T7E7: “French Twist”

LORELAI

Okay sweetie what do we say to mommy when we see her at the airport.

GIGI

Bonjour!

LORELAI

"Bonjour, mama! What's the haps?" I don't know the French word for "haps." [too Chris] Passports?

CHRISTOPHER

Got 'em. [too Gigi] Sweetie even after we meet up with mommy, we're gonna stay whit you all day, okay?

LORELAI

All day you will not be able to shake us. [too Chris] Cash?

CHRISTOPHER

Check.

LORELAI

Confusing shorthand.

CHRISTOPHER

Check -- I've got cash.

LORELAI

Thank you.

GIGI

Will there be food on the plane?

LORELAI

There will be food, but airplane food is one of life's cruel jokes, so, just in case, we have snacks up the whazoo. [too Chris] Are you sure the departure's 3:30? Why did I think it was later?

CHRISTOPHER

3:30-ish.

LORELAI

That's what it says on the ticket? "Departure 3:30-ish"?

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, it doesn't matter. Traffic this time of day's impossible.

LORELAI

All right, honey. Let's go.

CHRISTOPHER

You choose a trip to France to start using free weights?

LORELAI

Those are my shoes -- of course it's heavy. You teach them and teach them, but they never learn, do they, Gigi? Why do I feel like the departure was 6:15?

CHRISTOPHER

Let's go.

LORELAI

Now, Gigi, You are gonna love Paris. You know, they call it "the city of love."

GIGI

Why?

LORELAI

Why? Well, because it's romantic, and there's just love everywhere. Of course, there's also pigeons everywhere, but nobody would want to visit the city of pigeons, now would they?

CHRISTOPHER

I think we're ready.

LORELAI

Are you gonna tell me what time this flight actually leaves?

CHRISTOPHER

Soon.

LORELAI

Your daddy is very vague, Gigi

CHRISTOPHER

How cool is it that we're going to France? You're going to have such a good time staying in Paris.

LORELAI

I am green with envy. Am I green?

CHRISTOPHER

It's more of a teal.

LORELAI

Well it goes great with my eyes. Driver, take us to France! Au revoir, house!

GIGI

Au revoir, house!

CHRISTOPHER

We're pretty low on gas. Gonna have to stop and get some.

LORELAI

Honey how do we have time to stop for gas?

CHRISTOPHER

Our flight's not for 3 1/2 hours.

LORELAI

Oh!

CHRISTOPHER

[Laugh]

LORELAI

We knew it, Gigi, Didn't we? Gigi And I knew it.

BILL

So, as your newly elected editor in chief, it is my great honor to... honor...

SHEILA

okay.

BILL

...The stepping down...

RAJ

"stepping down."

A.K.

Eloquent.

BILL

...Of our former leader.

SHEILA

Anyone else thinking "recall"?

RORY

That's okay, bill. Keep going.

BILL

As I was saying, in recognition of Rory's hard work and devotion to the daily news, we have a few tokens of our appreciation. A.K.?

A.K.

This is just something to hang on your wall when you become editor of the New York Times.

RORY

Oh, thank you.

BILL

It's the front page of the last edition you edited.

A.K.

Yeah, she needed that explained.

RAJ

Rory... this is to commemorate all those articles of ours that you carefully, thoughtfully ripped to shreds.

RORY

Thank you, Raj. Now I think I have to go out and buy a freakishly large pencil sharpener.

JONI

I have a confession to make. I only joined the Yale Daily News as a way to meet cute guys, but after watching you handle the job of editor with intelligence and... and grace... I became inspired to become a journalist.

SHEILA

Aw!

JONI

Thank you. [Hugs Rory]

RORY

Oh! Whoa, Joni, I'm touched and a little damp.

RORY

It's okay.

PARIS

I have a Rory story. [Others look worried] When I was running the paper, I was dying to do an article about everybody's asinine obsession with Boho Chic, but Rory had the guts to tell me that the idea for my article was trite and passé, because that's who Rory is -- honest, direct, and to the point. Like, when you all turned on me and decided you didn't want me in charge anymore, and you all chewed me up and spit me out, Rory was the one who broke the news to me. Thank you, Rory, for being the one person with integrity among a collection of cowardly backstabbers.

RORY

These are all such great stories.

BILL

To Rory.

EVERYONE

To Rory!

RORY

Thank you very much. I didn't write a speech or anything, although I could recite "The Charge of the Light Brigade," or the lyrics to "Rebel Rebel"...

A.K.

Let's hear it.

RORY

...Neither of which I think are appropriate, but, um... look, I've really enjoyed being editor. It's been great. But it's time for a change, right? So sayeth the Yale Daily News bylaws. Um, so... [Sighs] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new editor in chief -- what's your name again?

BILL

Ha ha. Anyway, my first editorial move is to take everyone to Rich Man's Shoe. Drinks on me.

A.K.

All right, that's what I'm talking about!

OTHER TOGETHER

All right!

RAJ

Coming?

RORY

Huh?

RAJ

For drinks?

RORY

Uh, no. I think I'm gonna pass.

RAJ

How come?

RORY

Um, well, new editor, new regime -- I don't want it to seem like I'm still trying to be your boss.

RAJ

Yeah, no one likes someone hanging around, telling us how to get drunk.

RORY

You know what I mean.

RAJ

Yeah. See you around.

RORY

You too.

PARIS

Well, now we're both ousted leaders. Welcome to club Nixon.

RORY

[Sighs]

LANE

Twins, Zach.

ZACH

Right

LANE

We're having twins.

