T7E17: “Gilmore Girls Only”

LORELAI

Oh, Moonpies.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

It's a wonderful part of a road trip, the stopping for Moonpies.

RORY

Mom, I want to go. I can't.

LORELAI

I know. I know. End of semester -- lots of work.

RORY

Not lots -- tons. I'm sorry.

LORELAI

Yeah, yeah. It's just...

RORY

What "it's just"?

LORELAI

Well, it's just, you know, a shame to miss the wedding of a woman who meant so much to you.

RORY

Mom, I talked to Mia. I apologized profusely. I told her it was simply impossible for me to drop everything right now and go to North Carolina. [about the outfit] No, right?

LORELAI

No.

RORY

Yeah. She totally understood.

LORELAI

Well, of course, she understood. She understood when I was 17 and I arrived at the inn, holding a little, tiny baby in my arms, and rain was pouring down.

RORY

As long as you're not milking this.

LORELAI

And she understood when you broke that teacup of hers, what was that the Wnglish rose pattern when you were 4.

RORY

Okay, mom.

LORELAI

Yeah, I think that was an antique, wasn't it? But, oh, she understood.

RORY

Hello. Statute of limitations.

LORELAI

You know why? Because she is an understanding, kind, and loving woman who loves you. That's cute.

RORY

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

I don't know if "cute" is what I'm going for on an interview for a newspaper, but.

LORELAI

Worked for Brenda Starr. Worked for Lois Lane.

RORY

Ah so if I get a job as a journalist in a comic strip, this is the one.

LORELAI

Oh, do you remember when we used to do road trips you know when you were little, and we'd play "I spy"?

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

And you'd say, "I spy something with four wheels." And I'd be like, "is it a cow?" Dah, 'Cause that's funny and fun.

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

Road trips are so fun.

RORY

They are, but I don't feel like I can go, especially with Logan freaking out on me. I mean he's running off to Vegas, coming home drunk, giving me attitude, not calling his dad back.

LORELAI

Still?

RORY

Yes, and while I'm mad at him, because he's acting this way, I just feel like maybe he's really going through something and I should be there for him.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, I get it. I really do. You know, I want to take back the "cute." That's really growing on me. It's very you.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, it's very grown-up. It reeks of gravitas. It screams New York Times.

RORY

Well, I need it to say more than that. I mean I'm hoping to hear from The San Francisco Chronicle, The Seattle Times, The Detroit Free Press.

LORELAI

Well honey, you can't ask one suit to say so much. You know why don't you just get the suit that says something local?

RORY

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

'Cause you know those other cities are so far away, so expensive, so tiring.

RORY

I know.

LORELAI

And plus you can get a good cup of coffee in New York. I don't know about those other cities. They have crappy crappy coffee.

RORY

You mean like Seattle?

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. Oh! Waffle ranch.

RORY

Missing the connection.

LORELAI

Gosh, I drove through North Carolina once, and they have the most wonderful chain called "Waffle Ranch."

RORY

Mum, it's not so much about the road-trip food.

LORELAI

Waffle ranch kicks IHOP'S butt.

RORY

Hey how come you weren't so desperate to have me come along when we got the invitation, two months ago?

LORELAI

Well because two months ago, I knew you would play the homework card, so I planned to do this with your dad -- just him and me.

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry.

LORELAI

[Sighs] Are you sorry enough to make it up to me by going with me?

RORY

I really wish I could.

LORELAI

Oh. Hey, that's a winner.

RORY

Really?

LORELAI

Yeah, I really think you could stun them in any newspaper interview.

RORY

It is a stunning suit, isn't it?

LORELAI

Yep, it sure is. You know they might like you so much that they take your picture and put it in the insert for the Macy's one day sale.

RORY

You really like it?

LORELAI

I really do. But you shouldn't take my word for it. You need a group, a consensus. And you know where there would be a great group at Mia's wedding.

RORY

Nice try.

LORELAI

Oh, god.

RORY

Hey, you're up.

LOGAN

The shower woke me.

RORY

Sorry. I'm heading to the library. I have a ton of reading to catch up on. So I thought I'd get an early start.

LOGAN

Cool.

RORY

You doing some work?

LOGAN

No, just looking for something on YouTube. [Chuckles] You got to see this. Finn posted a little video he shot on his cell phone when we were in Vegas. It's pretty outrageous.

RORY

You going in to the office today?

LOGAN

I doubt it. Colin and Finn are coming over.

RORY

What are you guys gonna do?

LOGAN

Hang, probably.

RORY

You know, Logan, I think after the library, I'm gonna catch a train back to new Haven.

LOGAN

Good enough.

RORY

Oh, hi.

MITCHUM

Rory.

RORY

Um, Logan's...

MITCHUM

So, it does work. And I can assume you can get cell phone reception wherever the hell you've been.

LOGAN

I was gonna call.

MITCHUM

Uh-huh.

LOGAN

I was just waiting until I figured out my next move.

MITCHUM

Next move. I'm fascinated. What is this next move?

LOGAN

I...

MITCHUM

And where were you figuring it out -- by the pool, the slot machines?

LOGAN

What you've been spying on me?

MITCHUM

After what you pulled, you can pretty much bet I'm gonna be spying on you for the rest of your life.

LOGAN

I need some time.

MITCHUM

You know what you need, Logan? You need to get dressed, get cleaned up, and get your ass down to the office so you can hear what's been figured out for you!

LOGAN

I'm not just another one of your employees.

MITCHUM

Damn right you're not. If you were just another one of my employees, you'd be fired by now. Steven, Barry in legal are gonna sit you down, try and sort out the mess you made. Can you be there in an hour?

RORY

[Puts her hands on her head and sighs]

LOGAN

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Mitchum Huntzberger, class-a jerk. Can you believe him?

RORY

No. I mean...

LOGAN

What?

RORY

He was a jerk. He is a jerk.

LOGAN

But?

RORY

Uh, well, Logan, far be it for me to agree with your father, but you have been kind of irresponsible.

LOGAN

Okay, you know what, I can't... This is really weird.

RORY

What -- that I'm being honest?

LOGAN

No, that you're on his side. I kind of expected a little support here.

