T7E18: “Hay Bale Maze”

MICHEL

What are you doing?

SOOKIE

What?

MICHEL

Oh, fine.

SOOKIE

Michel. Michel.

MICHEL

Michel what?

SOOKIE

You can't put your schedules in the front of the basket. It's blocking everything.

MICHEL

So?

SOOKIE

So it shouldn't block everything. It doesn't look good.

MICHEL

[Laughing] Yes, it does. I am a man of refine and renown. Aesthetic Fabien Baron once publicly admired the way I decorated my locker at crunch.

SOOKIE

What?

MICHEL

I worked extremely hard on these schedules, and it looks good.

SOOKIE

Yes, the schedules look nice, okay. Lovely font choice, lovely use of bullet points, but give me a break it's not like you made them on an antique printing press or something.

MICHEL

Oh! I'm sorry. Did you make your chocolate-dipped apricots on an antique printing press?

SOOKIE

Ha ha. No, of course not.

MICHEL

Touché. [Moves the schedule]

SOOKIE

Ah no, that's not a touché. [Moves the schedule back]

MICHEL

Touché. [Moves the schedule again]

SOOKIE

Touché. [Moves the schedule back]

MICHEL

Tou—

SOOKIE

Leave it! leave it! leave it!

LORELAI

[Entering room] Hi, guys. How are the baskets coming?

SOOKIE

Great.

MICHEL

Yeah, just great.

LORELAI

Oh, wow. Looks like Mr. Crankypants is in his usual spring-fling funk.

MICHEL

I'm not in a funk.

LORELAI

I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about Mr. Crankypants. Hey, the schedule looks good.

SOOKIE

You should see his gym locker. Touché.

MICHEL

Touché yourself.

LORELAI

[Reading the schedule] "Dance of the daffodils, bingo, sack races, pie-eating... bird-watching"? We didn't schedule any bird-watching, did we?

MICHEL

There was a void.

LORELAI

Huh?

MICHEL

On the schedule there was nothing scheduled on Saturday evening. It looks ridiculous so I wrote in bird-watching.

LORELAI

Oh, that's clever. Except for the fact we didn't schedule any bird-watching.

MICHEL

So?

LORELAI

So what if people want to do some bird-watch?

MICHEL

Oh, please. No one will want to go bird-watching.

LORELAI

How do you know?

MICHEL

Who wants to watch birds? Why on earth would you watch a bird?

LORELAI

Oh you know what should be on here is hay-bale maze.

SOOKIE

I can't believe we're actually having a hay-bale maze.

MICHEL

Oh, what is wrong with people? Walking in hay? Don't they have lives? Don't they have televisions and elliptical machines? What kind of weirdo wants to walk around in a maze of hay?

LORELAI

Taylor Doose and no one else.

LORELAI

But don't you vote on these things in your adorable little meetings?

SOOKIE

He hoodwinked us.

LORELAI

yeah. This year he gave an impassioned speech about how his childhood dream was to visit a hay-bale maze. And and he was clutching hay and crying. It was very disconcerting but oddly moving. So we voted yes. It was a pity vote.

SOOKIE

And a hoodwinked vote.

LORELAI

And it turns out he wasn't really crying so much as he was allergic to the hay.

MICHEL

Oh! Whatever.

SOOKIE

Michel, people stopped saying "whatever" like two years ago.

MICHEL

Whatever. I'm outtie 5,000.

PARIS

AND DOYLE'S APARTMENT

PARIS

oh. Great.

DOYLE

What's the matter, babe?

PARIS

Logan, did you just polish off a carton of milk?

LOGAN

Oh, yeah, I guess I did. Sorry. There's plenty more in there, though.

PARIS

Well, actually, no.

LOGAN

Really?

PARIS

Nope. There's no milk in here for my cereal. It's cool. I'll just skip breakfast and suffer the afternoon mood swings.

LOGAN

I'm sorry I could have sworn there were like four or five cartons in there.

PARIS

Each of these milks is here for a reason. I need the 2% for my cereal, whole milk for my tea, half-and-half for my coffee, skim milk for cooking or baking, plus, I like to keep lactaid on hand for Doyle.

DOYLE

Which I don't need. Because I'm not lactose intolerant.

PARIS

You're lactose resistant. You have a bias against lactose. You're sensitive.

DOYLE

I'm not sensitive. I have no problem with lactose.

PARIS

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Jake Gyllenhaal is sensitive. Orlando Bloom is sensitive.

DOYLE

Me and lactose are cool. We're down.

LOGAN

I tell you what, I'll replenish the 2% and keep my paws off the lactaid.

DOYLE

I don't need the lactaid.

RORY

Good morning.

DOYLE

Me and lactose are bros.

RORY

Glad to hear it.

PARIS

I wouldn't throw Jake Gyllenhaal out of bed.

RORY

Also good to know.

LOGAN

Good morning, ace. Welcome to the party.

PARIS

FYI, there's no 2% milk.

RORY

Ah oh.

LOGAN

Guilty as charged. Man, you look great. That is one smart-looking suit.

RORY

Well, let's hope that it does most of the talking because I keep thinking of questions that they might ask me, and this lovely little thing keeps happening where my mind goes completely blank. You know it's like "Rory, what journalists do you admire?" ah-um "What journalists do I admire?" And nothing. It's a blank. It's like a snowstorm in here. It's all white and empty.

PARIS

Uh-oh.

LOGAN

You're gonna be great.

DOYLE

Absolutely.

PARIS

Or you'll choke. What? It's your first big interview. You very well may panic. I'm just saying, don't panic if you panic.

RORY

Ah that's so sweet, Paris.

DOYLE

Which paper is it?

RORY

The Providence Journal Bulletin.

DOYLE

The pro jo -- no kidding? It's a good paper. Excellent reputation. Top-notch staff.

RORY

Yeah, it could be a really good job.

DOYLE

Oh on the downside, word on the street is they work their cubs hard. Long hours, lots of working lunches. And they do have a comics section.

LOGAN

What's wrong with a comic section?

DOYLE

Let's just say The New York Times does not have a comic section. Speaking of the biz, I should hit the road here. Where the heck is my attaché case?

LOGAN

You are gonna be great.

RORY

Oh, thanks.