ZACH

Yeah, it's heavy, but we can handle it.

LANE

Twice as many mouths to feed, twice as much to clean up after...

ZACH

Yeah, all that -- plus, there's gonna be prejudice, but we can fight that.

LANE

What?

ZACH

And they have surgeries now, babe. This does not have to be permanent.

LANE

What doesn't?

ZACH

As long as the babies don't have some vital organ attached, they can be separated -- easy-breezy.

LANE

What are you talking about?

ZACH

Until the operation, we'll just get specially made clothes.

LANE

Zach...

ZACH

Unless they're attached at the head. Then they can wear just about anything. We just slip it on from the feet up --

LANE

Zach, we're having twins, not Siamese twins.

ZACH

[Looks at the sonogram] Oh! Dude, that is such a load off my mind! So why were you freaking out at the doctor's office?

LANE

Because we're having twins!

ZACH

Yeah but they're separate. It's, like, way easier.

LANE

Easier than what? Triplets? Siamese triplets? Yeah, Zach, twins is way easier than Siamese triplets.

ZACH

I think we have to tell your mother you're pregnant now.

LANE

Ugh... she is so going to kill me!

ZACH

I mean you're starting to show.

LANE

Of course I'm starting to show! My body's filling up with two growing people! She is so gonna think we had sex before the wedding, and she'll convince me we did.

ZACH

But we didn't. Believe me. I'd remember.

LANE

You don't understand. This is what she does to me. She gives me this look, and I get all panicky and start sweating. Once, at a church picnic, someone had taken a bite out of six deviled eggs and put them back on the platter. My mother accused me of doing it, and I almost confessed!

ZACH

But you hate deviled eggs.

LANE

That's the point! After she gave me that look, I wasn't sure. Maybe I had taken those bites. She gets in my head. It's like Korean voodoo.

ZACH

It's gonna be okay. It is. [Looking at the sonogram again] Whoa... you know what this picture is? Our first album cover.

LANE

Zach...

ZACH

Yeah, it's like a prenatal "Nevermind." [He kisses her on the cheek]

LORELAI

Merci... monsieur... bellhop. Jeesh.

CHRISTOPHER

Did you see that? He literally sniffed at my tip and sauntered off.

LORELAI

Yeah, he sniffed and sauntered. He did not hop.

CHRISTOPHER

The bellhop was a gem compared to the concierge. I mean isn't it his job to be polite?

LORELAI

You would think the concierge would be polite.

CHRISTOPHER

It's not like we're being obnoxious and asking someone to take a picture of us in front of Jim Morrison's grave.

LORELAI

Which, by the way, I promised Rory we would do.

CHRISTOPHER

I hope Gigi Picks up the language and the customs, but none of the rudeness.

LORELAI

Oh, no, Gigi's too sweet. She's got an impenetrable coat of sweetness around her. You shouldn't have called her Gigi, You should've called her M&M's.

CHRISTOPHER

You were great with her the whole flight. You were also great with Sherry today. Thank you.

LORELAI

She was great with me.

CHRISTOPHER

So, it's not just me, right? She does see to have it together?

LORELAI

Yeah, she seems grounded and sincere. She was nice. I couldn't believe how prepared for Gigi She was.

CHRISTOPHER

She was. She had her favorite "Madeline" book. She knew where the nearest park was. And did you see? She already had a booster seat.

LORELAI

Very impressive, by the time I got Rory one of those, she was 60 pounds. It got stuck on her butt. [Sighs] Oh, my god.

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

We're in Paris!

CHRISTOPHER

You were thinking it was phoenix?

LORELAI

I just wasn't thinking anything. I mean, I was focused on getting Gigi All settled in. It slipped my mind that we're in the most beautiful city in the world!

CHRISTOPHER

The Phoenix of Europe.

LORELAI

Alright first we have to go to Harry's bar and smoke Gauloises cigarettes and get in a fight about cubism and gesticulate wildly.

CHRISTOPHER

I am going to call our friend the concierge and make a reservation at the most romantic restaurant in Paris.

LORELAI

Ask him why these beds are so insanely comfortable.

CHRISTOPHER

[On the phone] Yes, can I... [Too Lorelai] no, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey, hey! No sleeping. We are in Paris now. We are on Paris time.

LORELAI

Yes.

CHRISTOPHER

Fight the jet lag.

LORELAI

Fighting the jet lag. Jet lag strong.

CHRISTOPHER

[On the phone] Yes, I'm sorry, sir. Could I make a 8:30 reservation at L’Arpge? Yes... uh-huh, I-I understand. Thank you.

LORELAI

Did he book it?

CHRISTOPHER

He did. He also reminded us to wear shoes. I sense he has a very low opinion of Americans.

LORELAI

Well, the French might be rude, but they know how to make a very cozy bed.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

I know you're tired.

LORELAI

A tad.

CHRISTOPHER

I know you've been awake for something like 30 hours...

LORELAI

32 1/2.

CHRISTOPHER

...Just to help me make the transition easier for Gigi, And I really appreciate it.

LORELAI

Aww, don't mention it.

CHRISTOPHER

And I just want to show you the best possible time that you can have in Paris because you deserve it.

LORELAI

Aww, you're sweet.

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai...

LORELAI

hmm?

CHRISTOPHER

Lorelai!

LORELAI

Okay, all right. Yes, we're gonna get up, 'cause we're in Paris, and we're gonna have a great Parisian time.

CHRISTOPHER

We are!

