preserver?

LUKE

Deal. Just have it out of here A.S.A.P.

KIRK

Sucker.

LORELAI

Oh, plates and cups right by the food. Art supplies over at the onesies table. Thanks. Hey, Sookie, I forget -- are these edible or soap?

SOOKIE

Soap.

LORELAI

Hmmm. Oh, this is a party favor -- not near the candy pacifiers.

BABETTE

Sugar, what do you think? Is it straight?

LORELAI

It looks great. Patty, how are you doing?

MISS PATTY

Adorable. There is nothing cuter than a baby in a onesie -- except, of course, Anthony Quinn in a onesie.

LORELAI

I'll take your word for it.

RORY

Mom!

LORELAI

Hey! How'd it go?

RORY

Why did the baby shower get moved to miss patty's?

LORELAI

Oh, it's a long story. Now tell me about the meeting.

RORY

It was great. It was, it was so great. But what's going on here?

LORELAI

Okay "Great's" not gonna do it. I need big, juicy details. All right, Lane had contractions. She went to the hospital, but it was a false alarm. She's okay. She is on bed rest.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

I know. But now, tell me, from the moment that the right bald guy smiled at you -- and walk.

RORY

Why are we going?

LORELAI

How are your shoes?

RORY

My shoes?

LORELAI

Good arch support? Good traction? Good.

RORY

What?

MRS KIM

Slow down. [to a car] Hold it! Hold it. Too fast.

LANE

Mom, I'm fine. Hey, this is fun. Don't they push a bed through the streets in the opening credits of "The Monkees"?

ZACH

I'm pretty sure it was a bathtub.

LORELAI

Actually it was both -- Davy's in the bed. Peter's in the bathtub.

ZACH

Are you sure? 'Cause I could have sworn...

RORY

Oh Zach, you don't want to go head-to-head with her about "Monkees" trivia.

MRS KIM

[too a car driver] You did not come to a full stop! And use your blinkers!

ZACH

Okay, we're turning around.

ALL OF THEM

Okay, hold on, Lane!

MRS KIM

Hold on. Are you ready? Here we go. Hold tight. You all right?

LANE

Yep. I'm good.

MUSIC

Baby oh, baby I love to call you baby baby oh, my baby I love for you to call me baby, when it's sweet...

LORELAI

Looking good. You done there, Patty?

MISS PATTY

I'm done. How you doing, hon?

LORELAI

Oh, doing great.

MISS PATTY

Yeah? I mean about the whole Christopher thing.

LORELAI

Oh, um... fine, you know, moving forward, moving on.

MISS PATTY

Good.

BABETTE

If you ask me, Gil's the one to beat.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, I saw him do that whole thing freehand.

LULU

[gushing] He's an amazing man. [Seriously] As is Kirk.

LORELAI

Don't worry, Lulu. It's the rock-star thing.

MISS PATTY

Dean martin singing "Mambo Italiano" -- I will never forget it.

GYPSY

Oh, great. I need another one.

LORELAI

Oh, no, no. What are you doing? Well, I was trying to make a little truck, but the flatbed kept running around to the back.

LORELAI

Well, no do-overs, so just turn that into something else.

BABETTE

Yeah I tried to make Snoopy -- figured he's easy to draw, and what kid doesn't like Snoopy, right? Plus, as the added bonus, he's black-and-white, and the onesie's already white, so I only got to add the black. But it's looking more like a chocolate-chip cookie, a big one -- which is okay, 'cause what kid doesn't like a cookie?

GYPSY

What am I supposed to turn this into?

BABETTE

I don't know -- a blob?

LORELAI

Make it a bunch of blobs – you know, a baby's first Rorschach test.

MISS PATTY

Oh, yeah. I see a ballerina about to take flight.

BABETTE

I see cheese.

LORELAI

See? Something for everyone. All right, have fun.

GIL

[looking at a picture] Whoa! This one's homely, man. Look it's got Zach's giant ears and Lane's glasses. I feel for that kid. Gonna have a rough life. But it will probably help to fuel his music. You know, you got to feel pain to create the really good stuff. Yeah, this one's gonna get the chicks, but that one's gonna be the genius.

BRIAN

You know these aren't what Lane and Zach's kids are really gonna look like. It's one of those computer morphing programs.