RORY

Logan, I love you, but I'm not gonna support every stupid thing that you do, okay? If you go rob a bank, what do you expect me to do? Say, "oh, that's okay, honey. I support you darling"?

LOGAN

I screwed up. I admit it. What do you people want -- a friggin pound of flesh?

RORY

What -- "you people"? Logan, for me, it's not that your business deal got messed up. Okay It's what you've done since then.

LOGAN

What have I done?

RORY

Nothing -- that's exactly my point. I mean you've not been facing the problem. You've been running from it.

LOGAN

I was going crazy, Rory. I had to blow off steam. I'm trying to get my bearings here.

RORY

I don't see you trying to get your bearings. I see you hiding out, and people are counting on you, your dad included. And you're not facing your responsibilities. You're -- you are being a jerk.

LOGAN

Well, maybe that's who I am. Maybe I'm a jerk like my dad. You ever think of that?

RORY

I'm starting to.

ZACH

I highly recommend the cream of wheat today, ma'am. I don't know what it's spiked with, but it's like insane. [goes to Luke] We got a truckload of that cream of wheat back there, so I'm pushing it like crazy.

LUKE

You're one sly waiter, Zach.

KIRK

Not so fast. Got a little snafu with my order.

ZACH

I don't see a snafu.

KIRK

And that is why Lane is the pro at this job, and you will always be the amateur.

ZACH

Dude I don't have a problem with that. What's wrong with your order?

KIRK

Grilled-cheese platter comes with French fries and pickles.

ZACH

Which I'm looking at.

KIRK

Look a little closer, my friend, and you'll see that the juice from the pickles has leached over to the grilled cheese, rendering it sodden and inedible.

ZACH

Well --

KIRK

I don't recall ordering grilled cheese "au jus".

ZACH

Pickles have juice, dude. It's like a main law of nature.

KIRK

Ah, but that's where Lane knew how to prevent this culinary catastrophe. Prior to serving the dish, she would use the French fries to build a tiny dam...

ZACH

Dude, I get it.

LUKE

It's all going to the same place inside that dark, strange body of yours, Kirk. Now eat it.

ZACH

Lane's right. You rock as a boss.

LUKE

Yeah. How's she doing?

ZACH

Oh dude she is about ready to burst.

LUKE

Oh, yeah?

ZACH

Yeah she's like a giant piñata, just waiting for some kid to take a mallet to her stomach and free the goodies inside.

LUKE

I'm thinking a doctor might be a better way to go.

ZACH

Oh, hey, I almost forgot. Lane and I would like to have you over for dinner.

LUKE

Oh, yeah, that sounds great. We should do that.

ZACH

Great. So, how's tomorrow, 8:30?

LUKE

Tomorrow? I don't know.

ZACH

Okay here's the thing -- Lane asked me to ask you about tomorrow a long time ago, and I kind of forgot, so she'd be mad if you canceled last minute.

LUKE

I'm not canceling -- I haven't accepted.

ZACH

Well let's not get into semantics. It would just be a bummer if you bailed. 'Cause she's been cooking for like two days.

LUKE

[looking please] Okay, yeah, tomorrow night -- that sounds fine.

ZACH

Great! And I hope you like curry, 'cause Lane's gone curry crazy.

LUKE

I'm not big on curry.

ZACH

Oh, well, maybe you can pick around it.

LORELAI

It's the same program as the one we used for that corporate stuff you know but a different application. 'Cause it's personal. It's simple.

EMILY

For you, maybe. I couldn't figure it out. And your father was absolutely no help.

LORELAI

Well, all we need to do is -- mom, you're doing it again.

EMILY

I'm looking at the screen.

LORELAI

I know, but you're, like, hovering.

EMILY

I'm not hovering, Lorelai. "Hovering" means you're elevated off the ground. Do I look like I'm elevating?

LORELAI

You seem awful tense, mom.

EMILY

Of course I'm tense. Having your father around the house all the time is extremely difficult. He's just there, wandering about, like a man of leisure.

LORELAI

Did he go through any of this stuff? Did he at least sign the 1040?

EMILY

I don't know.

LORELAI

Oh mum he has to sign some of this stuff before we can send it out you know.

EMILY

He refuses to deal with anything. All he does is watch golf, pad around in his sweatsuit, and annoy me with questions about things he's misplaced. And he's getting to be a serious pain in the you-know-what.

LORELAI

The nose? The ear?

EMILY

Would it give you that much pleasure to hear me say "ass"?

LORELAI

I wasn't sure, but, yes, it did.

RICHARD

Emily! Have you seen my -- oh, hello, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Hi, dad. Nice threads. Having lunch with Tony Soprano?

EMILY

Don't encourage him.

RICHARD

You like it? I realized that, since I was housebound, I might as well wear whatever I like. These are so comfy. Have either of you seen my putter?

LORELAI

No, but we have seen this 1040 tax form. Sign it.

RICHARD

Did your mother tell you I've installed a putting green in the back yard? It's great fun.

EMILY

You are not going out to putt. You'll catch your death. And, Richard, would you please sign this form?

RICHARD

Just leave the form. I'll sign it later.

EMILY

What are you doing? The putter's not down there.

LORELAI

No, but your tax form's here. Come on, dad. Sign it. [Sighs] Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

RICHARD

And, yes! There it is.

EMILY

Hallelujah, we found the putter. We have a few more things we need to go over with you.

RICHARD

Later today, dear.

EMILY

You always say that, but you never do. And wear a hat!

RICHARD

Yes, mother.

EMILY

Ugh!

LORELAI

Well, mom, he was watching golf. Now he's playing golf. That's progress. [Answering the phone] Hey, kid.

RORY

I'm in.

LORELAI

You're robbing a bank?

RORY

The road trip -- I'm going with you to Mia's wedding.

LORELAI

Wow, that's great! Are you sure?

RORY

Yes, I so need to get away. I just had a huge fight with Logan.

LORELAI

Oh, sweetie, why?

RORY

Because he's being a complete a jerk. He won't deal with anything. And Mitchum just showed up at the apartment.

LORELAI

Mitchum came?

RORY

I opened the door, and there he was in a really expensive coat and all this cologne. And he yelled at Logan, and Logan yelled back. And, yes, Mitchum is jerk, but I actually agreed with him, and I told Logan that.

LORELAI

You agreed with the boyfriend's dad? That's brave.