LORELAI

Yes! Hey, is the tour de France still going on? 'Cause we could stand on a little Paris street and yell "whoo-hoo" when the guys go by, or I could pour a cup of water on one of them. As he goes whipping by.

CHRISTOPHER

Actually, the tour de France was a couple of months ago.

LORELAI

Aw...

CHRISTOPHER

But we are going to a beautiful, intimate restaurant, and after we finish our meal, you can throw water on me.

LORELAI

Whoo-hoo!

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles, kisses her cheek.]

PARIS

What are you doing right now?

RORY

Not much.

PARIS

Would you mind swinging by the library to drop these off? I'd do it, but I just got cornered by professor Edwards. She wants to meet for coffee in five minutes to discuss me being her T.A. Second semester. I got to start thinking about life after graduation. Cozying up to professor Edwards could be a fast pass to a fellowship.

RORY

I guess that’s true.

PARIS

What about you?

RORY

What about me?

PARIS

You looking into fellowships? Scholarships? Grad schools?

RORY

Not really. I mean, not yet. I will, probably.

PARIS

Time's running out. They only give the LSAT one more time before spring. Anyway thanks for dropping off the books. I don’t mean to make you run out of your way I just thought you have a lot of free time since you don't work at the paper anymore.

RORY

That is true.

PARIS

What are you taking, by the way?

RORY

Taking?

PARIS

Just remember, Tricyclic antidepressants are better than your Monoamine Oxidase inhibitors, since those are for panic attacks. It doesn't look like you're there yet.

RORY

I have no plans of going there.

PARIS

You will. I know when I was finished as editor, I went into a major tailspin, couldn’t you tell?

RORY

Well you masked it so well with your generally gloomy disposition.

PARIS

The first day is hard. Then it just gets worse.

RORY

As it happens, I am totally relieved that my job at the paper is over.

PARIS

Yeah I did the denial thing, too. I even tried smiling a lot. That got old, and I think it made this line.

RORY

That'll teach you to smile.

PARIS

You really shouldn't be alone at a time like this. Why don't you call your "girls gone wild" friends? They seem delightful in a "get crazy-drunk in Cancun and flash your breasts" kind of way.

RORY

Your take on Lucy and Olivia is so not them.

PARIS

Whatever. Later. Oh, and Lexapro is fast-acting, but side effects are weight gain and noticeable drop in sexual appetite. Of course, with Logan gone, that's moot.

RORY

Always a pleasure, Paris.

MRS KIM

How's the Maeun-Tang?

LANE

Good!

ZACH

Yeah! Really good Maeun-Tang.

MRS KIM

How was work?

ZACH

Oh, yeah, my work is good.

LANE

My work is good.

MRS KIM

That's good.

LANE

[Sighs] This is great dinner, mama.

MRS KIM

I'm glad you like it. It's been too long since we had dinner together.

ZACH

Way too long.

MRS KIM

I think you've been avoiding me, and I know why.

LANE

We haven't been avoiding...

MRS KIM

Do not try to fool me. I know what's going on. [Lane and Zach look at each other concerned] You have no new music to show me, and you are ashamed.

ZACH

Music?

MRS KIM

Yes, music -- the thing you say you want to do for a living.

ZACH

Oh, no, I do! Yeah I've been working on some stuff.

MRS KIM

What kind of stuff?

ZACH

Actually I've been experimenting with different instruments. Like I've been playing the electric mandolin, which sounds really far out...

LANE

Mom, I'm pregnant! [Mrs Kim is surprised] We waited until after we were married! If you don't believe us, we have a note from our doctor, which doesn't prove anything, but it does!

ZACH

Hit me! Hit me!...

LANE

Firmly established...

ZACH

It's my fault!...

LANE

It happened during the...

MRS KIM

a new child is a great blessing.

LANE

Really?

MRS KIM

Chuka hamnida, Lane and Zach.

LANE

She says, "congratulations."

ZACH

Really? Then you should say "chuka hamnida hamnida" because we're having twins.

MRS KIM

Twins?

LANE

Twins.

MRS KIM

Oh, that's wonderful. So, Monday, you move in with me.

ZACH

Cool.

MRS KIM

I must go e-mail this good news to our relatives in Pusan. They just got wi-fi.

LANE

"Cool"?!

LORELAI

[Gasps] No! Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no!

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

Honey, get up! Get up!

CHRISTOPHER

I'm up! I'm up! I'm up! I'm up! What? We got to go, right? I-I got to shave?

LORELAI

No, not unless you're a werewolf!

CHRISTOPHER

What? It's the middle of the night!

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

It's 4:00!

CHRISTOPHER

What's 4:00?

LORELAI

That. It.

CHRISTOPHER

It's 4:00?

LORELAI

Yes! It's 4:00! We fell asleep! Damn the French and their comfortable beds!

CHRISTOPHER

Oh, we must've dozed off around 7:00. We just had ourselves a 9-hour nap.

LORELAI

Nine hours?! That's not a nap -- that's a coma.

CHRISTOPHER

Wow, the city looks really beautiful... and dead.

LORELAI

Ugh, okay -- this place is very tastefully decorated and everything, but would it kill them to put a minibar in here? I'm starving.

CHRISTOPHER

Me too.

LORELAI

[Sighs] You don't think they're still holding our table at L’Arpge, do you?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm guessing our table at L’Arpge smells of disinfectant and has two chairs on top of it.

LORELAI

Ohhh!

CHRISTOPHER

It's okay, it's okay! I can fix this! Um room service! What are you in the mood for?