GIL

Yeah, dude. I have kids. I know how it works.

LANE

Thanks for coming.

GIL

Yo, hello. What's up, guys?

RORY

Hi, everyone. Um I don't want to interrupt the fun. I just wanted to say thank you for coming to this somewhat unconventional baby shower, which is actually perfect, because when do Lane and Zach ever do anything that's conventional?

RORY

I've known Lane now for -- what has it been? 17 years?

LANE

Yeah.

RORY

And... I'm just sick of her already.

RORY

No, actually, I just love you and Zach so much, and I just can't wait to meet those boys. So thank you so much for coming. Keep having fun. And just eat, drink, and keep decorating those onesies. [Hops of the chair]

ZACH

Thanks, Rory. This party rocks.

RORY

Ah, it's all due to my mom, though. I planned, she executed.

ZACH

Well, you both rock.

RORY

Well, how often does a girl's best friend have twins?

LANE

Just once, let's hope.

ZACH

Yeah, no kidding. You want a drink, babe?

LANE

Maybe a lemonade.

ZACH

Coming right up.

LANE

Seriously, Zach's right. This party is amazing. Everything you guys did -- truthfully, I didn't think it was actually gonna happen.

RORY

Yes well, that whole bed-rest thing really threw a wrench in.

LANE

Plus the fight.

RORY

What fight?

LANE

You didn't hear about the fight? Me and my mum, classic Kim family grudgefest? If not for your mom, we might have gone the way of Pretty Girls Make Graves. They were so young and had so many killer albums left in them.

RORY

So my mom brokered peace?

LANE

Hard-core. Listen... here's the thing. Um... my kids are gonna need that, too -- you know, when they're hiding bibles and they can't stand me. So what I wanted to know is... would you be their Lorelai Gilmore? I guess that's the proper term.

RORY

Real??

LANE

I can't think of anyone who would be better. Plus, you already have the name.

RORY

I'd love to. Yeah. Thanks.

MRS KIM

Here.

LORELAI

Hi, Mrs. Kim. What's this?

MRS KIM

Open it.

LORELAI

It's a doorknob.

MRS KIM

Not just any doorknob -- John Adams' doorknob. You are familiar with our second president, I assume?

LORELAI

Not personally.

MRS KIM

You're making a joke?

LORELAI

Little one.

MRS KIM

That's what I thought. Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I wanted you to know that.

LORELAI

Hence the doorknob.

MRS KIM

Yes.

LORELAI

Thank you.

MRS KIM

Don't tarnish it, or its value will decrease.

LORELAI

Okay.

MRS KIM

Do you have my pictures?

LORELAI

I-I-I left them at home. I'll drop them off tomorrow.

MRS KIM

You do that.

LORELAI

Hey, you guys.

JACKSON

Hey.

SOOKIE

Hey, you. Way to go. It's a great party.

LORELAI

It is, right? I could have used another gift table, though.

JACKSON

Yeah, somebody went crazy.

SOOKIE

I wouldn't say "crazy."

JACKSON

Wait -- that's all from us?

SOOKIE

Well, I felt bad. I had already promised them all of our old stuff from Martha and Davey, and then I had to renege.

JACKSON

So they get all new stuff, and we have to keep all the crappy hand-me-downs? How does that make any sense?!

SOOKIE

[Rubbing her belly] Whose fault is this, huh?

LORELAI

Nice talking to you. See you later.

KIRK

Ahoy, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Yeah, Kirk. What's with the hat?

KIRK

Oh, this? No big deal. Just bought myself a boat.

LORELAI

A boat?

KIRK

Yeah, the S.S. Lurk. It's a combination of my name and Luke's since it used to be his boat.

LORELAI

Oh, you bought Luke's boat.

KIRK

Yeah, she needs a little more work before she's seaworthy, but as soon as she is, I'll take you out. You can be Ginger to Lulu's Mary Ann. Let's lock down dates now. When are you free?

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Oh, well, we'll figure it out later. Bye.

LORELAI

Perfect timing. You save me from a three-hour tour of the S.S. Lurk.

RORY

The what?

LORELAI

Ah Kirk bought Luke's old boat.

RORY

Does he even have a driver's license?