PARIS

I got a credit-card statement addressed to you, Logan. Addressed to you here. No "care of... " just you.

LOGAN

Yeah that stuff used to go to my dad's business manager. I had them forward it here. Hope that's okay.

RORY

That's okay. Isn't it okay?

PARIS

Yes. You're right. Of course it's okay.

RORY

Okay, I need to pick out a coat. A trench coat would be too "All The President's Men," but my blue coat would be too "His Girl Friday."

PARIS

I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Why are you here?

LOGAN

You're not talking metaphysically, are you?

PARIS

Seriously, Huntzberger. You're used to living in places with doormen and Danish furniture and refrigerators so fancy, magnets won't stick to them. This craphole's smaller than the walk-in closet in your last pad. What's the deal?

LOGAN

Well, my last pad was not my pad, technically. My dad's company was picking up the rent, and since I'm no longer working with my dad's company, they weren't so keen on it.

PARIS

Plus, you're broke.

LOGAN

I'm not broke.

RORY

What about this? Is it too "That Girl"?

LOGAN

You can never be too "That Girl."

DOYLE

Man, those corn flakes really did a number on me.

RORY

Okay, I better go catch my train. Have a good day.

LOGAN

Good luck, ace. Knock 'em dead.

RORY

Okay I will.

LOGAN

Call me after.

RORY

Okay, bye.

PARIS

Oh, after you're finished with all your work, it'd be great if you could...

LOGAN

Pick up some 2%. I'm on it.

PARIS

"Do the dishes," I was going to say.

LOGAN

Oh, okay, sure.

PARIS

And, Logan, this probably goes without saying, but no scrubby sponges on the Teflon pans.

LOGAN

Wouldn't dream of it.

LUKE

Wow. What'd you do, raid the New Mexico state library?

APRIL

I know, I know I just couldn't anticipate what I'd be in the mood for. Would I feel like reading Melville or Mcinerney? Or would I be in more of a Native-American, interconnected short-narratives mood, in which case, I'd go for the Louise Erdrich and some "love medicine."

LUKE

Yeah you know what I love about you?

APRIL

My dazzling wit and generous heart?

LUKE

The fact that you could be in a Native-American's interconnective short-narratives mood.

APRIL

It's fascinating stuff, and you know what's funny? Growing up in New England, it's like you're told over and over that you live in this old place where houses are 300 years old and there's all this history, right?

LUKE

Right,

APRIL

Well, some of these pueblos, like the Aztec ruins national monument, or the Casamero Pueblo ruins -- I mean, people were living there in 1100 A.D. It's like, "suck it, New England."

LUKE

It's like what?

APRIL

And actually, one of my swim-team friends lives on the Jicarilla Apache reservation, which is pretty fabulous.

LUKE

Fabulous, huh?

APRIL

"Fabulous" is the new word in school.

LUKE

I see so New Mexico doesn't seem so terrible after all, huh?

APRIL

Yeah, not so terrible.

LUKE

You know, you look good. Grown-up. Maybe it's the new glasses.

APRIL

Thanks. A girl can only be called Sally Jessy so many times before she has to rethink the red frames. Plus, I think these go better with earrings.

LUKE

With...

LUKE

Oh, look at that. You got pierced ears.

APRIL

I basically had to. Unadorned ears seem like a total waste when all around where I live, all this fabulous jewelry making is going on. Oh, speaking of which...

LUKE

What's this?

APRIL

Open it.

LUKE

Ah. [opens the box] Oh, wow, a bracelet.

APRIL

Navaho tradition says that turquoise is a piece of sky that fell to earth. And the apache used to put little pieces of it on their arrows so that they'd aim more true.

LUKE

Well that is very sweet of you, April. Thank you very much.

APRIL

Well? Put it on. Let's see what it looks like.

LUKE

[Chuckles]

APRIL

Fab-u-lous.

LUKE

Yeah, fabulous.

APRIL

Totally.

LUKE

Yeah.

MICHEL

Is that a rhetorical question?

MR SINCLAIR

I beg your pardon?

MICHEL

You said, "who doesn't love the spring fling festival?" And I'm asking...

LORELAI

Because we just can't imagine anyone who doesn't love it. Michel, will you grab their keys? Mr. And Mrs. Sinclair, it's so wonderful to have you back. Welcome.

MRS SINCLAIR

We've been dreaming about the festival since the middle of January.

MR SINCLAIR

Mm-hmm. This winter was a doozy.

KID

I got my tongue stuck to the swing set in our backyard.

LORELAI

Wow. Really?

MRS SINCLAIR

He did. I had to get my hair dryer and an extension cord and melt the poor thing free.

LORELAI

Well, it's just pony rides and funnel cakes from now on. Let me show you all our information. [Goes to answer the phone] Oh, just excuse me one second. [On the phone] Dragonfly inn.

RORY

[On a Train] Hey.

LORELAI

Hi, how did it go?

RORY

It went great!

LORELAI

Wow, that's great. Hold on a second. I'll be right back. Michel, will you talk to Rory? [Back to the Sinclair's] Okay, so here's your map.

MICHEL

Hello.

RORY

Hey, Michel. How's it going?

MICHEL

Middling to poor. Where are you? I hear noise.

RORY

I'm on a train on my way back from Providence.

MICHEL

Oh.

RORY

What?

MICHEL

I do not care for trains.

RORY

Oh, no? I'm sorry.

MICHEL

Trains are dirty.

RORY

Well, this train doesn't look very dirty.

MICHEL

You know what I find particularly disgusting?

RORY

What?

MICHEL

Train tracks. They remind me somehow of trails left behind by slugs. You know there are a lot of slugs in the spring, you know? Oozing all over the place. Uh, I think your mother is done now. It was nice talking to you.

LORELAI

[To the Sinclair's] Thank you. Have a good time. [To Rory] Hey.

RORY

So it's spring fling time again, huh?

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, when a young man's fancy turns to being totally rude. So tell me about the interview. I want to hear everything. You walked in the door. What kind of door? You sat in a chair. What kind of chair? Go.

RORY

I met the editor, Kate Hessel, and she invited me in. I sat down, we started talking, and we just had so much to talk about. It was great. It was an amazing interview.

LORELAI

Wow! That's great!