LORELAI

Um... I would like a cheeseburger with a side of cheeseburger, and see if they can make me a cheeseburger smoothie.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, if they can make goose innards into a tasty spread, I'm sure they can make a cheeseburger smoothie.

LORELAI

Ha-ha

CHRISTOPHER

[On the phone] Yes, sir, hi. I would like to order some room service.

LORELAI

What'd he say?

CHRISTOPHER

He didn't say, so much as chortle.

LORELAI

No room service? And no minibar? But two toilets. Where are their priorities?

CHRISTOPHER

Okay, let me float another plan.

LORELAI

Don't say "float" unless "root beer" is attached to it.

CHRISTOPHER

It's after 4:00. Why don't we get a few more hours' sleep, we wake up early, feast on a delicious French breakfast, and then we hit Paris totally refreshed

LORELAI

Oh, fine... crummy Europe. Crummy time change. We switched to the metric system -- why don't they switch to our time zone?

CHRISTOPHER

We didn't actually switch...

LORELAI

I know!

CHRISTOPHER

[Groans]

LORELAI

Never been so wide awake.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm more wide awake.

LORELAI

So wide awake I could watch the Ken Burns documentary of "sod" and not drift off.

CHRISTOPHER

There are 104 fleur-de-lis stencid on the ceiling -- that's how wide awake I am.

LORELAI

I tried Humming Brahms' "Lullaby" in my head, but it kept morphing into "Purple Rain," and "Purple Rain" made me think of grapes, which made me think of grape jam, which made me think of English muffins slathered in grape jam.

CHRISTOPHER

Hold it -- this is the greatest city in the world. There is a restaurant out there, still open, with candles and soft lighting and great food, and I'm gonna find it for you.

LORELAI

My hero.

CHRISTOPHER

Besides, just being out on the Paris streets late at night -- what could be more romantic?

LORELAI

Being out on the Paris streets late at night eating a big, fat cheeseburger.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles]

RORY

[Sighs]

OLIVIA

Hello?

RORY

Hey, it's Rory.

OLIVIA

Hey, what's going on?

RORY

Not a lot. What's up with you?

OLIVIA

I'm sitting here making a mobile for my sister's baby. But it's turning out really good, so I might just keep it for myself and give the baby socks.

RORY

Or make her a mobile out of socks.

OLIVIA

Oh, that's genius.

RORY

What's Lucy doing?

OLIVIA

Watching "Real World: Denver." Lucy's eating it up with a fork and spoon 'cause boyfriend's working, and you know how much he hates reality TV.

RORY

Does he?

OLIVIA

I keep forgetting -- you still haven't met boyfriend.

RORY

Yeah, I'm beginning to wonder if he really exists, or if he's just Lucy's Snuffleupagus.

OLIVIA

Lucy, it's Rory!

LUCY

[Gasps] Hey! What's up, girl?

RORY

Hey, Lucy!

OLIVIA

Rory says "hey." [She puts the phone on speaker]

RORY

You guys feel like doing something?

LUCY

We should go somewhere!

RORY

Cool, where do you want to go?

LUCY

I want to go to the country, get off campus. It's the weekend. Let's get out of here.

OLIVIA

I'd so love to go to, like, a cabin in the woods.

LUCY

Or just a house.

RORY

We could... go to my house.

LUCY

Yeah?

RORY

I mean, it's in Stars Hollow. It's this really small town, and there's not a lot to do...

LUCY

Oh, my god. Does your house have a yard?

OLIVIA

And a porch?

RORY

The house has a yard and a porch with a swing, and the swing makes this little creaking sound.

LUCY

That sounds so perfect.

OLIVIA

When we get there, I'm definitely mixing up a batch of lemonade and flirting with slim, the hired hand.

RORY

Slim the hired hand is a hottie, but he's missing a hand. Ironic, huh? Pick you up in a little bit?

LUCY

We'll be here.

RORY

Bye.

CHRISTOPHER

So, class, the word for "closed" is...

LORELAI

You know after seeing this sign in seven different restaurants, it's no longer informative -- it's just mocking.

CHRISTOPHER

This place looks good.

LORELAI

Even the sound of it -- Fermé.

CHRISTOPHER

Let's try around the corner.

LORELAI

It has a mocking tone. "Ha ha, fermé." Do you hear that?

CHRISTOPHER

I hear a woman who's delusional with hunger. Come on.

LORELAI

See, this is why French people are so skinny -- they have no late-night snacks.

CHRISTOPHER

How do you explain Gérard Depardieu?

LORELAI

Oh, that's obvious. Gérard Depardieu has hogged all the food.

LORELAI

Ooh, ooh!

CHRISTOPHER

Did you see that?

LORELAI

Yeah. Oh, I saw that.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on.

LORELAI

What do you say? You hit him high, I hit him low.

CHRISTOPHER

Monsieur?!

LORELAI

Hello.

CHRISTOPHER

Wait -- attendez! We just want to know where you got the sandwich!

LORELAI

Oh, look what you did!

CHRISTOPHER

What?

LORELAI

You charged him. Everyone knows you don't charge a bear or a man with a sandwich.

CHRISTOPHER

[Sniffs]

LORELAI

[gasps]

CHRISTOPHER

That's a lot of bread.

LORELAI

What are the chances there's a butter truck nearby?

CHRISTOPHER

Uh, pardonne-moi. Bonsoir. Nous avons, hungry, hungry, hungry...

LORELAI

I got it. I got it. Mmmm! Mmm! Ahhh!

BREAD GUY

[French accent] Funny Americans, huh? [Chuckles]

LORELAI

Yeah, funny. Hungry Americans, huh?