RORY

I couldn't help it, mom. Logan is being immature. And I can't focus on my work, and I need to get out of here.

LORELAI

Oh honey it sounds like a trip like this is just what you need.

EMILY

A trip like what?

LORELAI

Nothing, mom.

RORY

Are you with grandma?

LORELAI

Yes, it's our Thursday computer lesson. And it's no "Tuesdays with Morrie."

EMILY

Where are you going?

LORELAI

Mia Halloway's wedding -- Charlotte, North Carolina.

RORY

I have to be back by Monday.

LORELAI

That should be no problem. This is gonna be a blast!

EMILY

Charlotte.

LORELAI

Mia wanted me to do a toast, and I thought I could do a poem, you know like you used to do for her when you were a kid, so you have to help me.

EMILY

Kiki Saltberry just came back from a spa in Charlotte. It's the Valentine Resort, I think she said, and she came back looking radiant.

RORY

What is grandma saying?

LORELAI

[Too Emily] We're staying at a Best Western mum. No spa facilities there. [back to Rory] So, okay, I'll pick you up at the crack of dawn. We'll cram everything in the jeep. No bathroom breaks along the way, okay?

RORY

Does grandma want to come?

LORELAI

No. I mean, yes, but, no.

EMILY

I'd have to rearrange my schedule, but that can be done.

LORELAI

Mom, you really can't leave dad all alone.

EMILY

Alone, yes, completely alone, with two maids, a cook, and a nurse who comes daily.

RORY

Yes, grandma should come, too. It'll be a hoot.

LORELAI

It would be fun, honey, but grandma's real busy.

EMILY

Rory wants me to come?

LORELAI

Well...

EMILY

Well, she'll be graduating soon, and I won't have many more opportunities to spend time with her. This is perfect...

LORELAI

Mum...

EMILY

I'm gonna start packing.

LORELAI

Oh, mom.

EMILY

Oh, and we'll take my car. I have no intention of driving 800 miles in an army vehicle.

RORY

Shotgun?

LORELAI

[Chuckles]

LORELAI

Oh, mom, if you're gonna go this slowly, you should really put your hazards on.

EMILY

Excuse me, but after I almost got that ridiculous DWI, I can ill afford a speeding ticket. And a jaguar is an invitation to be pulled over.

LORELAI

Right, if you're speeding. You're driving like you're in a parade.

EMILY

Oh, hush.

LORELAI

Mom, seriously, by the time we get there, the wedding will be over. The guests will have gone home. North Carolina will be under a sea of water from melting ice caps.

RORY

"See ya."

LORELAI

Huh?

RORY

You could rhyme "Mia" with "see ya."

LORELAI

Oh, that's good. Or "be ya."

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

You were such a peach, dear Mia, when Rory grew up, she wanted to be ya.

RORY

Good. But do you think it owes too much to Yeats?

LORELAI

Well, it needs some work, but you try finding something to rhyme with "Howard" besides "coward."

EMILY

Howard? She's marrying a man named Howard?

LORELAI

What's wrong with Howard?

EMILY

It's just, for me, it would be very difficult if my husband was named Howard.

RORY

Why?

EMILY

It's just not a noble name. I like noble male names, strong -- john, peter.

RORY

Richard.

EMILY

Exactly. Richard the lion-heart.

LORELAI

Well, I guess name nobility wasn't high on Mia's list.

EMILY

Howard the lion-heart. [Laughs] What are you doing?

LORELAI

It's stuffy.

EMILY

It's too cold to have the window open.

LORELAI

Mom, just let me have it down -- oh, my god.

EMILY

Lorelai, stop playing with the window.

LORELAI

I'm not playing. I just want it down. And you're making it go -- are you kidding me? Plea-- mother, I'm putting it -- I'm putting it -- [Gasps] Wha-- uh -- mom!

EMILY

It's called a child lock, appropriately enough.

LORELAI

[Sighs]

EMILY

So, Rory, what do you have lined up postgraduation?

RORY

Oh, I'm setting up interviews at different newspapers -- The Seattle Times, The Detroit Free Press, San Francisco Chronicle.

EMILY

Well, I'm not sure about the Seattle paper, and the Chronicle is dreadful, but the Detroit paper is quite reputable.

LORELAI

You know what else a reputable paper is? The New York Times, The Boston Globe, The Hartford Courant.

RORY

Yes, and only a short drive away from stars hollow.

LORELAI

Oh, well, that never occurred to me, but now that you mention it, yeah.

EMILY

So, how does Logan feel about the possibility of your moving far away?

RORY

I'm not sure.

EMILY

You're not sure?

RORY

No. Things with Logan are...

EMILY

Are what?

RORY

Uh, we're kind of going through something.

EMILY

Aw, that's a shame. Such a nice young man. He was so thoughtful when your grandfather was in the hospital.

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Oh, hey, the Skirf.

RORY

Oh, the Skirf.

EMILY

What's a Skirf?

LORELAI

Well, when Rory was really little, my first sewing project was trying to make her a skirt.

RORY

It was a disaster.

LORELAI

It was terrible. But Mia made me feel better by putting it on Rory's head and saying I created something new, called a Skirf.

RORY

Yeah.

EMILY

So, do we all like show tunes? I found this marvelous CD when I took the car to be washed.

MUSIC

"All the cattle are standing like statues... "

LANE

AND ZACH'S APARTMENT

LANE

And I was put on bed rest so the babies wouldn't come out before my due date. And I look at the calendar, and I say to Zach, "Zach, it's my due date."

ZACH

And I'm like, "so?"

LANE

And I say, "so now I want them to come out."

ZACH

And I go, "duh, let's get out of bed."

LANE

Well I guess they can come out whenever they want, as long as we've finished our meal...

LUKE

...Which, by the way, was terrific, Lane. Thanks.

ZACH

Yeah, she had no problem switching to a different meal when I told her about your curry issues.

LUKE

Well, it's -- I just...

ZACH

Whatever.

LUKE

It's not really an issue. Again, look, sorry about the wine. I totally spaced. I should have brought you something sparkling, you know a fruity kind of a thing.

ZACH

No, it's okay. Besides, they say one of the things you can do to help induce labor is have a glass of wine.

ZACH

That or sex.