RORY

It was we talked about Seymour Hersh and how he was comparing Iran to Nicaragua and the contra war and everything, from Alexander Haig and Watergate to the Oprah phenomenon. And the best part was I was just being myself, you know? I was just talking, and I forgot about impressing her.

LORELAI

But there you were, impressing her.

RORY

Yeah and she said she'd call me by tomorrow to let me know whether or not I got the job.

LORELAI

Wow, tomorrow?

RORY

Yes I feel that everything's happening so fast. I can't believe school's almost over. I can't believe it's spring already.

LORELAI

Well, it is, believe me. We are lousy with spring flingers here.

RORY

How are those spring flingers?

LORELAI

Well you know, as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as ever. So you gonna make it this year?

RORY

Oh I do want to come, but...

LORELAI

Yay! Did I just "yay" over your "but"?

RORY

But I wanted to check with you first because I want to make sure it's cool if I bring Logan, too.

LORELAI

Oh. Y-yes, of course. Gosh, I should have thought of that. I'm sorry.

RORY

Oh, no, it's cool.

LORELAI

You can give him the grand tour of Stars Hollow, and I'll show embarrassing pictures of you picking your nose.

RORY

Oh, no. No baby pictures.

LORELAI

Who said they're baby pictures? So, um, you're bringing a guy home.

RORY

It's not like I picked him up at a truck stop.

LORELAI

No, no, I know. You're bringing a suitor, a gentleman caller, home to stars hollow. I'm gonna have to get out my pipe and dust off my "what are your intentions?" Cue cards.

ANNOUNCER ON TRAIN

Next stop, mystic. Mystic, Connecticut.

LORELAI

Listen to you on the train.

RORY

I know. I'm in my suit. I'm reading the paper.

LORELAI

Coming back from your job interview.

RORY

I know I just went on an interview for a real job in the real world.

LORELAI

Wow, I am impressed.

RORY

Thanks, mom.

LORELAI

Seriously. I'm impressed.

RORY

I'll see you tomorrow.

RORY

Okay, here we are! This is the entryway, or the foyer, if you're feeling fancy or French.

LOGAN

Wow.

RORY

You can just leave that stuff here. What do you mean "wow"? When you walk into your parents' foyer, there is a genuine-article Magritte right there and a chandelier the size of a Volkswagen. Now, that is a foyer with a capital "F."

LOGAN

Yeah but this is where Rory Gilmore grew up -- the Rory Gilmore.

RORY

Hello?

LORELAI

Are you here?

RORY

No, we're really far away screaming really loudly.

LORELAI

Ha ha ha. Hi, hi! Welcome, welcome!

LOGAN

How you doing, Lorelai?

LORELAI

Good, good. Apparently I say everything twice now. It's charming. Charming.

LOGAN

Well, these are for you. [Hands Lorelai some flowers]

LORELAI

Oh! Wow. Thank you.

LOGAN

Thank you for having me.

LORELAI

They're beautiful. I'll put them in a vase.

LOGAN

They're Cymbidium orchids. They're native to the foothills of the Himalayas.

LORELAI

Well, that sounds fancy. And they look fancy, too. Wow.

LOGAN

This is a beautiful house.

LORELAI

Thank you. I never know what to say when somebody says that. You don't want to agree, but on the other hand, it feels weird to disagree and say, "no, it's a dump," so thank you.

LOGAN

It's charming. Charming.

RORY

Hey, mom, we still get cell reception in here, right?

LORELAI

Yeah, of course, honey. Why? Ooh, the job.

RORY

Yeah, she said she'd let me know by today.

LOGAN

Today's not over. Today's just starting.

LORELAI

Oh, honey, I'm sure she's just busy at work, you know? Speaking of which, I should get to work because Michel's mental state is very precarious today.

RORY

Yeah, go. We'll be fine.

LORELAI

Okay I circled some stuff in the paper for you, though. So you'd have stuff to do. There's some movies if you feel like going to the movies. And um I noticed that the colonial butter churners are having an exhibition at the antiquarian society. That could be kind of funny. And um then there will be a lot to do tomorrow with the festival and everything. There will be games and face-painting and stuff like that...

RORY

Mom.

LORELAI

What? You've lived here before?

RORY

Yeah I think I remember enough to show Logan around. This is the town with the Sistine chapel, right?

LORELAI

Oh yeah and don't forget to show him the Pyramids, Kitty-corner from the Wailing wall.

LOGAN

Thank you.

LORELAI

Thanks. Um so I got you guys set up in Rory's room, and um just make yourselves at home. I made up the bed for you and the trundle bed, so you can do whatever you want. I mean, bed-wise.

RORY

Okay great, that's great.

LORELAI

So I'll see you later for dinner. Unless you want to have dinner alone, which is total cool.

LOGAN

Don't be ridiculous.

RORY

We want to have dinner with you.

LORELAI

Okay, good. Well I have the town meeting, but I'll be home after. I will wow you with my takeout-ordering skills.

RORY

She really is amazing.

LORELAI

There's talk of a show on the food network.

LOGAN

Sounds great.

LORELAI

And you have some guest towels there.

RORY

Oh, I didn't know we had guest towels.

LORELAI

Of course. "Guest towels." A fancy way of saying "towels that are clean."

RORY

Oh.

LORELAI

All right, I'll see you later. Have fun.

RORY

Okay, bye. I'll take that, then. [Sighing] Oh.

LOGAN

Come here.

RORY

What?

LOGAN

Why don't you come over here and find out?

RORY

What? Here? Where the Rory Gilmore used to sleep?

LOGAN

Hi.

RORY

Hi.

MISS PATTY

And 4 and 5. Keep those toes pointed. Mary, that means you. Extend and reach out. Roots push into the soil!

RORY

And this right here -- this is the very curb where I fell off my bicycle the second time.

LOGAN

Wait, is that blood?

RORY

Yeah you joke, but it was very traumatic, okay? I scraped up my whole face. There was a big old scab on my nose the first two weeks of fifth grade. Oh, they called me bozo.

LOGAN

Bozo.

RORY

And Rudolph and scab nose.

LOGAN

Oh.

RORY

[Giggles] This is the curb where I fell off my bike the third time.

LOGAN

Oh, poor little scab nose.

RORY

Yes. It's also the place where I decided I would never ride a bicycle again in my entire life, or at least till the end of elementary school.