BREAD GUY

[French accent] "Everybody loves Raymond." [Chuckles]

CHRISTOPHER

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

BREAD GUY

[Laughs, gets in the truck and drives off]

CHRISTOPHER

Happy people, the French. [Looks at Lorelai and giggles] What?

LORELAI

Nothing. It's weird... it's just being this hungry makes me think of this time when we were in 10th grade, and, for some reason, I had to make up this chemistry exam during lunch, and it went on and on and on forever, and then finally, when I was done, I came out.. and there you were, waiting for me. And you took this slice of pizza from the cafeteria out of your coat pocket, and you gave it to me.

CHRISTOPHER

Pepperoni -- I remember.

LORELAI

Even then, you were so sweet.

CHRISTOPHER

Head back to the hotel?

LORELAI

Mm-hmm. You don't still have that pizza anywhere, do you?

CHRISTOPHER

Different coat. Darn!

ZACH

Babe, could you check on my order?

LANE

Oh, I did. I asked Luke where it was, and Luke said, "from now on, if Zach wants to eat here, "he has to stand on his head in the middle of the diner and eat out of a rusty bucket." So I said, "cool!"

ZACH

I couldn't help it, Lane! I was so relieved that your mother wasn't pissed off about the pregnancy. "Cool" just came out, like a happy vocal burp.

LANE

Next time, cover your mouth! Jeez! [She walks away from the table, Kirk puts his hand on her stomach.] Kirk, what are you doing?

KIRK

Trying to feel a kick.

LANE

You're gonna feel a kick if you don't get your hand off my stomach.

KIRK

So, I don't know if you've decided where you're gonna drop this little load, but I highly recommend Woodbury memorial, where I was born.

LANE

Good to know.

KIRK

The maternity suites there are primo, and they let the mother hold the baby post-delivery as long as she wants. Explains a lot about the relationship between me and my mother.

LANE

Yes, it does.

LUKE

Kirk, go away and stop harassing my employees. [Too Lane] You should sit awhile.

LANE

No, I'm fine! Standing's no problem.

LUKE

All right, but from now on, no more serving heavy food -- your meat loaves, your bowls of stew. Somebody who orders that -- let Caesar carry it. He needs the workout.

LANE

Well, that's not really...

LUKE

And if you have any questions or are worried about anything having to do with... you know, what's going on there, call my sister, Liz -- she's a veteran.

LANE

Thanks, Luke.

LUKE

Anyway, uh... you two are gonna be great. You'll be great parents.

LANE

Zach... we're gonna be parents.

ZACH

Yeah, it's like... we're not just kids anymore. We're one of them now.

LANE

Parents don't have to be told what to do. Parents do the telling.

ZACH

That's right. Besides, if we say no, what's the worst your mother could do? [Lane give Zach a worrying look and walks away] Seriously, b-babe, w-what is the worst she could do?

LORELAI

[Lorelai sighs]

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah.

LORELAI

What, "yeah"?

CHRISTOPHER

That's at I'm talking about.

LORELAI

Yeah?

CHRISTOPHER

I'll say.

LORELAI

I can barely talk.

CHRISTOPHER

Uh-huh, which is, uh...

LORELAI

Saying something?

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] I could just live in this room forever.

LORELAI

Let's.

CHRISTOPHER

Except...

LORELAI

No "except." It's decided. Call the guy. Come seal the doors.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm too hungry!

LORELAI

Me too.

CHRISTOPHER

My stomach is a pit.

LORELAI

I know. If I don't eat something, my stomach's gonna eat me.

CHRISTOPHER

We need to food food! [Gets out of bed]

LORELAI

We do! [Sighs, sits up in bed] Look at that view. It's so beautiful, I could eat it.

CHRISTOPHER

[Sighs] Oh, my god.

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

I could totally fix this!

LORELAI

How?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm not gonna tell you. [they kiss] Let's shower.

LORELAI

Tell me.

CHRISTOPHER

It's a surprise.

LORELAI

Tell me.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm not gonna tell you.

LORELAI

Come on!

CHRISTOPHER

Not telling.

LORELAI

Is this your fix? To get me to think about what your fix is instead of thinking about food, huh?!

CHRISTOPHER

Is it working?

LORELAI

A little.

CHRISTOPHER

All I can tell you is it's bigger than a breadbox.

LORELAI

Mmm, bread.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on!

LORELAI

Okay!

RORY

There's Dean.

LUCY

Ooh, Dean is smokin'.

OLIVIA

Oh, yeah. Dean's a fox.

LUCY

He looks tall.

RORY

He is. How can you tell from a picture of his face?

LUCY

Oh it's a talent I have.

RORY

Spooky.

LUCY

Yeah right I figure I'll be recruit by the FBI any day now.

RORY

It's a very specific specialty.

OLIVIA

Oh wait, there you are.

RORY

That was my first year at the Chilton paper.

OLIVIA

Look at you and your big Rory smile.

LUCY

Um what are you there -- 5'2"?

RORY

More like 5'7".

LUCY

Are you sure, you don’t look 5’7"?

RORY

I'm sure. Hey is this dye supposed to smell all vinegary?

LUCY

Mm-hmm.

OLIVIA

It means it's working.

RORY

I feel like an easter egg.

LUCY

Boyfriend is gonna totally freak when he sees this color.

RORY

Freak, like, be mad?