LUKE

Well, I can only help you with the wine.

LUKE

I should get going. I got to get up early and open the diner.

ZACH

Are you sure you don't want dessert? Homemade peach pie.

LUKE

You made a peach pie?

ZACH

Well, actually, you made it at the diner, which is technically your home, but I paid for it.

LUKE

I'll have one quick piece.

ZACH

Yes!

LUKE

You know this is really nice of you guys.

ZACH

What do you expect, man? You mean a lot to Lane and me.

LANE

You do.

ZACH

We feel really close to you, and not just, you know, employees.

LUKE

Yeah, uh, me too.

LANE

When it comes to extended family, Zach and I don't have much. I mean I've got my mom, but she's not so much a family member as she is a probation officer.

ZACH

Yeah and my old man ran off when I was like 10 -- no note, no nothing. So I got the feeling, you know, he didn't want me to follow him.

LUKE

Mm-hmm. So, you guys need money or something?

ZACH

Lane and I would like you to be godfather to our twins.

LUKE

Oh, really? Godfather?

LANE

We just want to make sure we have a strong parental person for our boys.

LUKE

Well...

ZACH

There's no paperwork involved.

LUKE

Right. I just...

ZACH

No notary public.

LUKE

No, I know. It's just [Sighs and takes a few seconds to think.] Yeah, okay, sure.

LANE

[Squeals]

ZACH

Oh, man. That is so great. [Too Lane, high 5] Up high. [Then Luke] Come on.

LUKE

All right. Okay. [High 5's both Lane and Zach]

ZACH

There you go.

EMILY

No, are you listening? I've already booked a Swedish massage for 1:00. I want to know what I can do at 2:30. Good lord, no. A Watsu? Why would I want to re-experience my own birth?

CHARLENE

I'll be back to take your orders.

RORY

Big menus.

LORELAI

Yeah, that's a good sign.

RORY

Oh I love when they show pictures of the food.

LORELAI

I would be upset if I was that fried chicken, though. That picture makes her look fat.

EMILY

Fine. Book me a salt scrub at 2:30. Thank you. [ends call] Where on earth are we?

LORELAI

Well, mom, since you wouldn't let us take you to a drive-through, we've come here to Winky's, a fine eatery just off I-85.

EMILY

Very down home.

CHARLENE

We ready here?

LORELAI

Oh, uh, uh, I'm only halfway through. Don't tell me how it turns out. Um...

EMILY

I smell cigarette smoke. This is one of those places that still allows cigarettes isn't it?

LORELAI

Mom, if you'd prefer to wait in the car, we can bring food to you there.

EMILY

Well that would be foolish, the reason why I refused to go to the drive-through is because I won't allow eating in my car.

RORY

Hey, they have lobster.

LORELAI

Lobster for $12.95. How could you go wrong? I'll have the lobster.

RORY

See, you'll have lobster. I'll have shrimp. We'll make it a seafood night.

EMILY

Seafood in a place like this -- very risky.

LORELAI

And a hot dog. A hot dog for the table. You'll go in on that with us, won't you, mom?

EMILY

I'll have a turkey sandwich on wheat and a glass of chardonnay. That's the clear one.

CHARLENE

My name is Charlene. Holler if you need something.

RORY

Wow, huge case of cakes behind you there.

LORELAI

Ooh, yeah. Winky's got a trophy case full of cakes. Hey, I bet Mia makes her triple-layered German chocolate cake for the wedding, don't you think?

RORY

Probably.

EMILY

Mmm. Aromatherapy -- that's what I want. Are you sure you two won't join me for something at the spa -- facial, Moroccan mud wrap? My treat.

LORELAI

Mother, we came here because we made a commitment to go to a wedding, so that's what we're gonna do.

EMILY

Suit yourself. I need to use the facilities. Wish me luck.

LORELAI

I love it here. And I'm totally gonna score a panda in that crane machine on the way out.

RORY

Mum do you think we should dial back the talk about Mia in front of grandma? I mean I don't think she's thrilled to hear about our surrogate mother/grandmother.

LORELAI

She knew that Mia is the reason for the trip. I think it's okay if we talk about her.

RORY

I know, but it seems to bother her. You know and I thought, during this trip, we could do more mother/daughter, daughter/daughter bonding.

LORELAI

10 hours in the car not enough bonding for you?

RORY

I'm just worried about you guys. I mean what's gonna happen after I graduate?

LORELAI

After you graduate? That's when the party gets started.

RORY

Yeah, I just -- I want you guys to remain close.

LORELAI

Close?

RORY

Ish.

LORELAI

Honey, your grandma and I have a very complicated relationship, but we'll be fine. I don't want you to worry. You go off and do your own thing. I'm a grown-up. A grown-up who wears a bib. [Charlene hands Lorelai the bib] Thank you.

LORELAI

All righty. Looks like our choices are "Hitch" or "The Lake House."

RORY

I could use a laugh.

LORELAI

Alright the "The Lake House" it is.

RORY

Oh, my dress got wrinkled.

LORELAI

Honey, just put it in the shower with the steam if mom ever finishes shellacking her face.

EMILY

[Off screen] I heard that, Lorelai. I'm simply washing up.

LORELAI

Mom, the resort is 20 minutes away. Why do you have to wash up here?

EMILY

I can't very well arrive at a luxurious resort smelling of bad shellfish and covered with the grime of the road.

LORELAI

"The road." Who are you -- Willie Nelson? [Telephone rings] Hello. [Gasps] Mia, how is the blushing bride-to-be?

MIA

Surprisingly calm, but then I've had two glasses of wine, so we'll see how I do tomorrow when the buzz wears off.

LORELAI

Ah you'll do great.

RORY

Hi, Mia.

MIA

Oh, hi, Rory. I just wanted to see if you got here all right. How's the motel? Not too terrible, I hope.

LORELAI

Oh, no, it's great. We have two beds, sanitized cups, Keanu Reeves in his most touching role to date. What could be better?

RORY

Oh, grandma, hold on.

MIA

Oh, Emily's with you?

LORELAI

Oh, um, yeah, we picked her up hitchhiking on her way to a rock festival.

RORY

She's going to the valentine resort.

MIA

Well, if Emily's here, then she has to come to the wedding.