LOGAN

There should be a plaque.

RORY

There should be. Oh and this is Miss Patty's dance school.

LOGAN

Any injuries incurred here?

RORY

Only psychological ones.

LOGAN

That's cute. Those are some pretty avant-garde costumes there?

RORY

They are. They're bold. It's for the dance of the daffodils. There are three acts, you see. In the first one, the bulbs dance, then they grow stalks, and then they bloom into daffodils by the third.

LOGAN

Oh, that's cute.

RORY

Mm-hmm.

LOGAN

And this hay-bale maze -- this is all Taylor's idea?

RORY

Yep.

LOGAN

This is the same Taylor who is town selectman and owns two businesses.

RORY

Yeah, he's basically the Mayor of Stars Hollow and Don Corleone all wrapped up into one.

LOGAN

That's fascinating.

RORY

That's fascinating?

LOGAN

I find Stars Hollow fascinating.

RORY

You're out of your gourd.

LOGAN

No, I'm very much in my gourd. It's like colonial Williamsburg with fewer knickers and Tricorn hats.

RORY

And more hay? This is Luke's diner.

LOGAN

Oh. When you were younger, were you in the dance of the daffodils?

RORY

Maybe.

LOGAN

You were, weren't you?

RORY

Well, therein lies the psychological injury.

LOGAN

What happened?

RORY

I didn't bloom. My headpiece malfunctioned.

LOGAN

Poor little scab nose.

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

Wow, the famous Luke's.

ZACH

Rory!

RORY

Oh, hey, Zach! You know Logan.

ZACH

Sure, sure. How's it going, man?

LOGAN

Great I'm having a great time.

ZACH

Hey, we just saw Kwan and Steve. Oh, yeah? Wait, Lane was there, too, right?

RORY

Yeah.

LOGAN

She was there. She looks great.

RORY

Yeah and the babies are already growing so big.

ZACH

I know, huh? Especially Kwan. Well, at least in the torso. He's got this superlong torso, but Steve's growing in the arms and legs department.

RORY

I noticed he has long legs.

ZACH

Dude, Steve's an octopus, man, but Kwan's got the torso. When it comes to torso, he's so on it.

ZACH

Well, I got to get back to work. You guys sit anywhere you like.

RORY

Thanks, Zach.

LOGAN

So, is this your table?

RORY

Oh, I guess they're all kind of mine. They're each my own little kitchen table.

LOGAN

No call?

RORY

No call.

LOGAN

Don't worry.

LUKE

Rory, hey!

RORY

Hey.

LUKE

Hey, Logan.

LOGAN

How's it going, man?

LUKE

Good, good. So what brings you to this neck of the woods?

RORY

Ah the spring fling, and it's my neck -- of the woods, I mean. I wanted to show Logan around.

LUKE

Well, it's good to see you.

RORY

Yeah you too.

LUKE

You know April's here for the festival, too. She's hanging out with her swim buddies, but I know she'd love to see you.

RORY

Oh, great.

LUKE

You guys know what you want, do you need a minute?

RORY

Do you want to peruse the menu first?

LOGAN

Sure.

RORY

We'll peruse.

LUKE

Peruse away.

RORY

[Sighs and checks the cell phone again]

LOGAN

She'll call you. Now, put it away.

RORY

But...

LOGAN

Put it away.

RORY

Hmm. You know, it's so not a big deal.

LOGAN

What isn't?

RORY

Not getting this job. I mean It's not even my first choice. What I really want is the Reston fellowship. And not getting this job is just so not a big deal.

LOGAN

Okay.

RORY

Yeah, I mean, and Providence? It's no Manhattan.

LOGAN

That's true, because it's Providence.

RORY

Right.

LUKE

[bringing water to the table] What the hell?

RORY

Whoa.

LUKE

Taylor, you cannot... [Luke rushes outside] Taylor, what the hell are you doing?

TAYLOR

Now, take it easy, Luke.

LUKE

I am taking it easy, Taylor.

TAYLOR

No, you're not. The veins in your neck are starting to pop out at me.

LUKE

Why is there a giant wall of hay right in front of my diner?!

TAYLOR

The entire town voted. I'm just executing what the town wants.

LUKE

This is not what the town wants. This is what you want!

LOGAN

Oh, stars hollow is better than Colonial Williamsburg.

RORY

Mm-hmm.

SOOKIE

So they're staying in the trundle bed, huh?

LORELAI

Yep.

SOOKIE

So if they're all cozy and trundly, I guess that means Logan's out of the doghouse, huh?

LORELAI

Out of the doghouse. Back to roaming the neighborhood.

SOOKIE

What is that tone?

LORELAI

Oh, no tone. He's lovely. I'm glad that they're doing well and they're back together and that he stopped gallivanting.

SOOKIE

Gallivanting?

LORELAI

You know, gambling in Vegas, jumping off buildings, whatever it was he was doing. Of course, I don't love that he was doing it so recently.

SOOKIE

Sounds like Logan's still in somebody's doghouse.

LORELAI

No, no, no. Logan's a lovely young man. He's nice and polite and funny. He's got that hair, you know? The hair that could sell shampoo to a bald man.

SOOKIE

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

Logan is a very charming young man.

SOOKIE

I know that tone.

LORELAI

What tone?

SOOKIE

That. The sound of repressed judgment.

LORELAI

I don't know what you're talking about.

SOOKIE

I am talking about last month at the book-shop bake sale when Winsen brown came up and told us that her daughter Maude was just signed by ford, you know, as a baby model, and you were like, "oh, Winsen, that's wonderful. What a great way for a 9-month-old to see the world." That's the exact same tone.

LORELAI

I don't mean to be judgmental.

SOOKIE

I know that's why you're talking like you've had your jaw wired shut. [laughs]

LORELAI

No, I just... I mean, Rory is an adult now, you know? She's riding trains and wearing suits. Made sense for me to have an opinion when we were talking about Jess or Dean, but with Logan, I don't know. It's just really not my place anymore.

SOOKIE

I see.

LORELAI

I mean sure, I don't love that he just did a business deal behind his father's back and lost millions of dollars. And I don't love that after that, he quit his job and moved in with Rory. These are not things I love. And I'm not crazy about the fact that, apparently, in the name of getting on his feet, he's writing in some sort of idea book, which is, as far as I can tell, is just a notebook in which he writes ideas.