LUCY

No. First, he'll be like, "whoa," then like, "I like it," and I'll be like, "thanks," and he'll be all, "I thought you looked pretty good before, too," and I'll be like, "better?" And he'll be like, "I think you look good no matter what you do," and I'll be like, "what if I got a Mohawk?" And he'll be like, "even if you had a Mohawk," and then we'll look at each other all goony-eyed, and we'll kiss, and he'll say, "don't get a Mohawk."

OLIVIA

And too bad if he doesn't like it. Serves him right for working all the time.

LUCY

Boyfriend's got great hair.

OLIVIA

Oh, the best. It's, like, beyond human.

RORY

Like, Conan O'Brien's?

LUCY

No, it's, like, really full. It's more like a cartoon character.

OLIVIA

Yeah, it's like snap's hair from snap, crackle, and pop. Wait, am I thinking of crackle?

RORY

Is crackle the one who wears a hat?

LUCY

They all wear hats. It's like part of their uniform.

RORY

Yeah, but one of them wears it all the way on his head, and one wears it further back so his bangs swoop out.

OLIVIA

That's pop. The blond one's definitely pop.

LUCY

Okay so boyfriend's got the color of crackle and the style of pop.

RORY

Ooh! We should make Rice Krispy Treats.

LUCY

Oh, my gosh!

OLIVIA

Yes!

RORY

I think there is a cake pan in that broom closet.

OLIVIA

Broom closet?

RORY

Yeah, my mom's not really into baking or booms. Okay, so the butter's in the fridge, and I will get the marshmallows and the Rice Krispies.

OLIVIA

Oh, my god! Come here, you guys! It's Rory through the ages.

RORY

Oh, I totally forgot that was there.

LUCY

How cool is this? Can you believe you were this short in 1991?

RORY

No.

OLIVIA

Check out the next year, you shot up like a weed.

RORY

That's when I finally quit smoking.

LUCY

This is awesome you have a record of you literally growing up, and here you are when you're, like, 7, and then here you are when you're ready to graduate college.

RORY

Yeah. It's freaky. Oh! There's the cake pan. Let's get cookin'!

LORELAI

Well, well, what do you know? Fermé. [Chris knocks] Listen, honey, if they weren't open at 11:00, I don't think they're gonna be open at 5:00 in the morning.

CHRISTOPHER

Trust me.

LORELAI

Trust is not the point. The point is food and finding some, not standing in front of closed restaurants feel...

MAITRE D’

Monsieur Hayden... Mademoiselle Gilmore.

CHRISTOPHER

That's us.

MAITRE D’

Welcome to L’Arpge. Please come in. Your table is ready.

LORELAI

[Gasps]

CHRISTOPHER

After you, mademoiselle.

LORELAI

Oh.

LORELAI

Thank you.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you.

LORELAI

Thanks. [too Chris] What is this?

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles]

WAITER

I'll give you a moment to peruse the wine list. Please let me know if you have any question.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank you. We will.

LORELAI

Merci.

LORELAI

[Inhales deeply]

CHRISTOPHER

Pretty cool, huh?

LORELAI

How did you...

CHRISTOPHER

I'm thinking the '78 Latour. Sounds like a classic car.

LORELAI

Honey, how did you do this?

CHRISTOPHER

I have my ways.

LORELAI

Tell me!

CHRISTOPHER

You really want to know?

LORELAI

Yeah!

CHRISTOPHER

It might take away some of the magic.

LORELAI

I'll risk it.

CHRISTOPHER

Well I was lying in bed and I was just thinking about us and how, when we were 16, we planned our trip to Paris, but it kind of got derailed.

LORELAI

[Laughs] I'll say.

CHRISTOPHER

And then I was thinking about how amazing it is that after everything -- the years, the distance, the screw-ups, everything -- we finally managed to make it here and how, in some ways, it feels like nothing has changed and no time has passed.

LORELAI

I know.

CHRISTOPHER

But then I started thinking about all the things that have changed.

LORELAI

When did you do all this thinking?

CHRISTOPHER

And I realized the one big thing that has changed is that now... I'm totally loaded.

LORELAI

[Chuckling] Okay.

CHRISTOPHER

And I guess, in some ways, I'm not quite used to it because I didn't even think, earlier, that I might be able to use that.

LORELAI

You totally bribed them to open.

CHRISTOPHER

Not bribed -- gave financial incentive.

LORELAI

Oh, my god!

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles] I know.

LORELAI

You totally bribed them to open!

CHRISTOPHER

You don't have to whisper. Everybody here knows.

LORELAI

[Chuckles] I just can't believe that people really... do this.

CHRISTOPHER

Apparently.

LORELAI

Cool!

CHRISTOPHER

Right? And I was prepared to do other things to get you fed. I had backup plans that included theft and chicanery.

LORELAI

Ooh. Chicanery? For me?

CHRISTOPHER

Anything for you. Anything. So, you happy?

LORELAI

Really happy. This is wonderful. You didn't have to do it, you know?

CHRISTOPHER

I wanted to.

LORELAI

I would've been happy with a croissant.

CHRISTOPHER

Or a park bench. I know.

LORELAI

Why a park bench?

CHRISTOPHER

Remember when we were 16 and planning to go to Paris? We always said we'd sleep on a park bench.

LORELAI

Oh, yeah! Well, because we didn't have any money, so we couldn't afford a hotel we'd have to sleep on a park bench. I can't believe you remember that.

CHRISTOPHER

I'd still sleep on a park bench with you.

LORELAI

Name the bench.

MAITRE D’

Compliments of the chef... Langoustine on a bed of mush and candied carrot cannelle. Have you decided on the wine?

CHRISTOPHER

Yes. We're gonna go with the '78 Latour.