LORELAI

Oh no, that's okay. She's spending tomorrow getting rubbed, wrapped, and scrubbed.

EMILY

Oh, no, she's asking me to the wedding?

LORELAI

[Quietly to Emily] No, no. It's okay. [Too Mia] Um so the ceremony's at noon. We'll be there around 11:30.

MIA

Oh, please ask Emily to come. We have plenty of food. Howard and I would be thrilled to have her join us. In fact, I insist.

RORY

[Taking the phone] That is so thoughtful of you, Mia, and I am sure she would love to come.

EMILY

Oh great. Now I have to go.

LORELAI

No, you don't.

EMILY

It would be rude not to. Damn!

RORY

She says she's delighted and flattered that you asked.

MIA

Oh, that's wonderful. I look forward to seeing all three of you tomorrow. Sleep well.

RORY

You, too, Mia. Bye.

LORELAI

Bye.

EMILY

Well, I hope the resort will let me change my times. I'll pick the two of you up at 11:00 sharp tomorrow. Be out front. Of course, I didn't bring a thing to wear to a wedding. Luckily, they're going bohemian, so it won't really matter.

LORELAI

Ugh!

RORY

We're bonding.

LORELAI

[Sighs]

RORY

Oh, this could be a good thing.

LORELAI

Oh, the only good thing is that mom is gonna get to the resort still smelling like bad lobster, 'cause I left my doggie bag in her car.

ZACH

Hey.

LUKE

Everything okay?

ZACH

Great. Everything's -- yeah. Great.

LUKE

You know I don't open for another hour.

ZACH

Oh, no, I know, but last night when you said you had to get up early, I realized it's time, maybe, I come and help crank up the place.

LUKE

Okay.

ZACH

I actually love this time of day, you know, real quiet. [Starts taking the chair off the tables] You know what's, like, amazing? How peaceful Stars Hollow is at this time of day. It's, like, spooky peaceful. You ever notice that?

LUKE

I'm sorry. I-I really don't enjoy talking this early in the morning.

ZACH

Oh, hey, copy that. I'm right there with you.

LUKE

[Sighs]

ZACH

Now, Lane -- she loves to talk in the morning. Lots of morning chin music with that one. Not me. I take not talking over talking any day. [Starts putting source dispensers out on the counter, one falls.] Ooh, awesome catch.

LUKE

Thanks.

ZACH

Pretty obvious you played some ball.

LUKE

A little.

ZACH

I didn't really get into sports much. My dad didn't do sports with me when I was little, and then he, you know, split.

LUKE

Yeah, you said. That's too bad.

ZACH

Yeah. What kind of music you into?

LUKE

I don't really listen to much music.

ZACH

No?

LUKE

I mean if I'm driving around in my truck, I'll, you know, maybe put on an oldies station. I like some Motown.

ZACH

Oh dude I know the perfect band for you. You would so get off on them. They're young, but their sound is way borrowed from those old guys from the '70s.

LUKE

Listen, I got to fire up the stoves.

ZACH

Yeah, go, go. Fire 'em up.

LUKE

You know, I can't pay you any extra 'cause you came in early.

ZACH

Oh, yeah, I know. I just figure it's part of my job, and it's a chance for us to hang out. Plus, you know... [quietly] the quiet.

LUKE

Right.

EMILY

Lorelai, you didn't even knock.

LORELAI

Well, that's okay. Mia leaves the door open. She likes people to just come on in.

RORY

She's probably too busy to greet everybody, grandma.

EMILY

Well, of course she is. She should have someone greet people for her.

RORY

Oh, look at all these great pictures.

LORELAI

Not everyone has a maid, you know, mom.

EMILY

How hard is it to hire a maid for the day?

LORELAI

Well, last I checked, they didn't have them at Bed Bath & Beyond.

RORY

Oh, this must be Howard. Look. Here we are.

LORELAI

Oh so cute. That's the rug where you used to spin around at the independence inn. I bet you threw up just seconds after that picture was taken.

RORY

Yep.

EMILY

Are we going in, or are we going to watch from the entryway?

MIA

Oh, you're here! Lorelai!

LORELAI

Hi!

RORY

Hi!

MIA

Did you find it all right?

LORELAI

Yeah, mom's got the GPS. Apparently, it's great if you know how to use it.

RORY

Yeah, we saw a lot of your neighborhood -- very nice.

MIA

Oh, those damn GPS drive me crazy. Whatever happened to asking the guy at the gas station?

EMILY

Good question. Hello, Mia. Thank you so much for inviting me to this special occasion.

MIA

Emily, I'm so glad you could be here. Well, let's go in. Let's not just stand here. I know a wedding wasn't what you had in mind when you came down here.

EMILY

What I had in mind was spending time with my daughter and granddaughter, wherever.

MIA

Oh, will you sign my guest book, please?

EMILY

Oh certainly.

MIA

I just feel so lucky to have all the Gilmore ladies under one roof.

EMILY

Speaking of roofs, you have a charming home.

MIA

Oh, thank you.

EMILY

I'm always amazed at what good taste can do with a small space.

LORELAI

Oh, it is beautiful.

RORY

Yeah, so many personal touches everywhere.

MIA

Thank you. I agree with Emily. It's a small house, and it's made even smaller by Howard's junk. But you know what they say -- you marry a man, you marry his junk. Howard.

HOWARD

Mia...

MIA

Howard, Howard. This is Emily Gilmore, the mother and grandmother of the famous Lorelai and Rory.

RORY AND LORELAI

[Together] Hi.

EMILY

Nice to meet you.

HOWARD

How do you do.

LORELAI

I thought you weren't supposed to see the bride in her gown before you got married.

MIA

Uh-oh! [covers Howard's eyes]

RORY

Yeah, and if the bride sees a lizard crossing the road, that's bad news, too.

LORELAI

Really!

MIA

Oh, well, haven't seen a lizard, but too late for the dress, 'cause Howard zipped me up.

LORELAI

Oh no, where's the zip-up on the bad-luck-o-meter?

RORY

Not sure, but I'd throw some salt over your shoulders just in case.

LORELAI

I don't have any salt. I might have some Splenda.

HOWARD

You are exactly as Mia described you -- you both are. And believe me, she described you a lot.

LORELAI

Well, I hope she left out the bad stuff.