SOOKIE

Wait, what?

LORELAI

Yeah, right. I mean I have a dream journal, but I don't use it as evidence of my responsibility. Look, he's an overcoiffed, overprivileged young man, but it's not my place.

SOOKIE

To judge.

LORELAI

Exactly.

SOOKIE

Mm-hmm.

LORELAI

Wait a minute. Where are the booths?

SOOKIE

Where are the booths?

LORELAI

I mean, the festival's tomorrow. All I see is hay.

SOOKIE

A ridiculous amount of hay.

LORELAI

Huh!

SOOKIE

Wow! It's crowded.

LORELAI

Yeah full house, huh?

APRIL

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Hey.

SOOKIE

Hey I'm gonna go find Jackson. I'll save you a seat.

LORELAI

Okay. April, hi! [They hug as Luke and April come over] How you guys doing?

APRIL

Oh, I'm fabulous.

LORELAI

Fabulous. So how is New Mexico treating you? You had any interesting encounters with UFOs lately?

APRIL

Oh, tons, but you know what they say – "What happens in Roswell stays in Roswell."

LORELAI

Hmm. Do they say that?

LUKE

Well, she does.

LORELAI

Wow, someone got their ears pierced. Glamorous.

APRIL

Thank you.

LUKE

Someone's growing up fast, huh?

LORELAI

NO kidding.

APRIL

I can hear you guys, you know. I'm getting our seat.

LUKE

Alright I'll be right there.

APRIL

See you later, Lorelai.

LORELAI

Bye, hon. Oh. So...

LUKE

So, how's the Inn?

LORELAI

Good. It's, uh, full of spring flingers.

LUKE

Oh, I bet.

LORELAI

How's the diner?

LUKE

Uh, same as ever. You know.

LORELAI

Yeah.

TAYLOR

If everybody would please take their seats, I'll call this meeting to order.

LORELAI

Well, I guess we better...

LUKE

See you later.

LORELAI

Okay.

TAYLOR

Now, I am aware that a small but vocal minority of you have expressed concern about the progress of this year's spring fling festival. I would like to take this time to assure you that everything is going as planned.

SOOKIE

So, how was it with Luke?

LORELAI

Um... polite, succinct, fine.

SOOKIE

Good.

LORELAI

Yeah.

TAYLOR

... well it is Babette, I assure you there's nothing to worry about.

BABETTE

But what about our booths? We don't have our booths!

TAYLOR

Everything is under control. Take, for instance, the hay-bale maze. It's coming along wonderfully.

LUKE

It's taking over the whole town.

TAYLOR

What do you mean?

JACKSON

There's hay everywhere. I haven't seen so much hay since... I have never in my life seen so much hay.

TAYLOR

Would everyone please take a handful of chill pills?

GYPSY

Where the hell is my damn lemonade booth?

TAYLOR

You don't need to worry about your lemonade booth.

GYPSY

Why not? The festival is tomorrow, and I have to start squeezing my lemons, and I don't have my equipment or my booth.

TAYLOR

You don't have to worry about that, gypsy, because you don't need to squeeze lemons because you don't need lemonade. Because there isn't going to be a lemonade booth this year.

GYPSY

What?!

TAYLOR

The budget for the lemonade booth has been reallocated to the hay-bale maze.

BABETTE

What about Morey's salty nuts?! How's he supposed to have his salty nuts booth if we don't have a lemonade booth? If people start eating salty nuts and they don't have easy access to lemonade, their mouths will fall off.

TAYLOR

Well you don't have to worry about that, Babette, because there's not going to be a salty nuts booth because the budget for the salty nuts booth has been reallocated to the hay-bale maze.

BABETTE

What?!

LORELAI

He spent the entire budget on the hay-bale maze.

SOOKIE

No.

TAYLOR

I put the entire budget into the hay-bale maze.

SOOKIE

No!

LORELAI

Taylor, you can't do that. I have an inn full of guests who've come here, traveled miles, withstood winter, who blow-dried their tongues off their swing sets so they could get to the spring fling.

TAYLOR

Yes.

LORELAI

They expect certain things, the traditional events -- pie-eating contests, pony rides. They don't want just a hay-bale maze and nothing else.

TAYLOR

Feast your eyes on this bad boy.

MICHEL

Taylor!

LUKE

That goes right up to my diner. It's blocking my entire diner.

BABETTE

I don't get it. Is it a race?

TAYLOR

You people clearly don't understand the long and rich history of mazes. Ladies and gentlemen of stars hollow, perhaps this will help.

LORELAI

Oh, my god.

GYPSY

What the hell is that?

KIRK

I am the Minotaur!

LORELAI

The weird thing is he's been in that head under that velvet cloth this whole time.

KIRK

Although the word "labyrinth" is used interchangeably with "maze," maze scholars insist upon a distinction.

BABETTE

Hey, Kirk! What's with the cow's head?

TAYLOR

Where are you people going?

KIRK

A labyrinth is a universal maze, a maze without branches, without choices...

LUKE

You ready?

TAYLOR

This is important. The Minotaur is speaking.

KIRK

... Blind alleys down which to proceed. Now, the first maze in recorded history...

BABETTE

People are gonna miss your salty nuts, baby. They are.

MOREY

Yeah.

LORELAI

Insane.

SOOKIE

Insane.

LORELAI

Insane.

LORELAI

Hi, I'm home!

RORY

We're in here!

LORELAI

We got a new Thai menu that looks kind of promising. I don't know where Jessington way is, though... or never mind. I am -- I am shocked. I-I'm shocked to find there's cooking going on in here.

RORY

It is shocking, isn't it?

LOGAN

We're making paella.

LORELAI

Paella? Who can even spell paella, let alone make it? That smells good.

LOGAN

Can I get you wine? We have red and white.

RORY

Yeah and in paella, there's chicken, sausage, and shrimp. So anything goes.

LORELAI

Uh, red, please.

RORY

How was the town meeting?

LOGAN

Oh yeah, how was Taylor?

RORY

Logan's fascinated with Taylor.

LOGAN

He's fascinating.

LORELAI

He's insane. He is ripping out the gazebo with a crane.

RORY

What? What do you mean?