MAITRE D’

Excellent choice, monsieur.

CHRISTOPHER

[Chuckles]

LORELAI

I love you.

CHRISTOPHER

I love you, too.

LORELAI

So, this fix? Not only bigger than a breadbox, also a lot better.

CHRISTOPHER

Told you.

LORELAI

Hey, when we're done, can we go back to that beautiful bed?

CHRISTOPHER

You don't want to sleep on a park bench?

LORELAI

Mmm... no park bench.

CHRISTOPHER

Thank god.

MRS KIM

Oh this is very nice.

LANE

So, mama, the reason we wanted to talk to you is 'cause...

MRS KIM

If you're wondering about your room, it isn't ready yet.

LANE

We weren’t wondering -- mama!

MRS KIM

You want two separate beds, correct?

LANE

Well, that's not really the issue.

MRS KIM

Better for Zach to have his own bed. Soon, you will be giant. Who can sleep with that?

LANE

Mama, could you stop for a minute? We really need to talk.

MARTY

I have to unload this shipment. I may be old, but I can multitask.

ZACH

The thing is, Mrs. Kim, when you said that we should move in with you and I said, "cool," what I meant was, "that's cool... "that you're offering to have us move in, but... no."

MRS KIM

What do you mean, "no"?

LANE

We really appreciate the offer, mama, but Zach and are going to be parents soon, and we're adults...

ZACH

You know, young adults. Not like I'm gonna be smoking a pipe, and she's gonna be all, "hey, let's watch '60 minutes.'"

LANE

...And we're gonna be starting our own family, and it's important to us that we do that in our own home. We can do this, mama. We’re ready.

MRS KIM

Very well. I respect your decision.

LANE

Cool!

OLIVIA

How much do you love this hair?

RORY

So much!

LUCY

Okay now we're gonna have to start a girl band.

OLIVIA

We so have to.

LUCY

We'll pretend we're a Norwegian girl band, and we can purposely lip-synch just slightly off.

OLIVIA

Oh, we'll be famous!

LUCY

We'll be huge! You can write articles about us in the Yale Daily News.

RORY

Yeah.

LUCY

You can say things like, we're the hottest thing to come out of Norway since... what came out of Norway?

OLIVIA

We got the Vikings, Edvard Munch, and that's all I got.

LUCY

I mean, you still have an in at the newspaper, right?

OLIVIA

Sure she does. It's like once you're president, you're president forever, unless you get assassinated.

LUCY

Actually, it's good Rory's not editor anymore. More time to be in "The Forbidden Fjords."

OLIVIA

Okay yeah.

LUCY

Wait. We need to discuss the name. Rory, where are you on "The Forbidden Fjords"?

LUCY

Oh, my god. Rory, are you okay?

RORY

I'm fine.

OLIVIA

Do you hate your hair?

LUCY

'Cause you can change it.

OLIVIA

So easy.

RORY

No, no, no, I love my hair. It's -- it's nothing. It's stupid.

LUCY

It's not nothing.

OLIVIA

What is it?

RORY

[Crying] Everything is just... ending. I just feel like everything is gonna be over. I'm done at the paper. Soon I'm gonna be done at Yale, and it's just like I'm standing on this cliff, looking out into this huge, foggy...

LUCY

Abyss?

RORY

[They starts to sit on the bathroom floor] ...Like, a huge, foggy abyss, and, in my whole life, there's never been an abyss. It's been abyssless. I've always known exactly what is in front of me, and I've always known exactly where I'm going, and now... I don't know what's out there.

OLIVIA

Besides fog.

RORY

A ton of fog, and I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean, what's going to happen to my career and my relationship with Logan and the rest of my life?

LUCY

Rory...

RORY

I'm so sorry, I don't mean to... drag everything down.

LUCY

I so know what you're talking about.

OLIVIA

Totally!

RORY

Really?

LUCY

Are you kidding? Once I move that tassel to the other side, I have no idea what the hell I'm gonna do. I mean, besides that FBI gig.

OLIVIA

I'm an art major -- not like that's an obvious road sign to the rest of my life.

RORY

I can't believe you guys worry about this. I mean, you're so carpe diem-ish.

LUCY

But how could you not be worried about it?

OLIVIA

Everywhere you turn, someone's talking about their brilliant plans for next year.

LUCY

I mean even our friends that were laid-back -- English majors, philosophy majors -- they're talking about coming investment bankers. When did that happen?

OLIVIA

Traitors.

LUCY

The other day, somebody used the phrase "negative amortization." What the hell is that?!

RORY

[Sighs] I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe I should be applying to grad schools. I mean... journalism school or law school. Maybe I should go to law school.

LUCY

Dude, you don't want to go to law school.

RORY

I so don't want to go to law school.

LORELAI

You're amazing.

CHRISTOPHER

No, you are.

LORELAI

Don't start a fight with me. I'm trying to say thank you.

CHRISTOPHER

You're welcome.

LORELAI

I mean, this is ridiculous. This is incredible. Here we are just finishing dinner, and the sun is coming up and people are just going to work. I mean, it's just all so unreal. I feel like any minute the waiters could break into song.

CHRISTOPHER

Well, if you want... what?

LORELAI

I'm just so happy.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah?

LORELAI

Yeah. I don't ever want to leave Paris.

CHRISTOPHER

I know.

LORELAI

I don't want it to be over, I don't want it to end.

CHRISTOPHER

Well it doesn't have to end. When we get back to Stars Hollow, we can sleep all day and wander the town in the night, and... that stuff we did back in the hotel room -- we can definitely do that back in stars hollow.