MIA

There's no bad stuff.

EMILY

Lucky you. [Chuckles]

HOWARD

Well the sooner we get married the sooner we get cake.

MIA

Oh, honey, you're so romantic. Emily, could I just borrow the girls for a quick touch-up in the powder room?

EMILY

They're all yours.

MIA

Oh, thanks. Okay, guys, let's get me beautiful.

EMILY

[Too someone taking her coat] Oh, thank you.

HOWARD

Mia adores them.

EMILY

Yes, I know.

HOWARD

[Sighs] Well, come in. Find a seat.

EMILY

The sofa will be fine.

LORELAI

And so, a toast to you, dear Mia. It makes us all so glad to see ya... blissfully joined with dear, good Howard. May your love last long, like it's battery-powered. [Laughter] Rory and I wanted to do a poem for you, because when Rory was little, she used to love making up poems, and we would perform them for you, and that was such a fun time. [noticing Emily looking uncomfortable] Um... uh, so, what I've realized now is that you can get away with a lot of bad rhymes when you're cute and 5. But we do want to say...

EMILY

[Too another guest] Excuse me would you mind terribly getting me a glass of water?

LORELAI

...The best things in life are worth waiting for, even if they take a long time...

EMILY

[Too Rory] she keeps her house very dry.

LORELAI

So, let's... a toast to you. [Rising a champagne glass] We love you so much. Cheers.

EVERYONE

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Hear, hear! Congratulations.

LORELAI

Oh.

MIA

Thank you. [Laughing] That was wonderful.

MAN

Are you Rory? There's someone here to see you.

MIA

... That you are here today. And thank you for those of you who came from so far away. Thank you again for the toast. I'll thank my sister for all the wonderful help...

LOGAN

[quietly] Hey.

RORY

[quietly] What the hell are you doing here?

LOGAN

I'm sorry I don't mean to crash this. I just need to talk to you.

RORY

How did you know where I was?

LOGAN

I called Paris, she found the invitation. I kept trying your cell, but you didn't pick up.

RORY

Well, that's the advantage of caller I.D.

LOGAN

I get it. You're still mad.

RORY

No kidding.

LOGAN

But now I'm here, so you have to talk to me – that's the advantage of showing up in person.

RORY

Wow, I can't believe you're still doing this. This is so last year's Logan.

LOGAN

What?

RORY

You think you can just fly anywhere I am and overwhelm me by just showing up and -- I'm just not impressed anymore by your grand gestures.

LOGAN

I'm not trying to impress you Rory. I just want to tell you what I've been thinking.

RORY

Well I don't care...

LOGAN

And I wanted to see you.

RORY

I'm in the middle of a wedding of a close friend. I don't have time to stand here and listen to you explain your stupid immature behavior.

LOGAN

If you would just hear me out.

RORY

No, you go blow off steam in Vegas, you gamble away thousands of dollars, you drink all night, and do god knows what else. This is me blowing off steam.

HOWARD

I'm sorry to interrupt, Rory, but Mia wanted me to tell you we're about to cut the cake.

RORY

Okay.

HOWARD

Will your friend join us?

RORY

Um, no, he can't stay.

LOGAN

Yeah, I was just stopping by. Thanks, anyway.

HOWARD

Oh, okay.

LADY

Hey girls.

LADIES

Hey there.

LUKE

Talk to me, Zach. What do you got?

ZACH

Okay, bowl of chili, two dogs, one BLT, shepherd's pie, and a mushroom soup. And those guys in the corner were asking me if I had a pack of lucky strikes or a burger to spare, what's that about?

LUKE

Bowling humor -- strikes, spares. Never gets old, guys.

ZACH

Oh, I totally missed it. Oh, man!

LUKE

What's wrong?

ZACH

Last night, I made this mix of tunes that I thought would be right up your alley.

LUKE

Okay.

ZACH

Well, you know, new stuff that sounds kind of classic rock-y -- My Morning Jacket, who are like Neil Young reborn, if Neil would have, you know, died.

LUKE

Uh-ha Wolfmother – definitely channeling Zeppelin -- modern, but not so much that it would freak out somebody of your taste.

LUKE

The point.

ZACH

The point is, I totally forgot to bring it.

LUKE

Oh, don't worry about it.

ZACH

Yeah, but I spent, like, all night on it.

LUKE

Ah that's nice.

ZACH

Gave me something to do instead of sitting around, waiting for Lane to pop out the babies.

LUKE

It'll happen.

ZACH

Yeah, don't I know it? [Too customers] Denver omelet, steak sandwich.

LUKE

Two cheeseburgers -- medium and well.

ZACH

Question -- circumcision, yes or no?

LUKE

Pardon?

ZACH

I mean we have to make a decision as soon as the boys are born, and I'm really on the fence about it.

LUKE

Ahh...

ZACH

I thought about having Mrs. Kim weigh in, but her opinion would be kind of hypothetical 'cause she doesn't have the goods, as far as I know.

LUKE

Right.

ZACH

Right, so, you being a guy, I figured I could use your input on this.

LUKE

You know, you saying something like this -- it's kind of personal between you and Lane, so go with your gut.

ZACH

Yeah, okay.

LUKE

Alright.

ZACH

Cool.

LUKE

Bill, refill?

ZACH

Let's say your kid falls out of a tree and majorly gashes his head. Do you run to him right away or just let him kind of shake it off? I mean I don't want to be a wussy dad, but...

LUKE

Probably not the right time to be talking about gashed heads and circumcisions.

ZACH

Right. Right. I totally get that. Maybe we could, uh, go over to Casey's after work and grab a beer and talk about some stuff.

LUKE

Look, I-I can't be...

ZACH

Please.

LUKE

Okay.

LUKE

Listen, I know what's going on, okay? You're about to become a father, so you're panicking.

ZACH

I am, dude, big-time.

LUKE

Promise you you'll get through this.

ZACH

I don't know how to throw a damn Frisbee.

LUKE

Don't worry about it, okay?

ZACH

I just -- I really could use your help on all this father stuff that I know nothing about.

LUKE

Zach...

ZACH

What the hell are they supposed to call me -- "dad," "pop," "papa"? Do I look like a papa to you?

LUKE

It'll come to you eventually.