LORELAI

He's ripping out the gazebo with a crane. He thinks that it defeats the purpose of the maze if we can still see a town landmark.

RORY

Wait. I cannot believe that he is doing that. That gazebo has been there since Paul Revere was a baby boy.

LORELAI

I know. So what can I do? How can I help?

LOGAN

You can chop peppers.

LORELAI

Peppers. Those are the -- oh, right. Hey, how do you know how to make paella?

LOGAN

Well, when I was a junior at Exeter or -- no, sorry, Andover -- I did a semester abroad in Spain.

LORELAI

Spain -- wow.

RORY

Oh! I think that's me. [on the phone from the living room] Hello?...

LORELAI

Um so, I heard you had a really tough business deal. I'm sorry about that.

LOGAN

Oh, yeah, that's the way it goes. You know these things happen. A business is like an ocean. You just got to surf it.

LORELAI

[Chuckles] Right. Um, but Rory said you're working on some new ideas. How's that going?

LOGAN

Great. Really great. It's an exciting time. This is the real dot-com renaissance. Everything's changing from the way media is sourced to the way we buy things to what we buy. All the restrictions of the brick-and-mortar retail mall are gonna be a thing of the past.

LORELAI

Hmm.

LOGAN

Oh, yeah, it's way beyond Amazon and eBay now. It's kind of like what's going on with these simulation games, like "Second Life" or "World of Warcraft." Actual currency is being exchanged for virtual goods.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah?

LOGAN

I mean theoretically, I could make a fortune selling virtual Lightsabers or something on "Everquest 2"

LORELAI

Whatever happened to selling encyclopedias? Not virtual enough, I guess.

LOGAN

Ideas are really my commodity. With the experience I have and the contacts I've gained, I really feel with the right idea, boom, I could be right back on top.

LORELAI

Hmm.

RORY

Oh, my god. I got it! I got the job!

LORELAI

Oh, my god, honey! I can't believe it!

LOGAN

I can.

LORELAI

I knew you were gonna get it.

RORY

It's a real writing job!

LORELAI

A real writing job!

RORY

I mean I'd have a salary and a desk and maybe even an office. Well, not an office, but she did say something about a desk and a salary and a 401k, and I have to tell her yes or no by Monday. Oh my God.

LOGAN

Oh, I'm so proud of you, Ace.

LORELAI

Oh, honey!

RORY

Someone actually wants to pay me to write.

LORELAI

We need to celebrate.

LOGAN

Absolutely.

LORELAI

All right, to you.

RORY

Cheers.

LORELAI

You know what this calls for.

RORY

What?

LORELAI

Paella.

LOGAN

[Laughs]

RORY

Yes.

RORY

It's a good job.

LORELAI

It is.

LOGAN

Absolutely.

RORY

It's a really good job. I can't really imagine living in Providence, Rhode island. I mean I don't think there's a lot going on there.

LOGAN

Well, there's Brown. It's a pretty cool college town.

RORY

Yeah which would be great if I hadn't just spent the last four years in college at a college town. It is a great paper, though. I guess that's the part to focus on.

LOGAN

It's an excellent paper.

RORY

But it's kind of small.

LORELAI

Well you could be the big fish in the small pond.

RORY

Yeah which means I would actually get to write some articles, which would be great. But I don't know. Is it better to be a small fish in a pond where I'm gonna learn more and have career-advancement opportunities?

LORELAI

You don't have to decide until Monday, and between now and then, you can eat a lot of pie.

RORY

Yes, if we ever make it to Weston's.

LORELAI

Seriously.

LOGAN

Yeah, where is this Weston's of yours?

RORY

Normally, it's not far away, but all this hay's blocking all the parking spots. It's too much hay.

LORELAI

Yeah well, we're burning off a lot of calories, so thank goodness you ordered an extra pie.

RORY

Two extra pies, actually.

LORELAI

Nice!

RORY

To be quite honest, this is one of the best jobs I could imagine getting.

LORELAI

That's really great.

RORY

I know, but it's just one of, you know? It's not the best. It's just... [Sighs] I don't know. I mean, if I take this job, I'm giving up the chance at the Reston fellowship.

LOGAN

Which you really, really want.

RORY

I'd be giving up The New York Times, you know? But then, is it idiotic to give up a great job for this chance at another job? Not even a job. The fellowship's only a six-week paid internship.

LOGAN

Yeah but if the fellowship is your dream, I don't know I guess people should go for their dreams.

LORELAI

Yes, honey, I want all your dreams to come true.

LOGAN

You got to go for it sometimes. Screw the 401k.

LORELAI

Oh, well, not everyone can live in that dream world.

LOGAN

It's not in a dream world, necessarily.

LORELAI

Yes, it is, if you're talking about following your whims and neglecting financial security.

LOGAN

I'm not saying to neglect financial security.

LORELAI

Okay.

LOGAN

Not at all. When you're 22, I don't think a 401k needs to be your top priority. That's all I'm saying.

LORELAI

Right, well, all I'm saying is food costs money and rent costs money and a salary gives you money, so that can be a good thing.

LOGAN

I agree. I'm aware of the reality of money.

LORELAI

Okay.

RORY

All right you guys figure out my future. I'm gonna go pick up these pies.

LORELAI

Okay.

LOGAN

I just got my first credit-card statement. I'm very much aware of the reality of money.

LORELAI

You just got your first credit-card statement?

LOGAN

Earning money is great. It's just not everything.

LORELAI

No, I agree.

LOGAN

And I think in this particular situation, Rory should take the gamble.

LORELAI

The gamble? Rory's not a gambler, you know? She's a thoughtful, deliberate decision maker.

LOGAN

I know that.

LORELAI

You're a gambler, but that's not her.

RORY

Okay, cherry pie, banana-cream pie, and strawberry-rhubarb pie.

LORELAI

Great!

RORY

I just figured, if we're gonna do pie, we might as well do pie.

LOGAN

Let's do pie.

LORELAI

Let's do pie.

LOGAN

What you doing awake, Ace?

RORY

Oh, I'm sorry.

LOGAN

Oh, a pro/con list. Classic Rory Gilmore pro/con list.

RORY

There's so many factors!

LOGAN

Yeah.