LORELAI

Are you saying we'll always have Paris?

CHRISTOPHER

I'm saying I love you, Lorelai.

LORELAI

I love you, too.

CHRISTOPHER

And, Lor?

LORELAI

What?

CHRISTOPHER

Remember when I told you that I would wait till we were both 80 for you to figure out us?

LORELAI

U-us?

CHRISTOPHER

You and me?

LORELAI

Right.

CHRISTOPHER

I don't want to wait.

LORELAI

Chris...

CHRISTOPHER

I mean it.

LORELAI

But don't you think it's -- it's too soon?

CHRISTOPHER

No.

LORELAI

We've only been dating a few months.

CHRISTOPHER

Try 25 years.

LORELAI

I know, but you know what I mean.

CHRISTOPHER

So it's taken us this long to work it out, to figure it out, but we're here now. We’re ready. We're finally ready. Let’s do it, let's do it right here in Paris.

LORELAI

No, n-not here.

CHRISTOPHER

Why not?

LORELAI

Well, Rory...

CHRISTOPHER

Rory? Rory will be thrilled.

LORELAI

Honey, I love you, I really do, but... I think we should wait.

CHRISTOPHER

Come on, Lor. We love each other. We belong together. What do you say? Marry me.

LANE

No

ZACH

But those are cool names, and whenever we call for "Marco," polo would answer with his name, so we'd always know where he was.

LANE

No.

LANE

We don't even know if they're going to be boys. [Stops] Mama!

MRS KIM

This place is a death trap!

LANE

What are you doing.

MRS KIM

We must think like a baby. Anything that can be grabbed with little baby hands must be put up high or locked away in cupboards.

ZACH

How'd she get in?

MRS KIM

Who couldn't get in? Hiding a key under the mat is like hosting a burglars-only open house.

LANE

Mama we're gonna baby-proof the apartment, but we've still got like months.

MRS KIM

Of course, the drum kit has to go into storage, and you must throw away all of these.

ZACH

My guitar picks?

MRS KIM

To you, they are guitar picks. To a baby, they are candy waiting to be choked on.

ZACH

That's true. One time, I was tuning to an open "e" and holding a pick between my teeth, and Brian made this really funny sound, and I snorted a laugh, so the pick went shooting to the back of my throat.

LANE

Mama, did you shop for us?

MRS KIM

Yes, and I will cook dinner as soon as I am finished unpacking.

LANE

Unpacking?

MRS KIM

My things. [They turn to see some suitcases] You are adults now. You should raise your children in your own home. It would be wrong for you to move in with me, so I will move in with you... Cool?

ZACH

Um...

LANE

[Worried] Mama? Where's Brian?

MRS KIM

Don't worry about Brian. Brian is fine.

BRIAN

Um, could you please pass the Bulgogi?

LUCY

French fries.

RORY

Yep.

LUCY

Definitely French fries.

OLIVIA

Even if I haven't even gone within a mile of one...

RORY

Always smell like French fries after a road trip.

LUCY

Smell like? Feel like. A thin layer of vegetable grease all over me. [She unlocks the door and enters.] Boyfriend!

MARTY

Hey!

OLIVIA

I think boyfriend's here.

RORY

No way.

MARTY

Mmm!

LUCY

So once we saw the hair, it was like obvious -- girl band. Rory has the most awesome house. You have to meet Rory. Rory... this is boyfriend.

RORY

Oh! I...

MARTY

Actually, it's Marty. Nice to meet you.

RORY

[Confused] You too.

OLIVIA

Okay... I got to show you the dresses for our Norwegian band. So perfect.

LUCY

Go get yours. [Too Rory] You're going to be, like, "we have to wear these dresses."

RORY

What's going on?

MARTY

What do you mean?

RORY

Um... why did you just pretend like you didn't know me?

MARTY

Oh... I just thought it would be weird.

RORY

Weird? That we were friends? Why would that be weird?

MARTY

Well, what's the difference? I mean, it's not important.

RORY

But... yeah, but we used to hang out all the time you know...

LUCY

Ta-da!

OLIVIA

Give it up for The Forbidden Fjords!

LUCY

Aren't these perfect?

RORY

They are. They're perfect.

OLIVIA

Two Halloweens ago, Lucy and I went to a party as "and Dawn," without Tony Orlando.

LUCY

[Too Marty, now sitting on the couch together] Do you like me in this dress?

MARTY

Yeah, you look nice and shiny. Goes great with your hair.

LUCY

Thank you. [Too Rory] Was I right? Doesn't boyfriend have unreal hair?

RORY

[Smiling] He does.

LUCY

So, the road trip...

OLIVIA

It was so far out.

LUCY

The town where Rory grew up is, like, your perfect small town.

OLIVIA

You expect professor Harold hill to move there and sucker everyone into buying band instruments.

LUCY

It's, like, ideal, but not scary, "a serial killer lives next door" ideal. 4-h club ideal.

LORELAI

Bonsoir, house.

CHRISTOPHER

Feels good to be home, huh?

LORELAI

So good. [sits on the couch] It's funny when you go away, even on a short trip... everything looks a little different when you get back. [Chris sits next to Lorelai]

CHRISTOPHER

Yep.

LORELAI

Of course, now I'm seeing it with a French perspective.

CHRISTOPHER

How's it look in French?

LORELAI

American and dusty.

CHRISTOPHER

I'm gonna go get the rest of our stuff.

CHRISTOPHER

Welcome home, Mrs. Hayden.