ZACH

Papa is a big, cuddly guy from Italy with all this dark hair. That's so not me.

LUKE

Listen, the first time April turned up in my life, I didn't know squat about being a father, but eventually, it came to me. Okay I found my dad mode, and you will, too.

ZACH

Dude, I hope so.

LUKE

Yeah. Don't sweat it. And go ahead and deliver these to the clowns in the corner over there. You will be fine. [Sighs] I -- okay, all right.

BILL

Guy's a real goofball, huh?

LUKE

Yeah, watch it, bill. [Takes his plate]

BILL

I'm not finished with that pie.

LUKE

Yeah, you are.

MAN

And I drove through Connecticut once -- beautiful. In fact, Cathy and I considered moving to New England 'cause we love the foliage.

LORELAI

Well, we got a lot of that. It practically grows on trees.

MAN

But the cold -- no thank you. I can barely handle it here in Charlotte when it drops below 40. Cathy says it's a circulation thing. I think it's a matter of not having the fat layer that you women do.

LORELAI

You should be glad you don't have it. If you did, you couldn't wear such an amazing sweater.

RORY

Hey, Mia put out some of her famous mini cream puffs. They're delicious.

MAN

Uh-oh, may have to get me one of those. Scusie.

LORELAI

God bless you.

RORY

Ha. No problem. You looked a little trapped there.

LORELAI

No, no, I was riveted by stories of foliage and fat. Where'd you go off to?

RORY

Logan showed up.

LORELAI

What?!

RORY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Where is he?

RORY

Outside, leaning against a car.

LORELAI

Why? You wouldn't let him come in?

RORY

No.

LORELAI

Really? Look at you, all tough love.

RORY

Well I'm still mad at him. I'm not gonna melt just because he flies down here to see me. If we're gonna do this, it's gonna be on my terms.

LORELAI

Wow.

RORY

It doesn't look like grandma's having a good time.

LORELAI

No, grandma's staging a sit-in, as only grandma could do, in the middle of a hoopla. Some people would call it a shindig. I'm here to tell you it's a hoopla.

RORY

I have so much to learn from you still.

HOWARD

Ladies, I'm striking out left and right in my attempts to coax someone to dance. Would either of you salvage my pride?

RORY

Howard, I'll dance with you.

HOWARD

Thank you.

RORY

[Too Lorelai] Talk to grandma.

LORELAI

[Sighs and walks over to sit down with Emily] Hi, mom. How are you doing?

EMILY

Oh, fine. I'm just going through my schedule for the week.

LORELAI

So, did Howard ask you to dance?

EMILY

He did, yes -- very thoughtful.

LORELAI

Why didn't you dance with him?

EMILY

I don't feel like dancing right now. Besides, I have no idea how one dances to cowboy music.

LORELAI

You want to dance with me? We could slap our knees, shout "yee-haw."

EMILY

No thank you I think I'll just wait for the appropriate moment to excuse myself gracefully.

LORELAI

Mom, I didn't think you were gonna want to come.

DONNA

So, Lorelai, gal, we have got to do some catching up. How have you been, sweetie?

LORELAI

Good, Donna. Good.

DONNA

Mia says you have you own inn now. That is so far out.

LORELAI

It is great. Um, mom, this is Donna. This is my mother, Emily Gilmore.

EMILY

How do you do?

DONNA

Really well, thank you.

LORELAI

Donna and I were maids together at the Independence Inn.

DONNA

A few hundred lives ago, huh? Hey, listen, your toast was so great.

LORELAI

Thanks. I didn't know I was gonna be the only one.

DONNA

Oh, but you were the perfect choice. I mean, for god's sake, Mia was like a mother to you.

LORELAI

Um, so, how are you? You look good.

DONNA

I do, don't I?

LORELAI

Yeah,

DONNA

I tell you, six years ago, when I first started the raw-foods thing...

EMILY

Do you know if they put the coffee out yet?

LORELAI

Mother.

EMILY

What? I'm sorry, but you're talking about something between the two of you, and I could really use a cup of coffee.

DONNA

You know what? I am having a serious craving for herbal tea. Let's get something together, Emily.

EMILY

All right.

LORELAI

[Sighs, gets up to get a drink.]

MIA

Hey.

LORELAI

Hey.

MIA

Everything okay?

LORELAI

Yeah. It's fine. I just always seem to forget my mother doesn't play well with others.

MIA

Oh, I think she's doing all right, considering.

LORELAI

Considering...

MIA

I mean, in terms of you and me and Rory and our history.

LORELAI

Yeah, so? We have a history.

MIA

Seeing me with you must bring back very painful memories. Imagine how difficult it must have been for your mother to lose you.

LORELAI

She didn't lose me. I embarrassed her, so I had to leave.

MIA

But Lorelai even in the best of circumstances, you never want to think that your child doesn't need you anymore.

LORELAI

She wanted me out of the house so she didn't have to explain why my school uniform didn't fit any more.

MIA

That's not the impression I got when she came to see me.

LORELAI

What? When did she come to see you?

MIA

Oh, must have been five years ago, when I came back for that visit to stars hollow. She came and found me at the inn.

LORELAI

Why?

MIA

I think she wanted to meet me. And she asked me to send her photos of you and Rory from those years when you were staying with me. She never told you?

LORELAI

No, she definitely never told me.

HOWARD

Well, my dear, my dancing feet are all warmed up. [giggles] Your turn.

MIA

Oh, goody, the dance. Now we find out if we're really meant to be together.

HOWARD

Ooh.

LOGAN

You didn't have to bring me cake.

RORY

I didn't. [Sits on the front of the car and starts eating] You wanted to talk, so talk.

LOGAN

All I wanted to do was say I'm sorry, so... I'm sorry. You were right. I was being immature.

RORY

Okay.

LOGAN

When the whole deal fell apart... I knew I was in so much trouble, I just -- I totally lost it. I couldn't face anything. I had so much invested in it in every way that, when it all collapsed, it was like I fell into this hole I couldn't pull myself out of. And I also realized that my dad was right. He had every reason to be pissed at me. I mean, I would have fired me for what I did. So, I decided the only way to fix this is to not be my dad's employee anymore.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

I went to him, and I just -- I said -- I was calm, apologetic, no shouting, no threats. I just said I didn't want to be a pawn in whatever game he had in mind for me.