RORY

What about all the other newspapers that have my résumé, you know? Taking this job means rejecting all those other possibilities. I should factor that in.

LOGAN

Yeah.

RORY

Or what about the very real possibility that print journalism is a dying animal? I should factor that in as a pro, because newspaper jobs might become increasingly rare, and I should snap up what I can get, but also as a con, because I should be careful about getting too entrenched in what could become an anachronistic medium.

LOGAN

Mm-hmm. [Reading the list on the laptop.] "Pro -- air quality in Providence as compared to air quality in Manhattan. Con -- Chinese-food quality in Providence as compared to Chinese-food quality in Manhattan." You need to go to sleep. [Closing the laptop]

RORY

Oh, no, but these are pivotal hours. I mean these are the hours when I'm gonna make my decision.

LOGAN

You need sleep, haven't you ever heard of the expression "sleep on it"?

RORY

But...

LOGAN

We can do a pro/con list about you doing a pro/con list, but I say we do it in the morning.

RORY

I guess I am kind of tired.

LOGAN

I bet.

RORY

[Yawns] What are you doing there, babe?

LOGAN

[Grunts] Just trying to get my pants on and get some water.

RORY

Oh, yeah? Some water? With your pants?

LOGAN

Yeah, I don't want to go out there without pants.

RORY

You need to put a shirt on to get water?

LOGAN

Yeah what if your mom's out there? I don't want her thinking I'm David Hasselhoff or something.

RORY

She's not gonna think you're David Hasselhoff. Socks? Logan, she's not gonna think anything weird. I promise.

LOGAN

Socks without shoes looks ridiculous. I'll be right back, sweetie.

RORY

All right, good night, David Hasselhoff.

LORELAI

Oh.

LOGAN

Oh, hey.

LORELAI

Hi.

LOGAN

I'm sorry. I didn't wake you, did I?

LORELAI

No, I was... craving some pie, but you know what? I'm not -- I'm not hungry.

LOGAN

I just needed some water.

LORELAI

That's okay. I'll... see you in the morning.

LOGAN

Lorelai?

LORELAI

Yeah?

LOGAN

I want you to know I'm not a gambler.

LORELAI

Okay.

LOGAN

Look, I know that Rory tells you stuff, and you know all these things about me, like I know you know I went to Vegas and all that, and I just I want you to know that's not who I am. I don't want you to be worried.

LORELAI

Well... I am worried. I'm a mom. That's what we do.

LOGAN

Okay well, what exactly are you worried about?

LORELAI

Okay. I'm worried that you're not worried enough. You take things lightly. This whole "you got to surf the waves" attitude. "Cowabunga, dude." I mean, you just lost millions of dollars.

LOGAN

I know. I know I did, believe me. And I don't feel "Cowabunga, dude" inside. Believe me, I know I made a big mistake.

LORELAI

You do?

LOGAN

Yeah. But I don't want to act like that in front of you. I mean, for one thing, the whole self-flagellation thing -- it's kind of embarrassing, and I just I want you to think well of me.

LORELAI

All right, well... it's good for me to know. It's good for me to know that you know you made a mistake.

LOGAN

I made a mistake. I messed up. I really messed up.

LORELAI

Okay. I think 401k's are important. I think responsibility and paying your bills and dealing with reality is important.

LOGAN

Ah well, I'm beginning to learn about reality. I grew up with a lot of privilege.

LORELAI

Right you had that whole silver-spoon-in-the-mouth thing, and that's not how I raised Rory.

LOGAN

I know that.

LORELAI

This was not a silver-spoon household. This was Spork city all the way.

LOGAN

I get that, and I respect that because I just spat out a whole place setting of sterling silver royal Danish. I left my dad's company, I left that world because I have my own values.

LORELAI

I understand that.

LOGAN

I thought you would because that's what you did. You left the world of privilege to do things your way.

LORELAI

I guess I never thought of it that way.

LOGAN

And you did it when you were younger and had a baby to take care of. It was really impressive.

LORELAI

I don't need you to be impressed by me. I just need you to know it wasn't easy.

LOGAN

I know that.

LORELAI

I didn't get anything like "boom," you know? I worked hard for everything I got.

LOGAN

I want to work. I'm ready to work. And I want to work hard.

LORELAI

All right, then.

LOGAN

All right, then.

LORELAI

Since we're up, do you think we should have some pie?

LOGAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

Really?

LOGAN

Yeah.

LORELAI

You think we should have some vanilla ice cream on it?

LOGAN

That's my favorite. I love vanilla ice cream.

KID

Are there any people chasing you?

MS SINCLAIR

No, it's just a maze -- a maze made out of hay.

KID

And there's no people jumping out at you with, like, squirt guns?

MRS SINCLAIR

I don't think so sweetie it's just a maze, but it's made out of hay!

KID

So, wait a minute. There's no lights or fireworks? It's really just a maze made out of hay? What a drag.

MICHEL

You're preaching to the choir.

LOGAN

Well, I can't believe we're finally here at the maze.

RORY

It's all I've dreamed since I could dream.

LOGAN

Oh man there is just something about being in a maze of hay. It's so much fun!

RORY

Totally.

LOGAN

Oh man, am I glad I got out of that waterslide park so I could come to the hay-bale maze!

LORELAI

Take it down, Olivier.

LOGAN

Not buying the waterslide thing?

LORELAI

Well, just keep it real. Well, the hay-bale maze is gonna be really fun, and then afterwards, Sookie has prepared hot dogs and funnel cakes and salty nuts -- all the festival classics.

KID

You like hay-bale mazes?

LOGAN

Oh, yeah, I'm crazy about them.

KID

That's cool.

MRS SINCLAIR

Co o on, let's go!

LORELAI

Hey, thanks.

LOGAN

No problem.

LORELAI

Wow, look at that. You think maybe Taylor was right?

RORY

Bite your tongue.

LOGAN

That man is a genius.

BABETTE

Whoa!

LORELAI

Hi, guys.

BABETTE

That was, "whoa!" Right, babe?

MOREY

Whoa.

LORELAI

Oh, you okay?

MOREY

The maze. Just high on the maze.

BABETTE

[Laughs as they leave.]

TAYLOR

Let's go, people. Keep it moving. [Sneezes] Damn allergies. [Sniffles] All right, next 10 can go. [Sniffling] Uh, no gum, no matches, no pushing, no shoving.