LORELAI

I don't think so.

RORY

Well, I'm staying out of the water.

LORELAI

Good kid.

RORY

[Giggle] Why didn't you tell me about the whole drama with Mrs. Kim?

LORELAI

Honey you had your meeting. You were nervous enough already.

RORY

Yeah, I was, wasn't I? Oh you got the whole brunt of that freak-out. I'm so sorry.

LORELAI

That's okay. So do you think it went well?

RORY

I do I think it went really well. I mean, the Reston fellowship is a long shot. They only pick four people out of the whole country, and that's including college seniors and graduate students. So?

LORELAI

So you and three other people.

RORY

Yeah, but can you imagine it? I would be an intern at the New York Times. I would be up for bi-lines.

LORELAI

I can imagine it.

RORY

Well I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm just not even gonna think about it.

LORELAI

Can I think about it?

RORY

Yes, but not around me.

LORELAI

Deal. So, when is Logan getting here?

RORY

Oh. He's not.

LORELAI

Why?

RORY

Um... it's a long story. I guess there was this huge disaster at his work.

LORELAI

Oh, no.

RORY

Yeah, I guess the company he bought is being sued, and he's losing all kinds of money -- not only his own money, his dad's money. It's awful, and he feels awful. At least that explains why he's acting awful.

LORELAI

What do you mean?

RORY

Well, right now, he's on a private jet to Vegas with Colin and Finn.

LORELAI

Ahh, "Got kicked out of Argentina with the Bush twins" Colin and Finn? I'm so sorry. You okay?

RORY

Yeah, I'm fine. I mean I just kinda wish that he'd told me about this earlier, you know that I'd known it was going on. Maybe I could have helped.

LORELAI

Honey I don't think there's anything you could have done.

RORY

Yeah, I know, but maybe I could have tried, you know? And now he just took off, which -- I get it. He needs to blow off some steam, but I just wish he could have come to the party. It would have meant so much. He could have met everyone.

LORELAI

I know.

RORY

But I'm sure we'll figure it out. Oh, hey, Lane asked me to be her Lorelai Gilmore to her kids, like you were to her.

LORELAI

Oh!

RORY

Yeah. Big shoes to fill.

LORELAI

Well, luckily, we have similar feet.

RORY

[giggles]

LORELAI

Oh.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Oh, it's nothing.

RORY

Come on.

LORELAI

I just think my first pancake turned out pretty darn good.

ZACH

Hey. Sorry to interrupt.

LORELAI

That's all right.

ZACH

I was just wondering if we should bring the cake out now, because Lane's got that low-blood-sugar look in her eye.

RORY

Oh, yeah, let's do it.

LUKE

Seems like yesterday she was taking up three tables at the diner with those giant books of hers.

LORELAI

Hmm.

LUKE

Yep. She was something. Is something.

LORELAI

So, uh, what's this I hear about Kirk buying your boat?

LUKE

Oh, well... I just realized I was never gonna take that thing out. I mean, all that time I spent trying to fix it up... so I bought a new one.

LORELAI

Wha, Ah, When?

LUKE

Today -- got the idea in my head a couple hours ago, went down to the shipyard in Bridgeport, and just did it.

LORELAI

You just bought a boat.

LUKE

Yeah, yeah and it's even bigger and better than the old one. I mean it's got everything. It's got a little kitchen, a bathroom, even a place to sleep.

LORELAI

Wow.

LUKE

I'm just gonna keep it in the marina you know, And then when April comes to visit in the summer, you know I'll take it out on little trips, you know go away for a few weeks.

LORELAI

Luke, that sounds really nice.

LUKE

Right?

LORELAI

God, I can't believe you bought a boat in a day. It used to take you a week to buy a t-shirt.

LUKE

Yeah, well, things change.

LUKE

I'll see you inside?

LORELAI

Mm-hmm.

RORY

All right, everyone, here comes cake!

ZACH

Ready, fellas. One, two, three, four...

SINGING

[Gil on guitar] Hush, little baby, don't say a word papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird and if that mockingbird don't sing papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring and if that diamond ring turns brass papa's gonna buy you a looking glass and if that looking glass gets broke papa's gonna buy you a billy goat and if that billy goat won't pull...