RORY

Really.

LOGAN

I am officially not working for the Huntzberger group anymore.

RORY

Oh, my god.

LOGAN

Yeah, and it feels really good. I mean, it felt great finally standing up to my dad.

RORY

How did he take it?

LOGAN

He tried to put up this cool, detached front, you know but I think I actually saw steam coming out of his ears. Basically, he told me to hit the road.

RORY

And you took him literally.

LOGAN

I just needed to see you. The thing is, even though he was mad, I swear I saw the slightest glimmer of pride in his eyes, you know just for a second. I mean, no one walks out on Mitchum Huntzberger.

RORY

I'm proud of you, too. I almost wish I'd saved you a bite of cake. Hmm.

MIA

Boyfriend?

EMILY

Yes.

MIA

He came with you?

EMILY

No, I guess he flew down to see Rory.

MIA

It's hard for me to think of little Rory with a boyfriend.

EMILY

She's not so little anymore.

MIA

No. I just hope she doesn't get her heart broken.

EMILY

I can assure you, if anyone does any heartbreaking, it will be Rory.

MIA

Probably.

EMILY

Definitely. She's such a smart, confident young woman. She's really amazing -- witty, charming, valedictorian in high school, editor of the college paper. Sounds like she'll have her pick of jobs at newspapers all over the country. Rory will be fine.

MIA

Well, you would know.

LORELAI

Hey. [Hands Emily her coat] Here you go. Well, we should probably get going, let Mia and Howard do whatever it is they're gonna do the rest of the night.

EMILY

Lorelai.

LORELAI

What? That could mean anything.

MIA

Well, she's right. The bride and groom have wild plans to take off all their clothes, jump into their pajamas, and listen to "A Prairie Home Companion."

LORELAI

See? Dirty mind -- you.

MIA

I can't tell you how much it meant for me to have you here. Thank you.

LORELAI

Oh, you kidding? I wouldn't have missed it.

EMILY

Mia, best wishes to you. It was a lovely wedding. Thank you... for everything.

MIA

It was my pleasure.

ZACH

Listen, bill over there is asking for seconds on his pie -- something about how you owe him from earlier.

LUKE

Sure, give it to him.

ZACH

Look, man, I'm really sorry about the way I've been acting -- leaning on you for all this father stuff.

LUKE

Ah don't worry about it.

ZACH

No I was just all bent out of shape about being a good father -- like there is such a thing. And I was so freaking nervous, I'm like, "hey, maybe Luke can take up the slack."

LUKE

Hey, if I can help out, I will.

ZACH

No, but I dig what you said about the dad mode -- makes perfect sense. I'm really psyched to feel it kick in.

LUKE

Okay.

ZACH

Totally. Oh, I almost forgot. This is the CD.

LUKE

Oh, great.

ZACH

Yeah, I listed the band names on the back. I mean, you don't have to listen to it. [Telephone rings, Zach goes to answer it.]

LUKE

No, I want to hear it.

ZACH

[On the phone] Luke's diner.

LUKE

Who knows maybe I'll really get into Wolfmother.

ZACH

Okay, okay. Do not move. I'll be right there. Don't move. I have to go. Lane's water broke. I need my... coat. I-I don't -- I don't need my coat. My keys are in my coat.

LUKE

Al right that's it. We're closed, folks. I'm driving.

ZACH

No, no, no, man. I can do this.

LUKE

Zach, Zach, Zach, Zach.

ZACH

Okay.

LUKE

Dad mode doesn't have to kick in right now. Lets go. Last one out, lock the door, turn off the lights.

BILL

What about my...

LUKE

Just take the whole damn pie, Bill.

LORELAI

So, he's really not working for his dad?

RORY

No, he's out of there.

LORELAI

Well, it's probably the best thing for him. How did he feel about you sending him back to New York?

RORY

Um, I think he was okay with it. I told him it was an all-girls road trip.

LORELAI

Exactly, no boys allowed, except for that male stripper we hired.

RORY

[Giggles]

EMILY

[Still at the doorway] Well, good night.

RORY

Oh, grandma, aren't you coming in?

EMILY

No, I just wanted to walk you to your room, seeing as this isn't the safest of neighborhoods.

LORELAI

Mom, now I feel like I should walk you back to the car and then you're gonna feel like walk me back and then we'll be stuck in a terrible loop and neither of us is wearing the shoes for that.

RORY

Oh, grandma, you should stay. We're gonna get junk food from the vending machine, and watch a movie. Come on. Don't you like Dots?

LORELAI

Hey, get some Little Debbie.

EMILY

Seriously, Rory, I can't stay.

RORY

Too late grandma. I'm already getting you a Little Debbie.

LORELAI

Oh, I bought her a suit.

EMILY

Did you?

LORELAI

Yeah. It was so fun. It was weird, you know, but um, we found something really great, and it just felt like a rite of passage.

EMILY

I'm sure.

LORELAI

Made me imagine, you know, what it's gonna be like after she leaves.

EMILY

Of course.

LORELAI

It's gonna be hard to be without her.

EMILY

Well, I'm sure you'll get through it.

LORELAI

What I mean to say is, mom, is I know that it was hard for you.

EMILY

Hmm.

LORELAI

Have you seen "The Pursuit of Happyness"?

EMILY

Is that the one with Will Smith? He's so attractive.

LORELAI

Mmm! Mom has a thing for Will Smith.

EMILY

I don't have a thing for him. Is it on now?

LORELAI

Yeah.

RORY

Oh, my god! Lane had her babies.

LORELAI

[Gasps] Oh!

RORY

Zach just sent me a photo. Here... See?

LORELAI

Oh, cute!

RORY

Aren't they cute?

EMILY

I'm sure that little camera distorts their faces.

LORELAI

What do you mean, mom? They're cute.

RORY

Here's another one.

LORELAI

Oh, sweet.

EMILY

Why did they misspell "Happyness"?

LORELAI

Well, we'll find out. [Stars the movie] There's your boyfriend, mom.

RORY

Who?

EMILY

He's not my boyfriend.

LORELAI

Will Smith -- mom has a thing for him.

RORY

You like Will Smith?

EMILY

I think that he's very charming.

RORY

That's all right.