KIRK

No running in the maze!

TAYLOR

Oh, and if you get lost in the maze, don't panic, just stand still, wave your hands, and the, uh, maze guard will find you.

LORELAI

Oh I'm gonna say hi to Sookie and Jackson. I'll be right back. [Walks over to them] Hey, kids. Hi, you guys. Did the kids like the maze?

JACKSON

The kids loved the maze.

SOOKIE

We loved the maze.

LORELAI

Really?

SOOKIE

[Laughs] Yeah, it's really fun.

LORELAI

But it has no fireworks, no lights, no guys with squirt guns. Why is it so fun?

JACKSON

It's just cool!

LOGAN

You know when you were making that pro/con list?

RORY

Yeah?

LOGAN

I kind of noticed there was something on there about me.

RORY

Oh. Yeah. I didn't know where to put you.

LOGAN

Yeah, I was that, I saw you wrote "Logan," and then there were like three question marks.

RORY

Well, there were just so many factors. And I wasn't sure to what extent I should factor you in.

LOGAN

Well, I want you to know I don't want you to factor me in.

RORY

Oh. Okay.

LOGAN

No. I mean... I'm not sure exactly what I'm gonna be doing next, and I know I want to start putting my ideas out, and I know I want to start working, but I think you should do what you want to do, and then -- and then maybe I'll factor you in.

RORY

Oh. You want to factor me in.

LOGAN

Yeah. I'd like that. If you're in providence, maybe I'll come live in providence.

RORY

That would be great. But just, in general, I'd like to factor you in, too.

LOGAN

Okay. But for this one, you make your decision based on what you want for you. You do what you want.

RORY

Okay. You know what I really want?

LOGAN

What's that?

RORY

I want to go for the fellowship. I'm gonna say no to the pro jo.

LOGAN

Okay.

RORY

Yeah, I'm gonna go for it. Okay.

TAYLOR

Okay, next group! No gum, no matches, no pushing, no shoving. If you get lost in the maze, wave to the man on stilts. You're good to go.

RORY

Mom, you want to come with us?

LORELAI

Uh, no, go ahead.

LUKE

You got the tuna there?

APRIL

Tuna on rye, tuna on wheat, mayo, no mayo respectively.

LUKE

[on the phone] Yeah. No. No, delivery time hasn't changed. Yeah. No, no, no, the maze hasn't changed anything. Okay, all right. Uh, French dip, ham and Swiss, fries, fries, onion rings, roast beef, BLT, BLT no "B," BLT no "T," turkey on rye, burger. Yep. No. No problem. [hangs up phone]

ZACH

Okay.

LUKE

"Okay" what?

ZACH

Okay I've got something to tell you.

LUKE

I don't have time for dramatic pauses Zach.

ZACH

I've mastered the maze. I have. At first, I thought I had to go around the maze to make the deliveries, but, dude, it's easier to go through the maze.

LUKE

Great, Zach.

ZACH

I know. At first, I wrote it down, you know the path, but I don't need it because it's all up here, or in here. Check it out, eyes closed -- it goes left, right, right, left, left, left, right. Wait. Left, left, right...

APRIL

Don't give it away. I am dying to go through the maze. I bet it's fabulous.

ZACH

It so is.

LUKE

Go.

APRIL

Go?

LUKE

GO through the maze.

APRIL

Don't you need help here?

LUKE

No, no, go ahead. I don't need you.

APRIL

Bye, dad.

LUKE

Have a fabulous time.

CAESAR

I got a patty-melt burger well-done, Pastrami on rye, chili dog, and three orders of fries.

ZACH

I'm good to go, man. You know what I'm gonna do?

LUKE

I can't begin to imagine.

ZACH

I'm gonna go through the maze at night, all alone, me, a blindfold. You know how I can do it?

LUKE

How's that?

ZACH

I can smell the hay.

LUKE

We can all smell the hay.

ZACH

No, dude. I can smell the hay.

LORELAI

Oh, god! Hey.

LUKE

Hey.

LORELAI

"Hey." Hay.

LORELAI

Oh, you got snacks.

LUKE

Yeah, well, Zach forgot these. The hay's kind of gone to his head. Anyway he gave me these directions here.

LORELAI

[Gasps]

LUKE

So I just go right, left... what?

LORELAI

What is that?

LUKE

Oh! April gave it to me.

LORELAI

You have a bracelet on your wrist.

LUKE

She's into jewelry. It's just a phase. What could I do?

LORELAI

Uh, wow!

LUKE

[Laughs] It's just one of these crazy phases. I was just getting used to the fact I had a daughter. Now all of a sudden, I have a teenager. It's wild. Time just goes by.

LORELAI

Luke.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

I'm sorry.

LUKE

Yeah, I'm, uh -- I'm sorry, too.

LORELAI

No, no, let me go first.

LUKE

Okay.

LORELAI

I messed up. That night I went to Christopher -- I'm sorry.

LUKE

Yeah.

LORELAI

I mean I never admitted it to you that it was wrong what I did, and it was, and I'm really sorry.

LUKE

Okay. Thanks.

LORELAI

[Sighs] I don't know why I didn't say this before.

LUKE

Ah. You know... I'm sorry, too, 'cause... I don't know, it's just... now that I've had April, it's... I've learned a lot, and I was crazy to think that I had to fix everything in my relationship with April before I could really be with you. And that's just not how you fix things. I mean things just don't stand still. They're always changing.

LORELAI

Yeah.

LUKE

I guess I was compartmentalizing? If that's what you call it. I mean I should have opened my compartments. I should have gotten your help.

LORELAI

I wanted to help.

LUKE

I know. And I'm sorry. And I'm sorry, also, because I think I kind of used April to push you away.

LORELAI

You did, huh?

LUKE

Yeah, I think so. I was afraid, and... I'm so sorry.

LORELAI

It's really okay.

LUKE

I'm glad.

LORELAI

Me too.

LUKE

Well, I got some fries that are getting cold.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah, well, I got to find my way out of here.

LUKE

By the way, you're really close. Just go left, two rights, and you're out.

LORELAI

Thanks.

TROUBADOUR

[singing] Nothing's gonna break your heart today nothing's gonna steal your light away no even when the skies are turning gray...